From a cabin in the woods to a cabin in the desert: yes, that’s just the kind of scary-movie variety we offer you here at Premium Hollywood, folks.
“Buried Alive” is an offering from Dimension Films’ new horror imprint, Dimension Extreme. The film is directed by Robert Kurtzman, who also helmed “Wishmaster,” but he’s far better known for his work as a special effects and makeup artist; given how boring much of this particular entry in his filmography tends to be, he’d perhaps be wise to keep his day job.
The basic plot of the film involves a bunch of college kids who head out to what’s referred to as a “remote desert cabin” but which looks like it was just furnished by a professional decorator about a week before they arrived. The reason for the trip revolves around Zane (Terence Jay) wanting to find out more about his great-grandfather and, more specifically, what happened to all the gold he was supposed to have had. Zane grabs his best bud, Danny (Steve Sandvoss), his cousin Rene (Leah Rachel), and the two pledges from her sorority, both of whom are wearing tight, skimpy animal costumes – one’s a dog, the other’s a cow – as part of their initiation ritual. Also on the trip is the geeky, Moe-haircut-sporting Phil, who, had this film been made 25 years ago, would’ve been played by Eddie Deezen; he’s got a speech tic which causes him to repeat things constantly, and it gets old really quickly, but the others have to put up with him because Phil’s the guy who does all the research and reveals that Zane’s grandfather may have buried his first wife alive in order to steal her family’s gold.
It shouldn’t come as any surprise that there are quite a few bare breasts and nekkid asses in the film, given that the characters are actually described on the back of the box as “lustful college friends.” Zane’s constantly flirting with his cousin, but that doesn’t stop him from having a quickie with the blonde pledge, who’s so stereotypically blonde that she’s convinced that the stuffed rabbit with antlers that she comes across– it’s a jackalope, if you aren’t familiar with the breed – is alive. (“You know, there’s a rabbit over there you can walk right up to and pet…and it stands so still!”) Danny is also trolling for poontang, but given that his idea of a pick-up line is “I feel like I could fuck a buffalo,” the only reason to suspect that he’s ever going to get lucky is that his only real competition is Phil.
Oh, sorry, did I slip into discussing the non-horror elements of “Buried Alive” too much? Well, that’s to be expected, given how often the film makes the wrongheaded decision to focus on conversations between the brain-dead teenagers over the ghost of Zane’s great-grandmother, who haunts the family cabin. Poor Phil gets split down the middle with an axe when he goes outside to see if he can get a signal on his cell phone, and the others end up leaving him out there by himself for, like, eight hours…or maybe it just felt like eight hours. When you’re forced to listen to God-awful lines like, “There’s a strange feel to this place, like we’re being watched,” time all but stands still, especially when the film is structured so that it’s scary moment, ten minutes of boredom, scary moment, ten minutes of boredom, rinse, repeat.
In a roster of virtual unknowns, Tobin Bell is the “big name” of the cast, best known for playing Jigsaw in the “Saw” films. He plays Lester, a grumpy and slightly crazy taxidermist who serves as caretaker for the cabin, and it may not surprise you that Bell proves to be the best part of the movie. Lester’s the kind of guy who loves to bitch about city slickers and their fancy book learnin’, but he also likes sneaking up on dumb-ass teenagers and scaring the shit out of them, so he’s got that in his favor. Too bad he’s only in the movie for maybe ten minutes, total.
I hear from David Medsker that Dimension Extreme’s other recent DVD release, “Black Sheep,” is a great flick to sit back, get drunk, and laugh at….and, coincidentally enough, so’s “Buried Alive.” Unfortunately, in the case of “Buried Alive,” I don’t think it was supposed to be funny. Based on the name of the imprint, however, it was, however, supposed to be extreme….but the nudity isn’t that significant, the scares aren’t that scary, and the gore ain’t that gory.
God, I hope I can find something…anything…better than this to watch tomorrow.
Sadly, I could find no trailer for “Buried Alive” on YouTube, so you’ll have to settle for the heavy metal band Venom performing a song entitled “Buried Alive.”
