In the space of about two minutes, Jack Bauer dropped a guy with a sharp jab to the back of his knees, and then broke his neck. He then shot and killed about five or six hostiles, all of whom were much better armed than he was. Lastly, he fought hand to hand with Abu Fayed in a slugfest that involved a pipe to the forearm, stabbing, biting off flesh, a headbutt, and ultimately with Jack hanging Fayed with a chain, a la John McClane in “Die Hard.” “Say hello to your brother,” Jack said, which, curiously enough, is something McClane said in “Die Hard with a Vengeance.”
So will someone please explain to me exactly how Jack lost to Indiana Jones in our Badass Bracket? It seemed like a slam dunk to us that Bauer would lay Junior Jones to waste. Not only that, Jack beds way more women. It just don’t add up, I tells ya! But what do we know: McClane is now facing off against Indiana in the Elite Eight, and Jones is beating him too, though by a very slim margin.
Speaking of Fayed’s death scene, I was just waiting for an acting coach to walk on the set, pull a closed fist to his chest and say, “Aaaaaand, scene.” The whole thing seemed rather abrupt. Wait a minute: did I just see the season finale seven episodes early? What the hell is going on here? And then it hit me: the show’s producers realized that they were just as bored with this whole suitcase nuke thing as we are, so they (quickly, rudely) shifted gears. Now that Jack has the nukes, he must turn them over to the Chinese, or they will kill…the heretofore deceased Audrey Raines. Come on, you knew she wasn’t dead. Her other show was canceled! Of course she’s alive!
But more on that in a second: let’s get to the action in the White House. I’m anointing Wayne Palmer the new nickname of Wheelbarrow Wayne, since he clearly needs a wheelbarrow to carry those elephantine onions of his. He’s playing nuclear chicken with a country known for harboring terrorists? Are you kidding me? We all shook our heads last week at how the dove turned into a vulture, but give them credit: that was easily the ballsiest thing Wheelbarrow Wayne has ever done. It’s like the kill-‘em-all philosophy of Senator Roark, only clever. It was a nice touch. Pity that he’ll probably wind up in a coma within 10 minutes of asking Senator Roark to resign.
As for the CTU melodrama, quoth Phil Collins, I don’t care anymore. Milo gets jealous about a comment Nadia makes towards the Ricker. Morris intervenes. Chloe is marginalized more than ever. Yawn. If I’m Mary Lynn Rajskub, I start looking for a way to get my character in the field and “tragically killed.” Seeing Chloe like this is like watching a relative spend years on life support. She deserves better.
So, back to the Chinese.
Little good can come of this, of course. On the plus side, maybe – maybe – we’ll finally find out what kind of deal Palmer struck with the Chinese in order to secure Jack Bauer’s release. Then again, maybe there was no deal to be struck. Maybe the Chinese were playing both Miss Gredenko and Fayed against each other in order to put the Number One Super Spy in play so that he can inadvertently secure the nukes on their behalf. No, that can’t be right: Wheelbarrow Wayne said early on that he paid a high price to have Jack freed. What was it, dammit? Speaking of dammits, tonight’s episode had the funniest ‘dammit’ ever, as Jack is trying to talk to CTU from the bottom of a sanitation truck. Couldn’t he have just sent them a text message once he realized they couldn’t hear him? Heck, I was watching the Cubs home opener today, which a friend of mine was attending, and when I wanted to tell him something, I didn’t even bother calling him: I just sent him a text message. He, of course, called me back, and I couldn’t understand a damn thing he said.
And once again, we STILL don’t know what’s up with Farmer Hoggett, President Buck buck Brawwwwk, Heidi Petrelli, and Jack Jack. Is there some dangerous liaison between Hoggett, Logan, and the Chinese? Do the producers of “24” know that their precious little moneymaker is running out of gas? Will the movie be finished in time for anyone to care? It’s like watching “Lost”: you may have lost of questions, but good luck getting them answered.
