That was fast. Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger are out, as is host Steve Jones.

Simon Cowell and L.A. Reed will stay.

Last night’s season finale of “American Idol” had a bit of everything. It even had another somewhat surprising ending, at least from where I sit. Ryan Seacrest promised that there would be a few tributes to outbound Simon Cowell during the night, and there were. But here is how the rest of the show went down, and we’ll sum it up as quickly as we can:

The Season 9 Top 12 sang Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out” and once we saw the school kids dressed like Alice Cooper we knew the man himself would make an appearance and he did. But he didn’t sound very good.

Last season’s champ, Kris Allen, sang his single “The Truth”…it was a B-plus performance

Then came the first of the Simon Cowell tributes, followed by Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly doing The Bee Gees’ “How Deep Is Your Love,” during which the two living Bee Gees (Barry and Robin Gibb) came out and performed with them. That was cool, but they didn’t sound great either.

Michael Lynche came out and sang The Doobie Brothers’ “Takin’ It To the Streets,” and Michael McDonald joined him on stage. McDonald sounded great in spots, not so great in others.

Dane Cook did a tribute to Simon Cowell and I’ll say it again…this guy is absolutely not funny at all. He never is and I don’t get it!

Lacey Brown and Didi Benami started Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” and were joined by the other women from this season, and then finally by Christina, who wound up finishing with a song by herself. Man, can that girl belt it. The finalists from this season had to be thinking, “holy crap.”

Then Lee and the other guys started a Hall & Oates medley and were joined by Daryl Hall and John Oates. Those guys sounded very good.

Then a quick check in with former contestants Janell Wheeler in Crystal’s hometown of Toledo and Matt Rogers in Lee’s hometown near Chicago.

Crystal came out and sang Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic” and was joined by Alanis herself. That was pretty cool, but the two of them walking around nervously on stage was hard to watch.

Carrie Underwood sang her new single, “Undo It,” co-written by Carrie with judge Kara DioGuardi. I’m happy to report that we forwarded through this entire performance.

Then Kris Allen presented two custom-decorated Fords to both Lee and Crystal, and they could not have looked more unenthusiastic. Pretty funny stuff.

Then came one of the night’s great moments…..Casey James started strumming and singing Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” and I got chills as I knew what was coming….Bret Michaels. He got one of the biggest ovations of the night and rightly so, as the man battled for his life with a brain hemorrhage this past month. And he was just crowned the “Celebrity Apprentice” a few nights ago!

Then Lee Dewyze performed with the band Chicago to symbolize his roots. Yawn.

Another great moment in the show’s history followed, as General Larry Platt returned to sing “Pants on the Ground,” complete with dancers and a band. Even ol’ Larry could dance! He was joined by former contestant William Hung. Just heartwarming, I tell you.

Then Paula Abdul came out and did what looked like a comedy skit to pay tribute to Simon, but it just made me uncomfortable. How about you? I mean, that was beyond weird. After that, Kelly Clarkson and every American Idol champ except David Cook came out to sing together, and they were joined by other former contestants such as Justin Guarini, Diana DeGarmo, and Jason Castro. Then Simon joined them on stage and made a tearful goodbye speech that may have been rehearsed, but probably not.

Then Janet Jackson performed and was half singing, half lip-synching.

Finally it was time to announce the winner, who certainly would be Crystal, right? Well, no! It was Lee Dewyze, ladies and gentlemen. I admit I thought Lee really came on the last few weeks, and was peaking, but Crystal just annihilated him on Tuesday night. But, just like the last two seasons, the person we thought would win did not.

Still, Lee is a humble and worthy champion, and he was overcome by emotion because I’m pretty sure he didn’t think he would win. As Mrs. Mike pointed out, though, Crystal will now get to make an album the way she wants to, and Lee will have to make that co-written 19 Entertainment schlock. Mrs. Mike said this after throwing pillows at the TV!

Thanks for reading everyone, and enjoy your summer!

Well folks, we’ve reached the Final Four of “American Idol,” and we’re now just a few weeks away from finding out who this year’s champ will be. Are you all bored with the season and the fact that the talent is way watered down than in previous years? Apparently the ratings have dropped a bit too, as people miss Paula Abdul’s unpredictability and Adam Lambert’s screams.

Last night, the results show was excruciating. And if it weren’t for our DVR, I’d have pulled out what hair I have left on my head. Really, FOX? Did that show HAVE to be an hour long? There was enough banter between Ryan Seacrest and the judges to last an entire season.

But here is your recap….

First, the Top 5 did a Frank Sinatra medley, and then Lee Dewyze was declared safe. I’m not sure what the producers of this show are thinking, but this was like 5 minutes into the show, and then the rest of the results were held for like 50 minutes.

First, Lady GaGa performed her new single, “Alejandro.” As Mrs. Mike correctly pointed out, she totally stole things from that Ace of Base song, “Don’t Turn Around.” Seriously, will someone tell me who buys Lady GaGa’s music? I’m not saying she’s not talented, she’s just mostly hype and overproduction.

Then the Top 5 came back out with this week’s mentor, Harry Connick, Jr., and performed a medley of his songs. Seriously, two medleys in one show? At least the material was good this week. They also showed some outtakes from the mentoring, and Connick was hilarious, even telling Aaron Kelly at one point to “wipe that stupid smirk off your face…no, really!” Classic.

Finally, results time. Seacrest had Crystal Bowersox and Casey James form one pair, and Mike Lynche and Aaron Kelly the other pair. He declared Crystal and Casey safe. I was really surprised, as I thought this was Casey’s week to get sent home. So it was down to Mike and Aaron. Aaron Kelly, you are going home. The judges pat themselves on the back once again as saving Mike seems to have been the right decision a few weeks back.

But let’s face it…it was Aaron’s time to go home. This kid has hung around for far too long. In fairness, he really did peak recently and has been sounding better and better. But he surely wasn’t going to win it all.

So we’re down to the Final Four–Mike, Casey, Lee and Crystal. I’m still sticking with my prediction of Lee and Crystal. What do you all think? See you next week!

Last night’s “American Idol” episode marked the start of Hollywood week, and it was our first glimpse at new judge Ellen DeGeneres, who took the place of Paula Abdul recently. The contestants were almost a sideshow to Ellen’s witty, hilarious banter, prompting at least one person (me) to not miss Paula one bit. Yeah, this season’s gonna be fun.

As for the 181 singers who made it to Hollywood and had to sing a cappella or with an instrument for the four judges, they would face “sudden death,” meaning move on to the next round or go home.
Talk about pressure. Here were the best and worst from last night…

THE BEST

Katie Stevens, who I don’t remember much of from the initial auditions, was awesome, but here is the problem–I didn’t write down what she sang last night and I don’t remember today….Andrew Garcia, who I had pegged as a serious contender a few weeks ago, did an acoustic guitar version of Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up” that was positively mind-numbing. The dude can sing his ass off, and he gave the song the ol’ David Cook treatment. Look out for him, because as I see it, he’s already set the bar really high for everyone else. Kara even used the word “genius” about the arrangement……Janell Wheeler was very good but I don’t remember what she sang either (sorry people, I must have been half asleep last night!)……Haeley Vaughn, who is amazingly just 16, did an awesome job with a guitar on her shoulder….Mary Towers and Ashley Rodriguez also made it to the next round, as did Lilly Scott, who did a cool take on Ella Fitzgerald with an acoustic guitar. Kara called Lilly “refreshing” and I agree completely….Michael, whose wife was having their first child as he was auditioning, made it to the next round. Should he have been with his wife? That’s a good question, but based on how talented Michael is, he may have made the right choice…..Tim Urban, who I wrote down “eh” next to, moved on, but for the life of me I don’t know what the judges see in him….Casey James, the dude who took his shirt off for Kara and Posh Spice, brought his guitar this time, and dude can PLAY as well as sing…..then the show closed with two awesome girls with guitars–Didi Benami, from Knoxville, who sang Kara’s song “Terrified” and did a stellar job with it. Even Simon admitted to liking the tune….and Crystal Bowersox, who did a cool acoustic version of “Natural Woman.”

THE WORST

Skiiboski, whose real name doesn’t really matter, and neither does the way we all try to spell it, was turned away, but not after Ellen’s hilarious comment, “You frighten me.” She went on to tell Skiiboski to tone down his act, that he intimidates his audience with the emoting…….country girl Vanessa, who flew on a plane for the first time ever to get to Hollywood, gets the award for poorest song choice ever, with Blind Melon’s “No Rain.” I mean, seriously? Blind Freaking Melon?……16 year old Megan Wright didn’t make it but I don’t remember what she sang….and neither did Amadeo DiRocco, the dude who they showed having dinner with his huge Italian family during the first audition. Dude just didn’t bring it this time (the performance, not the family)…..Jay Stone, the human beat box dude who reminded us all of Blake Lewis, apparently had too tired of an act for the judges to advance him….Justin Williams, who they did a story on the first time about him being a cancer survivor, didn’t do enough this time….and young Maddie Curtis also failed this part of the audition.

So that’s it….tonight they break into groups, which usually brings out the dysfunction in all of the contestants, and really separates the contenders from the also-rans.

But either way, I can’t wait to see what else Ellen has to say, and it’s really going to get fun during the live performances. Welcome to Hollywood everyone, and see you back here tomorrow!

Last night’s “American Idol” on Fox showed a huge disparity between two guest judges, but more on that later. The Los Angeles auditions were, as you might expect, polarizing…because of course you have talented singers, but you also have wannabes….the ones who have moved out to Cali because their moms and sisters told them they were talented.

The first set of auditions featured guest judge Avril Lavigne, who is now 25 but looks (and kind of acts) like she’s 11. Here were the best and worst of Day 1…..

THE BEST

Jim Ranger, who is a 27 year old church pastor with a family, sang his own song, “Drive,” and was very soulful and kind of unique compared to most of the crap auditions. Avril, however, told Jim she didn’t think he was ready for this because he would have too hard of a time leaving his day job as well as his family. Say what? Is there a pre-requisite here? Never has been….of course, Kara kind of back-pedaled after clearing digging Jim, trying to cover up the fact that Avril is not cut out for judging. So Pastor Jim ultimately made it to Hollywood….Mary Powers, 28, who dressed like she was on that “INXS Rock Star” show from a few years back, sang Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield” and absolutely kicked ass. Simon said her look was cliche (very much so) but he liked her voice. Avril said something annoying, but Mary made it through and really has a chance here.

THE WORST

19 year old Neal Goldstein kicked things off and with his “high IQ,” sang a Meatloaf song. He was predictably awful, and of course said, “I liked the way I sounded.” Then he said “I’m not leaving” when the judges told him he sucked, but relented when Simon offered a security escort…..Damien, a marshal arts dude who makes sandwiches during the day and was pimping “the pepperoni,” (was that a euphymism?)sang “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling” and it was a weird, emotive version that looked like Damien was going to bust a nut….after a bunch of Adam Lambert lookalikes, one of them, AJ Mendoza, 20, sang Living Colour’s “Cult of Personality” (side note….those guys rocked) and kind of did the whole thing without opening his mouth. It was weird and not very good.

Next up, the guest judge was Katy Perry for Day 2. And unlike Avril, Katy was awesome…..and honestly, she was a female version of Simon….talking back to Kara and everything! Here was the best and worst of Day 2…

THE BEST

23 year old Andrew Garcia, who talked about his parents growing up in gangs, and then moving to the suburbs to allow him a better life, was saying he wanted a better life for his son as well, which is why he was auditioning. Well, dude was awesome, with what I think was a stunning version of Maroon 5’s “Sunday Morning.” I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict this kid as Top 12 material…..25 year old Tasha Layton, who is a minister, sang Joss Stone’s “Baby Baby Baby” and was really good, and quite unique…..the show closed with Chris Golightly, a 25 year old dude who grew up in foster care. He sang “Stand By Me” and had a really good, natural voice. Katy and Simon were lukewarm on Chris, but Kara and Randy loved him, and he made it to the next round.

THE WORST

19 year old Austin Fullmer sang Cheap Trick’s “Surrender” and did these spastic, Mike Jagger-esque moves. After being told he sucked, Austin made reference to the fact that Katy and Kara were in love with him and that he could show them he was a “real man.” Um, okay….21 year old Jason Green sang The Divinyls’ “I Touch Myself” and he clearly had the hots for Simon. Dude was, as you might expect, a train wreck. Katy said that he even made her “feel dirty,” but of course Jason took that as a compliment.

So that was it for Los Angeles. But I have to say, I hope they never invite Avril Lavigne back to judge because she literally offered nothing…..Katy, meanwhile, was sassy and obnoxious…just like the dude sitting to her left. At one point she said, “I’m gonna pull a ‘Kara” here”…..how awesome is that? Would have been funny to see Katy with Paula Abdul. Anyway, I’m putting my vote in to have Katy Perry replace Simon next season.

So what did you all think? Let me know below…and see you tomorrow with the Dallas audition results!