Month: January 2006 (Page 13 of 22)

A movie you must see…COBRA!

Suddenly I feel like I’m writing a review for that dumping ground of consumer reviewing, Epinions with my title for this piece, but I must insist if you have never seen Sylvester Stallone’s Cobra, then by all means put it at the top of your to-do list. I had never seen it myself until my brother got me the DVD as a joke gift (it was a Stallone two-fer that also includes Tango and Cash). I had remembered seeing news for it when it first came out ages ago, on something like Entertainment Tonight, with Sly’s response to a mad bomber threatening to blow up a supermarket being, “Go ahead, I don’t shop here.” ZING!

Cobra is a movie so shitty that it’s worth watching for its unintended comedy. It certainly ranks at the top of Stallone’s flicks as far as I’m concerned. Plus, you also get to see what Brigette Nielsen looked like before she turned into a walking chimney-stack saddle bag. Yeah, I know she was in other flicks before this one, but here’s one where she’s looking relatively normal. She plays a fashion model in Cobra and the part where she’s doing a photo shoot with robot props that looked like they were designed in the ’50s and slapped together in two minutes is hysterical. But so are Stallone’s grunts of dialogue in this, such as “You’re the disease and I’m the cure,” and “This is where the law stops and I start…sucker!” it’s pure HOLLYWOOD GOLD.

Plus, Cobra sports one of the coolest cars ever to appear in any film ever. A custom Mercury, this is the kind of car that outcools even Starsky’s ride. Never has there been a cooler car in a movie. And never will there be again. So there you go. Have a look at this movie, and if you’ve already seen it, see it again. Dammit, just go buy the damn thing and love it as much as I do. Stallone hasn’t made a good movie since, and everything he did before this was just bullshit. Cobra RULZ.

Britney Spears, worst-dressed? Surely you jest

Shocking no one, Spears edged out bag lady Mary-Kate Olsen, high-priced call girl Paris Hilton, and even asthmatic hurl-queen Lindsay Lohan for the top honors on Mr. Blackwell’s annual shamefest.

The winning touch? Spears’ tacky accessorizing, having allowed herself to be captured on film dozens of times with a dope-smoking, cornrow-sporting, talent-impaired aspiring white rap artist on her arm. That look is so 2004.

We’re not dating, but we’re pregnant

Still tight-lipped about the nature of their relationship, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt confirmed through their representatives today that Brad has indeed placed a love muffin in Jolie’s oven.

With renovations recently completed on Pitt’s multimillion-dollar love shack, Pitt and Jolie will soon begin construction on a small underground bunker in which to house Maddox and Zahara so they won’t get their dirty adopted germs on Mommy and Daddy’s REAL baby.

Hey Forest, can we see that Juicy Fruit trick again?

So, just when everything got back to normal at the end of season four, Shawn Ryan and his brilliant writers had to go and shake things up again. Of course, not everything ended on a good note, with IAD’s investigation into the Strike Team breaking the news that they would be going after Lem first. Heading up the investigation is Jon Kavanaugh (season guest star Forest Whitaker), an unorthodox IAD agent determined to take down Mackey and his team for the death of Terry Crowley (from season one), and the first guy he visits for information is perhaps the only guy more bent on burning Mackey’s reputation: Aceveda. They’re not the only ones looking to cut him loose either, as Vic is astonished to discover when the Assistant Chief offers him an early retirement package due to budget cuts and a shady past.

Meanwhile, as the Strike Team is caught up in a local rivalry between the Mexicans and the Blacks, Dutch and Claudette are investigating their own race-involved case concerning school shootings. It seems that they’re back on top as the lead detectives in the Barn, but that could only be because Billings took the captain position that nobody seems to want anymore. Is it just me, or is that position jinxed almost as bad as the Defense Against the Dark Arts spot at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? A Harry Potter/Vic Mackey spin-off anybody? Nah, that would never work. Anyways, it becomes pretty clear after about five minutes into the first episode that Billings is a big time doofus who has no idea what he’s doing. This, of course, could be considered good news for the Strike Team if only they hadn’t actually gone straight. Funny how those things work out. These four guys are just trying to do their jobs, and now they’re about to get in trouble for something that happened four years ago? Welcome to the suck.

The not-so-interesting partnership of Danny and Julien is no longer and issue, mostly because Danny is now pregnant, and so the writers have decided to give Julien the glorious job of training a new cop (Tina) who’s more concerned with the way she looks than doing her job. This means that Julien has finally been given something interesting to do, but I don’t know how long that will last. Danny, on the other hand, is the talk of the Barn as no one even knows who the father of the child is. My money’s on the black hustler dude that was always hitting on her in seasons three and four, but then again, it could always be Vic. Let’s just hope that the writers don’t make too big of a deal out of it. This isn’t a soap opera you know.

Finally, we come to what will likely be the meat of the story in the fifth season and the beginning of the end to a fabulous series: Lem being taken in by Kavanaugh. Most of the investigation looks to be taking place next week, but we all know that Lem will more than likely become a rat for IAD since he doesn’t want to land jail time. Hopefully, though, nothing bad will come of it, but the Shawn Ryan has more than enough aces up his sleeve to change anyone’s mind. Don’t forget about a few key players here that could easily show up from past years, like Tavon, Army and Antwone. It’s too early to start guessing, but it should get very interesting over these next few weeks.

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