Fans of ESPN’s “Pardon the Interruption” will recognize that as a frequent introduction from ringleader Tony Kornheiser, but during the third and fourth hours of “24,” it took on a whole new meaning. Samwise Gamgee himself popped into the office, the textbook definition of proper etiquette and effective management speak even as he’s emasculating the first in command and, consequently, saving everyone’s asses.
But in the most frustrating way imaginable. Hands up: was there anyone who didn’t know precisely what Jack meant when he said “I’m in a flanker two position” the first time he said it, never mind the second time? Any terrorist worth his salt is putting a bullet in Jack’s brain the nanosecond he’s finished saying, “I repeat: I’m in a flanker two position,” or at the very least whacking him in the back of the head with the butt of his gun. But no, Jack said it a third time, and the terrorists still didn’t figure out that it was code. And it was that third time that allowed Samwise Gamgee to save the day, and make Buchanan & Co. look like idiots. Come on: you think none of the people who worked with Jack remembered the previous protocols for an agent under duress?
That small incident aside, the episode had plenty of thrilling moments. We learned that there are no depths that are beneath Walt, including drugging the First Lady. We also learned that, to take a line from Steve Carrell’s speech at the Golden Globes, President Buck Buck Brawwwwwwwk should remember that his wife’s life is no less important than his own, though it’s clear that he doesn’t think that’s at all the case. A couple of people were killed during the hostage standoff, but one of the surviving hostages, inexplicably, received a key card from the lead gunman. Of course, he escaped by episode’s end.
Carl Spackler left an email for me saying that he totally thought that the cop in riot gear that corralled Diane and Derek after the standoff was a Russian spook (though not that Russian spook), and I think it’s too early to rule that out, since we didn’t see what happened to Diane and Derek afterwards. All I know is that when I saw that container full of canisters, I immediately yelled, “Nerve gas!” I may be totally wrong about which ones were the bad guys in previous seasons, but for whatever reason, I know nerve gas when I see it. Maybe it’s that copy of “The Rock” I have on VHS that I haven’t watched in 10 years.
And speaking of bad guys…
Some have asked me who my dark horse candidates for This Year’s Villain could be. I think I’m ready to tell you my main suspect, though keep in mind that I have nowhere near enough information to back this up. But I think it would make for one hell of a twist at season’s end, especially since he didn’t show up this week: I think the bad guy is Wayne Palmer.
Here’s the way I see it: Wayne’s brother, the first black President in United States history, was forced to resign in disgrace during the worst season of “24,” not that the American public that supposedly voted Palmer into office took that whole worst-season thing into consideration. Bauer lied to President Palmer about his undercover operations with two Mexican drug dealers during that season, and as a result put Palmer in an awkward position involving a bomb that that spread a plague-like virus all over Los Angeles. Still, David Palmer trusts Bauer to resolve an issue with the Chinese embassy in the fourth season, but Bauer fails Palmer again, and embarrasses new President Buck Buck Brawwwwwwk, who instantly calls for Bauer’s head. So Wayne sets a plan in motion that martyrs his brother, thus making President Palmer a hero, and he frames Bauer, whom he secretly blames for his brother’s entire downfall, for the whole thing.
Wayne Palmer, just a couple years ago, was Chief of Staff to the President of the United States. Now, he’s nothing. David won’t talk to his brother about what’s bothering him right before he’s assassinated, but that’s because he knows that Wayne is going to have him killed, and David even goes so far as to stand in front of the window in order to make sure that everything goes according to plan. Look for a secret tape of President Palmer to surface midseason, revealing clues to the day’s events.
I know what your next question is. Why didn’t Wayne turn Jack over to the Feds while he had the chance in the premiere, while Jack was in Wayne’s apartment? I think Wayne was trying to deflect blame, that if Jack came sniffing too close to the source, it would look suspicious. So he feeds Jack a credible but ultimately useless piece of information that gets him out in the open, in the hopes that, if the Feds don’t kill him, the Russians or the Chinese will. As for the question of why Palmer didn’t just call Novick with any talk of national security, it’s because he knew that the Oval Office had been compromised, which meant that not even the faithful Novick could protect or help him, and so he fell back on the emotionally unstable First Lady for assistance.
Yes, it’s absurdly early to make such bold predictions, but there it is. And in the odd coincidence that I am indeed correct, I have left instructions with Buffybot for what to do in the event of my untimely death. And, in the event that she’s the one responsible for my untimely death, well, then I’m toast. Nice knowing you all.
These government conspiracy shows are fun, but they’re not good for you.
