Tom Cruise has reportedly given his betrothed an iPod with 300 – count ’em – 300 of her favorite songs to help her keep quiet during her giving birth to the Cruiser’s mutant. Apparently, Tom wants Katie to “listen to calming music.” Yes, well she’s probably into techno and speed metal, and would therefore be insanely loud during the birthing. Does anyone even seriously like Tom Doucher Cruise anymore? How could anyone find anything remotely worth salvaging in his poor little soul? Ah well, at least he’ll have his mutant and will finally be able to dump Katie and get on with his weird little world. I personally can’t think of one movie I’ve seen of Cruiser’s where I didn’t feel like kicking his teeth in after 30 seconds of watching him. Say amen somebody.
Year: 2006 (Page 169 of 228)
“Love Monkey” finds new life on VH1. Hey, I didn’t even realize it got shitcanned. Just shows to go you how much current TV I watch and/or care about. Note that no new episodes are being shot or show, just the original eight that were already completed. Did CBS not even show all of those? Man, that show must have really sucked, but then I’m not surprised at all by that. When I first saw the trailers for it I screamed “You won;t even last a season!” at the TV. God, I love being right. Actually, I think I said “Anything with Jason Priestly is doomed to fail.” Either way, god, I love being right.
Poor Locke! The old dog finally shakes the ghost of his father, and then, after learning of his death via the weekly obit column, discovers that he’s not really dead. To make matters worse, he asks Peggy Bundy to marry him, only to get denied and sent packing. AND THEN… back on Temptation Island (oh wait, that’s a different show), he gets trapped inside the hatch alone with Creepy Balloon Guy, and when they manage to jar open the blast door, it falls right onto John’s legs. Ouch. Meanwhile, the clock is ticking down, and when it hits zero (or does it?), all of the normal lights go out. Then, several blacklights turn on and reveal… a giant map with a big question mark in the middle drawn in pink invisible ink on the very blast door that Locke is trapped beneath.
As Locke waits for help (none of which he gets because Jack and Sawyer are in the middle of a pissing match), Charlie, Sayid and Ana locate the smiley face balloon and the supposed grave of Creepy Balloon Guy’s wife. What the trio discovers, however, is not the body of a dead woman, but rather a dead black man with a driver’s license that reads: Henry Gale, the alias that Creepy Balloon Guy has been using for the past few weeks. Uh-oh! Someone’s been caught with their hand in the cookie jar!
…American Idol host Ryan Seacrest was recently spotted sucking face with Desperate Housewife Teri Hatcher:
Could this be another “let’s put those gay rumors to rest once and for all” publicity stunt (Tom Cruise, we’re looking in your direction)…or is Ryan just a poor, misunderstood metrosexual with an unfortunate addiction to hair-care products?
Only time will tell.
What the hell happened to the “American Idol” contestants this week? Were they serving up suck sanwiches outside the Kodak Theatre? Last night, there were only a handful of decent showings and a lot of them were just plain awful as the contestants took on songs from the last six years.
I have a theory, and it’s that with recent hits there is no way to change up a song and make it your own. You have to be either as good or better than the original, especially to an America that is ready to hit redial 50 times to place their vote for you. If anything, last night proved that this season’s class is actually human. Here is the scary recap:
THE GOOD
Paris Bennett was an early Vanadalay favorite, and still remains that way. She sang Beyonce’s “Work it Out” and while it’s not as convincing when a slightly chubby 17 year old does it, Paris was way better than anyone else last night. Randy said it was “hot,” and that might be pushing it, but Paris is alive and well in this thing.
Taylor Hicks took on Ray Lamontagne’s “Trouble” and it was a very good choice for him. Simon said it was an “excellent vocal.” I disagree, but it was a solid B-plus and that was better than most last night.
THE IN-BETWEEN
Mandisa took on a gospel song, something she apparently sings a lot of at home in Nashville. Still, it’s dangerous taking on a song that anyone outside the Christian community doesn’t know, and as Simon said, it was “self-indulgent.” Mandisa wailed as she always does but did go off-key in spots and it just wasn’t up to the standards we’ve come to expect. Look for her to rebound next week though.
Chris Daughtry sang Creed’s “What If” and it begged the question: “What if Scott Stapp could actually sing?” He would be Chris Daughtry. But of course, Scott Stapp is a tool, and I”m sure that Chris is a respectable young man. Anyway, Chris did a pretty good job but isn’t going to be a top vote-getter for his performance.
Bucky Covington (is he really still in this thing?) sang Tim McGraw and it was pretty much a yawn-fest. Simon said he couldn’t understand a word Bucky was singing, and he was right….but he really didn’t sound all that bad either.
Elliott Yamin sang Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be,” and even though the judges liked it, he is not in the same class as Bo Bice, who sang the same song last season on his way to runner-up status.
THE BAD
Lisa Tucker started the night off, and I confess to predicting Lisa would go really far when I first heard her sing. But after hearing her butcher Kelly Clarkson’s “Because of You,” I’m sad to say she might be going home this week. Simon said the song was too big for Lisa’s voice, and if anything, it showed the difference between her and Kelly Clarkson, and that says it all.
Kellie Pickler sang Sara Evans’ “Suds in a Bucket” and while it was a cutesy choice for her personality, that personality never came out and it was just a piss-poor performance overall. Kellie needs to start showing a spark of some sort to keep her in this thing.
Ace Young, are you really still hanging around too? You won’t be for long after that awful rendition of Train’s “Drops of Jupiter.” Not only did it not even come close to the original, I told Mrs. Vandalay that I could have sang it better than Ace. He made things worse by pointing to a scar on his chest when a lyric came up about a scar, and Paula took the bait by getting all giddy and saying “Ace, you’ll have to tell me how you got that scar at some point.” Simon said “PAU-LA!” and I think most of America did too….I smell another sex scandal!
Catharine McPhee, while wearing form-fitting clothes to make sure America stops thinking she’s pregnant, sang Christina Aguilera and the judges thought it was okay. Judge Vandalay thinks it was all over the place, and Catharine is lucky she didn’t suck as much as Ace or Lisa.
So who will it be? I’d be really surprised if it wasn’t Ace or Lisa, though Bucky has been hanging by a thread the last few weeks too. I’m going with Lisa, because she’s been close to elimination before and because the young girls of America were probably impressed by Ace’s scar too.
Tune in tonight to find out, and tomorrow to read all about it.
Vandalay, OUT.
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