Any frequent viewer of “24” that didn’t see the ending to this week’s episode coming down Broadway needs to pull the plug, because they, to quote lost comedian Jeff Marder, are just taking up space. The second I saw Nubile Russian Girl (her name doesn’t show up on IMDb, nor does the “24” home page give it up) “dressed,” I knew that she was bad news. Buffybot made a reference to everything turning out fine, and I said, I shit you not, “Well, until she kills her captor, anyway.” I didn’t actually say ‘her captor,’ I said his character’s name, but I have since forgotten his character’s name, and his name isn’t showing up on IMDb either. Thankfully Buffybot, being the smart one of the two of us, remembered him from “Alias,” and in a quick search, I discovered that his real name is Patrick Bauchau.
Still, the signs were there for all to see. The episode was wrapping up, and they were thisclose to nabbing the terrorists with the only connection they had. Of COURSE she was going to shoot and kill Patrick Bauchau. And sure enough, she did. Not a bad shot for a 15-year-old who likely never handled a firearm in her life. Still, we’ve seen too many episodes end like this, and it’s starting to get, as you can see, predictable. I’m not saying they must stop doing such things, but how about shaking things up a little bit at the top of the hour? Samwise Gamgee’s mugging, now that was a pleasant surprise, especially since he gave a sweetheart deal to a super bad guy in order to get off the phone and meet his sister in “need.” Now, I will say that the mugging is a surprise, but the whole supervisor-with-a-liability angle isn’t. Buchanan had Dessler, Erin Driscoll had her crazy/suicidal daughter, and Jack had, well, Kim. Man, what I wouldn’t give for Ryan Chappelle to be back in charge again. Pity he’s dead.
Also, in the You’ve Got To Be Freaking Kidding Me department, if a guy with an eastern European accent walks into my shop, and asks me if I can make precision cuts on a whole bunch of mysterious canisters, I would probably call Buffybot and tell her that I love her very much, but I am not coming come from work today or any other day. Still, our lovable lunk of a cutter does what he’s told, because Mr. Yellow Tie (now known as Ivan Erwich, until I give him a new nickname) gives him “his word” that he will let him go. Of course, cutter dude winds up dead. Even if I couldn’t make the call to Buffybot, it would be hard to die without saying goodbye, but how good is the word of a man who instantly pulls out a gun in an attempt to coerce you into cutting open containers of nerve gas? Nope, the dude is up to no good if he’s looking for the kindness of strangers. Take one for your country, and die with dignity. He obviously needs your skills more than he’d cared to admit, if he’s pulling out his gun in the first five seconds.
Kim Bauer’s name pops up on the episode breakdown for this week, but she shows up in name only, thus lending credence to my whole bear trap/hostage situation theory. But even more puzzling than that is the “suicide” of Walt Cummings. Mighty convenient for Novick to suggest hiding the whole Cummings thing under the rug from the public for the time being, and then to be the one who produces Cummings’ corpse to the president, right outside the president’s office. Novick has always been a standup guy, but it would be interesting to see a darker side to him appear, if for no other reason than to have him killed a few episodes from now. Yep, I’m all about the killing. It just makes for better television, is all. Nothing personal against Jack, or Mike, or Kim, or Audrey, or any of the others. It’s just that TV shows show much more respect for their audiences when they treat all of their characters equally, and show a willingness to whack someone that is seemingly off limits.
I secretly hoped that Jack would be killed in the season premiere. That obviously didn’t happen, and now I’m starting to wonder if that was because President Buck Buck Brawwwwwk didn’t get a chance to sell Bauer’s ass to the Chinese first. For every second that Jack spends in the open, the greater the risk he takes of the Chinese knowing that he faked his death, which will wind up in Bauer getting water torture until his dying days. That, obviously, is a risk that President Chicken Little is willing to take. Make a will, Jack, and soon.
