…Jingle All The Way: Family Fun Edition.
I can’t really say that I miss Arnold Schwarzenegger, given that his position as Governor of California means that he’s on the news every other freaking day, but, y’know, it has been four years since the guy last starred in a movie, and, frankly, the world of action flicks is sorely lacking as a result. Stallone’s been forced to return to his hoary old “Rocky” and “Rambo” franchises to score anything approximating a hit, and the same goes for Bruce Willis and “Die Hard.” Seagal and Van Damme are both trapped in the career Phantom Zone known as the Straight to Video Market, and, really, is there any proper action hero still getting regular theatrical releases? I mean, I like Jason Statham as much as the next guy, but he’s still not on the same tier, y’know?
Watching “Jingle All the Way,” I missed Ahnuld the Action Hero even more than I already did. Believe it or not, I’d never seen it before, which means that I can’t personally tell you any of the difference between the theatrical release and the new extended version; I will tell you, however, that having watched the latter rather than the former, my suspicion is that anything that made it feel particularly long to me probably was in the theatrical version, too.
Arnold plays Howard Langston, one of those stock movie businessmen who loves his family but struggles to make time for them. We see him try and fail to make it to his son Jamie’s karate exhibition, and when he realizes later that evening that he’s forgotten to buy his son the TurboMan action figure he’s been clamoring for, he’s aware that there’s no choice: he has to get that figure. Unfortunately, TurboMan is to this film what a Tickle Me Elmo was to the real world a few years back, i.e. it’s impossible to find, and Howard ends up on a Christmas Eve quest to hunt one down. On a similar quest is an overworked postman Myron Larabee, played by Sinbad, who’s had almost no time off because of the Christmas rush and just hadn’t had a chance to get the figure for his son; Howard and Myron end up crossing paths on a regular basis throughout the film, battling to secure that elusive TurboMan figure…and that’s where the film fell apart for me.
I understand that Howard’s trying to redeem himself with his son, but he knows he’s the one at fault in this situation, whereas Myron is a victim of circumstance, yet it never occurs to Howard to be the better man and let this guy make his son happy. Instead, Howard’s steadfastly determined to win his son’s love through material possessions. If that’s not the antithesis to the moral of Christmas, I don’t know what is. Even his son knows this: when Howard finally gets Jamie the elusive figure, Jamie gives it to Myron, even as Howard is still sputtering, “What are you doing…?”
“Jingle All the Way” is mostly about ridiculous slapstick, but there’s at least one great comedic turn courtesy of the late, great Phil Hartman, who never met a role he couldn’t make into one of the best things in that film. There are also some enjoyable supporting performances, with Robert Conrad (“The Wild Wild West”) as a cop, Martin Mull as a DJ, Jim Belushi as a sheister of a Santa, Phil Morris and Amy Pietz as parade announcers, Chris Parnell as a toy store clerk, Curtis Armstrong as a live-action (and chain-smoking) version of TurboMan’s compatriot, Booster, and an uncredited Yeardley Smith as a woman who Howard thinks has a TurboMan doll. Oh, right, and there’s a crazed reindeer, too. Rita Wilson is little more than a cliche as Howard’s long-suffering wife, and Jake Lloyd…well, let’s just say that anyone who saw this flick couldn’t have been surprised by the lad’s ineffective turn as Anakin Skywalker a few years later.
Yeah, y’know, I guess I do miss Arnold Schwarzenegger…but if he’s planning to return to Hollywood and make another crappy comedy like this one, I’d rather just stick to watching “Commando” again. If you disagree with me…well, just watch this so-called “highlight reel” from the film and see if it doesn’t change your mind.
