Oh, how far this show has fallen since its debut on ABC last year. The series, which was resting comfortably on top of TV Greatness Mountain, hasn’t offered a single interesting episode all season long, and I’m growing incredibly doubtful that it ever will. This week, audiences got their first taste of Mr. Eko’s mysterious past, all while digging deeper into Charlie’s obsession with the Virgin Mary statues (carrying heroin) and Michael’s desperation to rescue Walt. Oh, and did you know that Eko was a drug dealer? Son of a bitch! There goes any interest I might have regained in the series this year. Nothing else really happened, but next week’s episode could be the make-or-break show of the season. If it doesn’t turn the series around for the better, I’m bailing.
Year: 2006 (Page 219 of 228)
Announcing that she is five months pregnant with director/fiancé Darren Aronofsky’s child, the London-born actress patted herself on the back for finding “a sophisticated, educated American…[who has] traveled the world [and] knows where Europe is, unlike a lot of Americans.”
Isn’t there some saying about throwing stones that applies here? Or something about biting the hands that bought enough movie tickets to make you the C-list celebrity you are?
Oh wait, I remember now: “People who are best known for screaming their way through big dumb movies like ‘The Mummy,’ ‘The Mummy Returns,’ and ‘Constantine’ shouldn’t be quite so quick to put on airs of superiority just because they were born in England.” Or something like that.
Anyway, it’s probably a safe bet that more Americans know where Europe is than know who Rachel Weisz is…
Disney is preparing to release “Bambi 2” as the latest addition to its best-selling series, How To Tarnish Your Childhood Memories For Only $19.99*!
(*$16.99 at Sam’s Club and Costco.)
C’mon, Disney, this is just ridiculous. Make “The Thumper Movie.” Make “The Adventures of Flower the Skunk.” But don’t sully the name of a perfectly good classic film by unnecessarily sequelizing it. And don’t give me that crap about how it’s not really a sequel because it’s a heretofore-untold tale from a time period that falls within the range of the first film (sometime, apparently, during Bambi’s awkward adolescence). It’s still a freakin’ sequel. We’d rather you go through the motions with that whole “after a few months the print is going back into the vaults and will be unavailable in stores” schtick every five years than see you try to wring more money out of a flick this way. (Then again, you know those deer; they’re all about the buck.)
Plus, what else needs to be said about Bambi’s life? Is the subtitle of this one going to be “Mother’s Revenge”…?
“Hunters beware! Bambi’s mom is back from the dead, and she’s pissed…!”
Actually, come to think of it, we might…just might…be up for seeing that.
But if that’s not the plot of “Bambi 2,” count us out.
Suddenly I feel like I’m writing a review for that dumping ground of consumer reviewing, Epinions with my title for this piece, but I must insist if you have never seen Sylvester Stallone’s Cobra, then by all means put it at the top of your to-do list. I had never seen it myself until my brother got me the DVD as a joke gift (it was a Stallone two-fer that also includes Tango and Cash). I had remembered seeing news for it when it first came out ages ago, on something like Entertainment Tonight, with Sly’s response to a mad bomber threatening to blow up a supermarket being, “Go ahead, I don’t shop here.” ZING!
Cobra is a movie so shitty that it’s worth watching for its unintended comedy. It certainly ranks at the top of Stallone’s flicks as far as I’m concerned. Plus, you also get to see what Brigette Nielsen looked like before she turned into a walking chimney-stack saddle bag. Yeah, I know she was in other flicks before this one, but here’s one where she’s looking relatively normal. She plays a fashion model in Cobra and the part where she’s doing a photo shoot with robot props that looked like they were designed in the ’50s and slapped together in two minutes is hysterical. But so are Stallone’s grunts of dialogue in this, such as “You’re the disease and I’m the cure,” and “This is where the law stops and I start…sucker!” it’s pure HOLLYWOOD GOLD.
Plus, Cobra sports one of the coolest cars ever to appear in any film ever. A custom Mercury, this is the kind of car that outcools even Starsky’s ride. Never has there been a cooler car in a movie. And never will there be again. So there you go. Have a look at this movie, and if you’ve already seen it, see it again. Dammit, just go buy the damn thing and love it as much as I do. Stallone hasn’t made a good movie since, and everything he did before this was just bullshit. Cobra RULZ.
Shocking no one, Spears edged out bag lady Mary-Kate Olsen, high-priced call girl Paris Hilton, and even asthmatic hurl-queen Lindsay Lohan for the top honors on Mr. Blackwell’s annual shamefest.
The winning touch? Spears’ tacky accessorizing, having allowed herself to be captured on film dozens of times with a dope-smoking, cornrow-sporting, talent-impaired aspiring white rap artist on her arm. That look is so 2004.
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