“Underground”
A movie like “Underground” relies solely on the power of deception. Convince enough people to rent your little movie and you’ve just earned back your budget. Fool even more into buying it, and now you have enough money to run away and never be heard from again. Set around an underground tournament featuring 12 ultimate fighters from different disciplines, the film follows their progression in the tournament until just two remain. And like any competition where money and violence is involved, it’s all for the entertainment of a bunch of greedy businessman looking to earn some extra pocket change. Starring some of the world’s best fighters and stuntmen, each character is given about 20 seconds of background and stupid nicknames like The Homeless and The Foreigner. It’s all pretty lame in an I-sure-hope-the-action-makes-up-for-it kind of way, but unfortunately, it doesn’t. Not only is the acting horrendous, but so is most of the fighting. The action sequences shouldn’t feel like they’ve been choreographed, but they positively reek of it. Of course, when the lamest dude in the competition is the one who wins, it’s difficult to expect anything less.
“Perfect Creature”
Attention Dougray Scott: I know you’re still pissed about losing out on the chance to play Wolverine (because, well, your career would be on a much different path if you had), but can you please, puh-lease, just crack a smile every once in a while so we can all rest assured you’re not an emotionless robot? Granted, the dude is playing a vampire in his latest direct-to-DVD role, but even bloodsuckers smile every once in awhile, right? Perhaps not, but it’s hard to believe Scott was able to take the subject matter so seriously when this New Zealand spin on the gothic horror genre is so incredibly tame. Vampires bound to God? A deadly epidemic? Been there, done that, thank you very much.
“The Long Weekend”
To be fair, “The Long Weekend” isn’t really as bad as it sounds. In fact, had the filmmakers toned down the raunchiness of it all, it could have actually been a decent rental for fans of sex comedies like “American Pie.” Instead, this tale about a hotshot ad executive whose brother spends the entire weekend trying to get him laid, is more concerned with frontloading the movie with goofy viral clips a la “America’s Funniest Home Videos” than just telling the story. And though it gets marginally better towards the end, it doesn’t make the final product any easier to watch.
“Surf School”
I’m proud of the fact that I made it through a whopping 27 minutes of “Surf School” before my DVD player imploded – not because it was as bad as that horrendous National Lampoon vehicle for Paris Hilton, but because it was much, much worse. Any movie made by Righteous Dudes Productions and Thongs R Us Entertainment is definitely going to have one of three things – hot chicks, bad actors and a chimpanzee dressed in a bikini. Amazingly, “Surf School” has all three. Need I say more?
