Author: Deb Medsker (Page 69 of 70)

It’s a damn shame that Rex is dead, because this show desperately needs medical attention. The backlash that started building with that Vanity Fair article earlier this year has escalated, and Marc Cherry and his writers are only adding fuel to the fire with episodes like this one.

Let’s start with Mike, who went to great lengths to emphasize his “one strike and you’re out” attitude towards interpersonal relationships in an earlier episode – for the sole purpose of bringing that chicken home to roost when he finds out that Susan sent Zach to Utah on the sly.

One problem, though: Mike has violated this very credo on multiple occasions in the past. What about Deirdre, the mother of his child? Drug addiction isn’t considered a strike? And what about Zach himself – with whom Mike is so dead set on reconciling? There was a tiny incident with the young scamp holding Susan at gunpoint – but apparently that pitch was just below the knees as well. So, to recap: hostage-taking is perfectly fine, but give a kid a few bucks to go visit the Osmonds, and yer outta here.

And speaking of inconsistencies, will they ever allow Lynette to keep her own spine, instead of forcing her to do the Hokey Pokey with it? It’s in. It’s out. It’s back in. This week, it was out, with Lynette keeping uncharacteristically mum when boss Nina makes catty remarks about Lynette’s wardrobe in front of the entire staff. Remember, when last we saw Lynette, she was confident enough to clad herself quite scantily and dance atop a bar in order to set some boundaries with her boss…but now she’s afraid to confront Nina for acting like a Heather?

Apparently, it’s all about convenience, as far as the writers are concerned, and it wasn’t convenient for Lynette to have her spine this week. Maybe next week, if the Emmy winner works extra hard, and promises to sit by the writers at lunch.

Similarly, it apparently wasn’t convenient to show the African-American family at all this week, and follow up that juicy “Of Mice and Men” setup, because…well, the episode was running long, and something had to go. They certainly couldn’t have cut the lengthy and asinine storyline that put Paul Young back in his house, free as a bird, or the one that had Gabrielle inexplicably spurn the advances of the attractive and wealthy lawyer who is clearly a better match for her than Carlos.

And they definitely couldn’t have cut the scenes we least wanted to see: the ones with Bree getting hives whenever she and George are in danger of (ew!) getting physical, and the one that suggested that George may have taken advantage of her while she was passed out. As trying as Bree’s character can be at times, no one wants to see (or think about) her getting raped. That’s just creepy – and it’s out of place for a show that continues to position itself as a comedy.

Dr. Van de Kamp, if you can hear us, this show needs a shot of real humor, a dose of adrenaline, and a massive infusion of consistency…STAT!

The casting coups continue, with Wallace Shawn (best known for playing the diminutive Vizzini in “The Princess Bride”) turning up in the role of Susan’s agent, Lonnie. How Susan warrants an agent when she never seems to spend a single moment of her day actually writing or illustrating the children’s books by which she earns a living is not explained…but that’s beside the point.

It’s great to see Shawn working, and even better to watch him reach for the stars: short, squat, balding Lonnie makes a pass at leggy, lean, gorgeous Susan – right after telling her that he inappropriately “borrowed” some of her royalties. Needless to say, the underdog gets neutered this time.

Tune in next week to see clumsy Susan accidentally poison both her and Vizzini’s wine glasses at their reconciliation dinner: “CLEARLY, I cannot choose the wine in front of ME…”

And speaking of wine, alcohol appears to be the solution to all of Lynette’s problems when she uses it to get her uptight boss Nina first drunk and then – in a stellar bit of wingmanship – laid (presumably for the first time in ages). Sadly, alcohol then becomes the cause of her problems: Nina, that crazy sex kitten, wants to get laid AGAIN. Once, apparently, is not enough for this voracious creature. She wants to go out every night, and she threatens to stall Lynette’s career if Lynette won’t play along. No one else can be Nina’s wingman; Nina’s too insecure to compete with other single women for her men.

Lynette knuckles under for a while, until she herself is identified as a “regular” by some skeezy married guy at the bar – and then it’s time for action. A quick trip to the rest room, and out walks the Slutty-Sandy-at-the-End-of-“Grease” version of Lynette: no shirt beneath her vest, no more ponytail in her suddenly remarkably curly and bouncy hair, and no qualms about dancing on the bar, slapping herself in the ass. She garners a host of male admirers, and leaves Nina fuming on the sidelines.

Think that one might get back to Tom? Perhaps. But at least Lynette won’t have to be Nina’s boy-fetching bitch any more.

Elsewhere on the block, Bree finally learns that Rex died believing that she murdered him, and Carlos hires himself a lawyer who admits to wanting to sleep with Gabrielle. And, at last, we learn more about the man in Alfre Woodard’s basement. His name is Caleb, he’s “slow”, and he appears to be responsible for the death of a Chicago teen named Melanie Foster.

Sounds like there’s some Steinbeck brewing on Wisteria Lane. Tell us about the rabbits again, George?

Who would have thought a simple black umbrella could make a grown woman cry?

Adding to Lynette’s already crushing sense of guilt about returning to work full-time, Parker invents an imaginary friend: beloved British nanny Mrs. Mulberry, represented by the aforementioned umbrella. In the spirit of her forerunner, Disney creation Mary Poppins (not to mention Simpsons homage Sherry Bobbins), Mrs. Mulberry is fun-loving, strong-willed, and deeply reliable. Unlike her Disney inspiration, however, Mrs. Mulberry is also promptly run over by a garbage truck, in full view of her young charge.

Years from now, Parker will undoubtedly relive that trauma many times, flat on his back on a therapist’s couch, tearfully describing irreparably-mangled umbrella spokes…and Lynette will gladly cover the cost of each session…since she was the one who threw nanny under the bus (so to speak). On the bright side, Mrs. Mulberry is now free to engage in a torrid romance with Drop Dead Fred.

Elsewhere in Happy Town, Gabrielle ditches lawyer Michael “Best In Show” Hitchcock for Adrian “Profit” Pasdar, after inciting a disturbingly touching prison riot. Profit succeeds where Dog Boy failed, and gets Gabby the conjugal trailer tumble she demands…but we’re left wondering how long it will take for her to succumb to Pasdar’s rakish charms.

Clearly overestimating viewers’ patience with Susan’s general incompetence as a human being, the writers choose to have her lie to Mike about having seen Zach, and then fund Zach’s escape to Utah. In other words, she will happily let her lover continue to worry about the welfare of his RUNAWAY TEENAGE SON, because that is more convenient for her than having Zach reunite with the man who gave him half his DNA. Susan is a dipshit. We’re done writing about her until Marc Cherry apologizes for treating his audience like a bunch of inbred baboons.

Last but never least, Andrew and George circle one another like snarling tomcats, each protecting his own interests. Andrew baits George with a delightful imitation of Bree’s orgasm noises (uncannily similar to her dessert-enjoyment noises), but in the end it is George who wears the victor’s smirk. He taunts Andrew with a poolside kiss of Mommy Dearest, earning himself a bloody nose and–more importantly–a return trip to Correctional Camp for Andrew.

The nerdy pharmacist wins this round…but never count out the aggressive, moody teenager: they don’t tend to take defeat very well.