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Teddy Ruxpin admits he’s no superkiller

Actor Gael Garcia Bernal

Though the role was his for the taking, Latin American teddy bear Gael Garcia Bernal has passed on the role of Jason Bourne’s latest nemesis in “The Bourne Ultimatum.” The actor cited schedule conflicts as his reason for declining the part…as opposed to the more obvious issue at hand, which is that moviegoers generally have a hard enough time buying the cuddly Bernal as a character who kills time, much less another human being.

Undaunted, filmmakers continue to seek a suitable replacement to play the ruthless assassin trailing Jason Bourne. Current frontrunners are rumored to be none other than the Snuggle Fabric Softener mascot or, if his asking price should prove too steep, one of the lesser Care Bears.

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Bob Barker comes on down

After 50 years on television and 35 years hosting “The Price Is Right,” Bob Barker has announced that he will retire next June, at the age of 83, according to the Associated Press. And how does the Showcase Showman plan to spend his time off?

He said he’d take on a movie role if the right one came along, but filmmakers, take note: “I refuse to do nude scenes. These Hollywood producers want to capitalize on my obvious sexuality, but I don’t want to be just another beautiful body.”

Okay, that’s perhaps a mental image we could have done without…but props to Barker for retaining a sense of humor in his golden years. And besides, we’ll forgive the guy just about anything after his memorable appearance in “Happy Gilmore.”

To commemorate the elder statesman’s retirement, noted CBS tightwad Les Moonves has reportedly offered the game show host a solid gold wristwatch…but only if Barker can guess its exact cost.

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Dude, where’s Lane Meyer’s car?

Why, it’s right here!

(And if you don’t know who Lane Meyer is or why you should care where his car is currently located, you needn’t bother clicking on the link in the first place.)

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Prison Break: One step forward…

This week’s episode was kind of a filler, but the story did move along a bit. LJ and Lincoln were caught by the law, after ditching a perfectly good car to hop on a train, exposing themselves to a bunch of people at the station. Sure, the girl at the rest stop might have been able to describe the make and model of the car, but they would have been much better off stealing another one down the road. However, this boneheaded move was completely in character for both of them. Neither guy has proven to be very sharp, so it is to be expected that they would trip over each other to a certain degree, and Michael will probably have to clean up the mess.

One question: have Lincoln and LJ ever had a conversation about Veronica’s death? That seems like something you might want to talk to your kid about.

I thought the “sundown” in “SUNDOWN/HOT” was the time of the meeting, but it turned out to be the name of a hotel. Sarah is all over this one and apparently has already caught a flight to New Mexico for the meet. She doesn’t know when the meet is, but she knows the location. Meanwhile, Mahone (with some help from Agent Evil) figured out the city, but at this point they have no idea where the meet is. Hopefully Michael picked a big town, but something tells me it’s small enough for random encounters.

But Mahone’s eye isn’t exactly on the ball right now. Michael threw him off when he called the agent from his ex-wife’s cell phone. (By the way, she was played by the lovely and talented Callie Thorne, of “Rescue Me” fame.) The last shot we see is Mahone digging up the dead body. Shouldn’t he be on a flight to New Mexico? Or is he going to let Michael go to keep that skeleton safely in the closet – er – ground?

It appears that T-Bag stashed the money somewhere, which was quite crafty for a guy dumb enough to look up his ex after escaping from prison. I’m sure Bellick will enjoy beating the information out of him. I get the feeling that this money is going to change hands a few times before it’s all said and done.

Finally, I thought C-Note’s storyline was a little iffy this week, but his wife’s line at the reunion was great – “What now?” she says. Exactly. C-Note doesn’t have any money and now he’s got his family on the run. What’s he going to do next? He thinks Sucre has the cash – will he and his crew go after him? Now that would be an interesting road to take.

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Heroes, Week 6: He’s Just My Ex…Nothing More, Nothing Less

As the episode opened, I found myself wondering, “Was there a slightly less insane-sounding way that Peter could’ve explained what he believed to be going on?” I mean, you can’t really blame Ando’s skeptical reaction to the comments…but, then, nor can you blame Hiro for blissfully sighing, “I have a sword…”

I think we all knew it was even money between whether Niki would kill or screw her ex-husband, so no real surprise that it turned out to be the latter. It’s amazing to me that she keeps falling back into her relationship with the guy…but, then, I’ve never claimed to understand the ways of the female mind. That was a gruesome scene she and her ex stumbled upon, huh? Is it wrong that my first thought, like Niki’s, was that her alter ego was responsible…? Although it only lasted about as long it took Niki to find that briefcase in the attic crawlspace, I admit to surprise that her ex spent the episode becoming an almost sympathetic character…even if Mirror Girl didn’t feel the same way. Her ex’s power of intangibility…paging Kitty Pryde!

Of things that didn’t surprise me, however, let’s talk about Claire’s dad. When Claire gets the chance to meet her birth parents, it immediately seems fishy that her dad – a.k.a. Evil Incarnate – would set it up in the midst of everything that’s going down. I didn’t trust for a second that it was authentic…and, of course it wasn’t. And Mohinder suddenly macking on the next-door neighbor…? Dude, at that point, I didn’t even need to see her talking to Claire’s dad on the phone to know for sure that she was working for the dark side.

Hiro and Ando find their way back to the poker table again, helping Mr. Cowboy Hat enjoy some payback for the losses he incurred at their hand a few episodes ago; thankfully, Hiro’s finally figured out a less obvious way to win…one which gets confounded when Ando accidentally discovers that one of the players is packing heat. Ando grabs Hiro and makes up an excuse to the others at the table, which leads to a hilarious exchange:

Gambler: You guys go to the bathroom together?
Ando: Yes. It is how we roll.

When a bloodbath goes down while they’re behind the bathroom door, Hiro begins questioning how much of a hero he really is, since he just allowed people to die. Ando floats the idea of Hiro just getting the hang of his powers first, then coming back and fixing everything with a “do-over.” It would explain his showing up from the future…but I just feel as though it bodes ill.

No sign of Alias Boy this week, but he’s in the preview for next week’s episode, which looks to kick ass. Wow, that’s new…

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Vengeful deity spies godless Hollywood sequel in production

…and He is not amused.

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Reese finally comes to her senses

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe are splitting up after seven years of marriage, TMZ reports:

The couple’s rep released a statement to TMZ Monday morning that says “We are saddened to announce that Reese & Ryan have decided to formally separate. They remain committed to their family and we ask that you please respect their privacy and the safety of their children at this time.”

Sources indicated that the couple’s impending divorce was not caused by a single event, but rather a “cumulative” series of events. Experts suggest that, aside from the couple’s obvious imbalance in the areas of talent, intelligence, and overall attractiveness, two key factors in the breakup were a) Reese’s realization that she is Reese Witherspoon and he is Ryan Phillippe; and b) Ryan’s refusal to “shave that shit off his face.”

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Sunset for “Studio 60″?

Fox News reports that the Aaron Sorkin dramedy “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” may be hovering near death. Although NBC ordered three additional episodes as recently as this past Friday, cast members are reportedly telling their friends that the show is as good as cancelled.

Aside from the inherent news value of the impending cancellation, two points in this story are worth noting:

A) Fox News “reporter” Roger Friedman appears barely capable of restraining his glee at the idea of watching the guillotine fall on another earnest, chatty, liberal Sorkin drama; and

B) If NBC does indeed cancel the program — as part of its recent schedule overhaul emphasizing inexpensive reality programming over quality dramas and sitcoms — the recent “Studio 60” episode dealing with fictitious parent network NBS’s efforts to eschew cheap reality stunts in favor of more expensive highbrow programming will be an ironic footnote indeed.

Since bastion of conservatism Fox News appears to be the first to report such a dire fate for “Studio 60” (and, given the show’s primarily left-leaning content, Fox’s motives in breaking this story are decidedly suspect) there may still be hope for the show…but it needs to find a larger audience very quickly, and tonight’s bump from the sweeps schedule in favor of “Friday Night Lights” does not bode well for Matt, Danny and the gang.

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Rapid Fire Rejects – Halloween Edition

Rest Stop
By far the best of the bunch, “Rest Stop” is like a low-budget version of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” meets “Joyride.” The cast is kept to a bare minimum (which means there isn’t a very high body count), and all the characters maintain the usual level of stupidity that we’ve all come to expect from horror movies.

Let’s Scare Jessica to Death
Typical of most ‘70s horror flicks, “Let’s Scare Jessica to Death” seriously questions the competency of Hollywood casting directors. Incredibly grainy and filled with enough extreme close-ups to confirm just how terrible the acting really is, watching this film will make you feel sick. And no, that’s not a compliment.

The Roost
After a cheesy opening introduces “The Roost” as the Movie of the Week on a late-night cable access show, it becomes quite clear just how bad this film is really going to be. The acting is horrendous, the dialogue isn’t much better, and the story concept suffers from a lack of originality. Killer bats? Is that seriously the best you can do? Sigh…

The Curse of El Charro
A note to horror producers all around the world: we know it’s easy to write characters based on outrageous stereotypes, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a good idea to group a whole bunch of them into one film. When have you ever seen a circle of friends consisting of a ghetto diva, a goth girl, and a preppy chick? Exactly, never. And that’s not even the worst of it. Please accept the following quote as my official warning:

“James, you two-timing son-of-a-bitch. After all I fucking did for you! I fucking stopped chewing, I learned all of those stupid little strip dancing lessons… I even went down on you inside of a movie theater… and I swallowed for Christ’s sakes!”

Yes, it’s that bad.

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When Halloween costumes go wrong

Maher as Irwin

Bill Maher is a funny guy, but this is just taking things too far…

And yes, if you haven’t figured it out, he’s dressed as a dead Steve Irwin.

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