…and, man, after less than 12 hours at this thing, I can see how incredibly easy it must be to become completely and totally jaded in the entertainment journalism business: they wine you, they dine you, they give you free swag, and all they ask in return is that you ask actors, producers, and directors questions about their new shows, which, if you’re an entertainment geek like me, you’d do, anyway! My God, if they ever read this, the jig is up…
Well, anyway, I made it from Virginia into L.A. without incident…except, that is, for a brief moment of concern in LAX when security blocked off the passageway to luggage claim for about five minutes, then abruptly decided it was okay for us to pass after all. Whatever. From there, it was off to the hotel, and as I’m entering the Beverly Hilton (that’s where all of the panels are taking place), wondering if I’m going to be up to the task of chatting with these people I’ve watched on TV for years, I turn to my right…and there’s Anthony Stewart Head, a.k.a. Rupert Giles from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”
Yep. This is gonna be a hell of an experience.
Due to unavoidable scheduling, I miss the Lifetime and FX panels, which kind of sucks, but what can you do? The first panel I’m actually able to attend, as it happens, is a luncheon sponsored by the National Geographic Channel. It’s a nice idea in theory, but as they begin to discuss several of their new programs, it becomes quickly obvious that this isn’t exactly going to be the most appetizing viewing for a luncheon. There is much blood to be had, and several gross sights go flying by on the giant video screen, but, thankfully, most just groan and no-one makes any indiciation that they’re going to be ill. Both “Inside the Living Body” and “Incredible Human Machine” look like pretty cool programs, but it’s the latter that really catches my attention, given that it offers up a real-time measurement of the vocal chords of Steven Tyler of Aerosmith. “Taboo,” which focuses on cultural differences around the world that are a far cry from what we poor Americans would consider acceptable; one critic asks if National Geographic is going for the Spike TV viewership with these programs, but the suggestion is laughed off. As the luncheon draws to a close, “The Dog Whisperer,” Cesar Millian, makes himself available for interviews, but I just don’t have the time. I’ve got to go to the Hallmark Chanel panel.
No, seriously. I had to go to this panel. Dick Van freaking DYKE was on this panel. I’ve loved that guy since I was a kid, from “Mary Poppins” to “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” to “The Dick Van Dyke Show,” and I wasn’t gonna miss a chance to speak with him, if only to tell him I was a big fan. Others on the panel turned out to be just as entertaining, however…but the first laughs came from a surprising source: Hallmark Network President & CEO HenrySchleiff.
The opening video presentation had consisted of a series of schmaltzy scenes, each tied together with the loose concept, “H is for…” You know, things like hugs, happy, and so on. It ended, however, by saying, “H is for Henry,” and, suddenly, we see Schleiff’s face bounce into view. It turned out the shot had been filmed while Schleiff jumped on a trampoline, but after explaining this to the crowd, he added, “I think you now see why there are not a lot of Jews in Cirque du Soleil.” Schleiff got several other laughs throughout the proceedings, the next coming when the network’s new mascot, a gorgeous dog named Herschel, was escorted onto stage by none other than Tom Bosley; Schlieff said, “Herschel is seven years old…which, even in dog years, would bring our demographic down.” You’ve got to love a network CEO with a self-deprecating sense of humor. (You also have to love that Bosley earned his paycheck for the day by bringing the dog on stage, sitting there while the audience admired the animal, then leaving the stage with the dog…and, as he was leaving, he said to Schlieff in a mock aside, “Will you make that check out to cash, please?”)
Anyway, a few highlights from the four panels:
Valerie Bertinelli (“Claire”)
Random observation: Bertinelli has lost 25 pounds on Jenny Craig since this TV movie – which, God love you, Valerie, couldn’t look more like a “Medium” rip-off if it tried – and she looks great. She’s also funny as well.
Quote: “I’ve been very lucky; even when I was famous, I didn’t get followed around (by the paparazzi). Of course, the paparazzi wasn’t the way they are today. It really is a stalking kind of thing that is going on. But I’ve been really lucky. They don’t give a shit about me.” (Pauses) “Uh, you can’t say that on Hallmark. That would’ve been bleeped out.”
Dick Van Dyke (“Murder 101: If Wishes Were Horses”)
Random observation: The guy is 81 years old, and he’s still doing pratfalls. In fact, he did a comedic couch flop when he first arrived on the stage and later admitted that he regularly does 2-hour live performances for various childrens hospitals. He’s also still funny as hell.
Quote: (On how he’s stayed in such good condition, despite all the physical comedy he’s done over the years) Well, first, you have to learn how to fall correctly. Chevy Chase never learned, and he’s got back trouble. I tried to tell him. He never tucked and rolled. He’d just throw himself down. Well, I exercise every day. I either swim or go to the gym or the treadmill or something every day. (Pauses) And, incidentally, I saw Valerie (Bertinelli) eating a piece of cake in there. B ut I exercise a lot, watch my diet, and go to Jimmy Craig…or whatever it is.
Ernest Borgnine (“A Grandpa for Christmas”)
Random observation: The guy is 90. You’d never KNOW he was 90, though; he looks fantastic and he’s as quick mentally as guys 20 years younger than he is. And his 11-year-old co-star, Juliette Goglia, clearly loves him to death…even if the only thing she really knew him for before this movie was his voiceover work on “Spongebob Squarepants” as Mermaid Man!
Quote: I vowed that I’m going to live to 2013. After that, I don’t give a damn.
The “Final Approach” panel was a disappointment, thanks to dropping from five people down to two…which is to say that Anthony Michael Hall, Lea Thompson, and Ernie Hudson were all absent. Dean Cain and Sunny Mabry were there, but it was hardly consolation, nice though they may have been. (I know the reason for the absence of so many cast members was that they had other acting gigs lined up, of course, but, still…)
Okay, that’s all for Hallmark. Next up: HBO.
