The last day of the cable portion of the tour began with breakfast with the members of the Rainbow Networks: WEtv (“Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best” and “Braxton Family Values”), IFC (“Onion News Network” and “Portlandia”), and AMC (“The Killing”). Shifting ballrooms, we next listened to A&E (“Breakout Kings”) and Lifetime (“Seriously Funny Kids” and “Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy”), but…do you detect a trend here?…we soon moved back to the other ballroom to get the scoop on stuff from Hallmark (“Goodnight for Justice”) and Starz (“Camelot,” “Spartacus: Gods of the Arena,” and “Torchwood: Miracle Day”). Lastly, it was – oh, dear – back to the other ballroom again. This time, however, HBO kept us sitting still for the duration of the afternoon, giving us looks into “Mildred Pierce,” “The Pee-Wee Herman Show on Broadway,” “Cinema Verite,” “Game of Thrones,” “Too Big to Fail,” and “The Sunset Limited.”

My problem, however, was this: I had to keep bowing out of this panel and that in order to participate in various roundtables and one-on-one interviews. Worse, one of the roundtables – stand up, please, Tommy Lee Jones – was shifted from a perfect location on the schedule into a spot which utterly disrupted almost all of the interviews that followed. In the end, though, I did manage to participate in two roundtables for “Game of Thrones,” including one with author George R.R. Martin, I and two other writers sparred with Mr. Jones (surviving the encounter without having any of my questions ridiculed or dismissed outright has earned me some sort of entertainment journalism merit badge, I feel certain), and still managed to chat one-on-one with the too-sweet-for-words Eve Myles (“Torchwood: Miracle Day”) as well as John Hannah and Peter Mensah (“Spartacus: Gods of the Arena”).

The evening event was brought to us by Hallmark, and it took place at the Tournament House…as in the Tournament of Roses…in Pasadena. It was a pleasantly low-key event which began with cocktails and featured a classy sit-down dinner. What I’m saying, basically, is that it was old-school in all the right ways, including familiar TV faces like Doris Roberts, Marion Ross, and Marilu Henner, who regularly found herself holding court about her superior autobiographical memory. I also had an opportunity to sit down and chat with 11-year-old Kiernan Shipka, who plays Sally Draper on “Mad Men.” What a little sweetheart.

Okay, that’s it for the Day 3 wrap-up. Time for your daily dose of my favorite quotes…

1. “I knew that I was doing a lot of plastic surgery, because Melissa, one time, called me when (my grandson) Cooper was four years old and they had ‘Return of the Mummy,’ and he ran to the TV and went, ‘Grandma, Grandma.’ But I think plastic surgery come on, guys. You know. How many people have you interviewed…if you had a stitch for every if you had a dollar for every stitch in the face of someone you’ve interviewed, you wouldn’t be sitting here. You know what I mean? It’s part of our business.” – Joan Rivers, “Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best” (WEtv)

2. “It is literally impossible to be more ridiculous than Fox News or MSNBC. It’s actually impossible. It’s happened multiple times that we’ll be kind of talking and brainstorming a joke in the writers’ room, we’ll get excited about it, and then it’s literally on the FoxNews.com website. So I think we have to kind of embrace that closeness. And the excitement for us is not being a parody of 24-hour news, but we are real news. Those are our competitors in a kind of slightly different world, and I think that believability is also part of what’s exciting about it. We’ve had online cases where, for example, last year there was a case where we published a story about Neil Armstrong now saying that the moon landing was a hoax, and all these papers in Bangladesh picked it up. There was a story about the Make-A-Wish Foundation being bankrupted by a child who wishes for unlimited wishes, which is pretty out there. It went on MySpace, which is kind of the Internet hub for morons, and we got this letter from the Make-A-Wish Foundation that was, like, ‘We’re getting hundreds of e-mails every hour, people who are concerned.’ So how ridiculous those things are, I think, really kind of opens up a lot of doors for us.” – Will Graham, “Onion News Network” (IFC)

3. “Portland is a city that has a lot of self-esteem that’s filled with people with very little self-esteem, so we collectively we gather around a place that we love and that makes us feel good about ourselves. And Portland is full of well-intentioned, kind people that sometimes go to great lengths to be a little mean to let you know that they’re kind. But I love Portland, and I probably couldn’t live anywhere else. Seattle is a wonderful city, but they volley their inferiority and superiority complexes back and forth.” – Carrie Brownstein, “Portlandia” (IFC)

4. “I love the physical comedy bit. Like I love doing all these crazy things. First of all, we have all these different boogers for me to choose from, big boogers, like runny boogers. I’m like, “Yeah. I want the big slimy, nasty booger.” I put the booger in and it gets all put in and then the kids come into my office and I turn around. I pretend I have this cold and they’re like — they’re looking at me and they don’t know what to do.” – Heidi Klum, “Seriously Funny Kids” (Lifetime)

5. “There is something that happens with the cast when you’re away from the vagaries of your own life and in a place as magical as Rome, where every single place that you turn is art. And I had my children there. I home school my kids. They were like, ‘Mom, let’s go to the gelato place behind the Pantheon,’ and they’re saying Pantheon as if it’s the deli. It’s crazy. And then, Robert had a friend who played wonderful violin, musician, in some scenes, that you think about and read about, oh, they used to do that in the ’50s; nobody does that anymore. And you would be there and there was a beautiful artistic life that also we were allowed to be a part of and history that we were allowed to be a part of that just you know, working on location is great and I think that was in our contract. If it’s Bulgaria, no. If it’s Rome, yes.” – Marcia Gay Harden, “Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy” (Lifetime)

6. “I like the ‘Twilight’ series. I like Robert Pattinson. I like Justin Bieber. I don’t know if I have ‘Bieber Fever’ or not. I do like him, but I don’t think I’m crazy over him. I’m more of a ‘Twilight’ person.” – Kiernan Shipka, “Smooch” (Hallmark Channel)

7. “Before we started shooting (‘Camelot’), we had a month of what was officially known as Boot Camp, which, being English and middle-class, I was very, very nervous about doing because we don’t really like to do much physical work.” – Jamie Campbell Bower, “Camelot” (Starz)

8. “I was sitting here, listening to Russell (T. Davies) talk, and I think a lot of sci-fi that I’ve done has been with people with accents. Because I think of Roland Emmerich…and Mel Brooks has kind of an accent. It’s a big spectrum when you think ‘Spaceballs’ and ‘Torchwood’ could fit inside this realm.” – Bill Pullman, “Torchwood: Miracle Day (Starz)

9. “The dark ‘Pee-Wee’ movie probably won’t be happening until things get a little darker. But this movie is going to be more like the traditional. Judd (Apatow) really wanted to do a reality based film that’s very much more like ‘Big Adventure,’ so this is a road picture, is what we’re writing right now. I’ve only got the setup to getting out on the road, and I don’t really know what’s going to happen yet. Although I’ve been greatly influenced by Russ Meyer’s film ‘Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!’ And I think there’s going to probably be some influence there. I think some biker chicks will come in and aid in my getting across the country. That’s what I think right now. That could be different. I can’t guarantee that.” – Pee-Wee Herman, “The Pee-Wee Herman Show on Broadway” (HBO)

10. “It never occurred to me really beyond the moment of actually receiving those five scripts. It just didn’t occur to me, ‘Wow, this is television; therefore, it’s going to be different somehow.’ We have to work in a different way or…you know, sure we had more to shoot, and we had to work a lot faster, but the determination and the level of focus that we all had to have because we were limited was so much more intense, honestly, than certainly any film I’ve been a part of. I mean film, schmilm. I’m telling you, television is so much harder.” – Kate Winslet, “Mildred Pierce” (HBO)

2009 may not have been a spectacular year in cinema, but at least Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer didn’t add to the pile of disappointment with another one of their stupid spoof movies. Unfortunately, they didn’t go away for good, and the best thing that can be said about their new film, “Vampires Suck,” is that it’s not as bad as their previous efforts. At the very least, it’s a lot more focused, using the first two “Twilight” movies as the backbone of the story, almost to the point of copyright infringement. Stephanie Meyer’s teen angst-filled universe is certainly a place that’s ripe for comedy, but Friedberg and Seltzer seem content with just throwing a bunch of lazy, half-baked jokes at the wall and praying that some of them stick.

Most of the jokes fall well short of their mark, but there are a few smirk-worthy moments thanks to stars Jenn Proske and Matt Lanter, both of whom do spot-on impressions of the actors they’re parodying. The film also has a surprisingly high production value compared to the directors’ previous work, which often looked like they were shot in someone’s backyard. But the problem with spoofing a phenomenon like “Twilight” is that only people who’ve seen the movies will understand a majority of the jokes, and they’re probably the last group that would want to watch “Vampires Suck.” It’s definitely a step forward for Friedberg and Seltzer, but it’s a small step, because the movie is still so terrible that it’s difficult to put into words. Let’s just say vampires aren’t the only thing that sucks.

Click to buy “Vampires Suck”

It seemed such an obvious and hamfisted attempt to cash-in on the success of “Twilight,” “True Blood,” etc., even though it was actually the “Buffy” TV series that milked the concept of vampire-human interspecies romance and the rights holders behind it didn’t have the rights to anything from the television show, just the original, likably mediocre, movie.

Well, a funny thing, happened. It didn’t die and while a lot of hardcore Whedonites are still spitting mad, others, including me, are more quizzical than angry and even a bit open-minded to what Warner Brothers and Atlas Entertainment say they’re cooking up. (You can sample fan opinion at the very well run Whedon fan site, Whedonesque.)

How did Warners and producer Charles Roven soften me up? They offered, via the L.A. Times, a Joss-alternative that was convincing enough to at least want to extend the benefit of the doubt. A former actress who, judging from the photo the Times ran, is more than attractive enough to have once been a popular cheerleader herself, screenwriter Whit Anderson not only apparently wowed producers with her concept for a reboot/remake of the original “Buffy” movie, whatever that may be, she says she is a fan of the television series herself and appears entirely respectful of its legacy. Whatever her concept is, however, it better be good. she won’t be able to borrow anything more than the spirit of the original series. All of the supporting characters from the series, even Buffy’s mother, who never appeared in the film, are off limits. Talk to any fan of the show and you’ll soon learn what an ensemble piece it was.

Still, as quoted in the Times, she seems genuinely interested in coming up with her own, fresh spin on the premise. Really, what could be wrong with that? Sure, it most likely won’t be good because most things aren’t good. Even if it’s great, she may have problems with possible vampire-fatigue setting in among filmgoers. Still, I have to give credit to Ms. Anderson and Warner’s PR from turning my attitude from raw contempt to something more like skeptical curiosity. The only problem, really, is that it seems extremely soon for a reimagining.

That was pretty much the premise of today’s other moment of good PR, Joss Whedon’s statement in response to the news. Expanding greatly on his earlier four-word response (“I hope it’s cool”) , Whedon responded to E!’s Kristen Dos Santos the way his longtime fans expect — with jokes, apparent honesty and humility, and more jokes. After ironically noting that he’s feeding off a few characters created by a number of other writers in his upcoming film of Marvel’s “The Avengers,” he continues:

My first reaction upon hearing who was writing it was, “Whit Stillman AND Wes Anderson? This is gonna be the most sardonically adorable movie EVER…

…I always hoped that Buffy would live on even after my death. But, you know, AFTER. I don’t love the idea of my creation in other hands, but I’m also well aware that many more hands than mine went into making that show what it was. And there is no legal grounds for doing anything other than sighing audibly. I can’t wish people who are passionate about my little myth ill. I can, however, take this time to announce that I’m making a Batman movie…

The week’s #2 film was probably a pleasant surprise for Zack Snyder and Warners. “Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole” did well in matinees, probably benefiting from little competition for the always crucial family dollar. The film dropped only 32.6% from its lackluster opening for an estimate of $10.8 million and change. Oliver Stone’s third-place “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps” suffered a more usual drop of just under 47% for a neither-bullish-nor-bearish estimated week 2 take of $10.1 million for Rupert Murdoch’s Fox.

“Easy A,” a cheaply made and therefore very profitable mini-hit comedy, and the outright bomb, “You Again,” earned estimates of $7 million and a skosh above $5.5 at fouth and fifth place, respectively. Then, we get to this week’s two horror releases.

“Case 39” — a horror flick aimed at adults which has generated no excitement anywhere, with anyone, is thought to have made about $5.35 million. Still, that makes them a whole $50,000 ahead of this week’s real box office unfortunate.

People will be picking apart the really not good $5.3 million estimated performance for Overture of the solidly made, beautifully acted horror/coming-of-age remake “Let Me In” for weeks. I personally think that both Anne Thompson and her box-office guy Anthony D’Allesandro are partially on the right track. The idea that it fell in the cracks between the art-house and horror world has some real validity. As I’ve often noted, horror fans these days seem to demand hard-edged scares often amounting to simulated trauma, and “Let Me In” pretty obviously isn’t going to that place. Real art house patrons might turn up their noses, preferring the “real” film, “Let the Right One In,” from Sweden and non-horror fans might avoid it simply because it’s horror. Some may even assume it’s in some way like “Twilight.”

There’s also the issue of R-rating which D’Allesandro termed a “stake through the heart.” Indeed, both films will likely become favorites of young people who see them on home video and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I usually dislike parents taking young kids to “hard R”-rated films, but despite a couple of scenes of strong blood, some ingeniously implied ultra-violence, and some morally complex ideas that would probably benefit from a bit of parent-child discussion, I certainly wouldn’t think less of parents allowing mature tweens to see either film. I’m sure many will on DVD and Blu-Ray.

The other good news for Matt Reeves, however, is that his film only cost $20 million. It’s also possible there will be some award nominations here and there. It’s just a shame that, given their ages, neither Chloe Moretz or Kodi Smit-McPhee are likely to be nominated in the Best Actor or Actress Oscar category, and there’s really no justification at all to say that either of them are in “supporting” roles. It’s completely their movie.

From the same team who brought out most of the unloved yet apparently consistently profitable and, as far as I’ve been able to bring myself to watch them, utterly unfunny parody films of the last several years — no need to name them here — comes another lousy looking laugh-free trailer with a title that sounds like a less-than-brilliant seven year-old came up with it: “Vampires Suck.” Once again, the kings of the obvious, they’re going after the “Twilight” films. See for yourself, if you must (via a properly regretful Brad Brevet).

Here’s the thing, it’s not enough to simply recapitulate the actual films and simply add an obvious exaggeration of what’s actually going on or combine it with some other randomly selected film from a different genre. Comedy is not easy to explain, but you’d think any professional would know it’s not that simple. Fortunately, some “Twilight” spoofers do and, after the jump, you can see two reasonably clever and funny twists on the franchise.

For those of us who are ever suspicious of guys using the old “I’m a tortured, brooding, vampire” come-on.

And here’s an exceedingly silly but nevertheless mirth-inducing one via Kyle Buchanan at Movieline.