“The Big Bang Theory”: The show is moving to Thursdays. “Certainly, it was difficult, but not in the sense that you don’t have complete faith and belief in the show,” said Tassler. “The time felt right. The show is certainly enjoying an extraordinary amount of support and love, and this was a great opportunity for us to really move it into a strategic place and open the night.”

“Survivor”: The new season of the popular reality series will find the castaways divided into Young vs. Old. The members of the La Flor Tribe will all be aged 30 or younger, while those in the Espada Tribe will all be 40 or older.

“Undercover Boss”: Four of the companies which will appear in the show’s second season have been revealed: NASCAR, DirecTV, Chiquita Brands, Inc., and Great Wolf Resorts.

“CSI: Crime Scene Investigation”: Justin Bieber will be playing a character in the season premiere, playing a character that is “quite different from his wholesome real-life persona.”

“CSI: Miami” and “CSI: NY” timeslot changes: “Going into this season, we had very strong development, we really wanted to get a number of those new dramas on the air, and both ‘Miami’ and ‘New York’ are still strong players for us, so we said, ‘Look, we can use them to improve the time periods they’re going into, as well as support new shows that they’re launching side by side with.’”

“Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior”: Janeane Garofalo has been added to the cast.

New gay characters: GLAAD will no doubt be pleased to hear that, according to Tassler, there are three on the horizon for the new season. “You’re going to meet Alicia’s brother in ‘The Good Wife,’ a gay character. We’re also going to be adding a new character to ‘Rules of Engagement.’ Jeff and Audrey’s surrogate will be a member of Jeff’s softball team, and she’s a lesbian. We’re also going to be recurring a character in ‘$#*! My Dad Says,’ the character Tim Bagley played.” I’m particularly happy to hear about that last one, mostly because the scenes between Bagley and William Shatner are arguably the funniest in the pilot.

After Tassler’s remarks and Q&A were completed, she evacuated the stage in order for the day’s show panels to begin, starting with…

“The Big Bang Theory”

At first glance, the fact that “The Big Bang Theory” is the only pre-existing CBS show to get its own panel on the network’s TCA day would lead one to deduce that it’s because it’s so popular. In reality, though, it’s much more likely that the series got the spotlight because they want to make sure it’s still a major player when it returns on Sept. 28th and shifts on the CBS schedule from Mondays to Thursdays. Ah, but who cares why they’re here? It’s just good to see the gang again. Johnny Galecki, Jim Parsons, Kaley Cuoco, Simon Helberg, and Kunal Nayyar were all in attendance, along with creators / executive producers Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady, and, as usual, they gave us some great, fun stuff.

Jim Parsons commented on his occasional difficulties in mastering the slight variations of his famous knock (which, for the record, was the idea of executive producer Lee Aronsohn), admitting, “It’s easy to get tripped up, and I have to do it a few times to figure out, ‘Well, where the hell is the rhythm of this new one?’”

Parsons and his co-stars also regaled the crowd with the story of filming the scene with Sheldon diving around in the ball pit.

“That was a blast,” said Parsons.

“Once they cleaned the balls, it was fun,” said Galecki. “They were filthy.”

“Every single one of those balls was Purell’d,” said Helberg.

“(Jim) came in from rehearsal from that,” said Cuoco, “and he’s looking at me, and I’m, like, ‘Have you showered today?’ It was like a film of black across his face.”

“It was awful,” admitted Parsons.

“Dirty balls,” Cuoco sighed.

“I washed my hands, and the sink was black water,” said Parsons. “Then I wiped my clean hands on a towel, and it would be damp, and I brushed it over my face, and there would be this swath of pink and gray.”

“And we had disinfectant spray for one another,” said Galecki.

“It was good for my hair, though,” said Parsons. “I realized that I need a drier product. I don’t need to use a gel or something.”

“Ball pits are kind of on the way out,” explained Prady. “They don’t really make them anymore. And we’re looking at the set, and we kept saying, ‘More balls!’ They said, ‘This is all the balls in Southern California!’”

“I think we emptied every bin at every Chuck E. Cheese’s in Los Angeles,” said Lorre.

Possible guest star in the new season: Steve Wozniak.
Definite guest star in the new season: Mayim Bialik.

When asked point blank if Sheldon would “finally get it on this season,” Parsons’ first reaction was to scoff and say, “Oh, come on.” Pressed to consider the possibility that he might get close, he admitted that he didn’t know but added, “I wouldn’t hold it past anybody at this point. I think I might’ve said ‘no’ for sure six months ago, but now…? I never thought we’d even stumble upon a female that communicated with, but we did that.”

“He’ll have a very specific relationship with Mayim Bialik,” said Lorre. “A unique relationship.”

Lorre’s dream guest star: Neil Gaiman.

“Neil deGrasse Tyson is a big fan, and he passed along a comment that he got on the Hayden Planetarium website, which was a suggestion as to how he might appear on the show,” said Prady. “He’s famous as the fellow who demoted Pluto from planet status…and, actually, that does sound kind of fun. There are some other things we want to do, but we’re just, at this point, talking to people, and it’s a matter of scheduling, so it’s a little too soon to talk about.”

Galecki and Cuoco are in agreement that the time was right for Leonard and Penny to break up.

“I thought it said natural to where they’re at in their lives right now,” said Galecki. “They have a whole lot to learn in the ways of love.”

“I think it was super realistic, actually,” said Cuoco. “I mean, relationships are up and down, and people get together, and they break up, and they’re not friends, and they’re friends. I mean, you know, this stuff happens all the time. So I think it actually was perfect timing…and you never know what’s going to happen with them.”

On a romance-related note, Melissa Rauch will be returning this season to reprise her role as Howard’s girlfriend, Bernadette.

Lorre admitted to being surprised when he got the news that the powers that be at CBS were moving the show to Thursday nights, but while not entirely thrilled with the move, he also doesn’t have a real problem with it, either.

“One assumes they’ve given it a lot of thought and that it’s a good thing for the show,” said Lorre. “Given where we are now after three seasons, I’d be crazy to argue with the choices that CBS has made along the way because it’s been…just look at this. This is wonderful. So if they think this is a good call, then that’s great. Our job is to make a good show. It’s not to program the show. You know, we grow the crops. We don’t have the truck that brings it to market. With the time slot moved to 8:00 on Thursday night, it’s almost like a re-launch of the show, establishing it. It feels like a do-over in a way, so we are really doing everything we can to make it everything we believe it should be.”

“Mike & Molly”

I don’t know if you’ve seen the previews for this new sitcom from the Chuck Lorre camp, but it’s about a man and a woman who cross paths at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting and fall for each other. Having seen the pilot, I’ll be the first to stand up and applaud the instant chemistry between the two leads, Melissa McCarthy and Billy Gardell, but, man, they’ve really got to cut back on the fat jokes. This should be a sitcom about a cute couple, with the weight class of the stars something that’s acknowledged but not constantly dwelled upon.

When someone suggested to Lorre that he might be tackling a politically incorrect subject with the series, he claimed otherwise.

“It’s about real people with real issues trying to have a relationship,” said Lorre. “Television would normally have cast Chris O’Donnell and Courteney Cox as the people who meet at Overeaters Anonymous, but in this case we had the courage and, I think, the wisdom to just cast people that are just…you know, they’re trying to make their lives better and find someone that they can love and be loved by. It may be odd for television, but I hope it’s reflective of some kind of reality that people will experience.”

“I think it’s good just to have something a little more realistic so people aren’t always, like, ‘Oh, I could never be that perfect,’” said McCarthy. “Guess what? No one is, except in this little set somewhere in Hollywood. I think anytime a show kind of bridges into the real world…I don’t know, I think it just takes the pressure off some people, so maybe subconsciously it will make people take it a little easy on themselves.”

When asked if he was comfortable with his weight or if he felt he should lose a few pounds for health reasons, Gardell couldn’t resist first mentioning that he actually has a better cholesterol level than his wife, who’s smaller than he is.

“Of course, I think I’d like to lose some weight,” he said. “I mean, everybody’d like to be a little bit better than they are, you know, but everybody has a different tick, man. Mine just happens to be pizza.”

When there was a moment’s silence from the audience, Gardell said, “It’s okay, you can laugh at that. I’ve got a mirror. Lighten up.”

Continuing, Gardell explained that wanting to lose weight doesn’t always make it easy to do so. “When you’re not great at coping with all your emotions, sometimes you push ’em down with a piece of cake. That’s just how it works. Some people do it with booze. Some people do it with gambling. Some people do it with other things, and that is a part of this. But make no mistake. This is a love story. And the great thing about this love story is, this is a show people can look at and go, ‘You know what? I’m like that,’ or ‘I look better than that,’ instead of looking at the show and going, ‘God, I’m never gonna look like that.’”

Gardell admitted that he’s had his troubles getting good parts in Hollywood because of his weight. “I don’t know how your experience has been,” he said to McCarthy, “but when you’re a fat guy in Hollywood, you’re the bad guy, the cop, or the neighbor. That’s what you’re doing. ‘Bring them to me!’ ‘You kids get out of here!’ ‘She’s going to kill us both!’ That’s what you’re doing. To be at this weight and this age in Hollywood and to be one of the leads of a show of this caliber, with this team…? I’m absolutely humbled. It’s like I got the Willy Wonka ticket, you know? ‘Run, Charlie! Run home as fast as you can!’ That’s how I feel. I can’t wait to go to work. This is unbelievable, and…I think it has a lot to do with my age, too. I’m 40. You know, if I’d have got this at 20, I wouldn’t have been able to handle this. I’m looking so forward to this. Man, I’ve been a road comic for 20 years. I’m not in a Holiday Inn this weekend. You understand? I’m excited.”

McCarthy agreed wholeheartedly with Gardell’s sentiments. “I’m thrilled,” she said. “I always think back to when I was 22 in New York, and I was somewhere between a size four and a size six, and she said, ‘First of all, you’re never going to work at that weight.’ I wish I remembered the agent’s name. I would love to call her in her studio right now and tell her, ‘Oh, yeah?’ I just feel like I got hit with the lucky stick.”

“The Talk”

Fair warning: I’m not going to spend a heck of a lot of time discussing this new CBS daytime talk show. I’ll admit that I’m intrigued by the blend of individuals they’ve selected to serve as the six (!) hosts of the show – Julie Chen, Leah Remini, Sara Gilbert, Sharon Osbourne, Holly Robinson Peete, and Marissa Jaret Winokur – but I can’t tell you that it’s something I’m chomping at the bit to watch, and I rather expect that the majority of Bullz-Eye’s predominantly-male readership will probably feel the same way.

The idea for the series – all of the hosts are mothers – came from Gilbert, who does double duty as one of the show’s executive producers. “I was a new mom when I thought of it,” she explained. “I was feeling overwhelmed. Was I giving the baby enough? Was I giving my son enough attention? And literally, I started going to this mom group, and I thought, ‘Wow, people need this kind of support,’ and it was just sort of like a light bulb. I thought, ‘What if there were a show where a bunch of women sat together and talked about the world through that perspective?’”

So there you go. That’s what the show is. I don’t know that anything else really needs to be said.

Oh, okay, one more thing: the most entertaining part of the panel came when someone asked the ladies to reveal the most annoying pet peeve they have about their significant other, so I’ll close by sharing their answers with you.

Marissa Jaret Winokur – “My husband is just a procrastinator. Basically, I’m the one who’s, like, ‘I want to buy the carpet. Let’s buy the carpet,’ and he’d rather sit around and go through 20 different stores and find the perfect carpet.”

Holly Robinson Peete – “He’s a really bad snorer. I mean, he just got really bad. I tried to put on one of those Breathe Right strips in his sleep. He doesn’t want to wear them. So picture me sort of straddled over him trying to press it down. And I ran out of his size, so I had to go to the kids and get the small size. I put one on each nostril, and it just didn’t work. You know, that’s something that we would be talking about if we were on the air this morning and the New York Times had a story about one in four couples are sleeping in separate bedrooms, and I’m not lying. Last night, I was thinking about, you know, it might be time. 15 years, I love the man, but we are on different schedules. I had to get up early this morning. He’s snoring. It doesn’t work for me. I think it’s by year 2015 the New York Times said something about 60 percent of houses are going to have double masters. I’m okay with this.”

Sharon Osbourne – “There is nothing. He’s perfect. Let me tell you something: he doesn’t even know I am doing this show. I am here today, and he thinks I’ve gone to ‘America’s Got Talent.’ He has no idea. He gives me all the freedom in the world that I want. He’s just a perfect partner for me. He does his thing. I do mine. We have the best family. We adore each other. You know, yeah, my husband snores. He farts. He pisses on the seat. On the toilet seat, that is. But, hey, that’s life. That’s what we all do. It doesn’t annoy me. It would annoy me if he was sleeping with a room full of women. That would annoy me. But if he throws food on the floor and he’s messy, it doesn’t bother me. So he’s perfect.”

Sara Gilbert – “Ali is much taller than I am. So if we get dressed, I just think that clothes always look better on her, and I think that that can be kind of annoying.”

Julie Chen – “When I got married, I said to my husband, ‘One of the reasons that I know this is going to work is because you’re the first person in my life who doesn’t annoy me,’ and when someone gets on my nerves, there’s very little turning back, if at all. But…my baby is ten months old, and my husband works very hard. Quite often he leaves in the morning when the baby is just waking up or is still sleeping, so he doesn’t have a lot of time to bond with the baby. We put the baby down hopefully by 7:00, and he doesn’t always make it home by 7:00, but when he does make it home, it doesn’t matter if we just put him down, he wants to go look at the baby. And to make sure that everything is okay, I’ll go with him, and if we can see him breathing, I’m like, ‘Okay, don’t touch him.’ And one day we went in…and he still does this now…and we could see the baby, he moved around, and he touched him. And I said, ‘What are you doing?’ And the baby woke up. I said, ‘What are you touching him for?’ He’s like, ‘That’s how we connect.’ I said, ‘You’re not connecting. You just woke him up. You pissed him off!’ But he has this thing. Even though I made him promise me, ‘If you see him breathing, don’t touch him,’ he still touches him!”

Leah Remini – “There’s so many things, but for me the most annoying thing would be that for every holiday or every birthday, I go, ‘What do you want?’ ‘Sex.’ ‘I have a headache.’ ‘What can I get you?’ ‘Sex.’ It’s like that’s all that’s on his mind. Everything that he does like on a daily basis that’s sweet is to have sex. And I guess that’s the most annoying thing to me. I guess I should be happy that my husband wants to have sex with me. But when you know that everything he does is because of that, you’re like, ‘Just stop. It’s not going to happen tonight. Just be you.'”

Hawaii Five-O

Although “Hawaii Five-O” is a reboot of the classic CBS series that ran for 12 seasons, neither Alex O’Loughlin nor Scott Caan – who play Steve McGarrett and Danny “Danno” Williams, respectively – have gone out of their way to revisit the original in order to get inspiration on how to play their parts.

“I purposely didn’t go back and look at too much of the old show,” said Caan. “I wanted to start fresh, and I didn’t want to have any old ideas, so, no, I didn’t do any of that.”

O’Loughlin remembers the old show from his childhood, but he’s extremely conscious of how far things have come since then.

“There’s been a lot of changes in television and in the way we act stylistically and with technology and with what we can do with the money that we have with special effects and stunts and all the rest of it,” said O’Loughlin. “So it’s not a remake. We’re not kind of picking up where they left off. It’s a reboot, and the characters are very different. My character, Steve McGarrett, in the old show, you didn’t know much about the character that Jack Lord played, whereas in the pilot on our new show, you learn a lot about my Steve McGarrett. I didn’t look to that to make decisions. I just did my character work based on the script that these guys wrote.”

As for the show’s chances of success, it’s clear that O’Loughlin is pretty well putting all of his remaining eggs in this basket.

“I don’t want to take anything away from the other shows I’ve done,” he said. “I’ve worked with some incredible people and some wonderful showrunners and…well, ‘Moonlight,’ I don’t know if I ever met the showrunners. There were about 17 of them. But the other shows were great in their own ways. The thing is, there’s a reason things either work or don’t work in television, and I don’t know what the answer is. I just sort of keep blundering along to the next thing and hoping. But the team behind this, the two men here who are at the helm of this show, Peter (Lenkov) and Alex (Kurtzman), and the writing staff that we have, everyone feels so capable. I read the pilot, I did the pilot, and I saw what they did with it, and…there’s something special about it. So, I mean, if this one doesn’t go, I’m completely bewildered. I have no idea how television works at all.”

The Defenders

First of all, if you’re old enough to remember the original “Defenders” series with E.G. Marshall and Robert Reed, I hate to disappoint you, but this “Defenders,” while also about a pair of attorneys, is in no way connected to it. Then again, maybe it isn’t a disappointment. I guess it really all depends on how you feel about Jim Belushi and Jerry O’Connell.

As it happens, the show was originally going to be a reality series based on a pair of real-life Las Vegas attorneys, but although it eventually evolved into a dramatic series, Belushi and O’Connell still ended up meeting with their real-world counterparts, Michael Cristalli and Marc Saggese, in order to get some insight into their characters.

“They’re great,” said Belushi. “We hang out with these guys. They were on the set the whole time. We went to Piero’s in Vegas and drank those big martinis. They can hold their liquor, these guys.”

“They’re fascinating,” said O’Connell. “And from a professional standpoint, they represent a lot of people that I’m not even sure public defenders would represent.”

“There was one case where a guy goes into a liquor store, holds up the liquor store, ‘Give me all your money,'” said Belushi. “The guy gives him all the money, and the guy says, ‘Now, give me that handle of vodka, that Johnnie Walker scotch, and that Jack Daniels.’ And the guy said, “Oh, sir, I’m sorry. I can’t give you the alcohol.’ And he said, ‘No, give me the alcohol. I want it.’ He says, ‘No, no. It’s obvious you’re underage.’ And the guy goes, ‘I am not underage.’ ‘No, sir, it’s obvious. I’ll get in a lot of trouble with the state. They’ll lose their license here.’ He goes, ‘I am not underage!’ And he pulls out his ID. I mean, they get some really stupid people…”

Despite being set in Vegas, much of “The Defenders” is actually filmed in California…not that the show’s stars are so terribly heartbroken about that.

“My relationship with Vegas has switched from being a person going to enjoy the weekend to an employee of Vegas: I have a band, and I do a lot of corporate work with my band in Vegas,” said Belushi. “It changes the whole chemistry of the town. So what I do is I go there, and I perform with my band and have a nice dinner and play roulette for 20 minutes and go home. I’m kind of a boring guy.”

“I used to go to Vegas with about 20 or 30 friends, and we’d share one hotel room,” said O’Connell. “There would be 30 of us sharing two single beds. So that’s how I remember Vegas, but now that I’m married, look, I go there with my wife. A lot of shopping is done. To be honest, my credit card maxed out the last time we went there. I had a call, and I’m glad it maxed out, because then the bleeding stopped at some point. But, really, for my wife and I, we left the kids with my parents when we worked up there for close to a week when we did ‘The Defenders’ thing. We saw shows. The dining is great. It’s just a really fun grownup experience…and I don’t have to share a room with 20 other male friends and get passed-out drunk.”

Blue Bloods

Tom Selleck certainly hasn’t been hurting for work over the past several years, what with the success of his “Jesse Stone” series of films for CBS, so it’s a little surprising to see him make the decision to settle into a regular series role. Given that he’s done so, however, it isn’t surprising to find that the resulting program – “Blue Bloods” – is a top-notch drama. Indeed, when asked what brought him back to series television, he admitted that there were two reasons: 1) the show was good, and 2) it was an ensemble piece that would require talented actors to fill the parts.

“Having done a lead, as I did in ‘Magnum, PI,’ I was in every shot,” said Selleck. “And I wasn’t complaining, but it’s a tough road. And ‘Magnum’ was never canceled: I kind of left it after eight years because I was tired from it, not tired of

Donnie Wahlberg, who co-stars as Selleck’s son in the series (it’s about a family filled with cops and law-enforcement types), was also impressed by the ensemble nature of the show, particularly during the family-dinner scene in the pilot episode.

“A lot of people try procedural shows – there are many successful procedurals – and some people try character-driven shows,” said Wahlberg. “And a lot of times when people try to do both, they don’t really work because there’s not a sort of a consistent element that ties the two together. I don’t know if it was by design, but the dinner scene (in the pilot) almost serves as that. It’s really a place where the work and the procedural stuff comes into the character stuff directly, and you see how everyone is connected. Tom plays the chief of police, and I play his son, who is a detective, and if I’m on a major case, he’s going to deal with it. So all the characters ultimately are intertwined somehow, so it makes it much easier. If one was a baseball player and one was a fireman and one was a doctor, it would be probably difficult to follow all the storylines. But we all work in the same thing. We all work within the law to uphold the law.”

By the way, if you’re wondering, Selleck’s role on “Blue Bloods” will not prevent him from making further “Jesse Stone” films…indeed, that was one thing he made sure to confirm before he ever took on the series…and if the reason you aren’t wondering is because you think those films are for old folks, well, Mr. Selleck would just like to point out that “Jesse Stone: No Remorse” is, as of this writing, #2 in video sales, behind only the “Clash of the Titans” remake.

“I don’t see any conflicts in the two guys because they’re so different,” said Selleck, “but it’s my job to make these two characters, I think, different enough where the audience enjoys both. I hope people want to keep watching him because I love playing that guy, enough to make sure I could do him if I took this role.”

$#*! My Dad Says

All hail the Shatman…if not necessarily his new series. Despite being based on a consistently hilarious Twitter feed by Justin Halpern, what we’ve seen of the show thus far – which is, to be fair, a pilot which has since had one of its characters recast and one of its major plotlines dropped – has in no way lived up to its source material. Still, it’s William Shatner, so I’m still going to give it a chance and see if it manages to get any better.

In regards to the changes that are taking place with the series, executive producer David Kohan said, “”You know, it really came down to a question of…we feel like we have a great concept and a great brand and a great star, and we just wanted it to be perfect. It just came down to the question of, ‘How do we make this as good as it can possibly be?’ The character (of Henry) isn’t going to be changing that much except inasmuch as that there this kind of alchemy that goes on. You cast an actor, and the role necessarily changes because the person inhabiting that character changes. And you end up writing to who that actor is to a certain degree, but the dynamic also changes.”

“We’re telling the same story, and all of the things that we thought were great about the pilot that we first shot will be in the second take,” said executive producer Max Mutchnick. “The same team is in place. Jim Burrows will be directing. And we just kind of…we’re streamlining the first paths of the pilot, and this love story that we had threaded into the first pilot, we’ve taken out because we saw that there was so much fun in just writing this buddy-buddy comedy. At least that’s the way Henry sees it. So that’s what we’re going for.”

For his part, Shatner seems beside himself with excitement about doing the show, even though he admits that he wasn’t familiar with the Twitter feed that inspires it when he got the pitch. Instead, it was the creative team behind the series that caught his eye. ” I was aware of the limitless talents that were attached to the whole thing, and the people that are connected with this show are the top-talented people in the business,” he said. “I didn’t want to do another series, but I wanted to be connected with these talented people.”

Shatner was also intrigued by the opportunity to play a part that is – relatively speaking – somewhat low-key. “I’m trying to get another dynamic as an actor and make a character that comes from a different place,” he said. “There’s a stillness, and yet there’s an anger, a passion, perhaps better than anger, that’s inside that we don’t yet know. We’re all fumbling for what this character is because the character emerges out of the writer’s imagination. Then I flesh that out, and exactly what the facets are will come about as we do it. And it won’t become known to any of us until several shows go by as to what exactly it is.”

In addition, Shatner admitted that he has been attempting to capture the warmth of Halpern’s father that, while often sometimes hard to find in the Tweets, is evident when one reads the book based on Halpern’s life and times with his father.
“To sustain a character like that over weeks to make it palatable so people will watch and learn to love the character even through his idiosyncrasies, you’ve got to be careful that you are not overbearing, overwhelming people. And so I’m sure that was a writing choice, although we never discussed it as specifically as we are now. But it was certainly an acting choice, realizing this isn’t just one moment. We are aiming at wanting all of you to listen in every week, to look in every week and see the evolution of this relationship between the sons and the father, and to condemn hardly all the time is unpalatable.”

The best moment of the panel came when the topic of the show’s title came into play. Mr. Shatner, it seems, is growing more than a little bit tired of the whole controversy.

“Do you know what I wish?” he asked. “I wish they would call it ‘Shit.’ What’s wrong with ‘Shit’? I’ve got grandchildren. I brought up three girls. They’ve all got kids. Okay? You say ‘boopy doo-doo, you’ve got to make poo-poo. Come on, make poo-poo in the toilet.’ Eventually, ‘poo-poo’ becomes ‘shit.’ ‘Go take a shit, and you’ll feel better.’ You say that to your kids. The word ‘shit’ is around us. It isn’t a terrible term. It’s a natural function. Why are we pussyfooting?”

And that, my friends, is why William Shatner is a legend.

Outstanding Comedy Series:

* Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)
* Glee (Fox)
* Modern Family (ABC)
* Nurse Jackie (Showtime)
* The Office (NBC)
* 30 Rock (NBC)

My Pick: “Modern Family.” There’s no question that “Glee” is award-worthy, but not necessarily as a comedy, which is also where “Nurse Jackie” falters in this category. I feel like “The Office” and “30 Rock” coasted in on their past merits this year, but “Curb” got a huge boost from the “Seinfeld” storyline, so it’s the only real competition here. Still, the buzz on “Modern Family” is all over the place. I can’t imagine it won’t bring home the glory.

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series:

* Jim Parsons, “The Big Bang Theory” (CBS)
* Larry David, “Curb Your Enthusiasm” (HBO)
* Matthew Morrison, “Glee” (Fox)
* Tony Shalhoub, “Monk” (USA)
* Steve Carell, “The Office” (NBC)
* Alec Baldwin, “30 Rock” (NBC)

My pick: Jim Parsons, “The Big Bang Theory.” And I’m going to keep picking him until he gets the award, dammit.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series:

* Lea Michele, “Glee” (Fox)
* Julia Louis-Dreyfus, “The New Adventures of Old Christine” (CBS)
* Edie Falco, “Nurse Jackie” (Showtime)
* Amy Poehler, “Parks & Recreation” (NBC)
* Tina Fey, “30 Rock” (NBC)
* Toni Collette, “United States of Tara” (Showtime)

My pick: Lea Michele, “Glee.” All things being equal, I’d much rather see Edie Falco take home the award, but her best work on “Nurse Jackie” comes from her dramatic work on the series, and the same goes for Toni Collette on “United States of Tara.” I can’t see them giving Julia the award, Tina’s had her day in the sun, and I’m not convinced that enough Emmy voters are watching “Parks & Recreation,” which is one thing you definitely can’t say about “Glee.”

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series:

* Chris Colfer, “Glee” (Fox)
* Neil Patrick Harris, “How I Met Your Mother” (CBS)
* Jesse Tyler Ferguson, “Modern Family” (ABC)
* Eric Stonestreet, “Modern Family” (ABC)
* Ty Burrell, “Modern Family” (ABC)
* Jon Cryer, “Two and a Half Men” (CBS)

My pick: Ty Burrell, “Modern Family.” If Cryer wins, the critics will weep, and while Neil always deserves to win an Emmy, let’s hope he takes one home for his guest spot on “Glee” and shares it with Colfer. Stonestreet and Ferguson are great, but it’s only inevitable that they’ll split the vote, which leaves Burrell as the cast member to beat…and, indeed, the nominee to beat.

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series:

* Jane Lynch, “Glee” (Fox)
* Julie Bowen, “Modern Family” (ABC)
* Sofia Vergara, “Modern Family” (ABC)
* Kristen Wiig, “Saturday Night Live” (NBC)
* Jane Krakowski, “30 Rock” (NBC)
* Holland Taylor, “Two and a Half Men” (CBS)

My pick: Jane Lynch, “Glee.” It’s the kind of performance that makes you want to just cut to the chase and give it to her now. With that said, however, I would have no complaints if either Vergara or Krakowski took it home. In particular, I’ve always felt that Krakowski was an MVP on “30 Rock” who doesn’t get nearly as much attention as she’s deserved. (Vergara, meanwhile, does get plenty of attention…and rightfully so. Yowza!) Bowen’s great, but much of her performance involves staring incredulously at Ty Burrell, and Taylor’s a class act, but she’s outclassed here. And don’t even get me started on Kristen Wiig. If you’ve got something to say about her, say it here and here.

Outstanding Drama Series:

* Breaking Bad (AMC)
* Dexter (Showtime)
* The Good Wife (CBS)
* Lost (ABC)
* Mad Men (AMC)
* True Blood (HBO)

My pick: Breaking Bad. If you need any more explanation about this pick, then just hit up my blog for the series. It clarifies my feelings pretty well.

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series:

* Bryan Cranston, “Breaking Bad” (AMC)
* Michael C. Hall, “Dexter” (Showtime)
* Kyle Chandler, “Friday Night Lights” (DirecTV)
* Hugh Laurie, “House” (Fox)
* Matthew Fox, “Lost” (ABC)
* Jon Hamm, “Mad Men” (AMC)

My pick: Bryan Cranston, “Breaking Bad.” As if there was ever any doubt, right? I said in September Laurie would earn an Emmy nomination based on his performance in the “House” season premiere alone, so it’s nice to see that I was right about that, and I’d probably have to turn in my TCA membership card if I didn’t cheer for Chandler’s nomination just on general principle. Fox’s nod seems more sentimental than anything else, though. It could well prove to be a three-way heat between Hamm, Hall, and Cranston, but I’m sticking with my favorite horse on this one.

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series:

* Kyra Sedgwick, “The Closer” (TNT)
* Glenn Close, “Damages” (FX)
* Connie Britton, “Friday Night Lights” (DirecTV)
* Julianna Margulies, “The Good Wife” (CBS)
* Mariska Hargitay, “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” (NBC)
* January Jones, “Mad Men” (AMC)

My pick: Julianna Margulies, “The Good Wife.” But with all due respect to Ms. Margulies, the person who I would’ve voted for didn’t even score a nomination…and, frankly, I’m pissed about it. In fact, I’m calling bullshit on the fact that January Jones received a nod for “Mad Men” while Anna Gunn was left out in the cold for her outstanding work on “Breaking Bad” this season. That’s right, I’m unabashedly calling out Jones as the one who doesn’t belong in this category: sure, she plays the ice queen to perfection, but if you saw her hosting “Saturday Night Live,” then you know that you’re seeing something not terribly far from her default setting. Jones coasted into this nomination via name recognition for the show, plain and simple, and not for her acting.

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series:

* Aaron Paul, “Breaking Bad” (AMC)
* Martin Short, “Damages” (FX)
* Terry O’Quinn, “Lost” (ABC)
* Michael Emerson, “Lost” (ABC)
* John Slattery, “Mad Men” (AMC)
* Andre Braugher, “Men of a Certain Age” (TNT)

My pick: Terry O’Quinn, “Lost.” This is certifiably the single hardest category for me, because there’s literally no one in the running who I wouldn’t like to see take home the award, but gut feeling is that one of the two “Lost” cast members will end up winning, with O’Quinn being my personal favorite (not that Emerson isn’t great). In a perfect world, though, enough people would have watched the 3rd season of “Damages” to give their votes to Short. Braugher got to play a lot of great family drama, and, well, you know how I feel about “Breaking Bad,” but, seriously, Aaron Paul’s work this year as Jesse worked his way through rehab while dealing with emotional trauma was outstanding. And Slattery…c’mon, the guy makes me grin whenever he walks on camera. There are no losers here.

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series:

* Sharon Gless, “Burn Notice” (USA)
* Rose Byrne, “Damages” (FX)
* Archie Panjabi, “The Good Wife” (CBS)
* Christine Baranski, “The Good Wife” (CBS)
* Christina Hendricks, “Mad Men” (AMC)
* Elisabeth Moss, “Mad Men” (AMC)

My pick: Christina Hendricks, “Mad Men.” I had a lot of trouble picking from my four favorite nominees here, but while Byrne, Baranski, and Moss were all great, Hendricks’ work with Joan’s struggles in her personal and professional lives made her the stand-out for me.

Outstanding Miniseries:

* The Pacific (HBO)
* Masterpiece: Return to Cranford (PBS)

My pick: The Pacific. Sorry, “Cranford,” but betting against “The Pacific” would be like going into a Harlem Globetrotters game and expecting to see them have their asses handed to them by the Washington Generals.

Outstanding Made for Television Movie:

* Masterpiece: Endgame (PBS)
* Georgia O’Keeffe (Lifetime)
* Moonshot (The History Channel)
* The Special Relationship (HBO)
* Temple Grandin (HBO)
* You Don’t Know Jack (HBO)

My pick: Temple Grandin. The competition is pretty fierce here, with the big guns all coming from HBO, but as much as I liked the network’s other two nominees, “Temple” has the edge because of the way director Mick Jackson brought to life the way Grandin sees the world.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie:

* Jeff Bridges, “A Dog Year” (HBO)
* Ian McKellen, “The Prisoner” (AMC)
* Michael Sheen, “The Special Relationship” (HBO)
* Dennis Quaid, “The Special Relationship” (HBO)
* Al Pacino, “You Don’t Know Jack” (HBO)

My pick: Al Pacino, “You Don’t Know Jack.” There were several occasions during the course of the film when I completely forgot that I was watching Pacino, and, man, I can’t think of the last time that happened. It’s good to have you back, Al.

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie:

* Maggie Smith, “Capturing Mary” (HBO)
* Joan Allen, “Georgia O’Keeffe” (Lifetime)
* Dame Judi Dench, “Masterpiece: Return to Cranford” (PBS)
* Hope Davis, “The Special Relationship” (HBO)
* Claire Danes, “Temple Grandin” (HBO)

My pick: Claire Danes, “Temple Grandin.” Yes, yes, we all know what was said in “Tropic Thunder” about performances like these, but the simple fact of the matter is that Danes did an exemplary job of capturing the awkwardness of an autistic woman trying not only to make it in a career dominated by men but, indeed, in society as a whole.

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie:

* Michael Gambon, “Masterpiece: Emma” (PBS)
* Patrick Stewart, “Great Performances: Hamlet” (PBS)
* Jonathan Pryce, “Masterpiece: Return to Cranford” (PBS)
* David Strathairn, “Temple Grandin” (HBO)
* John Goodman, “You Don’t Know Jack” (HBO)

My pick: David Strathairn, “Temple Grandin.” I’ve got nothing but love for the PBS performances, particularly Sir Patrick’s, but Strathairn’s calm performance played wonderfully against what Claire Danes brought to the table as the title character.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie:

* Kathy Bates, “Alice” (SyFy)
* Julia Ormond, “Temple Grandin” (HBO)
* Catherine O’Hara, “Temple Grandin” (HBO)
* Brenda Vaccaro, “You Don’t Know Jack” (HBO)
* Susan Sarandon, “You Don’t Know Jack” (HBO)

My pick: Brenda Vaccaro, “You Don’t Know Jack.” This was another tough one, as Ormond and O’Hara were both exemplary…as was Sarandon, for that matter…but the brother/sister dynamic between Vaccaro and Al Pacino was too damned wonderful to ignore.

Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series:

* The Colbert Report (Comedy Central)
* The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (Comedy Central)
* Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO)
* Saturday Night Live (NBC)
* The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien (NBC)

My pick: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I’d love to hear Conan’s acceptance speech if he won, but I think he’s gotten sufficient just desserts simply by being nominated, so I’d rather the consistently strong work of Stewart and his crew get the Emmy.

Outstanding Reality Program:

* Antiques Roadshow (PBS)
* Dirty Jobs (Discovery Channel)
* Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution (ABC)
* Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List (Bravo)
* MythBusters (Discovery Channel)
* Undercover Boss (CBS)

My pick: “Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution.” It’s probably the least watched show on the list, but that never stopped “The Amazing Race” from winning in the past.

Outstanding Host For A Reality Or Reality-Competition Program

* Phil Keoghan, “The Amazing Race” (CBS)
* Ryan Seacrest, “American Idol” (Fox)
* Tom Bergeron, “Dancing with the Stars” (ABC)
* Heidi Klum, “Project Runway” (Bravo)
* Jeff Probst, “Survivor” (CBS)

My pick: Phil Keoghan, “The Amazing Race.” Believe it or not, this season was the first time I’d ever watched the show. Say, you know, it’s pretty good!

MONDAY

8 – 8:30 PM: How I Met Your Mother

8:30 – 9 PM: Rules of Engagement

9 – 9:30 PM: Two and a Half Men

9:30 – 10 PM: Mike & Molly: a comedy from Chuck Lorre (“Two and a Half Men,” and “The Big Bang Theory”) about a working class Chicago couple who find love at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. Officer Mike Biggs (Billy Gardell) is a good-hearted cop who sincerely wants to lose weight. Mike’s partner, Officer Carl McMillan (Reno Wilson), is a thin, fast-talking wise-guy, who despite his teasing encourages Mike on his road to slimness and romance. While speaking at an O.A. meeting, Mike meets Molly Flynn (Melissa McCarthy), an instantly likeable fourth-grade teacher with a healthy sense of humor about her curves.

For Molly, focusing on smart choices isn’t easy because she lives with her sexy older sister, Victoria (Katy Mixon), and their mother, Joyce (Swoosie Kurtz), both of whom flaunt their healthy appetites and slender figures. Mike also faces temptation at the diner he and Carl frequent, where they’ve become friends with the Senegalese waiter, Samuel (Nyambi Nyambi), who finds trying to eat less a foreign concept. For Mike and Molly, thanks to their mutual love of pie and the desire to resist it, finding each other may have been worth the “weight.” Chuck Lorre and Mark Roberts are executive producers.

10 – 11 PM: Hawaii Five-0: a contemporary take on the classic series about a new elite federalized task force whose mission is to wipe out the crime that washes up on the Islands’ sun-drenched beaches. Detective Steve McGarrett (Alex O’Loughlin), a decorated Naval officer turned cop, returns to Oahu to investigate his father’s murder and stays after Hawaii’s governor persuades him to head up the new team: his rules, her backing, no red tape and full blanket immunity to hunt down the biggest “game” in town.

Joining McGarrett is Detective Danny “Danno” Williams (Scott Caan), a newly relocated ex-New Jersey cop who prefers skyscrapers to the coastline but is committed to keeping the Islands safe for his 8-year-old daughter; and Chin Ho Kelly (Daniel Dae Kim), an ex-Honolulu Police Detective wrongly accused of corruption and relegated to a federal security patrol, who is also a former protégé of McGarrett’s father. Chin’s cousin, Kono (Grace Park), is a beautiful and fearless native, fresh out of the academy and eager to establish herself among the department’s elite. McGarrett vows to bring closure to his father’s case while the state’s brash new FIVE-0 unit, who may spar and jest among themselves, is determined to eliminate the seedy elements from the 50th state. Peter Lenkov, Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci are executive producers.

TUESDAY

8 – 9 PM: NCIS

9 – 10 PM: NCIS: Los Angeles

10 – 11 PM: The Good Wife

WEDNESDAY

8 – 9 PM: Survivor

9 – 10 PM: Criminal Minds

10 – 11 PM: The Defenders: Jim Belushi and Jerry O’Connell star in a comedic drama about two colorful Las Vegas defense attorneys who go all-in when it comes to representing their clients. Nick and Pete are the local go-to guys with an eclectic client list who are still looking to hit their own jackpot. Leading the law firm of Morelli & Kaczmarek are Nick Morelli (Belushi), an earnest, hard-charging attorney who represents his clients to the best of his ability, no matter how big or small the case, and his partner, Pete Kaczmarek (O’Connell), whose passion for the law is matched only by his love of fast cars, beautiful women and expensive clothes.

Joining them in their growing law practice is new associate Lisa Tyler (Jurnee Smollett), an enthusiastic young attorney looking to put her exotic dancing days behind her; and their young assistant, Sophie (Tanya Fischer), a spunky and sweet ingénue who is eager to please her bosses. As Lady Luck shines on their legal careers, the partners have their hands full when it comes to their personal lives. While Pete is busy cruising the Vegas Strip for his latest romantic conquest, Nick is focused on repairing his fractured marriage to his estranged wife, Jessica (Gillian Vigman), while remaining present in the life of their young son. No matter the offense, Nick and Pete aim to prove that when the stakes are high they’re willing to bet the house on the clients they defend in Sin City. Carol Mendelsohn, Niels Mueller and Kevin Kennedy, Joe and Harry Gantz, and Davis Guggenheim are the executive producers.

THURSDAY

8 – 8:30 PM: The Big Bang Theory

8:30 – 9 PM: $#*! My Dad Says

Based on the popular Twitter feed by Justin Halpern, this comedy stars Emmy Award winner William Shatner as Ed Goodson, a forthright and opinionated dad who relishes expressing his unsolicited and often wildly politically incorrect observations to anyone within earshot. Nobody is immune from Ed’s rants, including his sons, Henry, a struggling writer-turned-unpaid blogger; and Vince (Will Sasso), the meek half of his husband/wife real estate duo with domineering Kathleen (Nicole Sullivan). When Henry finds he can no longer afford to pay rent to his pretty roommate — and secret admirer — Sam (Stephanie Lemelin), Ed reveals a soft spot and invites Henry to move in with him. Henry agrees, knowing that the verbal assault will not abate and now there will be no escape. Describing their father/son relationship is tricky – but Ed will easily come up with a few choice words. Emmy Award winners David Kohan and Max Mutchnick are executive producers. Emmy Award winner James Burrows directed.

9 -10 PM: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

10 – 11 PM: The Mentalist

FRIDAY

8 – 9 PM: Medium

9 – 10 PM: CSI: NY

10 – 11 PM: Blue Bloods: a drama about a multi-generational family of cops dedicated to New York City law enforcement. Frank Reagan (Tom Selleck) is the New York Chief of Police and patriarch of the Reagan brood, which he heads as diplomatically as he does the force, even when dealing with the politics that plagued his unapologetically bold father, Henry (Len Cariou), during his stint as Chief. A source of pride and concern for Frank is his eldest son Danny (Donnie Wahlberg), a seasoned detective, family man and Iraqi War vet who on occasion uses dubious tactics to solve cases.

The sole Reagan woman in the family, Erin (Bridget Moynahan), is a N.Y. Assistant D.A. and newly single parent, who also serves as the legal compass for her siblings and father. Jamie (Will Estes) is the youngest Reagan, fresh out of Harvard Law and the family’s “golden boy.” However, unable to deny the family tradition, Jamie decided to give up a lucrative future in law and is now a newly minted cop, a career change seemingly supported by his beautiful girlfriend, Sydney Davenport (Dylan Moore), a first year lawyer. Jamie’s life takes an abrupt turn, however, when he’s asked to become part of a clandestine police investigation even his father knows nothing about, and one that could impact the family’s legacy. Emmy Award winners Mitchell Burgess, Robin Green and Leonard Goldberg are executive producers.

SATURDAY

8 – 10 PM: Crimetime Saturday

10 – 11 PM: 48 Hours Mystery

SUNDAY

7 – 8 PM: 60 Minutes

8 – 9 PM: The Amazing Race

9 – 10 PM: Undercover Boss

10 – 11 PM: CSI: Miami

Canceled:

* Accidentally on Purpose
* Cold Case
* Gary Unmarried
* Ghost Whisperer
* Miami Medical
* The New Adventures of Old Christine
* Numb3rs

New at midseason:

* Still-untitled Criminal Minds spin-off: Academy Award-winner Forest Whitaker stars in a drama about an elite team of agents within the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit who use unconventional methods of investigation and aggressive tactics to capture the nation’s most nefarious criminals. Unit chief Special Agent Sam Cooper (Whitaker) is a mentally and physically fierce natural leader who is not afraid to put his career on the line in order to stand by his convictions.

Cooper strives to avoid political bureaucracy and has handpicked an eclectic group of profilers to work outside the confines of Quantico: Former British Special Forces soldier Mick Rawson (Matt Ryan), confident and handsome, works as a highly-skilled marksman with an undiluted eye for rooting out evil; John “Prophet” Sims (Michael Kelly), a former convict with a street-smart edge and a calm, Zen-like presence, who is determined to make amends for past sins; and Gina LaSalle (Beau Garrett), an attractive, tough agent armed with a cunning sense of perception. This exceptional group of FBI operatives is strong in their beliefs and steadfast in their mission to bring the country’s most dangerous criminals to justice. Chris Mundy, Edward Allen Bernero, Mark Gordon and Deborah Spera are executive producers.

Most enjoyable panel by a broadcast network: “Great Performances: Macbeth,” PBS.

I’ll freely admit that I was predisposed to enjoy the panel due to the fact that it featured the newly-knighted Sir Patrick Stewart, but I spoke to others afterwards who declared it to have been the best panel of the tour up to that point. Partial credit for the success goes to the critics in the audience, who consistently offered up intelligent questions about the subject matter at hand…and let me assure you that this is not always the case. Even on an occasion when an attempt at going in a unique direction fell flat, such as when one writer asked Stewart if he was familiar with FX’s “Sons of Anarchy” (it’s been called a Shakespearean saga on motorcycles), it led to the revelation that Ron Perlman has played an interesting place in Stewart’s life. “I was having dinner with Ron Perlman the day that I was offered Jean-Luc Picard in ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation,’” he said, ‘so I have always looked on Ron as being a lucky omen. So you mentioning his name today, I hope, means that the rest of the day is going to be brighter than it begin.” At the very least, Sir Patrick’s remarks during the panel brightened mine.

Most interactive panel by a cable network: “The Choir,” BBC America.

Gareth Malone is a man on a mission to bring music to those who may not think that they have an interest in it, creating choirs in various schools in England and helping the youth of today raise their voices in song. We soon discovered that this extended to television critics as well. “In England, everyone knows that when I enter a room, everyone’s going to sing,” Malone began ominously, “so I would like to invite you to leave your Apples and come up onto stage, and we’re going to have a little singsong.” The immediate reaction was less than enthusiastic, with at least one person piping up, “It’s against the bylaws!” Malone would not be denied, however. “It will be very brief,” he assured us. “I’ll be very, very, kind. I promise not to do opera. Honestly, it’s going to be very, very gentle. I promise. Risk it. There won’t be very much. Typists, abandon your typing!” In the end, he managed to get a couple of dozen of us up there…yes, I was among the huddled masses…to perform a not-as-bad-as-it-could’ve-been chorus of “Barbara Ann.” As there is neither an audio recording nor a YouTube clip to prove otherwise, you may feel free to believe that I personally sounded fantastic.

Best intro to a panel from a cable network: “Dance Your Ass Off,” Oxygen.

All I know about this show is what I’ve learned from watching clips on “The Soup,” but when a panel starts off by having its panelists literally dancing their way down the aisles and onto the stage, at the very least, it gets your attention.

Best stunt by a broadcast network during a panel: In order to keep the rumors in check about Simon Cowell’s reported departure from “American Idol,” the network’s executive session kicked off with Cowell coming onto the stage, announcing that he would be leaving “Idol” in favor of an American version of his hit British series, “The X Factor,” then proceeding to sign the paperwork to seal the deal right in front of us.

You know, I don’t watch “American Idol,” and I probably won’t watch “The X Factor,” either, but I have to admit: watching Simon sign those documents was one of those moments where I felt like I was witnessing TV history in the making. Granted, it’s because people will look back at it as the moment that most of America said, “Oh, man, now the show is really going to suck,” but, hey, it’s still history.

Best question asked during a cable network panel: The panel in question was for Animal Planet’s “Fatal Attractions,” a three-part miniseries which explores why some people are driven to bring dangerous, wild creatures like chimpanzees, big cats, and venomous reptiles right into their homes. The trailer for the program was decidedly disconcerting to just about everyone, I think, but it was Jonathan Storm of the Philadelphia Inquirer – the man who once kicked off a “Kardashians” panel by asking, “Who are you and why should we care about you?” – who got the mike first, and, boy, did he let his feelings show. “Where does this end?” he asked. “Here you have crazy people who take dangerous animals into their homes, and you’re going to present and tell their interesting stories…? Is there a point at which the behavior of the people that you are glorifying in these reality shows becomes so ridiculous that you will refuse to put it on, or is it simply a question of keeping your digital channel and making a little bit of money off of it?” Marjorie Kaplan, the President and General Manager of Animal Planet, looked like she’d had the wind knocked out of her, responding at first only with a flustered “My goodness!” She quickly recovered, however, arguing that “we are not trying to present outrageous things; we are telling stories that happen in the world.” Methinks, however, that Jonathan remained unconvinced.

Most common recurring question during the panels: “What do you think Conan should do?” / “What do you think of Conan’s letter?” Simon’s departure from “American Idol” was one thing, but it couldn’t touch the evolving Conan vs. Jay saga. The anticipation for NBC’s executive session was such that even Showtime’s Bob Greenblatt admitted in his opening remarks, “I’d love to get my temporary TCA card so that I could sit in,” so it was no surprise when Jeff Gaspin, chairman of NBC-Universal Television Entertainment, kicked things off by saying, “I see we have a full house. I heard there were some scalpers outside…”

While it was fun to watch Gaspin squirm (though, in fairness, he held his own pretty well), it became a full-fledged sport to see what kind of comments we could get from others about the late-night fracas, particularly folks on the same network.

* Greg Daniels, producer of “The Office” and “Parks and Recreation,” has been friends with Conan since their days on “The Simpsons,” so it stood to reason that someone would ask if he’d talked to his old buddy. “I spoke to Conan yesterday,” he said, “and he and I agreed that the ‘Parks and Rec’ panel at the TCA would be the most appropriate time and place to announce his plans.” He was kidding, of course…though I swear I heard some exasperated grunts when he admitted as much.

* Jerry Seinfeld was in the house to promote his new production, “The Marriage Ref,” and although he clearly has a long history in stand-up with Leno, I think it still surprised a lot of people when he asked rhetorically, “What did the network do to him? I don’t think anyone is preventing people from watching Conan. There’s no rules. Once they give you the cameras, it’s on you, so I can’t blame NBC for having to move things around.”

* “Oh, I hope to God he stays,” said NBC News’ Brian Williams, when I brought up the subject during the network’s all-star party. “We feel, I think, like east coast Irish-Catholic brothers. We came up and followed prominent people into our jobs and kind of came up at the same time. We talked about it a lot on the air. Conan’s got a great New England, almost blue-collar for a Harvard kid, work ethic. He drives himself hard, and I have just always found us to be kindred spirits. I love his sense of humor.”

* In a press scrum later during the aforementioned party, Chevy Chase – himself a veteran of the talk show wars (albeit one with a decidedly shorter period of service) – was typically outspoken, indicating that Conan was getting the shaft from NBC. “I think he’s too good for ‘The Tonight Show’ in terms of intellect,” he said, “and maybe too bad for it because of that, too. the way I look at it, from where I stand, Conan is getting screwed and it’s because of (NBC’s) long life relationship with Jay. I’m not saying Jay’s screwing him, because I wouldn’t deign to do that. I’m just saying, I don’t think he’s getting much respect, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he were gone. I think he’s too intelligent and too bright and funny and will find whatever he needs to find so he can do his sort of humor.”

A few days later, the shit really hit the fan…and, man, you cannot imagine the electricity that was coursing through the room when Conan dropped his hell-no-we-won’t-go letter bomb. (I swear, Bill Carter of The New York Times was literally glowing.) Bill Lawrence, producer of “Scrubs” and “Cougar Town,” was grinning from ear to ear when he brought it up during the ABC comedy show-runners panel, describing it as “ballsy.”

“I love it, man,” said Lawrence. “It’s just the way that I hoped it would go. What a talented dude, and I’m sure it’s going to lead to good things for him. It made me happy.”

Dude, you’re preaching to the choir.

Most promising new broadcast network program that I didn’t know anything about before going into the tour: “Code 58,” Fox.

In my defense, however, no one knew much about “Code 58” beyond the fact that it was going to star Bradley Whitford and Colin Hanks as an old-school cop and a modern-day detective…and we didn’t even know that much until the panel was being introduced. Even then, the series was presented with a parenthetical reminder that it’s in possession of a working title, which means that we don’t even know for sure that it is going to be called “Code 58.”

Fortunately, in a move reminiscent of NBC’s pre-premiere “Parks and Recreation” panel from the last January tour, Fox opted to pass out the script for the pilot to all attendees. Not only does the script make it seem as though the show has potential, but Whitford and Hanks were on fire during the panel, thanks in no small part to the amount of riffing opportunities provided by Whitford’s new ‘stache. “My growing this mustache,” mused Whitford, “I gotta say, it reminds me of a lot of the work DeNiro did in ‘Raging Bull.’’) Alas, we won’t know ‘til May how the end result will turn out, but my fingers are crossed.

Panelist most prone to talking in circles: Al Pacino, “You Don’t Know Jack” (HBO). When asked if doing an HBO movie felt any different than doing a theatrical release, Pacino replied, “Well, it’s television. It’s HBO, and so HBO is television. And television is you have to do a lot in a short period of time so that’s the difference, the only difference. Otherwise, it’s the same.” Oh, okay.

Then, on the matter of the film’s title, he said, “I don’t think a lot of people know can really say that they know Jack Kevorkian, especially when you get to know him or you get to get his read on things and get to know more about him. When you see the image that was portrayed of Jack Kevorkian during his time, and you get you get a sense of someone quite different than the personality that I got to know. Not that I got to know him personally, mind you, but just to the research I did and the work I did, in order to get closer to who I could sort of interpret. I think the title is apt because you don’t know this guy. And, hopefully, in the movie you still don’t.”

Al, I love you, but sometimes you make my head spin.

Best anecdote(s) during a panel: Louis C.K.

His new FX sitcom, “Louie,” offers a look into the stand-up comedian’s life as a divorced dad, showing both his interactions with his kids and his attempts to reenter the world of dating. During the course of the panel, he proceeded to tell a worst-case scenario situation from each side, and they were both pretty awesome.

On the topic of his worst date, Louis hemmed and hawed at first, explaining that pretty much all of his dates have been pretty bad. “Dating is horrible,” he said. “It’s awful. I don’t get it. It’s just…you’re standing there, going, ‘Hi, do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn’t?’ It’s horrible. And it’s awkward at 42 because I don’t have the body or the drive. I don’t have sex drive. I have sex sit-in-the-car-and-hope-somebody-gets-in. And I’m amongst young people, because most people my age aren’t dating unless there’s something wrong with them…like me.”

Finally, however, he conceded that maybe one of dates did kind of stand out. “I went out with a woman once,” he said, “and I flew her to New York City. I was living in Boston. I said, ‘Hey, I’m not going to tell you where we’re going,’ and I had this romantic image that we would get on the shuttle and go to New York and go to Tavern on the Green and then fly back, but it was just a debacle. The flights were delayed – y’know, security problems – and we got to New York really late, sat in a cab in Queens for about two hours, and Tavern on the Green…you can’t just walk in there. I’m an idiot. We got turned away. And I stand outside Tavern on the Green with her, going, ‘“I’m sorry, I guess I didn’t plan this well,’ and a pigeon shat directly on top of my head. Just a huge amount of shit. White pigeon shit. With black streaks.

“That one,” he admitted, “was pretty bad.”

Insofar as his kids were concerned, Louis focused on a moment with his daughter, and although you’ll soon see that the subject matter was, in general, about as unfunny as it gets, I couldn’t help but laugh, because as the father of a 4-year-old daughter, I’ve had to battle back from similar bouts of speechlessness in order to come up with a halfway intelligent answer to a very serious subject.

“I was on the subway with my daughter,” he said, “and she said to me that her friend in school told her that his grandparents were put in an oven during a war. And, I mean, this is the kind of high wire act parenting is, because you don’t get warned that you’re going to have this conversation. I’m just holding onto a strap, and she says (this), and I was like, ‘What the fuck?’ And she says, ‘Daddy, does that happen? Do people put each other in ovens?’ And what do you say, because you can’t just go, ‘No, your friend’s a liar.’ And you also can’t go, ‘Oh, yeah. That was Hitler, and just,” you know. And you also can’t just go, ‘Yeah, that happens sometimes. You never know. Sometimes somebody will grab you and shove you in an oven.’ So she’s standing there, waiting, and you have to come up with the thing. And what I ended up saying was…like, to me, with my daughter, it’s always the truth. I try to tell her the truth. And so I told her the truth, which was, ‘I don’t know what to say to you about this right now.’ I said, ‘I’m not sure you should know about it. If you really want to know, I’ll tell you.’ I was just buying time while my brain was working behind me. But she said, ‘Yeah, don’t tell me yet.’ She’s smart, but she doesn’t need to know about Hitler yet. She was six years old when this happened. How do you take a kid from Santa Claus to the evil of Hitler and Stalin and all that shit? I don’t know.”

I don’t know, either, of course, but I know that Louis should be very proud of his daughter: not every little girl would allow their father to retain his dignity in such a manner, let alone give him a story that he can use during the TCA tour.

Largest panel that really only needed to consist of two people: “The Pacific,” HBO. Surely the network knew full well that the cast of this upcoming WWII miniseries weren’t going to be asked nearly as many questions as its producers, Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg, but it was a pleasant surprise to find Hanks taking the reins of the panel as often as not. He tackled the first question – about the differences between this program and its predecessor, “Band of Brothers” – with the seriousness it warranted, but when the second question was posed, he began, “If I can be so bold to continue talking and not let anybody else have a moment…”

Spielberg soon managed to find his way into the conversation with some frequency as well, though he and Hanks often slipped into Abbott and Costello mode when trying to determine who was going to get to answer a question.

Tom Hanks: Go ahead.
Steven Spielberg: You go.
Tom Hanks: No, no, no. Go ahead, because I’ll pontificate for an hour and a half. I’m going to sound like Ricky Gervais in 20 minutes.
Steven Spielberg: Now I can’t follow up, because I was going to get really serious here
Tom Hanks: Oh, please.

When Spielberg cracked a joke about how they maintained their relationship with HBO because the network gave them a lot of money, Hanks added, “I’m going to assume that all you cracked members of the fourth estate can appreciate sarcasm when it comes your way.” With that assumption made, he then later claimed that the network had approached them about continuing their collaboration by saying, “We are more successful, we make more money than all the commercial networks combined, we’ve got $250 million to blow. Do you want to do anything with it?”

Eventually, fellow producer Gary Goetzman acknowledged that he and his fellow panelists knew their place in the proceedings and, as such, weren’t even trying to answer any of the questions. “Why would we?” he asked. “We’ve got Steven and Tom!”

Best opening line from any interview that I did during the tour: Jonathan Demme. I opened by telling him that I was a huge fan of his Robyn Hitchcock concert film, “Storefront Hitchcock.” His reply: “I love you very much.”

Best one-on-one interview with a fabricated American: Warren the Ape. I hope to talk to him at greater length before his new MTV series premieres, but in the meantime, I’ll always have these moments to treasure.

Best one-on-one interview with a human: Patrick Stewart. And, believe me, no other human even comes close.

We were originally only supposed to chat for ten minutes, but when his publicist came back to check on us at the 10-minute mark, we’d talked solely about Shakespeare, so I asked if I could ask him a couple of questions about his work in comedy. The next thing I knew, I’d virtually doubled my interview time and was left reeling from the fact that not only he was telling me about how much he enjoyed the “Phil McCracken, Scottish Therapist” sketch he’d done on “Saturday Night Live,” he’d actually launched into the character for a line or two.

It’s a testament to Stewart’s career that it wasn’t until I stood up to leave that I finally managed to mention “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” Turns out we both have the same favorite episode: “The Inner Light.” You know, I knew there was a reason I liked that guy…

Most unnecessary event by a cable network: TV Guide Network’s “‘Curb’ Your Appetite” Luncheon, which the network staged mostly to let critics know that they’d soon be running “Curb Your Enthusiasm” reruns, throwing in a reminder about their then-upcoming Golden Globes coverage. Yes, it was nice to see Cheryl Hines, and her remarks about the experience of working with Larry David were entertaining enough, but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one who beat a hasty retreat as soon as they’d finished their meal. I kind of wanted to talk to Hines for a minute, but it wasn’t worth having to feign interest in chatting with the network’s red-carpet regulars, Carrie Ann Inaba and Chris Harrison.

Best party by a cable network: the Discovery Networks’ 25th anniversary reception.

Even though there isn’t a single 100%absolute-must-see series for me anywhere within the Discovery family of networks, there was just way too much going on at this function for me to give the award to anyone else. There was barbeque and ribs from the guys from “BBQ Pitmasters,” cupcakes from the “Cake Boss,” and a huge cast of characters from the various series, including Ed Begley, Jr., Bill Nye, Stacey and Clinton from “What Not to Wear,” the Little Couple, and – courtesy of Animal Planet, of course – a baby giraffe who was quite happy to accept some leaves or even a pat on the nose.

On a side note, this was also the event which found me witnessing one of the funniest moments of the tour, but I’d feel guilty if I called out the person who was involved, as she’s such a complete sweetheart. As such, I will only say this: if you’re about to approach someone who you think is Adam Savage from “Mythbusters” but not you’re not 100% sure it’s them, be sure to lead by asking, “Are you the guy from ‘Mythbusters’?” Because if it turns out they’re actually Mikey from “American Chopper,” it could be really embarrassing.

The party by a broadcast network that I was clearly supposed to think was awesome, even though I was personally only “meh” to it: CBS’s gala to celebrate the 10th anniversary of “Survivor.”

I am assured by the network’s press release that it was the largest gathering of former “Survivor” contestants ever, but if I’m to be honest, I’ve only ever watched one episode of the show (the season finale of the first season), and the only person I had any real interest in meeting – Rudy Boesch – is from my area, anyway, so it’s not like I had to fly to California to accomplish that. Still, I did remember a buddy of mine telling me that Jonny Fairplay from Season 7 was from Danville, VA, where I went to college, so I approached him and told him that I’d attended Averett University. He replied, “Oh, so you paid too much for your education, huh?” He then proceeded to reply to my request for a photo with the following pose:

That’s right, Jonny, keep it classy. You’ve got a reputation to keep up, after all.

Best all-star party by a broadcast network: Fox. You know how you can tell Fox is #1? The open bar at their all-star party offered 18-year-old Scotch.

I wasn’t the only one impressed by this, either: by evening’s end, I was getting tips on the proper way to drink the beverage by Tyler Labine (soon to be starring in “Sons of Tucson”), a scenario made even more surreal by the fact that he was imparting me with this wisdom with Tim Roth sitting next to him. I’ve been led to understand that I might’ve been less impressed with the festivities if my goal had been to talk to the kids from “Glee,” since most of them were apparently in possession of personal publicists who were trying to shield them from conversations lasting longer than 60 seconds. Personally, though, I had a blast.

Best cocktail party by a broadcast network: CBS. I might’ve been indifferent to the “Survivor” function, but CBS really came through for me by kicking off the first night of the tour with “Drinks with the DiNozzos,” an “NCIS”-themed cocktail soiree which served to spotlight the then-upcoming 150th episode of the series.

The pluralization of Michael Weatherly’s character’s last name was due to the appearance of the man who played Tony’s father in the episode: Robert Wagner. As someone who grew up worshiping at the altar of “Hart to Hart,” just being able to meet RJ – it’s totally cool to call him that, btw – was enough of a thrill for me, but as ever, it was wonderful to once again see my photo buddy, Pauley Perrette, who remains one of the sweetest people I’ve met during the course of my TCA tour experiences. I also had the opportunity to speak with Cote de Pablo (Ziva) for a few minutes, as well as to ask executive producer Shane Brennan about the challenges of making southern California look like the Hampton Roads area of Virginia, but the best bit definitely came when I was chatting with Wagner and Weatherly together.

When I told Weatherly that I hailed from Norfolk, he said, “I might’ve told you this one before, Will, but…hey, RJ, I’ve got a joke for you.” He then launched into a joke which, rather than relate in full, I’ll just tell you that the punchline was, indeed, “Norfolk, Virginia,” with the second half of “Norfolk” pronounced with a decidedly obscene inflection. We all had a good laugh, I turned off my recorder, and as the conversation closed, Wagner and Weatherly decided to work out their golf plans for the next day.

“Now,” said Wagner, “you should go home to your wife.”

“What are you going to do, RJ?” asked Weatherly…and RJ, with a perfectly deadpan expression, told him rather explicitly what he was planning to go do. Immediately after doing so, however, he adopted a horrified look, and I watched his eyes move from Weatherly down to my recorder.

“Oh, no, don’t worry,” I said. “I turned that off back at ‘Norfolk, Virginia.'”

RJ roared with laughter and clapped me on the shoulder. “You’re a good man,” he said, then strolled off to, I can only presume, do exactly what he’d said he was going to do, the lucky bastard.

I should add that, while this was the first thing that I attended after arriving in Pasadena, it wasn’t the first event of the tour. It was actually the third. I’d planned to attend all three, but…well, therein lies a tale.

Biggest disappointment of the tour: missing the opportunity to visit the sets of ABC’s “FlashForward” and NBC’s “Community.” Since I live in Virginia and don’t always have the opportunities afforded by my L.A.-based peers, I’m always excited by the prospect of a visit to the set of a TV show. The idea of hitting the “FlashForward” set was intriguing, given that the show’s had some turmoil, but since I’d declared “Community” to be my favorite new series of the 2009 fall season, I was really psyched at the thought of touring the campus of Greendale Community College. Heck, I’d even checked in with my Facebook friend Yvette Nicole Brown to tell her to keep an eye out for me! As such, when I arrived at the airport in Newport News and got word that my flight was delayed such that I would likely miss my connecting flight in Atlanta, you can probably guess how crestfallen I was. Still, I am a professional, so I sucked it up and only wept openly for about five or ten minutes. Later, one of my peers told me that the cast of “Community” made them laugh ‘til they cried, and I rationalized that I’d been given the opportunity to cut to the chase and avoid all of that time-consuming laughter.

Most awesome visit to the set of a network show: “How I Met Your Mother.” Although it’s tempting to include “Glee,” particularly since both Lea Michelle (Rachel) and Amber Riley (Mercedes) gave us phenomenal performances of “Maybe This Time” and “Don’t Make Me Over,” respectively, I cannot describe the trip to the set of “How I Met Your Mother” as anything but legen…wait for it, and I hope you’re not lactose-intolerant…dary. Not only we were treated to breakfast while sitting in McClaren’s (or, at least, on the set of it, anyway), but we were witness to the cast’s table read for an upcoming episode (“Hooked”), and although Carrie Underwood was unavailable to read her part (she plays Ted’s new girlfriend), Bob Saget turned up to read his narration in person.

Cheapest thrill of the tour: shaking hands with Alyson Hannigan after the “How I Met Your Mother” table read.

I’ve always been a sucker for a redhead, but, c’mon, this is a redhead who manages to be both cute as a button and sexy as hell…which is, for the record, why she’s one of very few actresses who could successfully play a kindergarten teacher who loves porn.

I was so caught up in my enjoyment of the table read…seriously, it’s one of the funniest episode this season…that I managed to resist blatantly staring at her, but when things wrapped up, even though we were being hustled back to the bus, I couldn’t resist going up to her to shake her hand, thank her, and tell her that I’d had a great time. I realize I’m reading between the lines here, since all she did was smile and say, “Oh, thanks,” but I’m pretty sure it was good for her, too.

Coolest moment of the tour that had to be seen to be appreciated: Chevy Chase doing a double-take when he turned around to do an interview with me.

Most awesome live performance of the tour: Nope, it’s not the “Glee” kids here, either. It’s Mary Chapin Carpenter, who turned up to help hype PBS’s upcoming airing of Rounder Records’ 40th Anniversary Concert.

Like the majority of her fans, I came aboard with the release of Come On Come On, so the fact that she opened with “The Hard Way” and closed with “Passionate Kisses” was enough to make the evening worthwhile for me, but he also threw in some songs from her more recent records, along with two tracks from a forthcoming release that were good enough to make me want to pre-order it the moment the house lights came up.

Best off-site visit that was in no way connected to the tour: Pie ‘n’ Burger. I can’t vouch for any other items on the menu, but if the goal of this Pasadena institution was to name themselves after two things that they make spectacularly well, then, by God, they succeeded in spades.

I actually ended up hitting this fabled joint on two occasions – first with one of my closest friends and her beau, then again with some of my compatriots from Popdose.com when, even after a delicious and filling Mexican dinner, my description of the pie proved far too tempting a lure to resist – but it was my initial trip which resulted in concrete proof that I can’t escape from the TCA even when I try.

Within five minutes of sitting down for a well-done cheeseburger and a piece of coconut meringue pie, Jorge Garcia, a.k.a. Hurley from “Lost,” strolled in. Guess I wasn’t the only one who was disappointed by ABC’s decision to take a pass on offering an evening event. Fortunately, we both found solace at the Pie ‘N’ Burger.

Best in-joke amongst a small handful of TCA members: Zombie Harry Chapin. There is very possibly no way to make this funny to anyone who either wasn’t part of the original conversation or doesn’t enjoy zombie humor, but I’ll give it a shot.

It all started with someone in the midst of the panel / performance for PBS’s “Rounder Records 40th Anniversary Concert” forgetting the name of the actual performer, Mary Chapin Carpenter, and asking if it was Harry Chapin playing. After explaining that Harry Chapin had been dead for almost 30 years, someone began to riff on the idea that we would soon be seeing a rare concert appearance by none other than Zombie Harry Chapin. Soon, we began to consider ZHC’s possible between-song patter (“Here… another… song… about… brains…”), and by the time the Golden Globes had rolled around, we were imagining how he might accept his award. (“Zombie… Harry… Chapin… not… know… where… to… begin…”).

Rather than ending with the tour, this strange one-note joke has since expanded to include a Facebook presence (Zombie Harry Chapin – Official Fan Group), and with the recent announcement that AMC has greenlit a pilot based on Robert Kirkland’s zombie comic, “The Walking Dead,” I have every reason to believe that Zombie Harry Chapin is poised for global domination…but, then, what else would you expect a zombie to do?

Funniest case of mistaken identity than was funnier to me than the other person involved: Right before I left, I had a copy of David Bianculli’s new book, “Dangerously Funny: The Uncensored Story of the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour,” sent to me at the hotel, but although it was scheduled to have arrived on the first Monday, it never made it to my room.

I went down to the front desk and asked about it, and they said that, yes, it had arrived, yet no one could seem to figure out where it had gone. I said, “Well, it’s not in my room, and it’s not in the TCA suite, so I’m pretty sure I can guess where it is.” You see, there’s a suspicious character in the TCA who goes by the name of Bill Harris. He writes for the Toronto Sun and, owing to his encyclopedic knowledge of all things “Simpsons,” he refers to me as “Senor Spielbergo,” since I’m his non-union American equivalent. I told the concierge, “I guarantee it was accidentally delivered to his room.”

Within a few minutes, there came a knock at my hotel room door, and it was a hotel employee holding the book in one hand and the press release and envelope in the other. “You were right, sir,” he said. “It was delivered to him. He wasn’t in his room, so I just went ahead and picked it up. Unfortunately, he’d already opened it. I hope that’s all right.” Stifling a laugh, I thanked him, then sat down and composed an apologetic E-mail to Bill entitled “The Case of the Mysterious Disappearing Book,” explaining that he could request a copy of the book from the publicist. He accepted the apology, but he admitted, “That’s just not nearly as much fun as getting your copy.”

Best trend of the tour: confirming that Facebook has helped me create friendships rather than just fly-by-night encounters. Okay, that sounds dirty, so let me clarify that a little bit. As a work-at-home writer who sits in front of his computer all day, it’s somewhat of a given that I tend to frequent Facebook on a way-too-regular basis, but in order to feel a little less guilty about it, I tend to befriend folks I’ve interviewed, publicists that I regularly deal with, and, of course, my fellow TV critics. As a result, I felt more a part of the TCA tour than ever before, and it was awesome.

Worst trend of the tour: actors with belligerent or just plain rude personal publicists. The problem with complaining about this issue, however, is that you don’t know for sure if the problem is really the publicist. It’s possible that the actor has simply given the publicist specific instructions to be the bad cop. I have heard through the grapevine, however, that the network publicists are generally no more thrilled with the personal publicists than we are. It doesn’t change anything, but, hey, at least we both get someone to commiserate with.

And on that note, allow me to close with…

The If-You-Don’t-Want-To-Be-Here-Then-Why-Don’t-You-Get-The-Hell-Out-Already? Award: Jerry Seinfeld. After offering up an entertaining performance during the panel for NBC’s new reality show, “The Marriage Ref,” on which he’s serving as an executive producer, Jerry decided to take up residence in a little alcove within the area serving as the location of the network’s all-star party. Sounds great, except for one thing: he apparently decided from the get-go that he wasn’t going to be doing any interviews.

When I first spotted him, nestled in his little hideaway, he was having a bit of wine with Chevy Chase, but when Chevy departed to fulfill his own publicity duties, I approached the gentleman hovering on the fringes of Jerry’s private area and, as there were no other writers nearby at the moment, politely asked if I could just ask Jerry two questions. The gentleman said, “I don’t think so, but just a moment.” He leaned over and talked momentarily to a woman who I cannot definitively identify (but who others seemed to think was Seinfeld’s missus), then returned to me and said, “No, I’m afraid not. He’s very tired.”

Really, Jerry? Sorry, but at the risk of maintaining the status quo and never getting an interview, I really feel as though I have to ask: why did you bother to attend the party in the first place? It’s not as though it was held as a social event. It was a working function for the television critics to chat with the cast and producers of NBC-Universal’s new series. If you wanted to have drinks with Chevy, then the least you could’ve done was go somewhere where your presence wasn’t serving solely to taunt the critics with the possibility of an interview that they were never gonna get.

Hear me and hear me well: the day will come…oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld…your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face, and I’ll be there in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!

By the way, I totally stole that last bit from the “Seinfeld” finale, but, oddly enough, I think the sentiment works just fine here, too.

Within the format itself, the whole concept of reality TV must surely have been the biggest revolution of the decade. It’s really easy to bag on reality TV – mostly because the bulk of it is so damned unreal – but anybody who spends any time in front of the tube has surely had at least a couple of reality series they consider appointment TV. The two concepts that paved the way for everything else are undoubtedly “Survivor” and “American Idol.” The former, of course, opened the floodgates for the genre, and while it’s seen a considerable dip in the ratings department over the years, 12 million viewers isn’t a viewing figure to sneeze at. The latter, despite all the bitching and moaning and cries of “it’s not as good as it used to be” that accompany each new season, remains one of the most watched shows on the tube, likely due to the fact that it’s strictly a talent competition.

On “American Idol,” the only backstabbers are the judges, and since they aren’t part of the competition, their amusing duplicity is championed. The contestants, on the other hand, are innocents, and once the competition is underway, we’re given no peek into any possible backstage drama, which is a good thing, because by the time the audition rounds are over, we’ve had enough drama to last the whole season. Everything that comes after is all about who can best transfix us for three minutes a week via one pop ditty. It actually says something positive about the U.S. that “American Idol” remains our #1 form of reality entertainment, even if the actual reality is that the vast majority of Americans couldn’t care less about buying the winner’s album six months after they’re crowned.

You might think reality TV is a bunch of crap, and in most cases you’d be right, but the whole idea of it, to my mind, led to an important revolution, and that is serialized nighttime television (the classic “soap” formula notwithstanding). Reality shows taught viewers how to become invested in characters, how to be concerned for their eventual fate, and, most importantly, how to pay attention to an ongoing storyline, and the need to tune in every week. It didn’t take long for the networks to figure out that there was an audience for shows that didn’t continually hit the reset button. “24” must have been the first successful show of the decade to embrace the serial formula, and it embraced it whole hog. It required you to tune in for every episode, because each installment was another hour of a single day in the life of Kiefer Sutherland’s Jack Bauer. That “24” premiered less than two months after the terrorist attacks on 9/11 was pure happenstance. That it became enormously popular with viewers? Probably not so much. America needed some fictitious reassurance that there were folks on the job who could get shit done, and “24” filled the prescription.

Strangely, “24” didn’t open the network floodgates for more such programming right away. It took a few years, and then “Lost” made its mark. The number of “Lost” episodes I’ve seen could be counted on two hands, but that’s not because I didn’t like it, but because real life got in the way of it being appointment TV. Yet I viewed the pilot for “Lost” several months before its 2004 premiere, and when it ended I was convinced that I’d seen the second best TV pilot ever made. (“Twin Peaks” stills sits at #1.) The fact that a show as intricate as “Lost” still has a hardcore, central audience is perhaps a testament to that pilot. “24” started a new story with each new season; “Lost” required that you tune in for every episode of every season.

Another sci-fi series that did just that was “Battlestar Galactica,” a show that, due it being on a niche network (Syfy), never amassed a huge audience yet snagged boatloads of publicity and awareness nonetheless. It was no small feat to take an utterly laughable short-lived series from the late ‘70s and re-envision it for modern audiences, but Ron Moore and company did just that…and they did it far more successfully that anyone ever guessed possible. Most amazingly, the show taught us a lot about ourselves, by thoroughly defining what it means to be human, and as the damaged ‘00s dragged on, there may not have been a more important lesson to be learned.

On the same day I saw the “Lost” pilot, I saw another pilot for a completely different kind of series. While I didn’t rank it as one of the greats, there was one thing I was sure of: it would be a massive hit…and it was. “Desperate Housewives” was precisely the sort of vapid, soapy fare that had been absent for far too long on American TV. It clued into the seemingly bland suburban construct which surrounds so many Americans, via the Lynchian notion that “all is not what it seems.” Most anyone who lives a suburban life can no doubt relate to that idea, because wherever there are groups of people, there are bound to be some of them that are fucked up. “Housewives” is littered with fucked up suburbanites of all shapes, sizes and types, but they’re kooky and funny and there’s always some twinkly music playing in the background that in the end makes everything OK. It is not great television, but over the years it has, for the most part, been immensely watchable in the most disposable sort of way.

Around the same time period as “Housewives,” “Grey’s Anatomy,” made some major waves. It’s a series I have never watched and never plan to, but I’d be foolish to omit it from discussion since it brought two annoyingly obnoxious terms to the TV table: McDreamy and McSteamy. I haven’t heard either in a few years, but there was a time when they seemed to define everything that was wrong with television. I assume “Grey’s” fans have grown out of it…or maybe the show killed one of those guys off? I’ve no idea and can’t be motivated to investigate. Presently, there’s a brand new version of it going around, through cinema, via Camp Edward and Camp Nimrod. People can be so easily distracted it makes you wonder why some shows actually try harder.

Speaking of trying harder, it’s a good time to bring up some cable shows, otherwise I’m going to lose about 90% of the readers – only people who appreciate cable fare are likely to be on the net reading an article like this in the first place. “The Sopranos.” Jeez, what can possibly be said that hasn’t been said already? It turned pay-TV into a must-have for millions, and proved that there was a huge audience for an ongoing series with gratuitous nudity, violence and bad language. Of course David Chase’s baby wasn’t just tits, blood and variations on the word fuck – it was also a deep exploration of the human condition. You didn’t have to be a gangster to identify with Tony Soprano’s problems – you just had to understand them, which wasn’t a tall order since most of his dilemmas had nothing to do with offing people. The show rearranged the mafia formula so methodically, that it’s presented a serious challenge for any like-minded material that’s come since. It’s too soon to proclaim the definitive TV series of the ‘00s, but were I placing bets on what folks would say 20 years from now, I’d put my money on this one.

Fans of “The Wire,” would tell me I’m insane with the previous assertion, but since every time I’ve tried to watch “The Wire” I’ve fallen asleep, I’ve no basis for an argument. The thing is, the people I know who worship “The Wire” (and for some it really is a fucking religion) are the smartest, most well-read and educated, witty and interesting folk in my life. I’m probably a boob for not “getting it,” but I’m willing to bet there are quite a few other “boobs” reading these words, nodding in agreement. “The Wire” must be engaging, literate television…that was so niche it failed to capture a huge audience. The thing is, “Wire” fanatics, not everyone “gets” your show, no matter how damn good it is. You know how I know this? My two favorite shows of the ‘00s – both of which I believe to be incredible examples of TV – are “Doctor Who” and “Farscape,” and yet I know better than to showcase them in this piece, because it quite simply wouldn’t make any sense to do so, as neither of them had any real impact on American culture. “The Wire,” however, probably made some very relevant statements on certain segments of our culture, which is why I’ve devoted this much space to it. It’s too bad the general public didn’t bother to tune in and care. Maybe there wasn’t enough tits and ass?

There was plenty of tit and ass on another HBO series that captured a great deal of attention, and that was “Sex and the City.” This one I’ve seen far too much of, and I’ve no hesitation in saying that while “The Wire” made me comatose, and its fans may have driven me up the wall, “Sex and the City” made my blood boil, and its fans are some of the most clueless I’ve come across in all my TV watching years. Here’s the thing with this show: These women are not meant to be emulated. They are not just bad examples of women, they are bad examples of human beings. Some folks made the same mistake by rooting for Tony Soprano, only David Chase had the good sense to eventually call them on the carpet for it. The people who made this show never did any such thing, even though I’m fucking positive they damn well know better. If you think Carrie Bradshaw is an encouraging role model, then I hope you enjoy living alone for the rest of your life, because that’s exactly what’s going to happen if you choose to behave as she did in this series. Since the show has miraculously moved on to successful movies – proving that its disciples are more slavish than any fan base outside of “Star Trek” – it begs to have a happy ending sooner or later. And unless the writers dig way down deep and drag these women through the muck all the way to a reasonable sense of enlightenment – it’s going to be horribly hollow. There was, quite simply, no show that was more evil and insidious in the past decade than this one. Not even “According to Jim.”

Lest you think that outside of “The Sopranos” I’ve a hatred for all things HBO, that’s hardly the case. Even with my opinions of “The Wire” and “Them Clueless Bitches in NY,” there’s no question that HBO uniformly provided the finest entertainment of the decade. There have been times when critics have championed Showtime as “the new HBO,” yet I couldn’t come up with a single series from that network that really mattered. Oh, they’ve tried, but if the cream of their crop is “Dexter” and “Weeds,” they’ve got a long way to go before catching up to Home Box Office (a phrase that’s all but forgotten, yet is perhaps more descriptive than ever). “Six Feet Under” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” are two series that have had a lot to say about the people we are/were in the ‘00s: The former through its deep exploration of fractured and problematic humanity, and the latter though its shallow exploration of fractured and problematic humanity. I miss “Six Feet Under” immensely, although it ended at a perfectly reasonable point. I look forward to more “Curb” because it has no clue where to end; hopefully Larry David will keep coming back to it every few years until either he dies, or runs out of straw men to bash.

“Curb” is damn funny. Wish I could say that about more comedies in the ‘00s, but the humor was scattered and inconsistent. As far as the defining comedy of the decade? That’s a tough one to assign, since nearly every single offering seemed to appeal to a different kind of audience, but the honor should probably go to “The Office.” Here’s a show that, given the track record of translated Britcoms, should not have worked, and yet it did, and continues to do so. I’m not sure exactly what “The Office” has to say about the typical workplace, because I haven’t done that sort of work in years, yet it still largely manages to be a scream on the occasions I bother to tune in, which is, admittedly, maybe once every six or so weeks (chances are if I tuned in every week I’d have gotten sick of it a long time ago).

Probably the most influential comedy of the past ten years was “Arrested Development,” and it also happened to be the most prescient: George Bluth, Sr. was Bernie Madoff long before the phrase “Ponzi scheme” entered our everyday vernacular. The series has a devoted following that continues to demand a movie followup that they may never even see (but we’ve got our fingers crossed, even if the storyline revolves around George Michael’s funeral).

Fox discovered it could build a Sunday night empire on animated fare outside of “The Simpsons” by bringing back a series in ‘05 that it’d cancelled in ‘02. “Family Guy” may not be the definitive comedy of the ‘00s, but it must be one of, if not the most popular. It’s been amazing to watch comeback kid Seth McFarlane conquer the world through sheer idiocy, and one wonders exactly what sort of Faustian deal was made, and which supernatural deity has such a warped sense of humor.

Comedy Central’s “South Park” remains the go-to series for pissing people off, and rare is the season that goes by without some kind of shitstorm erupting from the questionable content presented by Messrs. Parker and Stone. Again, here’s a show I never really got into, but probably not for any reason you’d guess: I simply get bored by the cutout animation style, and it visually fails to hold my attention. One of my editors, however, was quite insistent that it be included here, which seemed a reasonable directive, especially given how often it’s been a focal point for controversy and discussion.

Also on Comedy Central we’ve seen the rise of “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart,” a comedic take on daily events that for many has turned into an actual source of news, which in itself says something more profound about our country than anything I can possibly come up with. But I ask you, who presents a more reasonable version of the day’s events – Stewart or Glenn Beck? Sometimes the only thing left to do is laugh, because nothing’s really funny anymore. Something should be said about the show’s previous host, Craig Kilborn, but it would fall on mostly deaf ears, as nobody either cares or remembers that “The Daily Show” ever even had another host. (See also “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.”)

“The Colbert Report” is a spinoff of “The Daily Show,” and a lot of people are fervent believers in Stephen Colbert’s mock brand of conservatism. Occasionally, you get the awful sensation that some of them might not realize that it’s all a big joke, but rest assured it is. Mind you, I say that even though the joke has always escaped me, but then again, I love “Real Time with Bill Maher,” so what do I know?

Actually, one thing I do know for sure is that Americans love their fictitious cops, doctors and lawyers. We can’t get enough of idealizing these three professions that in real life we fear and/or hate. Noteworthy legal dramas were on the lean side in the ‘00s, and with a half a dozen versions of “Law & Order” (a concept that has the cojones to showcase all three professions to varying degrees) on the schedule, it’s perhaps unsurprising that lawyers especially got the short end of the TV stick. Regardless, “Boston Legal,” was a fantastically entertaining series that was never shy on opinion. During its run (’04-’08), it managed to do an exhaustive job of chronicling the political and social landscape as seen through the eyes of two very different lawyers – über liberal Alan Shore (James Spader) and extremist conservative Denny Crane (William Shatner). The show was clearly aimed at folks who wanted to think, which is probably why it never amassed a huge audience.

On the cop front – or indeed on any front – there was no show people tuned in for en masse more than “CSI.” Man, this thing was a ratings monster, and it even spawned two successful spinoffs. Of course, the central characters aren’t actually cops, but rather criminologists, but since they’re investigating and solving crime, they might as well be. The concept likely paved the way for all sorts of other successful fare such as, but not limited to, “NCIS” and “Criminal Minds,” as well as their current and future spinoffs.

The best cop drama of the ‘00s was “The Shield,” and it was a huge step forward for the genre, since it didn’t ask us to love its morally bankrupt central character, Vic Mackey (Michael Chiklis), and yet the intricate study of this man made it very difficult not to relate to him on some level. For perhaps the first time in a cop drama, we saw an officer of the law (actually several) faced with all the temptations we assume cops are presented with on a daily basis; sometimes they indulged, sometimes not. Either way it went down, for the first couple of seasons especially, the damn thing felt so real.

If “The Shield” was the most real cop show of the decade, then “Monk” was the most absurd, but it never pretended to be anything other than a whimsical presentation of criminal investigation. In lieu of delivering a fascinating storyline, “Monk” delivered a fascinating central character, brought to life by Tony Shalhoub. This past weekend saw the end of “Monk,” which was heartbreaking and uplifting simultaneously, and yet it was an ending for a lengthy ongoing series that snagged little press. People won’t realize how much they’re missing “Monk” until it’s been off the air for a few years. This is the kind of show of which we’ll see TV-movie followups in the coming years; Shalhoub, much like Peter Falk before him, will never escape this character.

Then there are the doctors. Resting uncomfortably at the top is Hugh Laurie who stars as “House.” I personally have some major reservations about this show, but I’d be a damn fool to not realize its power to entertain, and much like “Monk,” the show wouldn’t work without the talents of its central star driving the bus. There’s no question that the man just inhabits this character, and adding to the equation is the fact that, once again, it’s a bold new stab at a tired genre. The idea of taking the medical cases for which nobody has the solution is a grand one, and episodes typically feel more like mysteries than medical drama. The other great series of the ‘00s that revolved around surgery turned out to be not so great after all.

FX’s “Nip/Tuck” charged out of the gate, and its first two seasons rewrote the book on what TV doctors could be. During that period, it felt like we were watching TV history unfold, and we probably were. Too bad that book ended up being more of a novella. Here I am watching the show’s sixth season every single week, mostly because the end is nigh and Episode 100, which, as I understand it, airs in March of ’10, will be the finale. (If the show had no end in sight, I’d have given up some time ago.) Surely there must not have been a series this decade that showed more promise in the beginning, and then went so disastrously south so quickly? I suppose there’s a lesson to be learned here about making tit jobs the central draw of your series – or perhaps knife-wielding madmen are just not the best course of action to take when telling this kind of story. In any case, flawed though it is, you gotta give credit to the show for saying everything there is to say about the previously unexplored topic of plastic surgery.

Speaking of madmen, let’s wrap all this up with “Mad Men,” a series I was reluctant to mention here, yet two people on the Bullz-Eye staff suggested it as being important to this piece. The main reason I didn’t see it as worthy of inclusion is because, even with three seasons under its belt, the show still feels as if it’s in its infancy. Perhaps this is my problem, as I don’t see that the series has properly defined its mission as of yet. It’s a period piece and when I watch it, I wonder, “How will these characters react to disco?” Yes, that proposition is ludicrous, yet I’m unable to see a proper end for this story, and I’m not sure how it fits into this decade any more than it will fit into the next. But I have a feeling that the deepest parts of the series have yet to be presented, and that much of what we’ve seen over the past three years has been a sort of buildup. Matthew Weiner cut his teeth on scripts for “The Sopranos,” and even though the first few years of that series had massive amounts of greatness, the show delivered some of its finest, most definitive and thought-provoking material in the last two seasons. I’m hoping that Weiner took some notes from David Chase.