You’ve got to love David Kenin, the Hallmark Channel’s Executive VP of Programming. Like his boss, Henry Schleiff (Hallmark’s President and CEO), who emceed the network’s panel last year and introduced their new dog mascot, Herschel, by saying, “Herschel is seven years old…which, even in dog years, would bring our demographic down,” Kenin had his own self-deprecating wit ready to roll for the crowd.
“You will not see on our channel ‘Confessions of a Call Girl’ or ‘Bachelor Threesomes,’ said Kenin. “But I have TiVo, so I’m okay on that.”
What’s not to like about the Hallmark Channel? Whether you watch the network personally or not, they’re very much a name that you recognize and a place that you know you can go to get a certain kind of entertainment. Perhaps more importantly, though, they’re keeping a lot of actors working who might not otherwise be getting work…but let me clarify that, because it sounds like an insult, but it isn’t intended as one. I think we can all agree that prime-time broadcast television is a virtual wasteland when it comes to providing programming for any demographic over the age of the mid-40s, and drawing a line at that particular spot in the sand is probably pushing it. There have been countless jokes over the years about shows like “Matlock,” “Diagnosis Murder,” and “Murder She Wrote” and how they cater so specifically to an older, gray-haired crowd, but the older you get, the more you begin to realize that the familiar faces from your own era are being shuttled off the broadcast networks and onto cable. (The best possible proof of this: Molly Ringwald is playing the mom of a pregnant teenager on an ABC Family Channel series.) So when you look at the Hallmark Channel and you see that they’re providing clean, wholesome entertainment that makes our parents and grandparents happy and provides work for the actors of their generation that have been demographically driven off ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, and The CW, what else is there to do but applaud their efforts?
Here are some programming highlights that should help you keep Hallmark under consideration in the future weeks and months to come…
* “Dear Prudence,” where Jane Seymour plays a Martha-Stewart-styled advice columnist who helps to solve a murder. (“She’s not supposed to be solving murders,” explained Seymour. “She just happens to stumble across one that needs to be solved and manages to do so.”) It’s perhaps no surprise that the first question asked of Ms. Seymour was not about her new movie but, rather, about the one and only “Dr. Quinn.” Okay, fair enough, the show’s in reruns on Hallmark, so it wasn’t so out of line to wonder if the network might consider doing a new “Dr. Quinn” movie. It’s probably not going to happen, though. “Les Moonves (President and CEO of CBS) does not want to make any more ‘Dr. Quinn”s,” she said. ” But I have all the clothes, (so), you know, Prudence could pretend to be Dr. Quinn. And, you know, I think Sully is available…” Nice try, Jane. But, hey, it could happen: Hallmark is viewing this movie as having serious franchise potential, and given Seymour’s fanbase, there’s every reason to believe that they’re right.
* “For the Love of Grace,” a film about the relationship between a firefighter and a woman he saves, starring Chandra West (“John from Cincinnati”), Corbin Bernsen (“Psych”), and Mark Consuelos (“Husband for Hire”). And if you thought a room full of TV critics was going to miss a chance to quiz a former “John from Cincinnati” cast member on just what the hell that show was about, you’re sorely mistaken. “God, people ask me that all the time,” said West, “and I think the only person truly who can respond to what the show is about is David Milch, of course. But you know what? I think, to put a fine point on it, the short answer is no.” This line of questioning eventually led to a discussion about how Milch is an incredible speaker, to the point where you may have no idea what he’s talking about but you still believe him unequivocally. “I spent New Year’s 2000 with him,” admitted Bersen, “and he convinced me that the world was coming to an end in the following week. New Year’s Eve 2000 celebrations everywhere, and this man had me in a corner with my wife completely freaked out that we had one week left to live on this planet…and I believed it.” With testimonials like that, is it any wonder that “John from Cincinnati” was as weird as it was?
* “Generation Gap,” about a rebellious teen who’s sent to live with his World War II veteran grandfather for the summer, starring Ed Asner (“The Mary Tyler Moore Show”), Rue McClanahan (“The Golden Girls”), Ralph Waite (“The Waltons”), and Alex Black (“Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide”). The first question posed to Asner was inevitably about the potential actor’s strike, and though he admitted that he didn’t have any better idea than anyone else did, he said that he personally doubted a strike would happen. “The town has been fairly terrorized this year, and actors certainly don’t have any more guts than the average person, so they realize the tremendous costs,” he said. “And I think that they would probably, if push came to shove, vote against it. I think that I myself would vote for it, but I would be in the minority…which I usually am.” With that topic out of the way, Black was asked what he’d learned from Asner while working on this project…but before he could answer, Asner snorted, “How to roll a reefer.” After the laughter died down, Black admitted, “I pretty much just sat back and just watched the brilliance and just took everything in.” For his part, Asner said he particularly enjoyed working with Black “because he’s so much better-looking than my own grandkids.” I anxiously await the retort from said grandkids, because you know it’s going to get back to them. But, then again, this is Ed Asner, so you have to figure that was probably pretty tame by his standards…
* “Mail Order Bride,” a Western starring Greg Evigan and Daphne Zuniga. I would be remiss if I didn’t start this newsbrief by acknowledging that Daphne Zuniga remains smoking hot…and not just on camera. When she walked onto the stage in a well-fitting brown dress, I’m pretty sure the words “homina, homina” actually emerged from my lips. Ahem. But enough about that. It’s always nice to see another Western on the small screen, given how little love the genre has gotten in recent years. “Deadwood” excepted, of course…and, obviously, if it’s airing on Hallmark, “Mail Order Bride” is in no way another “Deadwood,” though someone did ask if the producers made any attempt to “dirty up” the characters with the appropriate amount of frontier dust and grime. “My character is a cleaner character,” said Evigan, “so he’s more groomed. But I think some of the other guys went for that, the guys that were working for (my character).” Zuniga’s character, meanwhile, starts off clean, but she doesn’t end up that way. “Our characters start off very upper class,” she said, “and then it’s my story that goes out to the frontier, so they grubbied me up. So the dirt came later. But she’s not used to it. She’s used to always sort of flicking it off until there’s just no choice. And then you’re laying in horse manure totally getting used to it.”
* “Accidental Friendship,” a based-on-a-true-story movie about a homeless woman who gradually finds her way back into society with the help of a LAPD officer, starring Chandra Wilson (“Grey’s Anatomy”), Kathleen Munroe (“Beautiful People”), and Ben Vereen (“Tenspeed and Brownshoe,” baby). In the preview we were shown, the most prominent thing about Yvonne (the homeless woman) from a visual standpoint was the fact that she has several pet dogs, which would seem on the surface to be a bit of a rough thing for a person with no home to manage. According to Tami Baumann, the officer on whose story the film is based, it’s actually not that uncommon. “The majority of the homeless people take really good care of their pets, other than the dog maybe having a medical problem,” she said. The problem, however, is that “some of the homeless people have three or four dogs, and, obviously, they can’t care for them. I think their heart is bigger than the reality of caring for the animal. But that’s what I first noticed about (Yvonne) was she took such great care of her dogs and didn’t take such great care of herself.” Unfortunately, this holds true even now: Baumann admitted that, although she’s still friends with her, Yvonne “still has her issues with dealing with alcohol.”
* “Moonlight and Mistletoe,” a Christmas movie (with a title like that, I’m sure you’re really shocked) starring Tom Arnold, Candace Cameron, and Barbara Niven. You might be surprised to find that the most poignant comments during this panel came from Arnold, who admitted that his biggest reason for being up for doing a Hallmark movie was that they had been responsible for “My Name Is Bill W.,” “a great film that I saw in rehab 19 years ago that really affected my life.” In a moment of you-can’t-make-this-stuff-up serendipity, Arnold was in mid-filming when “I found out that Bill W. is buried and (was) born 20 minutes from where we were. So I went to his place and…I figured that must be the reason I’m there.” Arnold also weighed in on the possibility of an actor’s strike…or lack thereof. “There’s not going to be a strike,” he said, “but we’ve got to let our people do what they’re doing. I used to work at Hormel. That’s a real union. If you saw the movie ‘American Dream’ that Barbara Kopple made, that was about my meat-packing plant and what really happens. You know, when the actors start getting involved and taking sides and giving opinions…just let these guys work it all out. They’re going to work it all out. Nobody wants a strike. Everything is going to be fine. It’s just…I wish that the actors would just shut up!”
* “Ladies of the House,” a movie where Florence Henderson, Donna Mills, and Pam Grier renovate a house. There’s a lot of interesting star power in this flick, with Henderson’s husband being played by Lance Henriksen, but there’s ultimately one specific pairing that makes this worth seeing: Pam Grier’s husband is played by Richard Roundtree. C’mon, baby, you always knew Foxy Brown would end up with Shaft…and now here’s proof!
* “Expecting A Miracle,” with Cheech Marin playing a priest in a tiny town in Mexico who plays a surprising role in the lives of a couple who are battling marital and fertility issues. It’s not the first time it’s happened…I’m sure we all remember his turn as Padre Benicio Del Toro in “Machete”…but it’s still a little surreal to think of a guy whose stock and trade used to be drug humor (not to mention someone who’s regularly appeared in Robert Rodriguez’s more violent films) playing a priest in a Hallmark Channel flick. “It’s kind of a bonus role,” said Marin, “because you get a hundred hours of court-mandated community service knocked off for the role. So it’s a win-win for everybody, I think. I almost went to the seminary when I was coming out of grade to go into high school…and then I started going to parties where they had girls.” Oh, and speaking of that drug humor, Cheech and Chong recently reunited to pay tribute to Lou Adler, Mario Maglieri, and Elmer Valentine, but they’ve also done a couple of pro-Obama spots which will be turning up on YouTube in the very near future, and although Chong has been notoriously optimistic about the possibility of a lengthier reunion in the past, this time even Marin seems pretty confident that they’re going to be doing some live shows in the near future. Fingers crossed, everyone.
* “Relative Stranger,” which features Cicely Tyson alongside no less than three “ER” alumni: Eriq La Salle, Michael Michele, and Michael Beach. There was a little tension on the panel, however, when folks wanted to get the trio of actors’ perspectives on their former series…and most of that tension came courtesy of Mr. La Salle, who clearly had no real interest in revisiting the past. When the topic was raised to the panel as a whole a second time, he visibly shifted in his seat and asked, “You really want to talk about ‘ER,’ don’t you?” He finally offered up a half-hearted acknowledgment of what a great show and great experience it was, but by that time, his annoyance had already tainted any praise he had to offer.
* “Bound By A Secret,” starring Meredith Baxter (“Family Ties”) and Lesley Anne Warren (“In Plain Sight”) in a film about a reunion of two old friends…and I’d love to tell you more about the flick, but with all due to respect to Ms. Baxter and Ms. Warren, I have to admit that I was fading fast, so I bailed out right as the panel began in order to recharge my batteries. Nothing personal, ladies. Honest.
