Truer words were never spoken, but Andrew Van De Kamp speaks them about his paternal grandmother–not, surprisingly, his mother Bree. Grandma Phyllis (played by Shirley Knight, in what will hopefully be a frequently-recurring role) shows up Chez Van De Kamp just bursting with messy, melodramatic, uncontrollable grief over the loss of her son–and gets in a few sharp digs at Bree while she’s at it.
Already straining to keep her own untidy emotions in check (and to refrain from calling her friends with the unfortunate news before the etiquette-appropriate hour of 9 A.M.), Bree manages to hold her tongue at Grandma’s disparaging remark about Bree’s less-than-buxom chest. That orange prep-school tie, however, she just cannot abide. Its color offends Bree’s exquisite taste, and its symbolism–representing “the happiest time of Rex’s life”–is an attack on her performance as wife and mother (and therefore, her very existence) for the better part of two decades. Grandma is nearly sent packing over the issue, until the two hyper-controlling women in Rex’s life reach a détente–which is then broken when the tie shows up around Rex’s neck at the funeral.
Elsewhere on the street, Tom Scavo throws his back out on Day Two of Mr. Mom duty, forcing Lynette to bring her infant daughter along on a second-round job interview. Lynette wows her time-starved prospective boss with a multi-tasking extravaganza, changing the baby’s diaper and outlining a new strategic direction for the company in under sixty seconds. Meanwhile, Gabby spurns Hot Lovesick Gardener’s advances, and seeks a paternity test–preferably faked–to appease Carlos.
Since Susan and Mike are not allowed to be happy together for any length of time whatsoever, Susan freaks out about Mike being Zach’s father, and breaks up with Mike. Of course, the fact that Zach held Susan prisoner at gunpoint probably had something to do with that. Also the obsessive shouting match he started when Susan refused to let him see Julie. And, gosh, that breaking-and-Christmas-decorating incident last December may not have helped, either. If only that dead body Mike and Susan had to identify had actually turned out to be Zach (instead of a youth who looked remarkably like American Non-Threatening Purveyor of Mush Clay Aiken), all their problems would be solved.
And, speaking of problems, Wisteria Lane newcomer Alfre Woodard seems to have hers under control at the moment. Or, more specifically, under physical restraints. In a locked basement dungeon. With a gun held on it, for added security. Can’t wait to find out what that’s all about… but, of course, we’ll have to wait, anyway.
Might as well stock up on popcorn in the meantime: Looks like another great season.
