As thousands of deluded women lacking gaydar weep with relief, bastion of journalistic integrity Life & Style “don’t call us a tabloid” magazine reports (thanks to gawker.com for the link) that Tom Cruise might just be back on the market.
Can it be? Could the fake love that blossomed not even a year ago, conveniently timed just prior to the two fake lovebirds’ major summer movie releases, have slipped away so easily — and just before their fake child is secretly adopted born?
What a devastating turn of events to cloud our great nation’s Valentine’s Day. Why, it seems like only yesterday Tom was moved to grand couch-jumping, Eiffel-Tower-climbing gestures of fake love…and now all he can manage is to buy his soon-to-be-former fake ex a lousy mansion in which to raise the child Tom will forever refer to as his biological son. Unless, of course, Katie conveniently is unfortunate enough to have a miscarriage just prior to the release of the incredibly virile Tom’s next big action movie (“Mission Impossible: 3,” in theaters May 5, tickets on sale soon), a circumstance which would be tragic for everyone involved and is certainly not being planned right this minute. In that case, Katie will have to find her own housing.
True love is fragile, indeed. Let us pray for Tom and Katie, and observe a moment of silence to mourn their deeply pretended, completely heterosexual, non-enduring love.
