This week’s roundup is somewhat bittersweet, as our friends at Fantasy Moguls have decided to, well, completely fuck everything up by changing the rules of their summer league so that literally everyone in the league can own the same movie. This, of course, violates the cardinal law of fantasy sports, which dictates that if I own a movie/player, then you don’t. And if my movie/player is better than yours, then you suck. Fuck, people. Do we have to start making ribbons for finishing in last place?
Based on Sunday’s estimates, courtesy of boxofficemojo.com:
1) Disturbia: $13.4 million, $40.6 million to date (David Medsker, Republicans for Voldemort)
Depending on how this weekend’s “Next” does, this could prove to be the steal of the last half of the draft. Still, Voldemort will have to settle for no better than third place, barring a miracle from their last movie, “The Abandoned,” which we’ve affectionately renamed “Battle Royale With Cheese.”
2) Fracture: $11.1 million (Bill Clark, ‘300’ Should Have Tanked)
Many of us think, “Hey, it stars Anthony Hopkins,” forgetting that he won his Oscar over 15 years ago, which is kind of like putting “Academy Award Winner Linda Hunt” in the trailer for “Stranger than Fiction.”
3) Blades of Glory: $7.8 million, $101 million to date (Deb Medsker, Punch and Pie Pictures)
Bet us now and pay us later: Jon Heder’s clock is ticking like this.
4) Vacancy: $7.6 million (Kristin Dreyer Kramer, Nights and Weekends)
“The Ring” + “The Hills Have Eyes” = fourth place.
5) Meet the Robinsons: $7 million, $82.2 million to date (Kristin Dreyer Kramer, Nights and Weekends)
Someone needs to explain to me why Bowler Hat Man was not voiced by Bruce Campbell.
6) Hot Fuzz: $5.8 million (Jason Zingale, Se7en Strangers Productions)
Tragic, this. Easily one of the funniest, most enjoyable movies of the year to date, and it finishes in sixth place? That ain’t right.
7) Are We Done Yet?: $5.2 million, $39.5 million to date (David Medsker, Republicans for Voldemort)
Staring at a 50% drop from the first installment in the “series” to the second, Ice Cube decides to literally put his foot up the ass of the Ice Cube People that “most deserved it.” The next day, there were no official Ice Cube People.
8) In the Land of Women: $4.9 million (Deb Medsker, Punch and Pie)
Totally a grudge pick for Deb, once they bumped “The Nanny Diaries” to the fall. In her press release, Deb merely uttered, “Fuck you, Seth.”
9) Perfect Stranger: $4.1 million, $18 million to date (Kevin Carr, But I Liked ‘Lady in the Water’)
Way to take a perfectly good INXS song and ruin it by association.
10) Wild Hogs: $2.8 million, $156.2 million to date (owner: Kristin Dreyer Kramer, Nights and Weekends)
Please. Don’t make us write another thing about this movie.
Standings so far:
1) Reel Times: $358.1 million
2) Nights and Weekends: $289.7 million
3) Republicans for Voldemort: $227.6 million
4) What’s All This, Then: $219.1 million
5) Punch and Pie Pictures: $174.4 million
6) But I Liked ‘Lady in the Water’: $146.4 million
7) ‘300’ Should Have Tanked: $135 million
8) Se7en Strangers Productions: $83.9 million
This week: The last weekend of our acquaintance. Lady in the Water unleashes “Next” in the hopes that the success of the god-awful “Ghost Rider” will have an impact, Punch and Pie unveils the oft-bumped “The Invisible” (not being screened for critics, whoops), and Republicans for Voldemort replace their horror flick “Wind Chill” (anyone know anything about this movie?) with “Battle Royale With Cheese.”
