Alcide’s sister, Janice, sure knows how to offer a compliment, telling Sookie that she’s cute and sweet, but only after admitting that she’d’ve settled for a two-bit hooker to get her brother’s mind off his ex-fiancee. Between what Janice said and what Sookie heard her thinking, it appears there are some serious parallels between the relationships of Sookie and Alcide, insofar as how long one should suffer through first love before realizing that it might not be worth all the trouble. But I digress, when I should be pointing out how Janice made Sookie look like Joan Jett’s hot little sister. (Marjorie Kase suggested that I throw a “Sandy from ‘Grease'” reference into my write-up. I’m guessing this is a reference to the “tell me about it, stud” transformation.) Unsurprisingly, Alcide isn’t exactly pleased to hear the news about Debbie’s situation, but he nonetheless agrees to help Sookie get into her party…which we’ll get back to discussing in a little bit.

Sam’s ready to kick his little brother’s ass for sneaking into his office, but in the process of trying to hunt him down, he stumbles upon his family’s van and learns that they’re temporarily camped out in his parking lot because of unpaid rent. Mom and Dad are less than thrilled at the news, but they’re not in any way surprised, either. Meanwhile at Merlotte’s, Jason tries to buy a round for his boys, but he ends up suffering pangs of jealousy over some young high school punk, while Sheriff Bud really is retiring, apparently, and he’s been given a pair of “dancing shoes” as a farewell gift. The revelation that Andy’s taking over the reigns of command pisses Jason off, though, sending him over to start some shit with the aforementioned young punk. Jason might’ve confused the kid with his “ten years from now” speech, but it actually made more sense than most of the things that’ve come of his mouth on this show. Also, Jessica’s working for Sam as a hostess…but not a waitress, owing to the fact that she’s forever trapped at the age of 17 and therefore unable to sell alcohol for all perpetuity (have these people never heard of a fake ID?)…but being out in the open leads her to be spotted by a former Bible-study classmate. Clearly, she’s got the hang of this glamoring thing, but too bad Hoyt got the wrong impression by only seeing the situation from a distance. So Hoyt’s jealous, Deputy Jones and Jason are both pissed, Arlene’s sobbing because the number of redheads employed by the bar has suddenly doubled…yep, it’s just another night in Merlotte’s. Oh, and by the way, Sam’s family is having a cookout in the parking lot. Son of a…

Tara’s baring her soul to Franklin and telling him every single thing she knows about the Sookie / Bill relationship, but she also finds herself opening up about her feelings toward Jason. It was way creepy to see Franklin mouthing the exact words that Tara was saying to Sookie at the moment she was saying them. For a moment, I thought that he might actually feel something for Tara, but that theory went out the door the second he jumped her by the front door…and, yet, though he tied her up and abandoned her, he didn’t leave for dead. Eventually, of course, he returned to her, asking her if she missed him with apparently no sarcasm. Hmmm, I guess he really does have feelings for her, even if he can’t quite determine what they are. Either way, he takes her on a ride, calling their time together less a kidnapping than an opportunity. She’s scared shitless…and probably should be.

Okay, for as disgusted as I was by the sex scene that ended the previous episode, I still had to laugh when Lorena called it “the best sex I’ve had in decades” and cracked her neck. Bill quickly put a damper on any emotion she might’ve felt during their encounter, though. She’s just as deluded now as she ever was, convinced that he’ll come around eventually. Ain’t happening, Lorena. Later, Bill bonds a bit more with the Vampire King of Mississippi, who’s puffing away on a stogie and quoting Rudyard Kipling (“a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke”) while Bill’s trying to confirm that Lorena’s days are numbered. To do so, he quickly sells out Eric and the Vampire Queen. Attaboy, Compton!

The sight of Eric hovering outside Sookie’s window was pretty funny, but within moments of her inviting him into her room, I knew we were looking at some kind of dream sequence. I only wish the dream had gone on a little longer, ‘cause, damn, Anna Paquin was lookin’ good! I guess it’s a testament to my “type” that the sight of the stripper made me go, “Yeah, whatever, now get back to Sookie.”

Despite his new car, Lafayette’s sales gig looked like it was taking a serious turn for the worse until Eric stepped in to save the day. Clearly that’s not going to happen every time, but I guess it serves to show that Lafayette is not alone in this endeavor, and they’d better recognize that fact. It seems weird to see Eric and Lafayette talking shop, but it didn’t last long. The next thing you know, Eric’s getting word that Fangtasia’s being raided, and…hey, it’s our man Zeljko doing the raiding! Thankfully, Eric temporarily talks down Zeljko, thereby sparing Pam for the time being.

When Sam tried to bond with Tommy, I couldn’t imagine it was going to pan out. Tommy’s not exactly the sentimental type, based on what we’ve seen thus far. But he is, though, acknowledging the guilt he’d feel if he tried to forge his own path and leave his parents on their own. In the end, Sam gives his family a place to stay ‘til they get back on their feet, provided there’s no stealing or drinking. Yeah, I wonder how long that will last…

And, now, we come to the last portion of the episode, where storylines began to converge. Tara and Franklin’s trip ended at the resident of the Vampire King of Mississippi, who was – as his longtime companion informed them – not home. Where was he? Out and about with Bill and Lorena. Poor Bill found himself playing the part of the procurer again, a thankless job if there ever was one, but at least he ended up getting a few confessional-esque moments with a really hot stripper before taking her back to the limo to get the lifeblood sucked out of her. While he was gone, however, The King left Lorena alone in the limo for a bit, and the expression on her face led me to think that we were possibly about to see the last of her. Instead, I was surprised to see His Majesty stroll into the werewolf bar where Sookie and Alcide were hanging out. Sookie hung tough in her disguise – it was particularly hilarious when Gus looked at her and thought, “She looks familiar. Did I bang her?” – but Alcide barely kept it together when dealing with his ex, who’s either really under the influence of her new friends or just a complete bitch…or possibly even both.

Tonight’s episode was one of the darkest “True Blood” installments we’ve seen in awhile, but it wasn’t as disconcerting as last week’s, so it felt like a major improvement. I’d even go so far as to say that it was the best episode of the season to date. Let’s hope the various storylines continue as strongly next week.

As for the opening, I obviously heard the gun go off at the tail end of last week’s episode, but I didn’t really think much about what the end result would be, as I was focused more on what Eric was about to do. As such, I certainly didn’t expect the end result to be Eric leaping in front of the bullet so that the werewolf would survive at least long enough for him to interrogate him for a bit. It was good to hear Sookie using her powers again, and the back-and-forth between the werewolf and Eric made me laugh, even if it was a predictable exchange (“You might as well go ahead and kill me now.” “As you wish.”), but you’ll forgive me, I hope, for my feelings on the throat-ripping scene, which was so gross as to deflate what otherwise would’ve been a smirk-worth comment from Eric: “Got your rug all well.” The duo quickly dispose of the corpse, with Eric acting surprisingly worried about the threat of werewolves. In addition to his not-very-couched hint about his feelings toward Sookie (“I don’t expect you to understand.” “I understand very well.”), I also thought it was interesting the way Eric recognized the werewolf’s accent. Who knew that vampires had an ear for such things?

The storyline within the King’s palace in Mississippi wasn’t nearly as interesting as the trip it served to take us on, but it was amusing to see His Majesty mock his “associate” and his tendency to overemphasize the importance of their nice things. The conversation between the King and Bill was somewhat educational, with the former asking Bill vampire to vampire about his feelings toward Sookie, basically saying that it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if Bill were to turn her. Bill’s not having any of that, though, and the next thing you know, he’s on a trip down memory lane, recalling the awful experience that he was forced to endure as a result of being turned by Lorena. Revisiting his first post-turning encounter with his family, having to look upon the body of his dead son and suffer through the emotional torture of his wife’s reaction to his vampirism…you wouldn’t wish that on anybody. And then for Lorena to tell him that he’d be doing Carolina a favor by basically wiping her memory? Rough stuff, to be sure. You can see why Bill pledged dedication to Mississippi, but you know Sookie’s going to have something to say about it.

Well, Tara certainly didn’t hesitate to have a little tete-a-tete with her new friend Franklin. I reckon she now sees what Sookie has been seeing in vamps for all this time…which, based on the direction that her eyes rolled, probably looks something like the back of her head. Yowza. It was interesting to hear Franklin deny Tara’s desire for death based solely on the fact that she wanted it. I guess it’s no fun when they’re begging for it. Clearly, based on her post-coital temperament, he must’ve boffed all the stress right of her…or, at least, that’s how it appeared right up to the point when he started asking questions. Tara’s next great moment in the episode came in conjunction with the brief return of Mike Spencer – I’m so glad Hollywood has recognized John Billingsley’s calling as one of the great quirky character actors of his generation – and the realization that no one was going to be turning up for Eggs’ funeral. How sweet of Sookie to have paid for everything, and what a perfect way to bring those friends back together again.

I have to presume that I wasn’t the only one who was royally creeped out by the load Sam’s daddy seemed to be packing in his tidy whiteys when he popped in for the family reunion early in the episode. I mean, seriously, ewwww. Tommy’s still playing the tough guy (“I figured since we’re related you could keep up”), but Mom seems incredibly sweet and legitimately so. Dad, however, is just plain weird. All the roles remain the same when the gang turns up later at Merlotte’s, and the earlier assertion that Dad wasn’t an alcoholic is utterly and totally disproved. I guess that was Tommy who flew out of Sam’s office…? Or perhaps it was Mommy Dearest checking up on her newfound sonny boy? As for Sam’s return to Bon Temps, the most notable part of his conversation with Sookie – aside from his comment about how he’s lucky the town doesn’t really have any other bar options – was the fact that he noticed her ring. It can’t have been but so much of a surprise, though: that ship started sailing away quite some time ago.

Jason tells Hoyt that the universe has shown him his destiny: to be a cop. Uh-oh. Add to that the fact that Jason’s pointedly comparing himself to Andy, and I think it’s pretty clear that Jason’s doomed, especially given that he scores 0 for 22 on his test exam before he interrupts the proceedings to offer Hoyt…relationship advice? That’s like needing a Beatles expert and settling for Charles Manson: anything he tells you is suspect, possibly batshit crazy, and will almost certainly result in jail time. I did, however, love the small touch of having Jason refer to two kinds of people and then cite three types. The double-team nightmare about not being able to understand the exam and not wearing pants was pretty funny, too. Unfortunately, I guess the guilt he feels toward Tara for having shot her boyfriend will keep us from seeing Deputy Jason anytime soon. That’s a damned shame.

So Eric’s sent a werewolf to look out for Sookie? And a pretty decent fellow he is, too. It was pretty hilarious watching his mind be blown by her mental abilities. The trip to the were-bar was a fun little expedition, particularly Sookie’s attempt to win friends and influence people by talking were-smack. If you didn’t know already, Gus…the primary werewolf in the bar who, as it turns out, was also in the car…is played by Patrick Swayze’s brother, Don. One observation about this sequence, though: the bit about Sookie’s new pal and his ex, Debbie, was thrown in about as awkwardly as it possibly could have been.

A couple other moments of note:

* Arlene tells Terry that she’s expecting, but not that it’s not his “critter.” I’m sorry, I’m not quite sure about the timeline of the series. Does that mean we’re supposed to presume that the baby is Rene’s, or is it some strange mystical baby that’s came about as a result of Arlene’s participation in all of Maryanne’s orgiastic shenanigans?

* Eric gives Lafayette a car…oh, sorry, I meant that he sells him a car for a dollar. That was funny stuff about the gift tax. I don’t take Lafayette as a guy who’s prone to falling for a simple trick like Eric’s lacking-in-ambition comment, but I reckon we’ll see what happens.

* Sheriff Dearborne up and quit, calling time on account of too much horseshit. Say it ain’t so! I don’t to live in a world where William Sanderson isn’t a cast member of “True Blood”!

Tonight’s title comes, of course, from Pam’s highly memorable line while providing a bit of office romance in the back room of Fangtasia. Turns out Pam wasn’t responsible for Jessica’s incredible disappearing trucker. For a moment, I thought we might have a zombie on our hands, but, no, it’s all to do with Franklin, who trades his “good deed” for information from Jessica. I loved the way they traded fang faces when he first turned up at the door, as well as his clarification that the whole you-have-to-invite-me-in thing doesn’t work when a vampire comes a’calling to another vampire’s abode. The next thing you know, Franklin’s over at Tara’s place, she’s in his web, and God only knows what’s going to come of that…

Lastly, I just wanted to very, very briefly touch on that last scene, with Bill and Lorena and their twisted close encounter. In a word: grotesque…and not in a good way. (I’m not really sure what a good take on grotesque would be, but this definitely wasn’t it.) Yes, it confirmed that there’s nothing he can do that will stop her from loving him, but, really, that was stomach-churning and felt completely gratuitous.

As we return to the festivities as we left them last week, it’s clear that Bill has chosen not to play around when it comes to dealing with the werewolves. The slaughter comes to an abrupt end, however, with the arrival of Russell Edgington, the Vampire King of Mississippi. I was impressed with what Denis O’Hare brought to the role, if not terribly surprised: the guy’s been bouncing around films for ages, but he’s had quite a bit of TV work lately, including roles on “Brothers and Sisters,” “CSI Miami,” and “The Good Wife,” even an episode of “Bored to Death.” I had to laugh at the idea of a werewolf named Cooter, of course, along with his delightfully redneck comment, “You’re about to get deader, dead ass motherfucker!” It was a shame to see him dispatched so quickly, but, hey, that’s what happens when you drink from one of the King’s guests.

There’s not necessarily a lot of substance to it, but I’m enjoying the saga of Jessica trying to figure out what to do with the body of the dead trucker, what with the excessive Lysol use and the chainsaw. I liked Pam’s explanation about how to feed properly without killing your victim (it’s all in the heartbeat, apparently), and I have to believe that Pam’s the one responsible for the trucker’s body disappearing. I suspect Pam may be seeing a little bit of herself in this young girl. I also continue to be touched by Hoyt’s attempts to resurrect his relationship with Jessica, as he’s trying so hard to understand her, despite her refusing to allow him to be a sweetheart. She may say it’s too late for her to fight her nature, but it’s clear that he has no intention of giving up. Does that mean that he’ll end up being just another victim? We’ll see, but I like to think that her reaction to seeing the picture of the trucker with his son may have re-stirred some of her humanity.

I think the scenes I enjoyed most this week were the ones between Lafayette and Tara. As I mentioned last week, it’s great to finally have the old Lafayette back, but his trials in Season 2 seem to have strengthened the bond he has with Tara. He blows into the bathroom, forces her to spit out as many pills as possible, and when her mama tries to step in to help, he snaps, “You’re too busy praising Jesus to notice that she’s trying to move in with him permanently!” Later, as he’s ostensibly taking her to the hospital, he makes it sound as though she’s helping to give him a reason to live. We soon found out why, when they reached their revised destination: the Meadowglade Clinic, home to Ruby Jean, Lafayette’s mama. He hasn’t visited her for months, and until now, he hasn’t told anyone about her being in the clinic, but given that she’s played by Alfre Woodard, it’s a safe bet that this won’t be the last we see of her…and that’s a good thing. Given her casual delivery of politically incorrect one-liners, like the description of her nurse (“He’s a Mexican, but he ain’t raped me yet”), it’s clear where Lafayette got his manners. By the time Lafayette and Tara are heading home, it appears that the two of them have reached a new understanding between each others…but we’ll see.

Sam wakes up in his car with a shotgun pointed at his face and is then promptly escorted inside. What a wonderful way to greet your parents for the first time, huh? They seem to be legitimately nice people who just made the best decision they could at the time, but I guess time will tell if that perception is an accurate one. We confirmed that it’s Sam’s mama who passed on the shapeshifting gift to him, but even though his father’s normal, he views his son’s gift as a special one. For her part, his mama is sorry that he had to go it alone with his abilities, but his newfound brother is just pissed off that nobody ever told him that he had a sibiling, so he storms off. They eventually talk it out, though…or, at least, they run it out, using their mutual abilities. I don’t know which was more interesting: that Sam’s li’l bro has a way more butch look as a dog, or that he can shift from dog to bird at lightning-fast speed.

Terry had a couple of really nice scenes tonight, reminding us just what a sweetheart he can be. First, there was the moment when he assisted Sookie in the parking lot of Merlotte’s, where he demonstrated some serious tracking abilities, which was soon followed by him providing her with a firearm and saying, “I’ve always liked you, and I’d miss you if you got killed.” Awwwwwww! Then, later, he began to offer Arlene 10 reasons she can trust him with her kids, including having a diploma in anger management and a long-standing record of never having killed anything by accident. What I want to see, though, is Felix the armadillo…and, dammit, I want to hear the rest of the top 10 list!

Nazi vampires and werewolves during WWII…? Am I the only one who suddenly had visions of DC Comics’ Creature Commandos? Or, for that matter, of the episode of “Angel” where Angel and Spike were on a German sub during the war? Either way, the flashbacks were awesome, partially because it provided a chance to see Godric again, but mostly just because, hello, it’s Nazi vampires! (I really need to watch “Dead Snow” one of these days.) Eric didn’t make much headway with his less-than-obvious attempts to get Sookie in the sack, but he did give her a lecture about her human tendencies and how they’d get her in trouble if she talked too much about the werewolves…so, of course, the first thing she does is tell Jason about them. Bad move, but still totally worth it for his subsequent question about the possibility reality of both Bigfoot and Santa. (Plus, the scene also gave Sookie the chance to break out her hilarious impression of Bill.) I made note of Eric’s comment about how Sookie’s tears make him feel disconcertingly human. They’re clearly creeping toward the inevitable relationship between the two of them. The question is just how long they’re going to keep us waiting for it.

We got more insight into the Andy / Jason relationship, starting with the press conference, where Andy began to flounder the moment he spotted Jason, passing the buck to the sheriff as quickly as he could. Nonetheless, the footage results in Andy getting applause at Merlotte’s and causes Jason to jump onto the bar and describe Andy as not only a real hero but, indeed, the wind beneath his wings. Not exactly keeping a low profile, are you, Jason? It’s clear that he’s got mixed feelings about the way things have gone down since he shot Eggs. Yes, it was an accident, and, no, he didn’t mean to do it, but now that Andy’s become a hero, Jason’s not sure what the hell he should’ve done. It was pretty funny, though, when Andy described it as “sad” when Jason called him his best friend. I don’t know what to make of the mysterious girl that Jason saw in the woods when he tagged along on the meth bust, nor am I entirely sure how things will play out with his assistance in catching one of the drug fellers, but I’m looking forward to it. I always enjoy Jason’s storylines, but even more so since Andy’s gotten involved in them.

As for the dinner between the Vampire King of Mississippi, his close personal friend Talbot (who clearly is not wearing the pants in the relationship, based on the smackdown the King gave him at one point), and our man Bill, I found it interesting enough, but I kind of felt like the only reason it was set at dinner was to give them an opportunity to lay out as many blood-themed dishes as possible. So the King wants to make Bill the sheriff of Mississippi Area 2, claiming that state lines will soon be no issue, but Bill says “no, thanks.” Instantly, the King brings Sookie into play as a bargaining chip, resulting in Bill getting pissed off and the King offering the great reaction line, “You are in my house, put your fangs away.” The conclusion of the scene, with Bill throwing the lamp at Lorena, who promptly burst into flame, was pretty harsh stuff…even if I didn’t appreciate it as such until later. (Thanks, Rose, for clarifying that it wasn’t the Queen. That’s what I get for trying to watch the show and take notes at the same time…)

Beyond the final scene with Sookie shooting the bullet at the approaching werewolf, the only other moment to address belongs to Tara, with her new friend at the bar, who helps her take down the rednecks who were pissing on Eggs’ grave. Given that she was swigging Wild Turkey like no one’s business, this seems like the perfect tie-in to my recent interview with the father-son team behind that particular bourbon: Jimmy and Eddie Russell. (I wonder how they feel about that commercial tie-in…)

See you next week, everyone. Happy Father’s Day!

I mean, seriously, here’s what happened in the first two minutes (!) of the episode:

• Sookie runs out of the restaurant, frantic that Bill’s been kidnapped, leading the French woman to decry the world’s vampire population.
• Sam’s on the road, heading for Magnolia, Arkansas, looking for some folks named Melinda and Joe Lee Mickens…who are, as it happens, his folks.
• Jason’s having an anxiety attack over shooting Eggs.
• Tara is beside herself with grief, but Lafayette’s trying to console her.
• Hoyt makes Jessica’s heart momentarily melt with the flowers she’s left for him, but although she’s touched, she’s can’t just leave her trucker lying on the porch.
• Bill’s kidnappers are a bunch of rednecks who tell him that he can call them the Fuck You Crew.

Talk about making quick work of playing catch-up, huh?

At first, I thought Deputy Jones wasn’t very fond of vampires, hence her bad attitude while Sookie was trying to get her missing-persons report filed for Bill, but, but, it seemed to me that her real issue was the fact that Bill proposed and Sookie turned him down. Daaaaaaamn…but, really, as a guy, I have to say that my reaction to having a proposal rejected wouldn’t have been terribly far removed from what the good deputy was theorizing. Still, as a law enforcement officer, her actions seemed less than professional, even for Bon Temps, Louisiana. Not that the sheriff was much better when she confronted him about the situation…

Inside Merlotte’s, Andy’s looking decidedly nervous, which is clearly why Terry comes over and gets all philosophical on his ass. There’s a lot of love in this bar…well, except from Arlene, who you’d think would be more sympathetic to Tara’s loss. (I laughed out loud when she said, “I’m sorry you fell in love with a serial killer, all right, but who here hasn’t?”) Arlene, of course, has got her own troubles to deal with, as we learned later in the episode when she exclaimed, “Shit! I’m pregnant again!” This ought to be interesting…and when I say interesting, I think Terry’s descriptor probably comes closer. That was a damned peculiar reaction. Who’s the father of this baby, anyway?

Clearly, Jessica is already regretting her actions with the truck driver, but it’s a little late in the game for that: not only is he pissed, but by the time she begins to be concerned, he’s already teetering on the precipice of death. She’s clearly still a bundle of mixed emotions, though, because as soon as she heard a noise outside, she was up like a flash, dumping him back onto the steps. Am I the only one who laughed when, in reaction to Sookie revealing that Bill’s been kidnapped, a befuddled Jessica asked, “What? I thought you were just going to dinner!” (Like the kidnapping was something that had been added to schedule for the evening…?) It’s clear that people’s shock over Sookie rejecting Bill’s proposal is going to be a running joke…and speaking of jokes, I also laughed at Jessica’s snap decision on how to save her trucker’s life, though I did so because I thought it’d back to bite her in the ass. As it turned out, it didn’t do jack shit, which was somehow even funnier, possibly because it was accompanied by such a God-awful stench. Shame about poor Hoyt’s attempts to reconcile falling on deaf…or distracted…ears, but give him credit for keeping the faith.

I’m glad to see they’re going to embrace the relationship between Andy and Jason. Their scenes were some of the best parts of Season 2, so I’m psyched to see what this brain trust will provide us in Season 3. Already, we’ve got the season’s first instant t-shirt slogan: “Conscience off, dick on!” I question whether or not Jason is going to be able to follow Andy’s instructions, unfortunately. I have my suspicions that his attempts to act “normal” will just cause him to look like he’s hiding something…which, of course, he is.

“I’m in no mood for lesbian weirdness tonight, Pam.” Damn, Pam looks good, and she’s having a lot of fun playing with Sookie, even as she’d like to play with the new dancer at Fangtasia. I’m sure you ladies…and, yes, some gentlemen as well, no doubt…enjoyed Erik’s nekkid strut toward Sookie, but it just made me laugh. Still, you’ve got to admire his confidence. Nice snarky comment from Erik about Bill’s stamina, but it was interesting to hear him comment that he’s duty bound as sheriff to find the people responsible for Bill’s disappearance. Well, sure he is…especially since he’d sent his own people out to kidnap Bill! Pam’s trying to convince him to get the queen involved, but that’s the last thing Erik wants.

The whole scene in the car with Bill and his redneck kidnappers was pretty disconcerting to me, what with the whole trading of blood thing, so it was nice to see Bill end it with one quick neck twist. Hell of a way to stop a car, but it did the trick. Still, Bill might be free, but given the amount of blood dripping from his wounds, it was clear as he was crawling from the wreckage that he’s still a far cry from clear, but at least he had enough strength to send that psychic burst to Jessica, which was pretty awesome.

So Lafayette’s getting Tara hopped up on goofballs or something…nah, just kidding: it’s tequila and Klonipin, which – although I’m not personally familiar with the drug – is apparently used to for panic and anxiety attacks. Whatever it is, I can’t imagine that you ought to mix it with alcohol. Still, if it’s supposed to calm Tara down, she manages to blow off its effects and lose her fucking mind when Sookie reveals that she told Eggs what he did while under Maryanne’s power. Damn, Sookie can’t catch a break, can she? Kids, remember: honesty isn’t always the best policy.

I have no idea what the whole dream sequence with Sam and Bill was about, but I laughed my ass off at Bill’s line, “I hear the water in Arkansas is very hard…” Clearly, Sam’s family isn’t exactly the most savory bunch, given that they were evicted from their last residence, but how interesting to learn that Sam’s got a brother. We didn’t make much headway on this storyline, except to see that, by episode’s end, he’s found his family. Presumably, he’ll actually approach them next episode.

You know who has the best relationship advice? City employees. It was interesting to hear Jason make the comment harking back to the religion he was being fed back in Season 2, but the key line of the scene came a few moments later: “You want to really fuck somebody’s life up? Tell the truth about ‘em. They ain’t never gonna be the same.” Truth and honesty seems to be the theme of this episode. Looks like Jason’s got himself a new roommate…and it’s Hoyt.

I loved the scene between Lafayette and Tara’s mama. She might be the one talking all God this and God that, but he’s the one preaching the gospel: “Do everybody a solid and, instead of looking up at a god who let all this shit happen, you need to keep your eyes on your fucking daughter, ’cause she ain’t right to be alone.” It’s awesome to have the old Lafayette back, the one whose every other line in Season 1 was comedy gold. His scene ender here was genius: “You, me, bridge…? It ain’t never gonna motherfucking happen.”

Zeljko Ivanek, I wonder if I can watch two consecutive hours of quality television without having you show up at some point. I’m beginning to think not. It was good to see him turn up again as the Magistrate, throwing his weight around and emptying Fangtasia for an impromptu summit. I’m not sure which was more interesting: his concerns about the blood uptake in the vampire community, or the Queen’s revelation that she’s in debt up to her eyeballs. “Hell hath no fury like a vampire queen broke,” indeed…

Why on earth would such incredibly hot college students be passing through Bon Temps? I guess it’s appropriate that one of them is following a field of study with an emphasis in canine psychology, since Jason’s clearly back to being a poon hound. I loved that line he offered to his new roommate: “There’s a certain amount of pussy overflow you’re just going to have to learn to deal with!” Atta boy, Stackhouse! Still, for all his attempts at feigning normalcy, Li’l Jason just wasn’t having it. In fairness, if I was seeing bullet holes in the foreheads of my attempted sexual conquests, I’d be a little concerned if I could get it up, but, damn, you can’t say the ladies didn’t give him enough material to work with. It’s scenes like these that provide guys with unrealistic visions of what to expect from their sexual encounters.
Frankly, I think the real boner-diminishing element was Billy Squier’s “Everybody Wants You,” but maybe that’s just me.

If tonight’s any indication, then it looks like Pam’s going to have a pretty decent role this season: in addition to when we saw her at Fangtasia, she also scored another scene with Sookie (during which time she received her call from Erik) and taught Lafayette that he’d better watch it with the backtalk. Note to self: never call a female vampire a hooker.

No matter what Tara’s mama might be saying and despite the Reverend’s best efforts, I couldn’t for a moment picture Tara finding Jesus and turning into a full-fledged Bible-thumper. Eventually, the Rev made his departure, though not before Tara’s mama hits on him in a big way. Talk about your weird moments. It must’ve been good for Mama, though, given how relaxed she’s looking when Lafayette comes home. She just doesn’t listen to that boy, though. He said, “You need to keep your eyes on your daughter,” but the second she stops watching, Tara’s in the bathroom, trying to fix herself a last cocktail, so to speak. Looks like Betty Draper’s got some competition for TV Mother of the Year.

Now that Sookie knows about vampire transmissions, she’s immediately on Jessica’s case to find out if she’s gotten one from Bill. Typically, the importance of the information she’s received has gone completely over Jessica’s head, but Sookie sorts her out, and the next thing you know, they’ve found Bill’s car. So the Fuck You Crew are a bunch of werewolves, huh?

Speaking of Bill, it’s a sign of the level of his desperation that he should, however apologetically, feed on an old woman, but it was a very sweet gesture on his part to leave her with the (false) memory that her son had stopped by and had nothing but good things to say about her. Mind you, I’m not sure if the strength that he found from feeding on Olivia will provide him with sufficient defense from a pack of werewolves, but time will tell. In fact, a week’s time should just about do it.

See you next Sunday!

It seems like forever since we’ve had a Sayid-centric story, so I was really excited to discover that tonight’s episode was all about everyone’s favorite Iraqi torture specialist. Unfortunately, for as many great lines as there were, it actually ended up being one of the flatter episodes of the season. That probably had something to do with the strange collection of flashbacks and flash forwards that accompanied the present day (or new present, anyway) storyline, because with the exception of Sayid’s introduction to Ilana – who doesn’t appear to be a federal marshal at all, but rather some sort of bounty hunter – we didn’t really learn anything new about the time between his rescue and return.

Even the action on the island was pretty dull. Well, not dull so much as just really thin. I mean, how many different times did we really need to see Sawyer trying to convince Sayid to cooperate with the Dharminians? And why didn’t Sayid want to take the easy way out by telling them that he was just trying to escape from the Others? I brought this up last week because it didn’t make any sense for Sayid to want to remain silent, and now it makes just as much sense after declining Sawyer’s offer to become one of them. If all he cared about was killing young Ben Linus, wouldn’t it have been easier to do so from within that circle of trust?

Apparently not, because Sayid didn’t budge one bit, and as a result, Horace took him to go see Oldham (William Sanderson of “Deadwood” fame) in order to get some answers. It was pretty obvious that Oldham was Dharma’s torture specialist the moment his name was brought up, but Sayid asked Sawyer who Oldham was nonetheless, to which Sawyer replied “He’s our you.” Now, if that didn’t send chills down your back, I don’t know what will, because that has to be one of the best episode titles in the history of the series; and even more so because of the way it was worked into the story. I would have liked to have found just what it was that Oldham stuck in Sayid’s mouth, though, because while it seemed to initially operate as a truth serum, the later effects made me think it was some kind of psychedelic drug instead. Whatever it was, it worked, but while it looked like Sayid would blow Sawyer’s cover by spilling the beans, the moment he mentioned he was from the past, Horace seemed unconvinced that the drug had worked.

After Dharma’s council votes to kill him, however, Sayid’s Christ-like sacrifice (which he seems to believe will atone for all his sins) is interrupted when he’s sprung from jail while everyone else is trying to deal with a flaming Dharma van that has randomly rolled into camp. (Even during times of stress, Sawyer’s wit is spot on: “Three years, no burning buses. You’re all back for one day…”). Curiously enough, it’s young Ben who’s responsible for saving Sayid, who does so under the condition that he can join him on his way back to the Others’ camp. I don’t know if that’s where Sayid plans to go (it seems to be his only option at this point), but he definitely doesn’t intend on bringing Ben with him. Granted, I didn’t expect Sayid to kill a child in cold blood, but then again, who’s to say Ben is really dead? Faraday has already stated that the past can’t be changed, so it’s probably more likely that Ben will be saved/revived by the Others and eventually made their leader. After all, Ben’s spinal condition had to be a result of something, so why not an old gunshot wound that he received as a kid?