Tucker (Alan Tudyk) and Dale (Tyler Labine) are two well-meaning but poorly educated good ol’ boys who have recently purchased a rundown cabin in the woods as a vacation home. En route to their paradise of relaxation and fishing, they encounter a group of mostly obnoxious college kids who are creeped out by them based on Dale’s innocent but ungainly attempt to talk to the prettiest girl among them, Allison (Katrina Bowden). Chad (Jesse Moss) in particular shows extraordinary prejudice against the two well-meaning bumpkins, and it becomes clear that he is the character who would be the hero in a more conventional horror film. Instead, he is presented as a vicious, bloodthirsty maniac – the very type of person he believes Tucker and Dale to be.

After Chad attempts to put the moves on Allison at his family’s cabin, adjacent to Tucker and Dale’s, she leaves to take a walk by herself down by the lake, only to slip and fall in, hitting her head. Tucker and Dale, of course, save her from drowning, but are perceived by the other college students to be kidnapping her. This is just the beginning of a series of unfortunate accidents and misunderstandings that leads Chad and the others to think the two good-natured hillbillies are psycho killers. Though it ultimately takes a less interesting route (and I may be giving this bloody but relatively light comedy too much credit), at a certain point the film seems to be making the surprisingly intelligent case that, often, those obsessed with finding and destroying evil are, in fact, the truly evil ones. It undercuts this philosophical thesis with a lot of silliness and a somewhat problematic ending, but this movie is nonetheless a lot of fun, and a far better film than the title led me to believe.

Hidden Netflix Gems is a new feature designed to help readers answer that burning question, “What should I watch tonight?” It will be updated every Saturday before the sun goes down.

It felt like there was more star power on hand than usual for a winter tour…but, then, having Oprah in your midst kind of skewers your perceptions on that sort of thing. I suppose it’s a testament to how many famous people I’ve met over the years, though, that one of the biggest reasons I look forward to the tour is not because of who I might interview but, rather, because I’ll get the chance to hang out with the friends I’ve made within the TCA. All told, it was another great time, but, as ever, when it was over, I was more than ready to get back home to my family and share my memories with them…and with you, too, of course.

Well, let’s get on with the reminiscing, shall we?

Oh, but one word of warning: if you followed my daily dispatches during the tour, then a couple of these stories will sound strikingly familiar, but please rest assured that the majority of the material has not been copied wholesale and is, in fact, 100% new. Swear to God.

Most entertaining panel by a broadcast network: “Made in Spain” (PBS)

Not being a foodie, I wouldn’t have known José Andrés prior to his kick-off of PBS’s first day at the TCA tour if he’d been standing next to me…and, even then, I wouldn’t have known that I was supposed to care who he was. After several minutes of clips from the first season of “Made in Spain,” however, I was already in love with the series, and when Andres himself took the stage, it was impossible not to be charmed by him. He’s a sweetheart of a guy for whom food truly is life, but he’s also a hoot.

Most entertaining panel by a cable network: “An Idiot Abroad” (Science Channel)

I was seriously bummed when I heard that no one from “An Idiot Abroad” was going to be in attendance for the show’s panel, but I figured, “Okay, at least they’ll be there via satellite.” In retrospect, there’s no way they could’ve been funnier if they’d actually been onsite. Naturally, just being in Karl Pilkington’s presence was enough to inspire Ricky Gervais and Steven Merchant to dissolve into a fit of giggles, but they were utterly warranted this go-round.

Here, see for yourself:

Most annoying panel: “Platinum Hit” (Bravo)

Between Kara DioGuardi handling a question about “American Idol” about as poorly as she possibly could have – read more about that here – and Jewel dropping names like they were hot potatoes (“I was talking to Steven Spielberg…”), I’m hard pressed to think of any panel that left a worse taste in my mouth.

Panel which had the least need for an audience: “The Best of Laugh-In” (PBS)

It wasn’t entirely surprising that a panel consisting of Lily Tomlin, Jo Anne Worley, Ruth Buzzi, Gary Owens and George Schlatter would be able keep things moving along without any of the critics in attendance actually needing to ask a question, but they kept passing the conversational ball back and forth until someone in the crowd finally had to stand up and ask if it was okay to ask a question. Schlatter instantly shot back, “We’re trying to talk here!” Laughter ensued, as did plenty of questions about the history of “Laugh-In.” “Are you guys having fun?” Schlatter asked later. “Because we’re having a ball!” Must be what keeps them looking so young: you’d never in a million years believe that Worley – that’s her in the feathered boa, in case you hadn’t guessed – is 73 years old.

Funniest panel that you probably had to be there to appreciate: “Community” (NBC)

The only person not in attendance was Chevy Chase, who was described as being “very under the weather,’ but his co-stars more than made up for his absence. If I tried to tell you about it, though, you’d probably just stare blankly at me. Some of the funniness came from the giggling of the various panelists, some it involved one-liners which would require a lengthy amount of set-up for you to appreciate, some of it was totally visual, and…well, you get the idea. But it really was hilarious, I swear. The most easily-translatable moment is probably Donald Glover’s story about how they had to teach Betty White the lyrics to Toto’s “Africa” on the set. “I assumed she knew ‘Africa,’” he said. “I was, like, ‘Everybody knows that song!’ But, like, that song was out when she was already old. She was already 50-something.”

Greatest Moment of Complete Honesty During the Tour: When I approached Jack McBrayer (“30 Rock”) to ask him a question, he agreed, but then he looked down at my recorder and said, “Oh, my! You’re not going to record this, are you? I’d rather you didn’t.” At this point, he performed a perfect mock aside, holding a hand to his mouth and whispering, “I’m a little bit tipsy!” So I turned off my recorder. Kudos to you, Mr. McBrayer. Would that more actors had that blend of good humor and common sense.

Most common recurring question during the panels: “Who’s the moral center of your show?”

I am at a loss to understand why this vaguely pretentious-sounding query suddenly became the must-ask of the tour, but I’m sure I heard it asked half a dozen times, maybe more.

Most promising new cable program that I didn’t know much about before going into the tour: “Too Big to Fail” (HBO)

Even without knowing the subject matter of the film (it’s about the whole Lehman Brothers financial saga of a few years ago), just seeing the list of cast members is enough to make the title seem apropos. Dig these names: William Hurt, Paul Giamatti, Topher Grace, Billy Crudup, James Woods, Bill Pullman, Matthew Modine, Tony Shaloub, Cynthia Nixon, Michael O’Keefe, Dan Hedaya, Kathy Baker, and Ed Asner as Warren Buffett. Seriously, how can this thing go wrong?

Least promising new broadcast network program that I didn’t know anything about before going into the tour: “America’s Next Great Restaurant” (NBC)

One of the critics asked, “Do you remember Rocco’s DiSpirito’s TV show, ‘The Restaurant’?” I do not. And I won’t remember to watch this one, either. Who cares?

My best opening salvo for an interview: telling Malcolm McDowell that I really loved his audio commentary for “Caligula.”

It could’ve backfired horribly on me, but given that it’s one of my all-time favorite commentaries (and given how thoroughly amused he seems to be throughout the proceedings), I had to lead with this unique piece of praise. As it happens, his eyes lit up immediately as he informed me that he’d wanting for years to do a one-man show about his experiences working on the film, assuring me that he’d saved a few stories for just such an occasion.

Favorite moment during a one-on-one interview: Phil Morris channeling the spirit of Lord Buckley.

We were talking about the character of Jackie Chiles, which Morris played on “Seinfeld” and has recently revived for FunnyOrDie.com. Morris – now on TV One’s “Love That Girl!” – was trying to explain how Jackie’s delivery was what made the character funny, but while trying to come up with a name, he kept saying, “F. Lee…F. Lee…” F. Lee Bailey? “No, I mean, uh, Buckley.” Before he could clarify that he meant William F. Buckley, I laughed and suggested that he might be referring to Lord Buckley. At this reference, Morris raised his eyebrows and launched into a perfect impression of the mustachioed hipster comedian, which just about knocked me backwards. “Come on now, how often do you get to break that out?” I asked. Morris burst out laughing and offered a fist bump, praising me for “digging deep,” but I dare say the same praise could be lavished on him as well.

Favorite one-on-one interview overall: Tyler Labine, “Mad Love” (CBS)

I’ve got to go with Mr. Labine on this one. I met him during my first TCA tour in 2007, back when he was pimping the premiere of “Reaper,” and between Facebook, phoners, and further TCA events…well, I wouldn’t be so presumptuous as to say we’re friends, but we’ve definitely built a comfortable rapport when it comes to our conversations. As such, his first words involved apologizing for the fact that we couldn’t kick back and drink scotch this time (that’s what we did when he was promoting “Sons of Tucson” for Fox) because he had to be back on the set in a few hours. Still, he’s a nice guy, he’s got a nice beard, and, once again, we had a nice – if woefully alcohol-free – interview.

Most intimidating roundtable interview: Tommy Lee Jones, “The Sunset Limited” (HBO)

Everyone warned me. They said, “He’s not a good interview, he hates doing press, and if you’re not planning to bring your A-game, then you might as well not come at all.” But, dammit, it’s Tommy Lee Jones. How do you turn down the chance to sit in the presence of that guy? Better yet, I’d watched and really enjoyed his adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s play, “The Sunset Limited,” which he’d directed for HBO and starred in as well, along with Samuel L. Jackson. Sure, I was intimidated, but I’d done my research, I had my questions, and I was ready to roll.

As it turns out, Mr. Jones was everything I’d been promised and more, but while I had gotten out without having any of my questions insulted or dismissed, my original perception of the experience was heavily colored by one of my fellow journalists being informed at one point, “You know, I’ve already said that. I’ve already answered that question.” Listening back to the recording, though, I actually did better than I’d recalled: of the three writers who were there, I was the first to get a halfway decent answer out of him, and if I never really hit any out of the park, at least none of my questions resulted in a full-fledged swing and a miss. Still, if there’s such a thing as a badge of courage for TV critics, I feel as though one should be sent my way post-haste.

Least successful one-on-one interview: Mike Tyson, “Taking on Tyson” (Animal Planet)

When he swaggered into the evening event which was held by the OWN Network but encompassed all members of the Discovery Channel family, I thought, “Okay, I work for a guys’ website: I have to talk to Mike Tyson.” I approached him and asked him a question revolving around how he’s suddenly a media presence again, first with “The Hangover” and now with this new series. Before he could answer, one of his “handlers” ran up and said, “Hey, Mike, I found ya some food!” At this, Tyson grabbed himself something to eat and walked away, my question unanswered.

Later in the evening, it had become de rigueur to go up to Tyson and ask if he’d be willing to let you take your picture with him. I restrained myself at first, but then I finally decided, “Well, maybe I’ll just try again with my question, then someone can take a picture of me while I’m talking to him.” So I approached him once more and said, “Hey, Mike, can I ask you a quick question about the new show?” He glanced at me…and said, “Nah.” No less than 10 seconds later, he was taking more photos with people. That’s what I get for trying to work.

My 7 Favorite Cheap Thrills of the Tour:

1. Meeting the Fonz. Yeah, I know, Henry Winkler hasn’t been the Fonz in decades, but he’ll always be the Fonz to me. I’m thrilled for him, though, that the work offers are coming in fast and furious: he was at the tour as a cast member for both Adult Swim’s “Childrens Hospital” and USA’s “Royal Pains.”

2. Breathing the same air as Oprah. I’m pretty sure this means I’ll never get cancer!

3. Calling Elijah Wood on fucking up my shopping at Amoeba Music last tour. Wood was at the Fox party to promote his new FX series, “Wilfred,” and when I found a chance to chat with him, I said, “First, I’ve got a photo I want to show you.” I broke out my iPhone and showed him a shot I’d taken of him at the turntable at Amoeba. “Oh, yeah,” he said, “I was DJ’ing that day!” “Yeah,” I replied, “and you were also totally blocking the bargain bin. I only get there once, maybe twice a year, dude. That totally sucked.” He laughed, but he still looked appropriate chagrined, and he apologized. Given how much of a music geek he is, I think he probably even meant it.

4. Interviewing Paris Hilton. What can I tell you? She’s hot.

5. Successfully asking Jerry Rice a question about football, despite the fact that I don’t know anything about football, let alone Jerry Rice. Let it never be said that I’m not up for a challenge.

6. Spending 20 minutes with Bruce Jenner talking about nothing but his acting gigs from the late ’70s and early ’80s. I don’t keep up with the Kardashians and don’t plan to start anytime soon, but I do enjoy the chance to ask people about projects that they haven’t been given the chance to talk about in awhile. And that is why I have 20 minutes of anecdotes from Jenner about serving as a defacto replacement for Erik Estrada on “CHiPs” for several episodes, working with Harry Belafonte, LeVar Burton, and Dennis Haysbert on “Grambling’s White Tiger,” and, of course, all the dirt he cared to dish on the experience of working with Valerie Perrine and the Village People on “Can’t Stop the Music.” The only time his family’s TV series came up was when one of his daughters called to tell him that they’d won the People’s Choice Award for Guilty Pleasure…and it didn’t even occur to me to ask which daughter!

7. Just being in the same room with Jeff Bridges. How could this not be on here? He’s The Dude, for God’s sake.

Most awesome visit to the set of a network show: “Parks & Recreation” (NBC)

I admit that it took me a little while to get past my general indifference to the first season of this show, but having devoured the Season 2 set and quickly moved on to the six episodes of Season 3 that were sent out to critics in advance of the tour, I was psyched when I heard that we’d be visiting the nerve center of the Pawnee government. I was bummed that Chris Pratt wasn’t in attendance, but I was part of the group which was toured around the set by Adam Scott and Michael Schur and given up close looks at the offices of Lesley Knope and Ron Swanson, along with some of Pawnee’s most (in)famous murals. Plus, I…well, at the moment, if I told you that I had my picture taken with Li’l Sebastian, it wouldn’t mean anything to you, but I promise you that when the time comes for the episode revolving around the Harvest Festival, you’ll be all, like, “He got his picture taken with Li’l Sebastian! Sweet! That dude is awesome!” Or, at least, that’s what Tom Haverford would say, anyway.

Most awesome visit to the set of a basic cable show: “Conan,” TBS

I guess “awesome” might be overdoing it a bit, but I’m a big Conan fan, so it was just cool to be able to check out the set. Unsurprisingly, Conan himself – flanked by longtime pal and producer Jeff Ross – had lots of funny stuff to say, much of it self-deprecating. But, then, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

Best piece of swag: If you were to ask my daughter, it’d probably be the game of Jenga that was offered up during Fox’s “Raising Hope” breakfast, which, although she’d never played it before I brought it home, has taken to it like a duck to water. Frankly, I thought she’d like the Mickey Mouse ears with her name embroidered on it more. Just goes to show that fathers don’t know the first thing about their daughters. For my part, it would’ve been the Greendale Community College shirt, except that it was a large rather than the XXL that I’d need to ever wear it in public. (Note to network publicity departments: given that you’re dealing with a group of individuals who spend the majority of their day sitting in front of their television sets, it wouldn’t be the craziest idea in the world to upgrade the sizes you send out. I’ve been a member of the TCA since 2007, and I think I’ve been able to fit into maybe two of the 50+ promotional shirts I’ve gotten in that time. On the other hand, my daughter has a lot of really awesome nightshirts.) In the end, though, I’ve got to go with the bloody bathmat left in front of the tub for us by Fearnet. Thank God I was given advance warning that it was waiting in the room for me…

Best off-site visit that wasn’t connected to the tour: to The Vanguard for the taping of two episodes of “The Green Room with Paul Provenza.”

At the end of 2010, I pulled together a piece which featured my favorite quotes of the year. After doing so, I sent the link to all of my interview subjects who were on Facebook, thanking them for being a part of the piece and wishing us both the best in 2011. Paul Provenza immediately wrote back, saying, “Thank you! Let’s do other stuff.” A few days later, I received an invite to attend tapings for the second season of his Showtime series, and since the dates happened to be in the heart of the TCA tour, I took him up on his kind offer, bringing my friends Christine Becknell and Eric Field with me.

What an incredible evening: free food, an open bar (I don’t mind telling you that the Newcastle was going down smoooooooth), and some seriously funny people, including Lewis Black, Ron White, Kathleen Madigan, Jamie Kilstein, Richard Lewis, Margaret Cho, Jeffrey Ross, and Kumail Nanjiani. Other comedians, including Rick Overton, Doug Stanhope, and David Feldman, were in the house, as were Sugar Ray Leonard and Ron Jeremy.

I think my personal favorite one-liner came when Ron White denied being an alcoholic, explaining, “I only drink when I work,” then adding, “But I am a workaholic.” What I’ll inevitably remember most, though. All in all, though, it’s hard to top Ron Jeremy repeatedly falling asleep during the taping of the second episode. Like that wouldn’t be embarrassing enough, but the poor bastard did it directly in front of Jeffrey Ross, who ripped him to shreds every time he caught him. (“Hey, look, Ron Jeremy must have an erection! He’s passed out from all of the blood rushing to his cock!”) Good times, to be sure.

Most awesome live performance of the tour: David Foster, promoting “Great Performances: Hitman Returns – David Foster and Friends” for PBS.

PBS really did right by us on this tour. For the first of their two evening events, they provided us with a performance from Harry Connick, Jr., who blew the roof off the joint in suitably jazzy fashion. Ultimately, though, he couldn’t hold a candle to David Foster, who opened with the love theme from “St. Elmo’s Fire,” followed with a medley of his biggest hits, along with clarification as to which of his ex-wives owned the rights to them, and then brought out a couple of friends to join in the fun. Although Charice – you may recall her from her appearance on “Glee” – knocked Eric Carmen’s “All By Myself” out of the park, she still couldn’t defeat Donna Summer, who minutes earlier had turned the Langham into a discotheque with a breathtaking rendition of one of her signature songs, “Last Dance.” Damn, that woman’s still got some pipes!

Best party: Fox

It’s so weird: during the summer, it feels like Fox goes out of their way to put us in the loudest, most distracting environment possible (the amusement park on the Santa Monica pier), thereby making it almost impossible to conduct decent interviews. This is the second winter tour, however, where they’ve rented out Villa Sorriso for their evening function. Why can’t they do that in the summer, too? Sure, it’s crowded, but it’s a hell of a lot more conducive to conversation. Plus, they’re not afraid to offer up 12-year-old Macallan’s, which, as it turns out, is pretty damned conducive to conversation, too.

Most pleasantly surprising party: Hallmark Channel

I know the cool kids can’t in good conscience admit to watching either the Hallmark Channel or its sister movie network, but I don’t mind telling you that they know how to throw a classy party. It was a sit-down affair – the only one of the tour – where the food was delicious and the wine only stopped flowing when we walked out the door, at which point we were handed a bottle of Brut champagne as a parting gift!

Worst party: ABC / CBS (tie)

I understand that the networks don’t feel the need to go quite as all-out with their winter tour functions as they do during the summer, but the ABC and CBS network families took cost-cutting to a depressing low. Okay, I understand why ABC would only offer up talent from their mid-season shows, but given that most TCA members only get out to the west coast twice a year, it was depressing not to have the chance to interview cast members from their other series. Meanwhile, CBS didn’t even have a party. Well, not really, anyway. Instead, it was all, like, “Oh, hey, we sent home everybody who was here to promote their new CBS and Showtime series, but here are the people who were just onstage for the panels for The CW, so stand in the lobby and ask them questions!” Yeah, but…they were just onstage. Oh, well, at least it gave me the chance to have a pleasant conversation with Sara Rue, right?

Oh, wait, I forgot…

Most annoying moment of the tour: having Sara Rue’s personal publicist start tapping her watch at about 90 seconds into my attempt to interview her client.

I love Sara Rue. I think she’s as cute as can be, I’ve thought so ever since she was starring in ABC’s “Less Than Perfect,” and her guest appearances on three different CBS comedies (“Two and a Half Men,” “The Big Bang Theory,” and “Rules of Engagement”) have only cemented my appreciation of her work as a comedic actress. As such, you can understand why I gravitated toward her during The CW’s post-panel cocktail party in an attempt to grab a brief one-on-one interview with her about her new gig as the host of “Shedding for the Wedding.” The good news: Ms. Rue herself was as sweet as could be. In fact, from what I can tell, her only real fault would seem to be her taste in personal publicists.

The publicist was standing outside of Rue’s line of vision when the tapfest began. Frankly, since I was focused on my interview subject, I only half-realized what I was seeing at first. In fact, I pretty much convinced myself that it couldn’t have been what I was seeing, and I kept right on with another question. About 30 seconds later, however, the tapping resumed, this time more furiously and now accompanied by a look which hovered between annoyance and anger. Having little choice in the matter, I wrapped the interview and thanked Rue, who seemed to have enjoyed our short time together, but my plans to do a full-length piece offering a look at “Shedding for the Wedding” as well as an exploration of Rue’s earlier career had been shot all to hell.

What happened? Best guess: the publicist didn’t know me, wasn’t familiar with Bullz-Eye, and only gave me the time she did because she was in a room filled with CW executives and couldn’t get away with refusing me altogether. Next TCA tour, though, I’m thinking about wearing a t-shirt to all press events which reads, “Just because you don’t know me doesn’t mean I suck.”

Okay, last time I ended on my most annoying moment of the tour, and it felt woefully anticlimactic, so this time I’m going to end with a few laughs and offer up…

The Top 11 Quotes from the TCA Tour (one for each day of the tour):

1. “I got a little bit nervous when they told me that I had to be speaking in front of TV critics. I knew I was coming here to share time at PBS, but all of a sudden it’s, like, ‘The room is going to be full of TV critics.’ Great: all my life dealing with food critics one by one, and now I’m going to have to be dealing with an entire room of TV critics…?” – Jose Andres, “Made in Spain” (PBS)

2. “What is this Betty White business? This is silly. Really, it is very silly. You’ve had such an overdose of me lately. Trust me. I think I’m going to go away for a while. It’s hard for me to say no to a job because you spend your career thinking if you say no, they’ll never ask you again, and if you don’t take the job, you know, that may be the end of it, but my mother taught me to say no when I was a girl, but that wasn’t about show business. So the result is I’m trying to cut down. I really am.” – Betty White, “Hot in Cleveland” (TV Land)

3. “Betty White is in the building. Did you hear that? I hope I get to touch her. I just had cataracts, and I’m still adjusting, but what I see is looking pretty good.” – Ed Asner, “Working Class” (CMT)

4. “The one note we did get (for ‘Children’s Hospital’), it was from Warner Brothers…I hesitate to even tell you this, but when we turned in our first script for the web series, Warner Brothers called us up and said, ‘Um, do you think you could cut the shot where we actually see the Twin Towers burning?’ And we were like, ‘Yeah, do you know what? That’s a great note.’” – Rob Corddry, “Children’s Hospital” (Adult Swim)

5. “My opinion don’t mean nothing. I’m here to talk about pigeons and stuff. Anything other than that, I’m a schmuck.” – Mike Tyson, “Taking on Tyson” (Animal Planet)

6. “If Oprah would have asked me to ride a unicycle naked and backwards at night, I would have asked her, ‘Where do I sign up?’ It’s Oprah.” – Mark Burnett, Your OWN Show (OWN)

7. “I wanted to be a substitute for Joan Lunden. And the agent at the time told me there weren’t going to be any more black people on network television. He said, ‘They’ve already got Bryant Gumbel.’ And I said, ‘But that’s another channel.’ And he said, ‘No, no. They’ve already got Bryant Gumbel. That’s not going to happen.'” – Oprah Winfrey, Owner of OWN

8. “I think the expectation that women be attractive as well as funny has just always been there. We even need attractive news anchors who are telling us about death and destruction and they still need to be pretty. I don’t know why it is. Some sociobiological level. We need to look at females and think, ‘I would hit that.’ I think that the gentlemen may need it.” – Julie Bowen, “Modern Family” (ABC)

9. Q: Are you going to have to put Steve on a five second delay on (’American Idol’)?
Steven Tyler: Fuck, no. (Pauses) I question whether I should have done that just now.

10. “‘The Good Wife’ was always meant ironically. I think it’s actually very descriptive. I think the comment I made was it would have been nice to be ironic and call it ‘The Sexy Wife’ or ‘The Sexy Wife Whose Husband Goes Down On Her’ or something like that. That might have brought in more people.” – Robert King, “The Good Wife” (CBS)

11. “Do you guys ask questions for a profession? You’re pretty good. You don’t look like much as a group, but…good questions.” – Steve Young, “Year of the Quarterback” (ESPN)

And, baby, I have hit it.

When I woke up on the morning of Day 10 of the tour, I had a headache. It was the first time I’d had one since arriving in Pasadena, and, of course, I took it for what it was: a sign that both my body and mind were ready to return to Virginia. Little did I realize that it was really more of a portent of the evil that would cross my path on this day…but we’ll get to that. With a job to do, I popped a couple of Motrin, swigged some coffee, and entered into the day’s panels, which consisted of shows from the CBS family of networks, which includes, of course, CBS (“Chaos,” “Mad Love,” “The Good Wife”), but also Showtime (“The Borgias,” “Shameless,” “Californication,” “Episodes”) and The CW (“Shedding for the Wedding”). There were also executive sessions for the various networks, as well as one for the “Kick Ass Women of The CW,” featuring stars from “Hellcats,” “The Vampire Diaries,” “Nikita,” and “Smallville.”

Looking at the talent list for the various panels, there were certainly people I wanted to chat with, but I’ve always had trouble picking up interviews for Showtime series, a fact which all but killed my chances with many of the most interesting actors in attendance, including Jeremy Irons, William H. Macy, David Duchovny, and Matt LeBlanc. Heck, I couldn’t even pull a one-on-one with Colm Feore, although I did end up chatting with him later in the evening while pretending to be Canadian. (Don’t ask.) But I did at least make it into post-panel scrums for Irons, Macy, and the ever-gorgeous Carla Gugino, so there’s that, at least. And amongst the cast of CBS’s “Mad Love” is the always amiable Tyler Labine, who I’ve been interviewing at TCA since my first tour, when “Reaper” debuted, so he and I got in a good one-on-one.

Most of my afternoon, however, was spent in a funk. Maybe it’s because I’d hit the wall, but I found myself getting progressively grumpier about the way various actors’ personal publicists were acting. One assured me that I could do a walk-and-talk with their client, who was in a rush to get to another appointment, only to promise the same thing to another writer moments later and leave me in the dust. Another deigned to let me do a one-on-one with her client, then – outside of her client’s line of vision – starting tapping her watch ferociously before I’d even had two minutes of conversation. (This was particularly infuriating because the writers before and after me had neither a time limit nor been “chaperoned” during their interviews.) It was also a major bummer that the evening event was an hour-long cocktail party where the attendees were limited to the shows on The CW which were represented on the network’s panels.

Despite my relatively grouchy attitude throughout the day, there were still some highlights on the panels that are worth mentioning, so here they are…

1. Q: Given Charlie Sheen’s antics over the weekend, how would you characterize your level of concern about him, and what is the network doing to help him?
Nina Tassler (with all due sarcasm): Well, I really didn’t expect that question this morning. So I’m just…I’m really taken by surprise. Look, obviously, we’ve thought, and I personally have thought, a lot about this, and we have a high level of concern. How could we not? But I have to speak to this personally first. On a very basic, human level, concern, of course. This man is a father. He’s got children. He has a family. So, obviously, there’s concern on a personal level. But you can’t look at it simplistically. Charlie is a professional. He comes to work. He does his job extremely well. We are taping tonight, and it’s…it’s very complicated, but we have a very good relationship with Warner Bros. I have a tremendous trust and respect in the way they are managing the situation. So, on a personal level, obviously concerned. On a professional level, he does his job, he does it well, the show is a hit, and…that’s really all I have to say.

2. Question: Jason, what about your character (in “Mad Love”)?
Jason Biggs: Without giving too much away, obviously, I have sex with a sheet cake in the second episode.
Sarah Chalke: We weren’t going to reveal that!
Judy Greer: Way to go.
Jason Biggs: I don’t know if that’s a spoiler alert. Sorry, guys.
Judy Greer: That’s the cake we used for what’s her name’s birthday? Just kidding.
Jason Biggs: Yes. Yes, it was.
Judy Greer: I had a piece of that!
Jason Biggs: No. There are some situations. I wouldn’t say they are exactly, you know, akin to some of the I mean, let’s be honest. Those were very R rated, and some pushing NC 17 scenarios.
Matt Tarses: He loses his pants in Staten Island.
Jason Biggs: But I do lose my pants in Staten Island. So you do see me pantsless, which I think is what my fans demand of me in general and but yeah, there are some I mean, Matt has written, for all of us, some kinds of crazy situations. I mean, it’s inherent to this format, I think, is to create situations that are quite comical and kind of crazy. And for someone who can the person that does it right, they are funny, but they are also grounded in reality somehow, and they are with characters that you like and all that good stuff. And I feel like that’s what’s happening here. So, among those situations, which I believe there are some in every episode, one of them I lose my pants in Staten Island. The other one I have sex with a sheet cake.

3. Q: Freddy, describe what happens when you read a script that says, “Next, Rick eats a scorpion.” What was that like? And when you filmed it…I’m sure you didn’t eat a scorpion, but whatever you were holding…
Freddy Rodriquez: How are you so sure?
Q: It looked realistic. You were holding something that was wiggly and scary. Just describe what it was like when you heard you were going to do it and what it was like to do that scene.
Freddy Rodriquez: Well, to be honest, I wasn’t sure what it was going to be when I got there. And when I got there, if you remember, Tom…
Tom Spezialy: Oh, I remember.

Freddy Rodriguez: …it was a real scorpion. I had a slight anxiety attack, to be honest, right? And then I got over it. And then I asked Brett Ratner to hold it. I would do it if he would hold it, and he refused, and we had an exchange. And after a while I got over it, and it was fun. I mean, when I read the script, there were so many great things that my character was doing in the pilot that I had to be involved even if it had to do with holding a scorpion. It was a real scorpion. I think they put Krazy Glue on the stinger, (but), yeah, it was real.
Q: What does it look like to see that thing wiggling in front of your eyes?
Freddy Rodriguez: Scary. It’s scary.
Tom Spezialy: It peed on him.
Freddy Rodriguez: Oh, yeah, it did. At one point in the night, it just…I didn’t enjoy the experience…it started peeing on me. And I didn’t know what it was. I just thought it was, like, spraying me with some sort of poison or…I wasn’t sure what it was, but it was urine.
Eric Close: Are you sure it was urine?
Freddy Rodriguez: Yeah, it was urine. Gave me golden sunshine, I guess.

4. “Thank you for coming out, and thank you for showing the interest in the show. Michelle (King’s) and my moms keep sending us emails linking to great complimentary articles and reviews of (‘The Good Wife’). So we’re very aware of what support we get from the critical community…and our moms are very aware of it, too.” – Robert King, “The Good Wife” (CBS)

5. “I wouldn’t say they (CBS) ever ask us to make things more morally clear. I mean, sometimes cases need to be made clear. And in terms of what we can do on broadcast versus cable, I think we can pretty much do it all except say ‘fuck.’” – Michelle King, “The Good Wife” (CBS)

6. “(The title) ‘The Good Wife’ was always meant ironically. I think it’s actually very descriptive. I think the comment I made was it would have been nice to be ironic and call it ‘The Sexy Wife’ or ‘The Sexy Wife Whose Husband Goes Down On Her’ or something like that. That might have brought in more people.” – Robert King, “The Good Wife” (CBS)

7. I read something about Pope John the Pope John Paul, is it, the Polish Pope. And it was from a Catholic theologian who said he wrote, actually, ‘Habet duos testiculos et bene pendentes.’ He said, ‘This man is well hung. That’s why he deserved to be Pope.’ Now, certain things the Vatican will not reveal to all of us, but there is a chair, apparently, a Porphyry Chair, with a large circular hole in it to so these examinations can be made. Now, many people will deny that, but I’ve read I read reputable historians who says it happens, okay? Perhaps no longer, but then it did.” – Neil Jordan, “The Borgias” (Showtime)

8. “I think (Rodrigo Borgia) is a pretty good guy just doing the best he can. I mean, power corrupts, you know. It was a time quite unlike the time we live in today. There were murders in Rome every night, poisonings most weekends. There was incest here and sodomy there. You know, it was a good old rolling, rollicking society. And if you’ve got to try and run that, which the Pope attempts to do, then, of course, you’ve got to play by some of the games, by some of the rules that society follows. I didn’t judge him at all. I just tried to hang on by the hang onto the position and do what he wanted too. I think it’s up to the audience to say what is good, what is wrong, what is right, and then think how much wonder how much has changed as you look at present day Italy or present day almost anywhere of power. I think there are huge parallels about what people get up to in order to hang on to power and in order to get their way. I don’t think anything has changed, and perhaps those thoughts will go through our minds when we judge these people. I played him. I thought I was quite a good guy. But George Bush probably thought he was quite a good guy, too.” – Jeremy Irons, “The Borgias” (Showtime)

9. “As a director, (‘The Borgias’) is a nightmare because (the actors) all come with the books about their character. ‘Hang on, I didn’t do that. Look, it says here he did this. It says here he did that.’ Stop, please.” – Neil Jordan, “The Borgias” (Showtime)

10. Tom Kapinos: You know, I think we’ve always had great luck, first and foremost, (getting guest stars for ‘Californication.’) But as we go along, it seems we attract more people. You know, we get a lot of calls of, like, ‘So and so would love to do the show.’ This year that didn’t happen. We had to actually go out and aggressively find people. But we had Carla (Gugino), who I told her when we first met that I was a fan for a long time. And I don’t know if she believed me, but that was very true. And it was so awesome to get her. Rob Lowe was a complete accident. We went after him. His agent told us he was unavailable. Then David’s hairstylist somehow made it happen.
Carla Gugino: That’s Hollywood for you.
David Duchovny: It’s a long story, but my hairstylist can make a lot of shit happen.
Tom Kapinos: It’s really more of a hair ninja.

11. “It sure is fun to play someone who is toasted all the time. In my whole career, I feel like I’ve spent a lot of time speaking for the little guy, the disenfranchised. And whether you like it or not at this moment, perhaps in this room, but certainly all across the country, a lot of people are really toasted right now, drunk as skunks, and I speak for them. I am the spokesperson for people who like to start the day with a couple of brewskies.” – William H. Macy, “Shameless” (Showtime)

Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine star as Tucker and Dale, two good ‘ol boys on their way to fix up their newly purchased vacation home in the woods when they cross paths with a group of college students who think they’re serial killers. So when the duo saves one of the students (Katrina Bowden) after she falls into the lake and hits her head on a rock, her friends think that she’s been abducted and being held captive in their cabin. Determined to fight back, the students take turns going after the supposed hunters, but every time they do, they only end up killing themselves instead. From their point of view, it certainly looks like Tucker and Dale are responsible for the bloody mayhem, but the two friends are nothing but unlucky – a fact that only becomes clearer when the group’s bloodthirsty leader (Jesse Moss) takes matters into his own hands

“Tucker and Dale vs. Evil” is a movie built around a series of ridiculous coincidences (just like the films it playfully pokes fun at), and while it may seem a bit far-fetched at times, it’s all part of the experience. Writer/director Eli Craig is obviously a big fan of the genre, because he knows which strings to pull and how to pull them. He’s crafted some pretty memorable death scenes that, despite causing fits of laughter, don’t skimp on the bloody details either. There’s plenty of gooey viscera splattered throughout the film, but its strengths lie in Craig’s script – particularly the exchanges between its title characters as they ponder the reason why these students would be killing themselves.

For as funny as the script may be, however, there would be no “Tucker and Dale” without Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine, who have such great onscreen chemistry that you wouldn’t mind them starring in every movie together. Labine ends up playing a much larger role than his co-star due to a romantic subplot between him and Katrina Bowden, but Tudyk arguably gets the better material, including one scene no doubt inspired by “Fargo.” If only the actors playing the college students were even remotely as good. Granted, most of them are nothing more than stupid bait, but Jesse Moss plays such a pivotal role that his over-the-top performance is distracting. It’s the only element that doesn’t work as well as the others, but even though “Tucker and Dale vs. Evil” is a mostly one-joke affair, it finds ways to keep you laughing even when it’s not at its best.

Most enjoyable panel by a broadcast network: “Great Performances: Macbeth,” PBS.

I’ll freely admit that I was predisposed to enjoy the panel due to the fact that it featured the newly-knighted Sir Patrick Stewart, but I spoke to others afterwards who declared it to have been the best panel of the tour up to that point. Partial credit for the success goes to the critics in the audience, who consistently offered up intelligent questions about the subject matter at hand…and let me assure you that this is not always the case. Even on an occasion when an attempt at going in a unique direction fell flat, such as when one writer asked Stewart if he was familiar with FX’s “Sons of Anarchy” (it’s been called a Shakespearean saga on motorcycles), it led to the revelation that Ron Perlman has played an interesting place in Stewart’s life. “I was having dinner with Ron Perlman the day that I was offered Jean-Luc Picard in ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation,’” he said, ‘so I have always looked on Ron as being a lucky omen. So you mentioning his name today, I hope, means that the rest of the day is going to be brighter than it begin.” At the very least, Sir Patrick’s remarks during the panel brightened mine.

Most interactive panel by a cable network: “The Choir,” BBC America.

Gareth Malone is a man on a mission to bring music to those who may not think that they have an interest in it, creating choirs in various schools in England and helping the youth of today raise their voices in song. We soon discovered that this extended to television critics as well. “In England, everyone knows that when I enter a room, everyone’s going to sing,” Malone began ominously, “so I would like to invite you to leave your Apples and come up onto stage, and we’re going to have a little singsong.” The immediate reaction was less than enthusiastic, with at least one person piping up, “It’s against the bylaws!” Malone would not be denied, however. “It will be very brief,” he assured us. “I’ll be very, very, kind. I promise not to do opera. Honestly, it’s going to be very, very gentle. I promise. Risk it. There won’t be very much. Typists, abandon your typing!” In the end, he managed to get a couple of dozen of us up there…yes, I was among the huddled masses…to perform a not-as-bad-as-it-could’ve-been chorus of “Barbara Ann.” As there is neither an audio recording nor a YouTube clip to prove otherwise, you may feel free to believe that I personally sounded fantastic.

Best intro to a panel from a cable network: “Dance Your Ass Off,” Oxygen.

All I know about this show is what I’ve learned from watching clips on “The Soup,” but when a panel starts off by having its panelists literally dancing their way down the aisles and onto the stage, at the very least, it gets your attention.

Best stunt by a broadcast network during a panel: In order to keep the rumors in check about Simon Cowell’s reported departure from “American Idol,” the network’s executive session kicked off with Cowell coming onto the stage, announcing that he would be leaving “Idol” in favor of an American version of his hit British series, “The X Factor,” then proceeding to sign the paperwork to seal the deal right in front of us.

You know, I don’t watch “American Idol,” and I probably won’t watch “The X Factor,” either, but I have to admit: watching Simon sign those documents was one of those moments where I felt like I was witnessing TV history in the making. Granted, it’s because people will look back at it as the moment that most of America said, “Oh, man, now the show is really going to suck,” but, hey, it’s still history.

Best question asked during a cable network panel: The panel in question was for Animal Planet’s “Fatal Attractions,” a three-part miniseries which explores why some people are driven to bring dangerous, wild creatures like chimpanzees, big cats, and venomous reptiles right into their homes. The trailer for the program was decidedly disconcerting to just about everyone, I think, but it was Jonathan Storm of the Philadelphia Inquirer – the man who once kicked off a “Kardashians” panel by asking, “Who are you and why should we care about you?” – who got the mike first, and, boy, did he let his feelings show. “Where does this end?” he asked. “Here you have crazy people who take dangerous animals into their homes, and you’re going to present and tell their interesting stories…? Is there a point at which the behavior of the people that you are glorifying in these reality shows becomes so ridiculous that you will refuse to put it on, or is it simply a question of keeping your digital channel and making a little bit of money off of it?” Marjorie Kaplan, the President and General Manager of Animal Planet, looked like she’d had the wind knocked out of her, responding at first only with a flustered “My goodness!” She quickly recovered, however, arguing that “we are not trying to present outrageous things; we are telling stories that happen in the world.” Methinks, however, that Jonathan remained unconvinced.

Most common recurring question during the panels: “What do you think Conan should do?” / “What do you think of Conan’s letter?” Simon’s departure from “American Idol” was one thing, but it couldn’t touch the evolving Conan vs. Jay saga. The anticipation for NBC’s executive session was such that even Showtime’s Bob Greenblatt admitted in his opening remarks, “I’d love to get my temporary TCA card so that I could sit in,” so it was no surprise when Jeff Gaspin, chairman of NBC-Universal Television Entertainment, kicked things off by saying, “I see we have a full house. I heard there were some scalpers outside…”

While it was fun to watch Gaspin squirm (though, in fairness, he held his own pretty well), it became a full-fledged sport to see what kind of comments we could get from others about the late-night fracas, particularly folks on the same network.

* Greg Daniels, producer of “The Office” and “Parks and Recreation,” has been friends with Conan since their days on “The Simpsons,” so it stood to reason that someone would ask if he’d talked to his old buddy. “I spoke to Conan yesterday,” he said, “and he and I agreed that the ‘Parks and Rec’ panel at the TCA would be the most appropriate time and place to announce his plans.” He was kidding, of course…though I swear I heard some exasperated grunts when he admitted as much.

* Jerry Seinfeld was in the house to promote his new production, “The Marriage Ref,” and although he clearly has a long history in stand-up with Leno, I think it still surprised a lot of people when he asked rhetorically, “What did the network do to him? I don’t think anyone is preventing people from watching Conan. There’s no rules. Once they give you the cameras, it’s on you, so I can’t blame NBC for having to move things around.”

* “Oh, I hope to God he stays,” said NBC News’ Brian Williams, when I brought up the subject during the network’s all-star party. “We feel, I think, like east coast Irish-Catholic brothers. We came up and followed prominent people into our jobs and kind of came up at the same time. We talked about it a lot on the air. Conan’s got a great New England, almost blue-collar for a Harvard kid, work ethic. He drives himself hard, and I have just always found us to be kindred spirits. I love his sense of humor.”

* In a press scrum later during the aforementioned party, Chevy Chase – himself a veteran of the talk show wars (albeit one with a decidedly shorter period of service) – was typically outspoken, indicating that Conan was getting the shaft from NBC. “I think he’s too good for ‘The Tonight Show’ in terms of intellect,” he said, “and maybe too bad for it because of that, too. the way I look at it, from where I stand, Conan is getting screwed and it’s because of (NBC’s) long life relationship with Jay. I’m not saying Jay’s screwing him, because I wouldn’t deign to do that. I’m just saying, I don’t think he’s getting much respect, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he were gone. I think he’s too intelligent and too bright and funny and will find whatever he needs to find so he can do his sort of humor.”

A few days later, the shit really hit the fan…and, man, you cannot imagine the electricity that was coursing through the room when Conan dropped his hell-no-we-won’t-go letter bomb. (I swear, Bill Carter of The New York Times was literally glowing.) Bill Lawrence, producer of “Scrubs” and “Cougar Town,” was grinning from ear to ear when he brought it up during the ABC comedy show-runners panel, describing it as “ballsy.”

“I love it, man,” said Lawrence. “It’s just the way that I hoped it would go. What a talented dude, and I’m sure it’s going to lead to good things for him. It made me happy.”

Dude, you’re preaching to the choir.

Most promising new broadcast network program that I didn’t know anything about before going into the tour: “Code 58,” Fox.

In my defense, however, no one knew much about “Code 58” beyond the fact that it was going to star Bradley Whitford and Colin Hanks as an old-school cop and a modern-day detective…and we didn’t even know that much until the panel was being introduced. Even then, the series was presented with a parenthetical reminder that it’s in possession of a working title, which means that we don’t even know for sure that it is going to be called “Code 58.”

Fortunately, in a move reminiscent of NBC’s pre-premiere “Parks and Recreation” panel from the last January tour, Fox opted to pass out the script for the pilot to all attendees. Not only does the script make it seem as though the show has potential, but Whitford and Hanks were on fire during the panel, thanks in no small part to the amount of riffing opportunities provided by Whitford’s new ‘stache. “My growing this mustache,” mused Whitford, “I gotta say, it reminds me of a lot of the work DeNiro did in ‘Raging Bull.’’) Alas, we won’t know ‘til May how the end result will turn out, but my fingers are crossed.

Panelist most prone to talking in circles: Al Pacino, “You Don’t Know Jack” (HBO). When asked if doing an HBO movie felt any different than doing a theatrical release, Pacino replied, “Well, it’s television. It’s HBO, and so HBO is television. And television is you have to do a lot in a short period of time so that’s the difference, the only difference. Otherwise, it’s the same.” Oh, okay.

Then, on the matter of the film’s title, he said, “I don’t think a lot of people know can really say that they know Jack Kevorkian, especially when you get to know him or you get to get his read on things and get to know more about him. When you see the image that was portrayed of Jack Kevorkian during his time, and you get you get a sense of someone quite different than the personality that I got to know. Not that I got to know him personally, mind you, but just to the research I did and the work I did, in order to get closer to who I could sort of interpret. I think the title is apt because you don’t know this guy. And, hopefully, in the movie you still don’t.”

Al, I love you, but sometimes you make my head spin.

Best anecdote(s) during a panel: Louis C.K.

His new FX sitcom, “Louie,” offers a look into the stand-up comedian’s life as a divorced dad, showing both his interactions with his kids and his attempts to reenter the world of dating. During the course of the panel, he proceeded to tell a worst-case scenario situation from each side, and they were both pretty awesome.

On the topic of his worst date, Louis hemmed and hawed at first, explaining that pretty much all of his dates have been pretty bad. “Dating is horrible,” he said. “It’s awful. I don’t get it. It’s just…you’re standing there, going, ‘Hi, do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn’t?’ It’s horrible. And it’s awkward at 42 because I don’t have the body or the drive. I don’t have sex drive. I have sex sit-in-the-car-and-hope-somebody-gets-in. And I’m amongst young people, because most people my age aren’t dating unless there’s something wrong with them…like me.”

Finally, however, he conceded that maybe one of dates did kind of stand out. “I went out with a woman once,” he said, “and I flew her to New York City. I was living in Boston. I said, ‘Hey, I’m not going to tell you where we’re going,’ and I had this romantic image that we would get on the shuttle and go to New York and go to Tavern on the Green and then fly back, but it was just a debacle. The flights were delayed – y’know, security problems – and we got to New York really late, sat in a cab in Queens for about two hours, and Tavern on the Green…you can’t just walk in there. I’m an idiot. We got turned away. And I stand outside Tavern on the Green with her, going, ‘“I’m sorry, I guess I didn’t plan this well,’ and a pigeon shat directly on top of my head. Just a huge amount of shit. White pigeon shit. With black streaks.

“That one,” he admitted, “was pretty bad.”

Insofar as his kids were concerned, Louis focused on a moment with his daughter, and although you’ll soon see that the subject matter was, in general, about as unfunny as it gets, I couldn’t help but laugh, because as the father of a 4-year-old daughter, I’ve had to battle back from similar bouts of speechlessness in order to come up with a halfway intelligent answer to a very serious subject.

“I was on the subway with my daughter,” he said, “and she said to me that her friend in school told her that his grandparents were put in an oven during a war. And, I mean, this is the kind of high wire act parenting is, because you don’t get warned that you’re going to have this conversation. I’m just holding onto a strap, and she says (this), and I was like, ‘What the fuck?’ And she says, ‘Daddy, does that happen? Do people put each other in ovens?’ And what do you say, because you can’t just go, ‘No, your friend’s a liar.’ And you also can’t go, ‘Oh, yeah. That was Hitler, and just,” you know. And you also can’t just go, ‘Yeah, that happens sometimes. You never know. Sometimes somebody will grab you and shove you in an oven.’ So she’s standing there, waiting, and you have to come up with the thing. And what I ended up saying was…like, to me, with my daughter, it’s always the truth. I try to tell her the truth. And so I told her the truth, which was, ‘I don’t know what to say to you about this right now.’ I said, ‘I’m not sure you should know about it. If you really want to know, I’ll tell you.’ I was just buying time while my brain was working behind me. But she said, ‘Yeah, don’t tell me yet.’ She’s smart, but she doesn’t need to know about Hitler yet. She was six years old when this happened. How do you take a kid from Santa Claus to the evil of Hitler and Stalin and all that shit? I don’t know.”

I don’t know, either, of course, but I know that Louis should be very proud of his daughter: not every little girl would allow their father to retain his dignity in such a manner, let alone give him a story that he can use during the TCA tour.

Largest panel that really only needed to consist of two people: “The Pacific,” HBO. Surely the network knew full well that the cast of this upcoming WWII miniseries weren’t going to be asked nearly as many questions as its producers, Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg, but it was a pleasant surprise to find Hanks taking the reins of the panel as often as not. He tackled the first question – about the differences between this program and its predecessor, “Band of Brothers” – with the seriousness it warranted, but when the second question was posed, he began, “If I can be so bold to continue talking and not let anybody else have a moment…”

Spielberg soon managed to find his way into the conversation with some frequency as well, though he and Hanks often slipped into Abbott and Costello mode when trying to determine who was going to get to answer a question.

Tom Hanks: Go ahead.
Steven Spielberg: You go.
Tom Hanks: No, no, no. Go ahead, because I’ll pontificate for an hour and a half. I’m going to sound like Ricky Gervais in 20 minutes.
Steven Spielberg: Now I can’t follow up, because I was going to get really serious here
Tom Hanks: Oh, please.

When Spielberg cracked a joke about how they maintained their relationship with HBO because the network gave them a lot of money, Hanks added, “I’m going to assume that all you cracked members of the fourth estate can appreciate sarcasm when it comes your way.” With that assumption made, he then later claimed that the network had approached them about continuing their collaboration by saying, “We are more successful, we make more money than all the commercial networks combined, we’ve got $250 million to blow. Do you want to do anything with it?”

Eventually, fellow producer Gary Goetzman acknowledged that he and his fellow panelists knew their place in the proceedings and, as such, weren’t even trying to answer any of the questions. “Why would we?” he asked. “We’ve got Steven and Tom!”

Best opening line from any interview that I did during the tour: Jonathan Demme. I opened by telling him that I was a huge fan of his Robyn Hitchcock concert film, “Storefront Hitchcock.” His reply: “I love you very much.”

Best one-on-one interview with a fabricated American: Warren the Ape. I hope to talk to him at greater length before his new MTV series premieres, but in the meantime, I’ll always have these moments to treasure.

Best one-on-one interview with a human: Patrick Stewart. And, believe me, no other human even comes close.

We were originally only supposed to chat for ten minutes, but when his publicist came back to check on us at the 10-minute mark, we’d talked solely about Shakespeare, so I asked if I could ask him a couple of questions about his work in comedy. The next thing I knew, I’d virtually doubled my interview time and was left reeling from the fact that not only he was telling me about how much he enjoyed the “Phil McCracken, Scottish Therapist” sketch he’d done on “Saturday Night Live,” he’d actually launched into the character for a line or two.

It’s a testament to Stewart’s career that it wasn’t until I stood up to leave that I finally managed to mention “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” Turns out we both have the same favorite episode: “The Inner Light.” You know, I knew there was a reason I liked that guy…

Most unnecessary event by a cable network: TV Guide Network’s “‘Curb’ Your Appetite” Luncheon, which the network staged mostly to let critics know that they’d soon be running “Curb Your Enthusiasm” reruns, throwing in a reminder about their then-upcoming Golden Globes coverage. Yes, it was nice to see Cheryl Hines, and her remarks about the experience of working with Larry David were entertaining enough, but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one who beat a hasty retreat as soon as they’d finished their meal. I kind of wanted to talk to Hines for a minute, but it wasn’t worth having to feign interest in chatting with the network’s red-carpet regulars, Carrie Ann Inaba and Chris Harrison.

Best party by a cable network: the Discovery Networks’ 25th anniversary reception.

Even though there isn’t a single 100%absolute-must-see series for me anywhere within the Discovery family of networks, there was just way too much going on at this function for me to give the award to anyone else. There was barbeque and ribs from the guys from “BBQ Pitmasters,” cupcakes from the “Cake Boss,” and a huge cast of characters from the various series, including Ed Begley, Jr., Bill Nye, Stacey and Clinton from “What Not to Wear,” the Little Couple, and – courtesy of Animal Planet, of course – a baby giraffe who was quite happy to accept some leaves or even a pat on the nose.

On a side note, this was also the event which found me witnessing one of the funniest moments of the tour, but I’d feel guilty if I called out the person who was involved, as she’s such a complete sweetheart. As such, I will only say this: if you’re about to approach someone who you think is Adam Savage from “Mythbusters” but not you’re not 100% sure it’s them, be sure to lead by asking, “Are you the guy from ‘Mythbusters’?” Because if it turns out they’re actually Mikey from “American Chopper,” it could be really embarrassing.

The party by a broadcast network that I was clearly supposed to think was awesome, even though I was personally only “meh” to it: CBS’s gala to celebrate the 10th anniversary of “Survivor.”

I am assured by the network’s press release that it was the largest gathering of former “Survivor” contestants ever, but if I’m to be honest, I’ve only ever watched one episode of the show (the season finale of the first season), and the only person I had any real interest in meeting – Rudy Boesch – is from my area, anyway, so it’s not like I had to fly to California to accomplish that. Still, I did remember a buddy of mine telling me that Jonny Fairplay from Season 7 was from Danville, VA, where I went to college, so I approached him and told him that I’d attended Averett University. He replied, “Oh, so you paid too much for your education, huh?” He then proceeded to reply to my request for a photo with the following pose:

That’s right, Jonny, keep it classy. You’ve got a reputation to keep up, after all.

Best all-star party by a broadcast network: Fox. You know how you can tell Fox is #1? The open bar at their all-star party offered 18-year-old Scotch.

I wasn’t the only one impressed by this, either: by evening’s end, I was getting tips on the proper way to drink the beverage by Tyler Labine (soon to be starring in “Sons of Tucson”), a scenario made even more surreal by the fact that he was imparting me with this wisdom with Tim Roth sitting next to him. I’ve been led to understand that I might’ve been less impressed with the festivities if my goal had been to talk to the kids from “Glee,” since most of them were apparently in possession of personal publicists who were trying to shield them from conversations lasting longer than 60 seconds. Personally, though, I had a blast.

Best cocktail party by a broadcast network: CBS. I might’ve been indifferent to the “Survivor” function, but CBS really came through for me by kicking off the first night of the tour with “Drinks with the DiNozzos,” an “NCIS”-themed cocktail soiree which served to spotlight the then-upcoming 150th episode of the series.

The pluralization of Michael Weatherly’s character’s last name was due to the appearance of the man who played Tony’s father in the episode: Robert Wagner. As someone who grew up worshiping at the altar of “Hart to Hart,” just being able to meet RJ – it’s totally cool to call him that, btw – was enough of a thrill for me, but as ever, it was wonderful to once again see my photo buddy, Pauley Perrette, who remains one of the sweetest people I’ve met during the course of my TCA tour experiences. I also had the opportunity to speak with Cote de Pablo (Ziva) for a few minutes, as well as to ask executive producer Shane Brennan about the challenges of making southern California look like the Hampton Roads area of Virginia, but the best bit definitely came when I was chatting with Wagner and Weatherly together.

When I told Weatherly that I hailed from Norfolk, he said, “I might’ve told you this one before, Will, but…hey, RJ, I’ve got a joke for you.” He then launched into a joke which, rather than relate in full, I’ll just tell you that the punchline was, indeed, “Norfolk, Virginia,” with the second half of “Norfolk” pronounced with a decidedly obscene inflection. We all had a good laugh, I turned off my recorder, and as the conversation closed, Wagner and Weatherly decided to work out their golf plans for the next day.

“Now,” said Wagner, “you should go home to your wife.”

“What are you going to do, RJ?” asked Weatherly…and RJ, with a perfectly deadpan expression, told him rather explicitly what he was planning to go do. Immediately after doing so, however, he adopted a horrified look, and I watched his eyes move from Weatherly down to my recorder.

“Oh, no, don’t worry,” I said. “I turned that off back at ‘Norfolk, Virginia.'”

RJ roared with laughter and clapped me on the shoulder. “You’re a good man,” he said, then strolled off to, I can only presume, do exactly what he’d said he was going to do, the lucky bastard.

I should add that, while this was the first thing that I attended after arriving in Pasadena, it wasn’t the first event of the tour. It was actually the third. I’d planned to attend all three, but…well, therein lies a tale.

Biggest disappointment of the tour: missing the opportunity to visit the sets of ABC’s “FlashForward” and NBC’s “Community.” Since I live in Virginia and don’t always have the opportunities afforded by my L.A.-based peers, I’m always excited by the prospect of a visit to the set of a TV show. The idea of hitting the “FlashForward” set was intriguing, given that the show’s had some turmoil, but since I’d declared “Community” to be my favorite new series of the 2009 fall season, I was really psyched at the thought of touring the campus of Greendale Community College. Heck, I’d even checked in with my Facebook friend Yvette Nicole Brown to tell her to keep an eye out for me! As such, when I arrived at the airport in Newport News and got word that my flight was delayed such that I would likely miss my connecting flight in Atlanta, you can probably guess how crestfallen I was. Still, I am a professional, so I sucked it up and only wept openly for about five or ten minutes. Later, one of my peers told me that the cast of “Community” made them laugh ‘til they cried, and I rationalized that I’d been given the opportunity to cut to the chase and avoid all of that time-consuming laughter.

Most awesome visit to the set of a network show: “How I Met Your Mother.” Although it’s tempting to include “Glee,” particularly since both Lea Michelle (Rachel) and Amber Riley (Mercedes) gave us phenomenal performances of “Maybe This Time” and “Don’t Make Me Over,” respectively, I cannot describe the trip to the set of “How I Met Your Mother” as anything but legen…wait for it, and I hope you’re not lactose-intolerant…dary. Not only we were treated to breakfast while sitting in McClaren’s (or, at least, on the set of it, anyway), but we were witness to the cast’s table read for an upcoming episode (“Hooked”), and although Carrie Underwood was unavailable to read her part (she plays Ted’s new girlfriend), Bob Saget turned up to read his narration in person.

Cheapest thrill of the tour: shaking hands with Alyson Hannigan after the “How I Met Your Mother” table read.

I’ve always been a sucker for a redhead, but, c’mon, this is a redhead who manages to be both cute as a button and sexy as hell…which is, for the record, why she’s one of very few actresses who could successfully play a kindergarten teacher who loves porn.

I was so caught up in my enjoyment of the table read…seriously, it’s one of the funniest episode this season…that I managed to resist blatantly staring at her, but when things wrapped up, even though we were being hustled back to the bus, I couldn’t resist going up to her to shake her hand, thank her, and tell her that I’d had a great time. I realize I’m reading between the lines here, since all she did was smile and say, “Oh, thanks,” but I’m pretty sure it was good for her, too.

Coolest moment of the tour that had to be seen to be appreciated: Chevy Chase doing a double-take when he turned around to do an interview with me.

Most awesome live performance of the tour: Nope, it’s not the “Glee” kids here, either. It’s Mary Chapin Carpenter, who turned up to help hype PBS’s upcoming airing of Rounder Records’ 40th Anniversary Concert.

Like the majority of her fans, I came aboard with the release of Come On Come On, so the fact that she opened with “The Hard Way” and closed with “Passionate Kisses” was enough to make the evening worthwhile for me, but he also threw in some songs from her more recent records, along with two tracks from a forthcoming release that were good enough to make me want to pre-order it the moment the house lights came up.

Best off-site visit that was in no way connected to the tour: Pie ‘n’ Burger. I can’t vouch for any other items on the menu, but if the goal of this Pasadena institution was to name themselves after two things that they make spectacularly well, then, by God, they succeeded in spades.

I actually ended up hitting this fabled joint on two occasions – first with one of my closest friends and her beau, then again with some of my compatriots from Popdose.com when, even after a delicious and filling Mexican dinner, my description of the pie proved far too tempting a lure to resist – but it was my initial trip which resulted in concrete proof that I can’t escape from the TCA even when I try.

Within five minutes of sitting down for a well-done cheeseburger and a piece of coconut meringue pie, Jorge Garcia, a.k.a. Hurley from “Lost,” strolled in. Guess I wasn’t the only one who was disappointed by ABC’s decision to take a pass on offering an evening event. Fortunately, we both found solace at the Pie ‘N’ Burger.

Best in-joke amongst a small handful of TCA members: Zombie Harry Chapin. There is very possibly no way to make this funny to anyone who either wasn’t part of the original conversation or doesn’t enjoy zombie humor, but I’ll give it a shot.

It all started with someone in the midst of the panel / performance for PBS’s “Rounder Records 40th Anniversary Concert” forgetting the name of the actual performer, Mary Chapin Carpenter, and asking if it was Harry Chapin playing. After explaining that Harry Chapin had been dead for almost 30 years, someone began to riff on the idea that we would soon be seeing a rare concert appearance by none other than Zombie Harry Chapin. Soon, we began to consider ZHC’s possible between-song patter (“Here… another… song… about… brains…”), and by the time the Golden Globes had rolled around, we were imagining how he might accept his award. (“Zombie… Harry… Chapin… not… know… where… to… begin…”).

Rather than ending with the tour, this strange one-note joke has since expanded to include a Facebook presence (Zombie Harry Chapin – Official Fan Group), and with the recent announcement that AMC has greenlit a pilot based on Robert Kirkland’s zombie comic, “The Walking Dead,” I have every reason to believe that Zombie Harry Chapin is poised for global domination…but, then, what else would you expect a zombie to do?

Funniest case of mistaken identity than was funnier to me than the other person involved: Right before I left, I had a copy of David Bianculli’s new book, “Dangerously Funny: The Uncensored Story of the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour,” sent to me at the hotel, but although it was scheduled to have arrived on the first Monday, it never made it to my room.

I went down to the front desk and asked about it, and they said that, yes, it had arrived, yet no one could seem to figure out where it had gone. I said, “Well, it’s not in my room, and it’s not in the TCA suite, so I’m pretty sure I can guess where it is.” You see, there’s a suspicious character in the TCA who goes by the name of Bill Harris. He writes for the Toronto Sun and, owing to his encyclopedic knowledge of all things “Simpsons,” he refers to me as “Senor Spielbergo,” since I’m his non-union American equivalent. I told the concierge, “I guarantee it was accidentally delivered to his room.”

Within a few minutes, there came a knock at my hotel room door, and it was a hotel employee holding the book in one hand and the press release and envelope in the other. “You were right, sir,” he said. “It was delivered to him. He wasn’t in his room, so I just went ahead and picked it up. Unfortunately, he’d already opened it. I hope that’s all right.” Stifling a laugh, I thanked him, then sat down and composed an apologetic E-mail to Bill entitled “The Case of the Mysterious Disappearing Book,” explaining that he could request a copy of the book from the publicist. He accepted the apology, but he admitted, “That’s just not nearly as much fun as getting your copy.”

Best trend of the tour: confirming that Facebook has helped me create friendships rather than just fly-by-night encounters. Okay, that sounds dirty, so let me clarify that a little bit. As a work-at-home writer who sits in front of his computer all day, it’s somewhat of a given that I tend to frequent Facebook on a way-too-regular basis, but in order to feel a little less guilty about it, I tend to befriend folks I’ve interviewed, publicists that I regularly deal with, and, of course, my fellow TV critics. As a result, I felt more a part of the TCA tour than ever before, and it was awesome.

Worst trend of the tour: actors with belligerent or just plain rude personal publicists. The problem with complaining about this issue, however, is that you don’t know for sure if the problem is really the publicist. It’s possible that the actor has simply given the publicist specific instructions to be the bad cop. I have heard through the grapevine, however, that the network publicists are generally no more thrilled with the personal publicists than we are. It doesn’t change anything, but, hey, at least we both get someone to commiserate with.

And on that note, allow me to close with…

The If-You-Don’t-Want-To-Be-Here-Then-Why-Don’t-You-Get-The-Hell-Out-Already? Award: Jerry Seinfeld. After offering up an entertaining performance during the panel for NBC’s new reality show, “The Marriage Ref,” on which he’s serving as an executive producer, Jerry decided to take up residence in a little alcove within the area serving as the location of the network’s all-star party. Sounds great, except for one thing: he apparently decided from the get-go that he wasn’t going to be doing any interviews.

When I first spotted him, nestled in his little hideaway, he was having a bit of wine with Chevy Chase, but when Chevy departed to fulfill his own publicity duties, I approached the gentleman hovering on the fringes of Jerry’s private area and, as there were no other writers nearby at the moment, politely asked if I could just ask Jerry two questions. The gentleman said, “I don’t think so, but just a moment.” He leaned over and talked momentarily to a woman who I cannot definitively identify (but who others seemed to think was Seinfeld’s missus), then returned to me and said, “No, I’m afraid not. He’s very tired.”

Really, Jerry? Sorry, but at the risk of maintaining the status quo and never getting an interview, I really feel as though I have to ask: why did you bother to attend the party in the first place? It’s not as though it was held as a social event. It was a working function for the television critics to chat with the cast and producers of NBC-Universal’s new series. If you wanted to have drinks with Chevy, then the least you could’ve done was go somewhere where your presence wasn’t serving solely to taunt the critics with the possibility of an interview that they were never gonna get.

Hear me and hear me well: the day will come…oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld…your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face, and I’ll be there in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!

By the way, I totally stole that last bit from the “Seinfeld” finale, but, oddly enough, I think the sentiment works just fine here, too.