“Undertaking Betty”
This is what happens when good actors appear in bad movies. Naomi Watts as the town slut? Christopher Walken and Lee Evans as undertakers who prepare themed funerals? Give me a break. Anyone dumb enough to plop down twenty bucks for this turd of a movie should have the word “sucker” scrawled on their forehead with permanent marker.
“How to Lose a Lover”
Ever hear of a movie called “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”? Well, unlike that film, which actually made it to theaters, this direct-to-DVD feature is a complete washout that simply replaces the Kate Hudson role with a male character. Oh, and one more thing. Any movie that has Tori Spelling in the fourth biggest lead should halt production before it even starts filming.
“Zu Warriors”
This film came out in China ages ago, and after failing to see a theatrical release, has been rightfully dumped to DVD. Anyone who wanted to see this already has, and that’s reason enough to avoid the film, but here’s more proof: Zhang Ziyi appears on the front cover, despite having the smallest female role in the movie. A cheeky move by Disney, but one that will undoubtedly sell units to exuberant fanboys of the Asian cheesecake.
“The Visitation”
Ever since his big debut in “Terminator 2: Judgment Day,” Edward Furlong has slowly faded away, though he did follow up that appearance with two cult classics (“American History X” and “Pecker”). More recently, Furlong has become the poster boy for direct-to-DVD trash, and “The Visitation” is no different. Based on the best-selling novel of the same name, the film centers around a local kid (Furlong) who uses his miraculous powers to seduce a town into believing he’s the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. This results in the usual Sci-Fi Channel movie-of-the-week bullshit, with one exception: some of those films are actually entertaining to watch. This one, however, is not.
“Den of Lions”
It should be noted that any film starring Stephen Dorff probably isn’t worth your time, but that goes doubly for “Den of Lions.” Honestly, I sort of stopped paying attention after the first twenty minutes, but the back of the DVD case mentions something about an FBI agent going undercover with the Russian mafia and falling in love with the godfather’s daughter blah blah blah. The story doesn’t offer anything that hasn’t already been done much better before, including casting Bob Hoskins as the villain. If you really want to see the veteran actor in a juicy bad guy role, check out the Jet Li drama “Unleashed.”
