Show: “Stargate SG-1”
Episode: “Family Ties” (Season 10)
Role: Jacek
It has been said…by me, if by no-one else…that when it comes to guys whose mere appearance in a film automatically guarantees that it won’t be a complete waste of time, there’s a tie for the spot at the head of the class between Larry Miller and Fred Willard. I don’t have a bad word to say about either of them, but it must be said that, of the two, Mr. Willard has probably managed to be funny in more different genres.
Yes, even in sci-fi.
Although Willard earned major geek points by appearing in episodes of “My Secret Identity” and “Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman” (as the President of the United States, no less) and providing voiceover work to “Buzz Lightyear of Star Command,” “Transformed: Animated,” and “The Batman” (he’s also in “WALL*E,” for that matter), the one full-fledged science fiction role on his resume is that of Jacek on “Stargate SG-1.” From the moment the character first appears, two things are clear: 1) Jacek is going to be the episode’s comedy relief, and 2) Willard is going to play this part just like he plays any other part, even if it is on a sci-fi action / drama.
Though the episode technically begins with Vala Mal Doran (Claudia Black) and Lt. Col. Samantha Carter (Amanda Tapping) returning from an off-base shopping trip, the excitement doesn’t start until the gang at SG-1 get an unscheduled video transmission. “Hello? Is this thing working?” shouts Jacek, into the camera lens. He introduces himself, explaining, “I don’t get out to your end of the galaxy very often, but I have a friend who lives in the area, and he speaks very highly of your people.” Jacek claims to possess information which reportedly could impact the very survival of Earth, but the information that proves far more interesting comes when Vala identifies him as her father.
Jacek: Vala, is that you? Sweetheart, how is life treating you?
Vala: Certainly better than you ever did.
Jacek: Ouch! I suppose for the benefit of your friends there you’re going to want to list all the reasons why I was such a bad father.
Vala: Oh, I wish I could, but a wormhole can only be maintained for 38 minutes.
Jacek: Ah, you’ve got your father’s wit…
Vala: It’s hardly enough time to cover your inadequacies as both a parent and as a human being in general.
Jacek: …and your mother’s uncanny ability to hold a grudge.
Jacek asks to be brought through the Stargate in order to reveal his information, but Vala refuses to vouch for him; she changes her tune, however, when he reveals that what he knows has to do with a plot to destroy Earth that Arkad set into motion prior to his death. “Take your time, there’s no pressure,” says Jacek. “Just that your whole planet could very well blow up at any moment.”
Cut to the SG-1 team preparing to retrieve Jacek.
The cheery father-daughter reunion involves Jacek asking for a hug and Vala declaring, “You’re lucky I’m not allowed to kill you.” Good times. Vala’s in no way surprised when Jacek requests sanctuary on Earth before offering up his information (“There’s the angle,” she snorts), but, again, he grabs their attention when he reveals that, before he died, Arkad sent out several naquadah-loaded cargo ships in preparation for an attack on Earth, which still sit in space, waiting to be launched…and he knows their location.
Wisely, Major General Hank Landry (Beau Bridges) refuses to make the deal until he gets confirmation that there’s some truth to it; when Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell (Ben Browder) determines that Jacek’s info appears to be accurate, however, a decidedly disgruntled Vala tries to sway him to break the deal. (“The word ‘sanctuary’ could mean anything from accommodations in an idyllic tropical setting to, say, a lifetime’s incarceration in one of these planets’ more unpleasant penal facilities!”) It’s far too late for that, though: moments later, Jacek walks through the Stargate, accompanied by two soldiers, each carrying three or four huge bags of his belongings. “Okay, I’ll go back for the rest of my stuff later,” he says, with a laugh and a smirk, and after proclaiming this to be the beginning of a fresh start on a new world, Jacek embarks on his new life on Earth.
Fast-forward three weeks. The episode’s B-story revolves about Gen. Landry’s relationship with his daughter and ex-wife, which dovetails nicely into the Vala / Jacek plot and gives Landry the opportunity to pop by Vala’s quarters and suggest that she get in touch with her father, who’s written her a letter a day since departing SG-1 headquarters, none of which have been read by Vala. Before we find out if his sentimental speech has successfully swayed her, however, we see Mitchell and Dr. Daniel Jackson (Michael Shanks) knocking on Jacek’s door, where they interrupt…a bingo game?
“Every Tuesday and Thursday, I host a little bingo afternoon for some of the seniors in the building,” says Jacek. “Gets them out of their apartments, you know, gives them a chance to socialize. It’s good for them, bless their decrepit little hearts.”
Interestingly, though, Jacek makes a point of referring to the game as being “fair and square” even as he announces that he has won and that the ladies should pay up on their way out (“Whoa, whoa, Hazel, you’re a little light!”), though assures them that next Thursday, “to make up for today, I’m waiving the cover charge.” Mitchell and Jackson aren’t exactly surprised at this turn of events, given that they’ve shown up to give Jacek a bit of grief over recent accusations that he’s been running a charity phone scam which centers around the fact that “little Pepito needs a new set of kidneys.”
“Well, see, the Air Force provides me with a mere pittance,” Jacek explains. “It’s hardly enough to live on. I’m just looking to supplement my income. Okay, there’ve been a few lapses in judgment, but, darn it, I’m working on it!”
He really wants to turn his life around, our Jacek, and he just wishes his little girl would be a part of that life. Mitchell and Jackson approach Vala, who remains skeptical about her father’s claims of attempted transformation, but she finally agrees to visit him anyway, looking for catharsis and bearing a monologue so lengthy that, when she finishes what she has to say, Jacek looks her at her incredulously and asks, “Wow, did you rehearse that?” “A little,” admits Vala. After her speech, she tries to leave, but Jacek quickly gives her a guilt trip in order to get her to stick around for just a little longer, but when an offer of pie doesn’t work, he resorts to giving her a necklace that he purchased and trying to bring up a pleasant childhood memory. That bombs, too…and things only get worse when Vala returns to Stargate Command and is greeted by Lt. Col. Carter saying, “You’re gonna want to see this.”
Jacek has done…an infomercial.
“It’s time to tap into the source by unlocking the power of stardust! Yes, genuine stardust. The very same stardust celebrities sand profession athletes use to tap into the power of alpha force, the core energy of the universe. Tap into the source! Each specially treated vial contains four full grams of authentic stardust for only $19.95! That’s only $19.95 for a vial of genuine stardust! Tap into the source! Order now!”
Mitchell immediately hauls Jacek in for a confrontation.
Jacek: It, uh, wasn’t real stardust.
Mitchell: That’s the point. You’re running a scam
Jacek: Now that’s a matter of interpretation. The way I see it, I’m selling people hope.
Mitchell: No, you’re selling glitter shavings in a tube for 20 bucks a pop.
Jacek: (Cheerily) Plus shipping and handling!
Mitchell reminds Jacek that he’s a guest on Earth and that he has to follow certain guidelines of behavior, a suggestion Jacek immediately balks at. “Come on, a guy’s gotta make a living,” he reminds Mitchell. “The next thing you know, you’re going to tell me I can’t publish my diet book. It’s an ‘Eat For Your Eye Color’ diet. I just lined up a publisher!” Mitchell assures him that the book deal is dead, and if the scams don’t stop, the deal for sanctuary will be, too. Jacek agrees that he’s done with scams…then, on the way out, asks his military escorts, “Tell me, do you play poker? Are you familiar with the game of 21?”
Teal’c (Christopher Judge) tries to appeal to Jacek’s common decency, telling him that he should either shape up or stay away from his daughter, but Jacek assures him that he and Vala have an understanding; when she walks by, he assures her that change is an ongoing process and invites her to attend “this ‘Virginia Dialogues’ show. I don’t know much about it, but the tickets are very hard to get.” (She declines, leaving Teal’C to accept the tickets in a last-scene callback that’s as funny as anything uttered by Willard in the entire episode, which is saying something.) When Dr. Jackson confronts her about the relationship between her and her father, she assures him that, no matter what claims he may make, Jacek has absolutely no desire to change; when Jackson counters by suggesting that she should be sympathetic to someone who has to resist falling back on their old ways, however, she relents and pays Jacek another visit. When he doesn’t answer, she promptly breaks in and discovers that A) he’s gone, and B) he’s removed his ankle monitor to avoid being found. Fortunately, Stargate didn’t trust him any more than Vala did, implanting him with a subcutaneous transmitter as a back-up, and Vala and Jackson discover Jacek in mid-discussion with a member of the Jaffa. They quickly discover that he basically swiped the information about Arkad’s plan from some Jaffa who he’d known from a previous weapon-smuggling operation; he knew that one of the naquadah-loaded cargo ships was already sitting on Earth, so he traded the information about the other ships with Stargate Command, then figured he’d sell the Earthbound ship’s contents and split the profits with the Jaffa.
Whoops.
But, wait, there’s more! Jacek doesn’t know where the cargo ship is, and it’s cloaked so it can’t be found the way Stargate Command found the others, but – what luck! – Jacek claims that it’s marked in such a way that he can help them calibrate their systems to find it. In return, he asks for the opportunity to sell the naquadah, at which time he’ll split the profits 50-50. Mitchell’s counter-offer: Jacek gets zero and isn’t locked away for the rest of his life.
Unsurprisingly, Jacek accepts the offer.
While Jacek works with the team on the calibration, he still makes time to hit on Lt. Col. Carter, who declines his offer to take her out to dinner. When he asks as to why, she replied, “Well, I’m an incredibly busy person with very little free time,” she says. “Oh, and you’re a jerk.” (“Of course, there’s that,” he admits.) Carter isn’t even referring to his chicanery with the Jaffa situation, though, instead simply referring to the way he’s treated Vala over the years. He attempts to score one last chance at redemption by offering to assist in disarming the cargo ship, which he assures them has been rigged to explode, even though he’s never said anything about it up to this point.
“Are you sure?” he asks. “I was sure I’d mentioned it.”
The final chapter of the saga begins with Vala and Jacek wandering through the woods, getting a bit of father / daughter time together, but when they meet up with the Jaffa, Jacek finds out that he’s no longer part of their plans. The Stargate team realizes they’re in trouble when they hear Vala give the signal (“Jacek, you idiot!”), but Jacek continues to try and deal his way out of the situation all the way up until the point where the team attacks the Jaffa. Now out of harm’s way, Jacek makes the noble gesture of going into the cargo ship and entering the disarming code, refusing to allow Vala to risk her life. He gives her the necklace she’d refused to accept earlier, then enters the craft…and to absolutely no-one surprise, it starts up and flies away.
“Sorry, sweetheart, there never was an override code,” he tells her over the radio. “Take care yourself. Daddy loves you!”
Actually, Jacek’s done exactly what was expected of him: betrayed his daughter. The team had already secured the real ship, allowing Jacek to swipe a naquadah-free ship that they’d put in its place. The new cargo – lead bars and styrofoam popcorn doesn’t sit so well with the people to whom Jacek had planned to sell the naquadah, but leave it to him to try and bluff his way out of the situation.
“This is a surprise,” says Jacek, looking at the popcorn. “They’ve included the Jibbaran virility enhancers! That’s a bonus! Go ahead and try a sample! I understand they’re very powerful.”
The buyer pops one in his mouth and begins to chew.
“Can you feel it working?” asks Jacek, gleefully. “I’d better keep a couple of these for myself. Better to have them and not need them than need them and not have them, right? We talk the same language, right…?”
Right.
I’ll just close by saying what you’ve probably already thought half a dozen times since starting this piece: God bless Fred Willard. The man’s a comedy god, and our world is a better and far, far funnier place for having him in it.
