Despite how cool the most recent trailers for “X-Men: The Last Stand” were, that nagging little voice in the back of my head (the other voices, apparently, took the day off) kept whispering, “It’s Ratner, you dolt. Don’t get sucked in. It’s bound to end in heartbreak.”
And, if Variety is to be believed, that voice was right. Ugh. “Superman Returns” better be worth this, Singer. Until then, I’m taking you off of my Christmas card list.
Based on Sunday’s estimates:
1) The Da Vinci Code: $77 million (first week)
We thank Ron Howard for showing us what awaits the godless heathens who patronize Dan Brown’s story: we’ll get tortured by talk.
2) Over the Hedge: $37.2 million (first week)
Technically, this movie should be called “Through the Hedge,” or even “Under the Hedge,” since the characters never actually go over the hedge. But while we’re being all ‘truth in advertising,’ the movie really should have been called “Hammy Time.”
3) Mission: Impossible III: $11 million ($103.2 million, third week)
Homer Simpson once said, “What’s more important than being popular?” Tom Cruise now knows the answer to this question.
4) Poseidon: $9.2 million ($36.7 million, second week)
Posei-done.
5) RV: $5.1 million ($50.4 million, fourth week)
It’s official: “RV” is going to turn a profit for the studio. How can you people sleep at night?
(“24” drink gamers out there, salut!)
Does anyone else feel like the entire show just became…something else entirely? The recording, that Goddamn recording that held the entire plot hostage for about a month and a half, is indeed fried, just like they suggested at the end of last week. All that time spent obtaining the precious recording, all of the people killed in the process, only to lose it within a matter of minutes after obtaining it. Fuckers.
And that’s not the only thing that’s changed. The Warlock commandeers a nuclear sub using what we are to assume is their last canister of nerve gas. Whoa, where did that come from? That canister wiped out the entire sub in what seemed like 15 seconds, and while I’m sure that the gas only needed 20 more seconds than that to make them all stop twitching, the scene still felt a bit rushed. And I don’t know about the rest of you, but those guys were awfully cavalier walking through a sub filled with deadly nerve gas in face masks. Are you sure those things are completely airtight? Wouldn’t your hair create some hole for the gas to seep in and wipe you out? Any military personnel out there who would like to correct me on this one? And never mind the safety-of-the-masks angle: wouldn’t the place stink with all of those crew members dying…and subsequently soiling themselves? Come on, you were all thinking it.
But here’s the part that’s really bugging me: Jack is letting Robocop lead him around by his nose. First Jack has to agree to help Robocop disappear, since Robocop knows that he’s toast the second he’s out in the open. (That was a nice touch though, when Robocop said, “Just give me your word, Jack. That’s all I need.”) Then Robocop (wisely) refuses the wire when going to contact an associate of the Warlock, again showing that Robocop is outmaneuvering Jack at every step. But perhaps the most frustrating stunt was when Jack overhears Robocop selling CTU out (who are outside the mole’s apartment and ready to strike) and orders an attack…and Robocop tells him afterwards that he was in the process of getting the mole to move all of his sensitive files out in the open so Chloe could download them. But darn it, Jack, you ruined everything! Therefore, Chloe has even less time to find the nuclear sub, now that she has to decrypt everything!
Okay, let’s get real here. I can understand Robocop keeping his cards close to the vest – after all, he would love nothing more than to screw Jack any which way but loose at this point – but in any other situation, Jack would have prepped his subject on what the shot was. “How are you going to get him to open up his network?” That’s all he has to say for Jack to know not to go in guns a-blazin’ the second he hears Robocop betraying his trust (which resulted in Curtis getting a nice scar on his right arm). But no, Jack doesn’t ask, Robocop doesn’t tell, and all hell breaks loose. Heaven help us if our real life CTU/HTU is that poorly trained.
Which brings us to a beaten but not yet rabid Old Yeller, who disses President I.M. Weasel in the greatest way imaginable when he calls him “Charles” after I.M. Weasel tries to buy Old Yeller’s silence, like he did with the First Lady of Crazy. Little does Weasel Boy know later that Crazy Lady saved Old Yeller’s life by intercepting the exchange from Old Yeller’s holding pen to the trunk of the car that was going to drive him to the Shotgun in the Sky (though I’m not exactly sure how she happened to be there, other than incredible convenience). Yeller tells Martha to have Mike Novick meet him where he lay, and that, for whatever reason, sets off my spider sense in a big, big way. Maybe that request gets relayed through untrustworthy channels, maybe Martha gets whacked before she can relay the message. Or maybe the message goes through as intended, and Mike shows up to pop Old Yeller himself. The bottom line is I don’t like seeing Old Yeller prostate like that. It screams “dead dog” to me.
So we have two hours left in this whole thing. Who haven’t we heard from in a while?
– Principal Wood (Wayne Palmer)
– Leland Palmer
– Big Dick Heller
VP Leland Palmer looks like he’s been taken out of the loop, which is pretty ridiculous, given the circumstances – hello, hijacked nuclear sub – and they made a reference to Big Dick Heller recovering from his plunge into the Pacific. That’s why I can’t help but think that Principal Wood is not finished here. After all, his brother was killed less than 24 hours ago. Okay, maybe I just don’t want to give up my early dark horse baddie yet. But you don’t take him out of action like that, not the “Here, I’ll get you past this checkpoint, now run!” way. Hell, for all we know, he’s running the Overseers. Go ahead, you can laugh all you want (“I’ve got my philosophyyyyyyyyyy”), but that would be a pretty sweet ending. And I’m sure they can find a way to justify it. Lord knows, whatever cards they’re holding better be better than the pair of fours they just played with this whole digital recording nonsense. After a great setup, they’ve been rolling snake eyes the last few weeks. You owe us, guys. Justify my love.
Based on Sunday’s estimates:
1) Mission: Impossible III: $24.5 million ($84.6 million, second week)
Paramount’s marketing department gets a reprieve from being fed to Brad Grey’s dogs, but they should spend this time getting their affairs in order, since the godless followers of “The Da Vinci Code” are going to eat this movie alive next week.
2) Poseidon: $20.3 million (first week)
Only $140 million to go before it breaks even. Good luck with that, fellas.
3) RV: $9.5 million ($42.8 million, third week)
The most frightening part is that while every other movie’s box office fell off 30%-50%, “RV” only fell off 13.7%. Which begs the question: are people going back to see this movie a second time? Find them, kill them, distribute their possessions evenly amongst the rest of us.
4) Just My Luck: $5.5 million (first week)
Not even “The Wink” could save this one.
5) An American Haunting: $3.6 million ($10.9 million, second week)
“Haunting,” on the other hand, only needs to make another $3 million to break even. There’s a lesson in here somewhere, but damned if we can figure out what it is.
We’re pleased that “M:I III” won out over “Poseidon,” but we still say “Brick” trumps everything.
Rumors are swirling that callers who intended to vote for Chris Daughtry this week received a personal thank you…from Katharine McPhee. While I’m the first to admit to having a conspiratorial, paranoid mind, I also think that there’s something to this one.
Here’s the way I see it: the producers of “AI” were facing the possibility of three white males in the finals, as McPhee had begun to falter week after week. Knowing that having three males in the finals would bring claims from numerous groups that they’re chauvanist white devils, not to mention the possibility of low ratings as a result of the finals being a landslide, the producers took the show’s best candidate for Idol winner and threw him under the bus. According to my wife Buffybot, they’re doing something similar in “The Amazing Race.” Whenever the hippies finished last — which has happened twice — it just so happened to be a non-elimination round. They are now one of the final three teams. The hippies are supposedly great television. Their survival cannot be a coincidence.
But here’s the part the “AI” people didn’t consider: if Taylor Hicks wins — and for God knows what reason, he is now the odds-on favorite — it will kill the show, because they will lose any and all credibility they may have had. The only way the show survives at this point is if Elliott goes the distance. Still, even if does win it all, he’ll be the Ruben to Chris’ Clay.
Really, Mr. Fuller. Would it have been so bad for three dudes to be in the finals?
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