It’s no wonder “The Burning” got greenlit. I mean, c’mon, think about it: it’s 1981, and somebody offers you an uber-gory slasher film that takes place in a summer camp…? Hel-lo, “Friday the 13th”-sized box office! You know the studio execs’ eyeballs were turning into dollar signs and popping about six inches out of their sockets, like something straight out of a Tex Avery cartoon.

Well, clearly, the flick never hit the heights the Weinsteins might’ve hoped, which is a shame, since I’d like to think that, had it been a success, we’d’ve been the recipients of sequels with titles like “Still Burning After All These Years,” “The Burn Goes On,” “Once Bitten, Twice Burnt,” and…um, wait, hang on, I’ve got more. (Editor’s note: Actually, that’s quite enough, thanks.) But even without setting the box office on fire – and can I get a high-five for that one? – “The Burning” has still maintained a cult following over the years, resulting in this special-featured-laden DVD release, which includes audio commentary as well as a new retrospective documentary.

The opening minutes of “The Burning” set the stage for the rest of the film. A bunch of campers decide to get even with the camp’s particularly obnoxious caretaker nicknamed Cropsy – something to do with his omnipresent garden shears, apparently – by trying to scare the living shit out of him, so they place a skull candle on his nightstand while he’s sleeping, light it, then wake him abruptly. Unfortunately, he’s so scared that he knocks the candle onto his bed, sets his blanket and himself afire, and ends up going up in flames, running through the woods and jumping into the river to extinguish himself. Understandably, he’s a little bitter about this, especially when it turns out that the burns are so bad that he can’t even get skin grafts, so upon his release from the hospital, it’s off to extract revenge on the camp. He can’t even be bothered to find the campers responsible; it’s just, like, “Okay, anybody at the camp will do.”

You have to admire the restraint on the part of the folks at Fox for not making note anywhere on the DVD box that “The Burning” features Holly Hunter, Fisher Stevens, and even a very young Jason Alexander amongst its cast…the latter with a full head of curly hair, no less. (If you’ve ever headed over to YouTube and watched Alexander extol the merits of McDonald’s McDLT…and if you haven’t, now’s your chance…this movie was filmed right around the same time, maybe even a few years earlier.) Stevens, who looks like he’s about 12 years old, even bares his buttocks for the camera, God love him, bending so far over that only careful camera positioning saves us from getting a good shot of his nut sac.

Wondering about the gore level? Well, there’s a really nasty scissor stab to the stomach immediately following the credits, but after that, there are more fake-outs than you can shake a sharp stick at. You needn’t worry, though: special effects master Tom Savini more than makes up for lost time during the last 45 minutes or so, particularly during the infamous “raft massacre” scene. But even with all the stabbing and the cutting and the “please, oh, God, please don’t,” there’s something rather…quaint about “The Burning.” Sure, it might’ve been…oh, shit, never mind, there ain’t no “might’ve been” about it: it is a “Friday the 13th” knock-off! And, yet, given all the dreck today that’s supposed to pass for horror, there’s something refreshing about a film that features a long, lingering shot on one of the female campers taking an extra-soapy shower. Damned refreshing. Oh, and then there’s the full-frontal skinny-dipping scene. Mmmmmmmm…

Sorry, where was I?

Oh, right: my point is simply that no matter how many remakes of ‘70s and ‘80s horror films Hollywood wants to churn out, there’s no way they’ll ever truly reproduce the feel of a flick like “The Burning.” The industry would never allow it…and we’re not just talking about the soundtrack by Rick Wakeman. Nowadays, everything’s just so damned airbrushed, whereas here the female campers actually look like real girls rather than models. Unlike today’s politically-correct, the guys here are all complete pigs, with one guy’s idea of romance involving the suggestion, “If two people like each other and they want each other, they do it…and you like me, don’t you?” (Even Alexander asks at one point, “You girls all set for the trip tomorrow? Nothing I can get for you? Life jackets? Spermicide…? Hey, you gotta be prepared!”)

Today, you’ve got filmmakers who try to get kitschy with their intended “tributes” to the original films but instead only come off feeling forced. Here, it’s all so natural.

Wow, Tom Keifer really did say it best: “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.”