Category: Actresses (Page 240 of 258)

Just after signing on to take over for Meredith Viera on “The View,” Rosie O’Donnell’s agents informed her that, as part of the deal, she is prohibited from cutting her hair…because we all know what happens when Rosie goes to the barber on her own:

Of course, Rosie’s diplomatic publicist assures us that the no-hair-cutting proviso is a “standard clause” in television contracts, and not something designed to prevent the once-and-future daytime queen from frightening small children with the look we might once have referred to as “the linebacker mullet.”

In addition to the requirement that Rosie maintain her longer, less overtly masculine hairstyle, other “standard clauses” in her contract prohibit her from:

– Mentioning her completely unconvincing and gag-inducing crush on Tom Cruise
– Continuing to buy her entire wardrobe at Wal-Mart
– Writing haikus of any kind, on any topic
– Eating any of “The View’s” VIP guests (B-listers are fine, if eaten sparingly); and
– Having sex with women

For those still mourning the loss of Meredith Viera from ABC morning staple “The View,” take solace in the knowledge that it could be much, much worse. Imagine the carnage if each of the remaining co-hosts was also, in turn, replaced by Rosie O’Donnell:

Yes, our darling Meredith has been replaced with a loud, brash, fashion- and coiffure-challenged, supermodel-bashing militant lesbian. Yes, there is a very real danger that Rosie will snap the slender Elisabeth Hasselbeck in two and eat her as an appetizer during a commercial break. And yes, Star Jones now has some serious competition for the title of Most Obnoxious Morning Fat Chick.

But at least there’s only one Rosie. And for that, we must all be very, very grateful.