Talk about art imitating blog. Last week, after trying to sift through the ashes of the most needlessly circuitous plot in TV history, I said, “None of this makes sense.” Tonight, as Senator Roark is processing the seriousness of Russian President Suvarov’s threat to attack the Americans for willingly allowing Russian technology to fall into the hands of the Russians, Roark said, yep, “None of this makes sense.”
At last, we are all in agreement.
As for Farmer Hoggett’s relationship with the Chinese, well, to quote the Hives, hate to say I told you so, all right. Cheng praised Hoggett as a man of vision, and Hoggett loves China so much that he plans to steal his grandson and live there forever and ever. I’d say that makes them allies, wouldn’t you? Well, until (a clearly deaf) Cheng loses Jack Jack, and Hoggett kills the deal to hand over the Russian component. Gotta give Hoggett credit: he has the negotiation skills of a Corleone. Or maybe Mel Gibson’s character in “Payback.” “My money, yes or no?” “No!” Bang.
So back to the blog’s title. Lisa Miller’s attempt to schmooze her lobbyist spy of a paramour ends poorly of course, and her boy toy chokes her until she’s unconscious. Another coma? Are you kidding me? How many is that over the course of the show? Maura Tierney, Tony Almeida, Wheelbarrow Wayne twice…wasn’t Robocop in one for a while last year? Does anyone know four people that have fallen into comas? I was only sort of kidding when I called this show “Dynasty of Terror” a while back. It really is becoming a full fledged soap opera.
Is Audrey Raines really gone from the show? Or is she merely gone for now, only to be brought back stunt-style next season, a la Kim Bauer last year? And as one of our astute readers pointed out, they never explained how Big Dick Heller survived that header into the Pacific from a quarter mile above the surface. But these guys are good at not explaining stuff, aren’t they? The Palmer family may as well not even exist at this point, and the fallout from this morning’s nuclear explosion doesn’t seem to be affecting anything at all. Got a plot thread that needs to be temporarily resolved? Put it in a coma. As Eric Cartman would say, this is totally weak. Indeed, this has gone from weak to super weak.
Did I see an oil rig as the site of the big showdown for next week’s two-hour season finale? An oil rig? What the hell is Cheng doing on an oil rig? And besides, didn’t “Alias” do that a couple years ago? Speaking of “Alias,” what happened to “Drive”? My beloved Amy Acker was on both shows, and we at Bullz-Eye are all big, big fans of “Drive” hero Nathan Fillion. Hey, here’s an idea: make Fillion the villain – the only villain – for next season. He usually plays the plucky hero, but fans of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” will tell you that he can play a baddie just as well as he can play a goodie. Create some kind of Bruce Willis/Alan Rickman dynamic between him and Kiefer, and you’ll save the show. Oh, and if any “24” writers are reading this, you should know that our fearless leader is a lawyer, and he will fight for a story credit. Just thought I’d warn you in advance.
