That’s right, the summer 2010 press tour of the Television Critics Association – that’s TCA to you, see? – has come and gone, leaving in its wake a piece that I love to compile but hate to finish. It’s just that kind of experience: there’s always something else to write about.

I know I say this every time, so you’d think my mindset on the tour would’ve changed by now, but I still continue to get excited when I fly to California and spend the better part of two weeks ensconced in a hotel, watching and listening as closely as possible (which, admittedly, isn’t often as closely as I’d like) to various stars, directors, producers, and writers as they do a dog and pony show to promote their program. I know they get sick of it sometimes, but for my part, I still haven’t. I spend the better part of 48 weeks of the year in Chesapeake, VA, a place where I do not regularly cross paths with the people that you see on your TV screen. As such, I remain excited about the opportunity to participate in these ridiculously cool opportunities, and I still feel like I have to share the experience with you, the reader, lest they begin to seem normal to me.

It’s not normal.

It’s the TCA press tour.

And trust me, unless you’re actually in show business, life doesn’t get much less normal than this.

Most entertaining panel by a broadcast network: “Circus,” PBS. Given the subject matter of the series – yes, it really is about the circus, specifically what it’s like to be part of a traveling circus in 2010 – it wasn’t entirely surprising that the panel kicked off with acrobat Christian Stoinev demonstrating some of his gymnastic abilities, but that didn’t make his performance any less impressive.

Plus, he earned bonus points for incorporating a cute little dog named Scooby into the act, who jumped onto Stoinev’s butt, strolled down his back, sat on his feet, and looked as calm as possible as Stoinev balanced semi-precariously on his parallel bars.

Most entertaining panel by a cable network: “Kids in the Hall: Death Comes to Town,” IFC. When I walked into the ballroom and found that we’d all received autographed DVDs of the Kids’ latest endeavor, I thought, “Can it get any better than this?” (I’m a sucker for anything autographed.) Indeed, it could, as the Kids – minus Mark McKinney, who’d been called back to Canada because of a family emergency – held court and kept us in stitches.

Some of my favorite moments:

QUESTION: How long had it been since you had cross-dressed professionally before (“Death Comes to Town”), and was that sort of a difficult readjustment for any of you?
SCOTT THOMPSON: Define “professionally.”
QUESTION: With a large crew.
SCOTT THOMPSON: Oh.
DAVE FOLEY: Not just any exchange of money.
BRUCE McCULLOCH: So if you shoot porn with a small crew, that wouldn’t count…?
KEVIN McDONALD: That’s not cross-dressing professionally.
DAVE FOLEY: Yeah. If you put on a nice shirt and give a handjob at the bus station, that still is professional.
SCOTT THOMPSON: Yes, it is.
BRUCE McCULLOCH: And by “handjob,” we mean “Bible reading,” as we like The Bible.

* Dave Foley on the audience response to Scott Thompson’s cancer being in remission: “I’m getting a sense that a lot of these people are on the cancer side. Well, I hope you are proud of yourselves. ‘Oh, dammit, not another one beating cancer. Poor cancer. When will people learn to love cancer?'”

* Scott Thompson: “I had a much easier time making (‘Death Comes to Town’), even though I was fighting cancer, than I did with ‘Brain Candy,’ honestly. It was tougher to fight Paramount. Because, at least with cancer, you can win.”

QUESTION: Do you find that people, when they see you, wanted to just squash your head? Because, like, I’m sitting here, like, resisting.
DAVE FOLEY: Yeah, a lot of time it has no reference to that gesture. It’s people actually want to crush our heads.
KEVIN McDONALD: The first apartment I ever moved to in Los Angeles, 1996, I was in bed the first night, and a couple were having a fight in the floor above me. And he was crying, “I’m going to crush your head,” and I thought they were fans, but it turned out they weren’t.
DAVE FOLEY: Yeah, it was a bloody homicide.
KEVIN McDONALD: It was a bloody homicide, yes.
DAVE FOLEY: But still, you felt flattered.
KEVIN McDONALD: But still, I felt flattered.

* When asked about their current relationship with Lorne Michaels, who introduced them to the U.S., McCulloch said, “I watch him get a haircut once a year when I go to ‘Saturday Night Live,'” while Foley claimed, “I chill his Amstel Light.” (“And drink it,” added McDonald.)

* Kevin McDonald made the bold choice of using the word “guff” at one point, receiving no end of ridicule from his fellow Kids. “It’s a tough word,” said McCulloch,”I know it’s tough to hear.” Thompson gasped and shrieked, “You said ‘guff‘!” Foley, however, offered a practical solution to the assembled journalists. “You can put asterisks in that. Just G-asterisk-asterisk-asterisk for your print,” he said, adding, “Of course, you online media people can just change it to ‘fuck.’”

* “Death Comes to Town” was filmed in North Bay, ON, but Foley said that it was a rarity for locals to come up and acknowledge their recognition of the Kids. “Canadians don’t do that,” explained Thompson. “Yeah,” agreed Foley. “They’d just come up and start talking to you like they knew you. You know, you would be in the grocery store, and somebody would just come up behind you and say, ‘Special K is marked down today. I’m getting the Special K as well. What are you doing later, Dave?’ And that was how you knew they recognized you.”

* The miniseries features Foley playing “the kindly old town abortionist,” which made it a bit difficult to scout for locations. Foley said that they had to keep making up stuff to tell the people of North Bay, saying things like, “Yeah, this scene, it’s a gynecologist’s office,” or “Oh, it’s an obstetrician’s office.” Or, as Scott Thompson claimed, “It’s a very bad day care.” At this, the crowd of critics erupted with a mixture of boos and laughs. “That was good,” Thompson assured us. “That was bad,” Foley assured him. At this, Thompson nodded, grinned, and admitted, “Very bad.”

Most out-of-control panel by a broadcast network: “Raising Hope,” Fox. I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t laugh really hard at Cloris Leachman’s antics as she wrestled control of the panel away not only from her co-stars but, indeed, from the assembled critics as well, demanding that her chair be moved from one end of the stage to the other and requesting that those asking questions stand up and/or sit down.

At some point, though, I think most of us were left wondering how much of the chaos we were witnessing was intentional and how much was a woman not knowing when to stop trying to be funny. About halfway through, Leachman finally calmed down, going almost completely quiet and giving the others a chance to answer a few questions. By that point, it was very much appreciated.

Most interactive panel by a broadcast network: “Masterchef,” Fox. Last time, Gordon Ramsay had the assembled critics compete to see who could whip up the best topping for Baked Alaska.

This time, he tested our palates by passing out little cups of gazpacho to everyone and asking us to determine the ingredients contained within. The critic who determined the final of the 15 ingredients won a free dinner from one of his restaurants. Sadly, that critic was not me.

Guilty-Pleasure Panel of the Tour: “Jersey Shore 2,” MTV. Love them or hate them, the “Jersey Shore” gang are ubiquitous in any discussion of 2010 pop culture, so it was nigh on impossible not to at least be intrigued when MTV quietly added a “Jersey Shore 2” panel to their proceedings. But who, we wondered, would be in attendance? The answer: every last (CENSORED) one of ’em.

(Actual panel wardrobe not pictured.)

Inevitably, though, it was the one and only Snooki who pulled the best quote of the panel, adding a new word to the vocabulary of American and Canadian TV critics: “snookin’.”

“Snookin’ is when you’re lookin’,” she explained. “So if I say I’m snookin’ for love, I’m snookin’ for a guy. If I snooked the night, then I took the night. Get it?”

Um…

“My snooktionary is coming out, and you’ll understand my language,” she assured us…and, yes, she claims she’s serious about that.

5 Greatest Moments of Complete Honesty During The Tour:

1) Alex O’Loughlin on “Hawaii Five-0”: “If this one doesn’t go, I’m completely bewildered. I have no idea how television works at all.”
2) Carrie Fisher on how it felt to walk onstage wearing a Princess Leia wig: “Like an asshole. A complete, undignified jerk-off. But other than that, really good.”
3) Snooki on her run-in with the law: “Obviously, it wasn’t a good time, but, you know, I didn’t hurt anybody, and I just went out to have a good time on the beach, and you know, stuff like that happens in Jersey. I was in the drunk tank for a little bit. I had too many tequilas.”
4) Billy Gardell (“Mike & Molly”) on his waistline: “I think I’d like to lose some weight. I mean, everybody’d like to be a little bit better than they are, you know, but everybody has a different tick, man. Mine just happens to be pizza. It’s okay. You can laugh at that. I’ve got a mirror. Lighten up.”
5) David Cross on poor decisions he’s made in his life: “I shit myself one time. I mean, it wasn’t a decision. I just thought it was going to be a fart. So it turned out be a bad decision. What’s another poor decision? Oh, telling the thing about shitting myself. That was stupid. Why would I do that? It was unnecessary.”

Most common recurring question during the panels: I’m pretty sure that every single actor whose ancestors can be traced back to India in any capacity whatsoever was asked for their opinion about NBC’s “Outsourced.”

Most awkward segue into an equally awkward question: During the panel for TV Land’s “Harry Loves Lisa,” the reality series starring Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna, a critic casually brought up the fact that Prop 8 had been repealed, then added, “Which reminds me of ‘Making Love,’ with Harry and Michael Ontkean. What are your thoughts about maybe a sequel to that movie with Michael? And Lisa, when you see that movie, what do you think? Does it get you going?”

The “So, Paul, What Do You Hear About Ringo’s New Album?” Award: During the panel for “Mr. Sunshine,” Matthew Perry…and, indeed, virtually the entirely assembly of critics, I’d have to guess…was left dumbstruck when he was asked, “Do you ever see David (Schwimmer), and does he talk to you about his goals?”

Strangest rant by a panelist: Yoko Ono. This probably isn’t too much of a surprise, given the widow Lennon’s tendency toward eccentricity, but many critics – including myself – were left flabbergasted by her explosion over one critic’s innocuous question about why she decided to remain in the Dakota after John’s murder. First, she declared it to be “a slightly racist remark, and maybe sexist, too,” but then she really went off.

“You guys are doing that, but when somebody like me, who is probably not part of your culture, how you think, ‘Why she still living there? We wouldn’t live there. Well, maybe because she has a different tradition and she doesn’t care about the fact that he died there.’ You know, something like that. A little bit more barbaric or something. No. I think that you would want to live there, too, because you cherish the memory of that person. That’s one. But also the other thing is, for you to be able to say something like that, ‘How dare she’s living there?’ is sexism, because I know that all guys wouldn’t care. They would just live in the house, you know,whatever happens. They may not even care that they got a divorce or whatever happened. They would just live in the house, and no one’s going to comment. No one’s going to comment that you would go to maybe a whorehouse or something like that right after your wife died. ‘I’m so sorry. He must be so sad.’ I was still sad, so I’m still living in that house. Do you mind?“

I felt so bad for the guy who’d asked the question, who – once he could get a word in edgewise – explained, “Okay, I did not mean to be racist nor sexist, and I don’t know where whorehouses got into this conversation, but when my dad passed away, my mom wanted to go live in Florida, and it’s just…people grieve differently.” Yoko halfheartedly tried to backpedal, saying, “I was being a little bit facetious, I’m sorry,” and she probably was. But, wow, talk about lashing out…

Panelist most likely to have one of his comments thrown back at him when his series premieres: Joseph Fiennes, who plays Merlin in “Camelot,” Starz’s new take on the classic Arthurian legends. Fiennes said of his character, “I think of Merlin as a sort of cross between Obi-Wan Kenobi and Donald Rumsfeld.” This, of course, resulted in an immediate follow-up question, requesting a bit more clarification on the resemblance to Rumsfeld. “Well, I don’t want to draw too many parallels and be boxed in a corner too much,” Fiennes replied, “but I just think it’s really about political agenda.” Toward the end of the panel, the matter was brought up again, leading him to muse that he’d basically shot himself in the face by having made the comparison in the first place. Muttered executive producer Chris Chibnall, “I knew that was going to get us in trouble…”

Panelist who looked the least thrilled to be in attendance: Maura Tierney, “The Whole Truth,” ABC. I’m sure it was mostly because she wasn’t looking forward to people quizzing her about her health, but she looked perpetually like she was going to burst into this song:

Cable series with the least sense of history: “Mad Genius,” Fuse. Any music fan worth their salt would be intrigued by a show which, according to the network’s description, “delves into the minds of musicians, the eccentricities, the world view, the influences of some of the major artists in the world and connects them to their artistic contributions to the groundbreaking music that they create.” We’re sitting around thinking about the possibilities: Syd Barrett, Roky Erickson, Peter Green, Brian Wilson, and the like. Who does Fuse cite among the show’s subjects? Britney Spears and Li’l Wayne. Wow. Just…wow.

Most unintentionally off-color moment from a broadcast network panel: During the “$#*! My Dad Says” panel, executive producer Max Mutchnick had a moment of uncertainty about the proper verb to describe the process of sending out a message through Twitter and accidentally referred to “Dad” creator Justin Halpern’s “beautiful Twat.” Realizing his slip of the tongue, Mutchnick stammered, “I don’t know how you say it,” but not before William Shatner shook his head with mock dismay, saying, “That’s twisted.”

Later, Shatner used the phrase “people who Twit,” after which executive producer David Kohan smirked and countered, “I think it’s Twat.” A chagrined Mutchnick suggested that the proper verb was “Tweet.” Shatner snapped back, “Well, I know it isn’t ‘Twat’!”

Best use of a panelist’s absence: Peter Tolan. It’s not like his cohort Denis Leary was supposed to be there for the lunchtime “Rescue Me” session, but the fact that he wasn’t gave Tolan the opportunity to relish the solitude of the stage. “I’m so glad to be here by myself and not with Denis Leary,” he said, “because he is an attention hog, and the secondhand smoke, really, I’m lucky to be alive, frankly, at this point. It’s been seven seasons, and of course “The Job,” the show we did before, which was my idea, as was ‘Rescue Me.’ I am really lucky to be alive. I’m sure there are tumors just waiting to take me pretty much after this lunch.”

Most promising new cable program that I didn’t know much about before going into the tour: “Teen Wolf,” MTV. Turns out it’s being executive-produced by Jeff Davis, the man behind “Criminal Minds,” so suffice to say that it’s darker than the original film. Bonus: the pilot was directed by Russell Mulcahy, who’s had an affiliation with MTV since the day the network began…literally, since he directed this video:

Least promising new broadcast network program that I didn’t know anything about before going into the tour: “My Generation,” ABC. It always takes me forever to check out ABC’s new series, as I hate watching screeners on my computer (the network stopped sending out DVDs of its programs long ago), so I hadn’t investigated “My Generation.” Turns out it’s a look back at a high school class from 2000 and how they’ve changed since they graduated. As I said to a compatriot during the panel, “I’m pretty sure the only thing that’s going to make me want to tune into this show is if a killer starts picking off the twentysomethings one by one.” Mind you, I haven’t seen the pilot yet, but the trailer pretty well served to cement my theory.

Coolest anecdote(s) from a press scrum: Actually, it was less a scrum than an impromptu roundtable, but after PBS’s “Pioneers of Television” panel, my esteemed peer Marc Allan invited me to grab a chair and join the conversation he was having with Martin Landau, and others soon had their recorders out as well. It was Marc, however, who asked the two big-money questions.

First, Marc asked Landau if he had ever had the opportunity to meet Bela Lugosi, who he portrayed (and won an Oscar for doing so) in Tim Burton’s “Ed Wood.”

“No, I never met Lugosi,” replied Landau. “But I met Karloff…and had tea with him! I was doing some post-synching on a television show, and we both left our respective studios at the same time and met in the hall. At the time, Jack Nicholson was actually my student. Jack studied with me for three years, and Jack had just finished a picture for Roger Corman with Karloff. Jack wasn’t very good in it. He was much too contemporary. But, anyway, I saw Karloff in the hall, and we greeted each other. I said, ‘You just worked with a friend of mine.’ And he said, ‘And who might that be?’ And I said, ‘Jack Nicholson.’ And he said, ‘Oh, yes. Poor boy. Where are going now?’ I said, ‘Home.’ He said, ‘Would you like some tea?’ I said ‘yes,’ and we went to the commissary and had tea and little sandwiches, and I got to spend a little time with him.”

Then, as if psychic, Allan asked Landau about the one project I’d been chomping at the bit to hear his recollections about: “The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan’s Island.”

“I had a good time doing that!” said Landau, offering surprising enthusiasm as he reminisced about working with “Chick Hearn and a bunch of robots, noting that it was the last time he’d worked with ex-wife Barbara Bain, who’d been his co-star on “Mission: Impossible” and “Space: 1999.” “People say that it was the worst moment in my career,” he said, with a laugh, “but I actually had fun on that show. The first day I was on it, though, was the day that Reagan was shot, so when we got to the set, everyone was…well, you know. So I told about three or four jokes and loosened everyone up, and from that point on, we had a good time.”

Really, I could go on about the conversation for several more paragraphs, since the next topic of conversation was how he was offered the role of Mr. Spock on “Star Trek” before Leonard Nimoy. Suffice it to say that I hope to get a one-on-one with Mr. Landau one of these days…but if it never happens, sitting in on this one was still pretty damned cool.

Favorite one-on-one interview at a TCA function: Tom Selleck. I’d been trying to confirm or deny the possibility of talking to Tom about his new CBS series, “Blue Bloods,” but it was all very sketchy about how long he’d be at the CBS evening event. I therefore set up camp near the front door of the function, waiting for him to arrival. When he did, I followed behind him and his publicist, and once they reached their table, his publicist turned, saw my nametag and recognized my name, and waved me over to him. Tom smiled at me beneath his mustache and said, “No one will sit with me. Will you sit with me?” So I sat with him…and he was just as nice a guy as you’d want him to be.

Favorite one-on-one interview which took place elsewhere: Brad Meltzer. I’ve been a fan of Brad’s thrillers for several years, and when he made the jump into writing comic books, by God, I was right there with him. I’ve even traded the occasional E-mail with the guy. This, however, was the first time I’d ever actually met him. It was worth the wait.

Most intimidating one-on-one interview: Spike Lee. Spike seems like someone who could be a prickly pear if you don’t know what you’re talking about, so I blew off a concert by Vinyl Candy (sorry, guys) in order to make sure I’d seen his new HBO documentary, “If God Is Willing and Da Creek Don’t Rise,” before our conversation. Fortunately, it paid off: Spike was great.

Best party: CBS. These guys almost always take home the gold. Not only does lots of their talent show up, but they always hold them somewhere that you can actually move around without feeling like you’re bumping into someone or on the verge of knocking someone down.

Worst party: Sony. It was a tremendous turnout of talent, so much so that in another locale it might’ve ended up being cited as the best party, but it was so freaking packed that you could barely move and rarely hear anyone well enough to do a decent interview.

Party that I usually don’t enjoy but this time did: Fox. They like to use their “American Idol” money to rent the Santa Monta Pier for the night and let us and their talent go nuts with the food, the drinks, and the rides. Normally, I complain about how it’s not terribly conducive to doing interviews, what with the loud music and the noise of the rides. This time, my wife was there with me. I still didn’t do many interviews…but I did get to ride the Ferris Wheel with the woman I love. Yeah, yeah, we’re disgustingly cute. Get over it.

My 5 Favorite Cheap Thrills of the Tour:

1. Getting a hug from Jayma Mays of “Glee.” Yes, my wife was standing right there. (So was Jayma’s husband, Adam Campbell, for that matter.) But even my wife thinks she’s cute.
2. Talking to both David Cross and Bob Odenkirk on the same tour. Hopefully, there are “Mr. Show” fans out there who will appreciate this accomplishment as much as I did.
3. Telling Tom Hanks that I really loved “Mazes and Monsters” / Having Tom Hanks use me as a prop while telling a story (TIE). This was the third time I’d met my generation’s Jimmy Stewart, and each time I’d told myself that I was going to bring up the classic TV movie from early in his career, but when my fellow Bullz-Eye buddy Ross Ruediger broached the subject of “Splash!” and got five minutes worth of stories about working on the film, I decided that this was my time to shine. All I got for my trouble was a smirk, followed by a look that may or may not have been pity.

In retrospect, I probably should have just stuck with my Hanks encounter from earlier in the evening, when he’d been telling some story or other and, since I was closest to him, used me to illustrate how the person in his story kept poking someone in the chest. Anyone who tells you that I was considering getting a tattoo of the resulting bruise is a dirty liar. (That was just drunk talk.)
4. Bill Lawrence telling my wife that I’m awesome. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve talked to Bill Lawrence on the phone and in person, but my wife had never had the pleasure. At the ABC party, however, she spotted him holding court and decided to approach his assistant just to see if she could slip in long enough to introduce herself. She hadn’t gotten past the words “my husband is Will” before she was informed that “we love Will” and quickly hustled over to Bill for introductions, where the good Mr. Lawrence echoed his assistant’s statements. I should clarify that it’s not the compliment itself that made for the cheap thrill but, rather, the fact that Bill Lawrence made my wife feel good about her lot in life. I mean, she’s married to a TV critic, fer crissakes. She needs all the reassurances she can get.
5. Having William Shatner abruptly end our interview by clapping me on the shoulder and saying, “Thanks for your time.” Ah, it wasn’t going that well, anyway. And, besides, who cares? Captain Kirk touched me!

Cast most likely to get me into trouble: “NCIS.” I don’t know what it is about Michael Weatherly and Pauley Perrette, but I always end up finding myself on the verge of breaking some rule or other when I’m around them.

With Michael, he loves to tell stories when he knows you’re not recording him, and they’re invariably filled with some tidbit or other where you’d feel guilty running them intact. As such, I can’t tell you about what happened when he gave Robert Wagner’s E-mail address to Roger Moore…but if you ever meet Michael, ask him about the time he and Jessica Alba met Elvis Costello and Peter O’Toole. It’s a good’un.

As for Pauley, it’s become a TCA tradition that we take a picture together whenever we see each other: she holds the camera in front of us and takes the picture herself, and heaven help anyone who tries to take it for us. Unfortunately, as I learned after my first tour of duty with the TCA, it’s a no-no for members of the organization to take pictures with the stars. Pauley knows this. She just doesn’t care. This time, she assured me, “It’s seven years bad luck if we don’t take one every tour!” I’m pretty sure she didn’t have any documentation to back this up, but she took the picture anyway. Seriously, the woman’s a force of nature. Fortunately, I think everyone in the TCA knows this about Pauley, so I think they’d probably see her as an exception to the rule…but, just in case, I’m keeping the picture to myself.

Most awesome visit to the set of a network show: “Friends.” Don’t get me wrong, visiting Wisteria Lane is cool whether you watch “Desperate Housewives” or not, and the intricacies of the “Parenthood” set were remarkable to behold, but the power of pure sentimentality trumped them both. No, it’s not where the show actually filmed, but it’s all of the original items, and they look exactly like they did when they originally filmed the show. What I’m saying to you is that I stood in the middle of Central Perk. It doesn’t get much better than that.

Most disappointing visit to the set of a network show: “Undercovers.” This new NBC series has a certain amount of potential, and in fairness, the sets – one of which is a working kitchen – did look pretty cool, but the fact that none of the cast nor the producers could be bothered to make it to our visit ultimately made it feel like a bust.

Most pleasant reminder that, once in awhile, you make enough of an impression on the people you interview on the phone that they actually still remember you when you meet them in person: A month or so ago, I interviewed Nate Torrence in conjunction with “She’s Out of Your League” hitting DVD, and when he mentioned that he was in the cast of ABC’s “Mr. Sunshine,” I said, “Well, then, I’ll look for you when I’m at the TCA tour.” Flash-forward to ABC’s post-panel party, where I see Nate and go up to introduce myself, but before I can finish reminding him who I am, he quickly lets me know that he needs no reminder. “I get up there for the panel,” he said, “and I’m, like, ‘No one is going to ask me anything. I’m just going to sit here.’ But then I go, ‘Hey, wait a minute, what about the guy from Bullz-Eye? I think he said he was going to be here! Maybe he’ll ask me a question!’” Of course, when he said this, I immediately felt awful that I hadn’t actually asked him a question…

Most unpleasant reminder that, no matter how much you’ve enjoyed someone’s work on television, they still see you as a journalist and therefore don’t really want to talk to you if they can help it: Chandler was always my favorite Friend, I really liked “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip,” and unlike some of my peers, I laughed pretty hard at the pilot for “Mr. Sunshine,” but I can’t say that I’m as thrilled with Matthew Perry as I used to be.

I tried to be as polite as possible while waiting to chat with Perry during the ABC party, but on two separate occasions, although he clearly knew I was loitering in his vicinity for that purpose (the recorder in my hand was, to my way of thinking, kind of a dead giveaway), he pointedly opted to continue conversations with co-stars and friends rather than acknowledge me. One of my peers stopped by during my lengthy loiter and told me that I had the patience of a saint to wait the guy out, but in the end, even Francis of Assisi would’ve given up on Perry: once he finished the conversation, he turned to try and leave without turning toward me. Before I could stop him, though, the writer standing next to me snared him, then kindly gestured in my direction and said, “I was waiting for you, but he’s been waiting even longer.” Perry endured questions from both of us for a few minutes, but then he said, “I’m going to walk away now.” And he did.

I know the guy’s dealt with plenty of these TCA parties during the years that he was part of the NBC family, but given that he’s not only the male lead in “Mr. Sunshine” but also the creator and one of the show’s writers, I really expected him to be more enthused about the chance to promote the series.

I should add, though, that my wife – simply by speaking the truth – ended up kind of getting the last laugh on Perry. At the Sony party, she was talking to Megyn Price (“Rules of Engagement”) when Perry came up and started talking to Pryce. My wife waited politely for Perry to finish, but when he did, he turned to my wife and, with a decidedly dejected look on his face, said, “I suppose you want to interview me.” She looked right back at him and said, “Oh, God, no!”

Admittedly, all she meant was that she was just a guest at the party and therefore wasn’t doing interviews with anyone, but I am assured that the look on Perry’s face was priceless nonetheless.

Most awesome live performance of the tour: Michael Feinstein jazzing it up and occasionally even kicking out the jams with his 17-piece band as part of a dinner-and-a-show performance to promote his upcoming three-part PBS miniseries, “Michael Feinstein’s American Songbook.” I’ve respected Feinstein’s work since I heard him cover “Both Sides Now” on an Elektra Records compilation entitled Rubaiyat, and somewhere around here I’m pretty sure I still have a copy of his Isn’t It Romantic album on cassette, so I figured I’d get a polite but somewhat easy-listening performance that would make for a nice wrap-up to the evening.

My bad.

My jaw was left on the floor by how much energy the man put into the seven songs he played for us, which began with “The Lady Is a Tramp” and ended with “For Once in My Life.” Suffice it to say that I became the proud owner of Feinstein’s The Sinatra Project the next time I visited a record store…which, as it happens, occurred only a few days later.

Best off-site visit that was in no way connected to the tour: Amoeba Records. I usually make a point of swinging by my favorite Hollywood record store whenever I make it into town, but my schedule in January didn’t lend itself to a visit, so it’d been a year since my last dig through Amoeba’s always-awesome bargain bins.

Unfortunately, when I arrived, I found that what would’ve otherwise been a pretty cool coincidence – Elijah Wood was doing a DJ set for the store – totally screwed up my fun, as they’d set up a barrier to keep people from getting too close to Elijah as well as to keep too many people from rushing the DJ booth…and it was right in front of the store’s fabled $1 bins. So if you happened to be there that day and heard a bearded and bespectacled gentleman grumbling, “Fuckin’ Frodo,” now you know why.

Best piece of swag: HBO’s “Boardwalk Empire” flask. I think this is actually the third flask I’ve gotten in the last year: The CW gave them out last summer with the “Melrose Place” reboot, possibly because I needed a lot of alcohol to make the show endurable, and then Fox sent one out in conjunction with “Family Guy” not terribly long ago. What made this one so special? It was all in the presentation. Everyone was presented with a copy of The Anti-Saloon League Yearbook 1920…and when you opened it, you found a flask-shaped hole carved into the pages which housed our gift. How awesome is that?

Worst trends of the tour:

1) Networks attempting to squeeze as many panels into one day as possible. In fairness, CBS and Fox were fantastic with their respective families of networks, dividing their presentations into two days. Not so NBC-Universal, who forced us to endure a single day of panels and even between-panel events in order to cover series from NBC, SyFy, USA, Oxygen, Bravo, and MSNBC. And as an FYI to the Discovery Networks, if you’ve got things scheduled so that, after two questions, the moderator has to say, “We’ve got time for one last question,” you’ve got things scheduled way too tightly.

2) Networks neglecting to include panels for existing shows. It makes sense, given the tight quarters on the schedule, but it’s no less disappointing. CBS gave us a “Big Bang Theory” panel, The CW offered “Gossip Girl,” and Fox gave us “Glee,” but for the most part, existing series were relegated to between-panel events in the lobby of the ballroom. Sure, it’s nice to have coffee with the cast of “Modern Family” in theory, but the end result is lots of scrums and limited opportunities for one-on-one questions. I’m not saying I’m the most gregarious when it comes to asking questions during the panels, but it sucks to not even have that chance.

3) Networks missing from the tour altogether. AMC made a major splash at Comic-Con with “The Walking Dead,” and, hey, fair enough, the show’s based on a comic book. Similarly, Matthew Weiner seems to be pretty pissed at the press right now, so that’d probably explain the lack of a “Mad Men” panel.” But given that other members of Rainbow Media family of networks were in attendance (IFC and WeTV), it felt like a slap across the face that we didn’t even get a state of the union address from an AMC exec, especially when they announced their new series, “The Killing,” a mere three days after the tour wrapped. And wherefore art thou, Turner? All of those new series on TBS, TNT, Cartoon Network, and the like, and we don’t get a single panel for any of them? I know Conan doesn’t really need more promo for his new show, but it sure seemed like an opportunity missed.

And, as ever, we wrap things up with a bitch session…

Most annoying moment of the tour: having my request for a one-on-one chat with Tony Danza declined because, as his personal rep purportedly said, “This isn’t his kind of interview.”

Now, granted, this came through channels rather than directly from the rep, and I can’t imagine that Tony Danza himself has anything to do with declining the interview, but that’s the reason that was cited in the E-mail from A&E, home of Danza’s new reality series, “Tony Danza: Teach.”

As someone who’s the son of a retired teacher and the husband of a woman who works with autistic students, I’m well aware of the importance of education and how students affect the lives of teachers just as much as teachers affect the lives of students, so I was immediately intrigued by the concept of the series. Additionally, one of my friends had once had dinner with Danza and had nothing but nice things to say about the guy. No surprise here: I put in for an interview.

Now, please understand that I’ve been turned down for more than a few interviews in my time, and I’ve come to accept the heartbreak of rejection when it comes to an actor’s busy schedule, even when it’s patently clear that “busy” translates into “he only talks to the bigger, better-known outlets, and, frankly, I’ve never even heard of your site.” In the end, it really all comes down to this: I’m someone who needs closure on things, and if a rep is going to tell me that their client is opting out of talking to me because “this isn’t his kind of interview,” then I don’t think it’s too much to ask why it isn’t his kind of interview. I mean, maybe it’s something I can change, y’know? So I asked. But I never got an answer.

Do you know why? If so, drop me a line…or, better yet, if you’re already that deep into the Danza camp, anyway, then go ahead and tell Tony that I’d still really like to talk to him. After hearing him talk during his panel, there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that this teaching gig was a full-fledged life-changing experience for the guy. As such, I’d like to do whatever I can to help promote “Tony Danza: Teach”…and, yes, even after all of this whining, I do still think you should watch it when it premieres on A&E on October 1st.

MONDAY

8 – 8:30 PM: How I Met Your Mother

8:30 – 9 PM: Rules of Engagement

9 – 9:30 PM: Two and a Half Men

9:30 – 10 PM: Mike & Molly: a comedy from Chuck Lorre (“Two and a Half Men,” and “The Big Bang Theory”) about a working class Chicago couple who find love at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. Officer Mike Biggs (Billy Gardell) is a good-hearted cop who sincerely wants to lose weight. Mike’s partner, Officer Carl McMillan (Reno Wilson), is a thin, fast-talking wise-guy, who despite his teasing encourages Mike on his road to slimness and romance. While speaking at an O.A. meeting, Mike meets Molly Flynn (Melissa McCarthy), an instantly likeable fourth-grade teacher with a healthy sense of humor about her curves.

For Molly, focusing on smart choices isn’t easy because she lives with her sexy older sister, Victoria (Katy Mixon), and their mother, Joyce (Swoosie Kurtz), both of whom flaunt their healthy appetites and slender figures. Mike also faces temptation at the diner he and Carl frequent, where they’ve become friends with the Senegalese waiter, Samuel (Nyambi Nyambi), who finds trying to eat less a foreign concept. For Mike and Molly, thanks to their mutual love of pie and the desire to resist it, finding each other may have been worth the “weight.” Chuck Lorre and Mark Roberts are executive producers.

10 – 11 PM: Hawaii Five-0: a contemporary take on the classic series about a new elite federalized task force whose mission is to wipe out the crime that washes up on the Islands’ sun-drenched beaches. Detective Steve McGarrett (Alex O’Loughlin), a decorated Naval officer turned cop, returns to Oahu to investigate his father’s murder and stays after Hawaii’s governor persuades him to head up the new team: his rules, her backing, no red tape and full blanket immunity to hunt down the biggest “game” in town.

Joining McGarrett is Detective Danny “Danno” Williams (Scott Caan), a newly relocated ex-New Jersey cop who prefers skyscrapers to the coastline but is committed to keeping the Islands safe for his 8-year-old daughter; and Chin Ho Kelly (Daniel Dae Kim), an ex-Honolulu Police Detective wrongly accused of corruption and relegated to a federal security patrol, who is also a former protégé of McGarrett’s father. Chin’s cousin, Kono (Grace Park), is a beautiful and fearless native, fresh out of the academy and eager to establish herself among the department’s elite. McGarrett vows to bring closure to his father’s case while the state’s brash new FIVE-0 unit, who may spar and jest among themselves, is determined to eliminate the seedy elements from the 50th state. Peter Lenkov, Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci are executive producers.

TUESDAY

8 – 9 PM: NCIS

9 – 10 PM: NCIS: Los Angeles

10 – 11 PM: The Good Wife

WEDNESDAY

8 – 9 PM: Survivor

9 – 10 PM: Criminal Minds

10 – 11 PM: The Defenders: Jim Belushi and Jerry O’Connell star in a comedic drama about two colorful Las Vegas defense attorneys who go all-in when it comes to representing their clients. Nick and Pete are the local go-to guys with an eclectic client list who are still looking to hit their own jackpot. Leading the law firm of Morelli & Kaczmarek are Nick Morelli (Belushi), an earnest, hard-charging attorney who represents his clients to the best of his ability, no matter how big or small the case, and his partner, Pete Kaczmarek (O’Connell), whose passion for the law is matched only by his love of fast cars, beautiful women and expensive clothes.

Joining them in their growing law practice is new associate Lisa Tyler (Jurnee Smollett), an enthusiastic young attorney looking to put her exotic dancing days behind her; and their young assistant, Sophie (Tanya Fischer), a spunky and sweet ingénue who is eager to please her bosses. As Lady Luck shines on their legal careers, the partners have their hands full when it comes to their personal lives. While Pete is busy cruising the Vegas Strip for his latest romantic conquest, Nick is focused on repairing his fractured marriage to his estranged wife, Jessica (Gillian Vigman), while remaining present in the life of their young son. No matter the offense, Nick and Pete aim to prove that when the stakes are high they’re willing to bet the house on the clients they defend in Sin City. Carol Mendelsohn, Niels Mueller and Kevin Kennedy, Joe and Harry Gantz, and Davis Guggenheim are the executive producers.

THURSDAY

8 – 8:30 PM: The Big Bang Theory

8:30 – 9 PM: $#*! My Dad Says

Based on the popular Twitter feed by Justin Halpern, this comedy stars Emmy Award winner William Shatner as Ed Goodson, a forthright and opinionated dad who relishes expressing his unsolicited and often wildly politically incorrect observations to anyone within earshot. Nobody is immune from Ed’s rants, including his sons, Henry, a struggling writer-turned-unpaid blogger; and Vince (Will Sasso), the meek half of his husband/wife real estate duo with domineering Kathleen (Nicole Sullivan). When Henry finds he can no longer afford to pay rent to his pretty roommate — and secret admirer — Sam (Stephanie Lemelin), Ed reveals a soft spot and invites Henry to move in with him. Henry agrees, knowing that the verbal assault will not abate and now there will be no escape. Describing their father/son relationship is tricky – but Ed will easily come up with a few choice words. Emmy Award winners David Kohan and Max Mutchnick are executive producers. Emmy Award winner James Burrows directed.

9 -10 PM: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

10 – 11 PM: The Mentalist

FRIDAY

8 – 9 PM: Medium

9 – 10 PM: CSI: NY

10 – 11 PM: Blue Bloods: a drama about a multi-generational family of cops dedicated to New York City law enforcement. Frank Reagan (Tom Selleck) is the New York Chief of Police and patriarch of the Reagan brood, which he heads as diplomatically as he does the force, even when dealing with the politics that plagued his unapologetically bold father, Henry (Len Cariou), during his stint as Chief. A source of pride and concern for Frank is his eldest son Danny (Donnie Wahlberg), a seasoned detective, family man and Iraqi War vet who on occasion uses dubious tactics to solve cases.

The sole Reagan woman in the family, Erin (Bridget Moynahan), is a N.Y. Assistant D.A. and newly single parent, who also serves as the legal compass for her siblings and father. Jamie (Will Estes) is the youngest Reagan, fresh out of Harvard Law and the family’s “golden boy.” However, unable to deny the family tradition, Jamie decided to give up a lucrative future in law and is now a newly minted cop, a career change seemingly supported by his beautiful girlfriend, Sydney Davenport (Dylan Moore), a first year lawyer. Jamie’s life takes an abrupt turn, however, when he’s asked to become part of a clandestine police investigation even his father knows nothing about, and one that could impact the family’s legacy. Emmy Award winners Mitchell Burgess, Robin Green and Leonard Goldberg are executive producers.

SATURDAY

8 – 10 PM: Crimetime Saturday

10 – 11 PM: 48 Hours Mystery

SUNDAY

7 – 8 PM: 60 Minutes

8 – 9 PM: The Amazing Race

9 – 10 PM: Undercover Boss

10 – 11 PM: CSI: Miami

Canceled:

* Accidentally on Purpose
* Cold Case
* Gary Unmarried
* Ghost Whisperer
* Miami Medical
* The New Adventures of Old Christine
* Numb3rs

New at midseason:

* Still-untitled Criminal Minds spin-off: Academy Award-winner Forest Whitaker stars in a drama about an elite team of agents within the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit who use unconventional methods of investigation and aggressive tactics to capture the nation’s most nefarious criminals. Unit chief Special Agent Sam Cooper (Whitaker) is a mentally and physically fierce natural leader who is not afraid to put his career on the line in order to stand by his convictions.

Cooper strives to avoid political bureaucracy and has handpicked an eclectic group of profilers to work outside the confines of Quantico: Former British Special Forces soldier Mick Rawson (Matt Ryan), confident and handsome, works as a highly-skilled marksman with an undiluted eye for rooting out evil; John “Prophet” Sims (Michael Kelly), a former convict with a street-smart edge and a calm, Zen-like presence, who is determined to make amends for past sins; and Gina LaSalle (Beau Garrett), an attractive, tough agent armed with a cunning sense of perception. This exceptional group of FBI operatives is strong in their beliefs and steadfast in their mission to bring the country’s most dangerous criminals to justice. Chris Mundy, Edward Allen Bernero, Mark Gordon and Deborah Spera are executive producers.

Most enjoyable panel by a broadcast network: “Great Performances: Macbeth,” PBS.

I’ll freely admit that I was predisposed to enjoy the panel due to the fact that it featured the newly-knighted Sir Patrick Stewart, but I spoke to others afterwards who declared it to have been the best panel of the tour up to that point. Partial credit for the success goes to the critics in the audience, who consistently offered up intelligent questions about the subject matter at hand…and let me assure you that this is not always the case. Even on an occasion when an attempt at going in a unique direction fell flat, such as when one writer asked Stewart if he was familiar with FX’s “Sons of Anarchy” (it’s been called a Shakespearean saga on motorcycles), it led to the revelation that Ron Perlman has played an interesting place in Stewart’s life. “I was having dinner with Ron Perlman the day that I was offered Jean-Luc Picard in ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation,’” he said, ‘so I have always looked on Ron as being a lucky omen. So you mentioning his name today, I hope, means that the rest of the day is going to be brighter than it begin.” At the very least, Sir Patrick’s remarks during the panel brightened mine.

Most interactive panel by a cable network: “The Choir,” BBC America.

Gareth Malone is a man on a mission to bring music to those who may not think that they have an interest in it, creating choirs in various schools in England and helping the youth of today raise their voices in song. We soon discovered that this extended to television critics as well. “In England, everyone knows that when I enter a room, everyone’s going to sing,” Malone began ominously, “so I would like to invite you to leave your Apples and come up onto stage, and we’re going to have a little singsong.” The immediate reaction was less than enthusiastic, with at least one person piping up, “It’s against the bylaws!” Malone would not be denied, however. “It will be very brief,” he assured us. “I’ll be very, very, kind. I promise not to do opera. Honestly, it’s going to be very, very gentle. I promise. Risk it. There won’t be very much. Typists, abandon your typing!” In the end, he managed to get a couple of dozen of us up there…yes, I was among the huddled masses…to perform a not-as-bad-as-it-could’ve-been chorus of “Barbara Ann.” As there is neither an audio recording nor a YouTube clip to prove otherwise, you may feel free to believe that I personally sounded fantastic.

Best intro to a panel from a cable network: “Dance Your Ass Off,” Oxygen.

All I know about this show is what I’ve learned from watching clips on “The Soup,” but when a panel starts off by having its panelists literally dancing their way down the aisles and onto the stage, at the very least, it gets your attention.

Best stunt by a broadcast network during a panel: In order to keep the rumors in check about Simon Cowell’s reported departure from “American Idol,” the network’s executive session kicked off with Cowell coming onto the stage, announcing that he would be leaving “Idol” in favor of an American version of his hit British series, “The X Factor,” then proceeding to sign the paperwork to seal the deal right in front of us.

You know, I don’t watch “American Idol,” and I probably won’t watch “The X Factor,” either, but I have to admit: watching Simon sign those documents was one of those moments where I felt like I was witnessing TV history in the making. Granted, it’s because people will look back at it as the moment that most of America said, “Oh, man, now the show is really going to suck,” but, hey, it’s still history.

Best question asked during a cable network panel: The panel in question was for Animal Planet’s “Fatal Attractions,” a three-part miniseries which explores why some people are driven to bring dangerous, wild creatures like chimpanzees, big cats, and venomous reptiles right into their homes. The trailer for the program was decidedly disconcerting to just about everyone, I think, but it was Jonathan Storm of the Philadelphia Inquirer – the man who once kicked off a “Kardashians” panel by asking, “Who are you and why should we care about you?” – who got the mike first, and, boy, did he let his feelings show. “Where does this end?” he asked. “Here you have crazy people who take dangerous animals into their homes, and you’re going to present and tell their interesting stories…? Is there a point at which the behavior of the people that you are glorifying in these reality shows becomes so ridiculous that you will refuse to put it on, or is it simply a question of keeping your digital channel and making a little bit of money off of it?” Marjorie Kaplan, the President and General Manager of Animal Planet, looked like she’d had the wind knocked out of her, responding at first only with a flustered “My goodness!” She quickly recovered, however, arguing that “we are not trying to present outrageous things; we are telling stories that happen in the world.” Methinks, however, that Jonathan remained unconvinced.

Most common recurring question during the panels: “What do you think Conan should do?” / “What do you think of Conan’s letter?” Simon’s departure from “American Idol” was one thing, but it couldn’t touch the evolving Conan vs. Jay saga. The anticipation for NBC’s executive session was such that even Showtime’s Bob Greenblatt admitted in his opening remarks, “I’d love to get my temporary TCA card so that I could sit in,” so it was no surprise when Jeff Gaspin, chairman of NBC-Universal Television Entertainment, kicked things off by saying, “I see we have a full house. I heard there were some scalpers outside…”

While it was fun to watch Gaspin squirm (though, in fairness, he held his own pretty well), it became a full-fledged sport to see what kind of comments we could get from others about the late-night fracas, particularly folks on the same network.

* Greg Daniels, producer of “The Office” and “Parks and Recreation,” has been friends with Conan since their days on “The Simpsons,” so it stood to reason that someone would ask if he’d talked to his old buddy. “I spoke to Conan yesterday,” he said, “and he and I agreed that the ‘Parks and Rec’ panel at the TCA would be the most appropriate time and place to announce his plans.” He was kidding, of course…though I swear I heard some exasperated grunts when he admitted as much.

* Jerry Seinfeld was in the house to promote his new production, “The Marriage Ref,” and although he clearly has a long history in stand-up with Leno, I think it still surprised a lot of people when he asked rhetorically, “What did the network do to him? I don’t think anyone is preventing people from watching Conan. There’s no rules. Once they give you the cameras, it’s on you, so I can’t blame NBC for having to move things around.”

* “Oh, I hope to God he stays,” said NBC News’ Brian Williams, when I brought up the subject during the network’s all-star party. “We feel, I think, like east coast Irish-Catholic brothers. We came up and followed prominent people into our jobs and kind of came up at the same time. We talked about it a lot on the air. Conan’s got a great New England, almost blue-collar for a Harvard kid, work ethic. He drives himself hard, and I have just always found us to be kindred spirits. I love his sense of humor.”

* In a press scrum later during the aforementioned party, Chevy Chase – himself a veteran of the talk show wars (albeit one with a decidedly shorter period of service) – was typically outspoken, indicating that Conan was getting the shaft from NBC. “I think he’s too good for ‘The Tonight Show’ in terms of intellect,” he said, “and maybe too bad for it because of that, too. the way I look at it, from where I stand, Conan is getting screwed and it’s because of (NBC’s) long life relationship with Jay. I’m not saying Jay’s screwing him, because I wouldn’t deign to do that. I’m just saying, I don’t think he’s getting much respect, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he were gone. I think he’s too intelligent and too bright and funny and will find whatever he needs to find so he can do his sort of humor.”

A few days later, the shit really hit the fan…and, man, you cannot imagine the electricity that was coursing through the room when Conan dropped his hell-no-we-won’t-go letter bomb. (I swear, Bill Carter of The New York Times was literally glowing.) Bill Lawrence, producer of “Scrubs” and “Cougar Town,” was grinning from ear to ear when he brought it up during the ABC comedy show-runners panel, describing it as “ballsy.”

“I love it, man,” said Lawrence. “It’s just the way that I hoped it would go. What a talented dude, and I’m sure it’s going to lead to good things for him. It made me happy.”

Dude, you’re preaching to the choir.

Most promising new broadcast network program that I didn’t know anything about before going into the tour: “Code 58,” Fox.

In my defense, however, no one knew much about “Code 58” beyond the fact that it was going to star Bradley Whitford and Colin Hanks as an old-school cop and a modern-day detective…and we didn’t even know that much until the panel was being introduced. Even then, the series was presented with a parenthetical reminder that it’s in possession of a working title, which means that we don’t even know for sure that it is going to be called “Code 58.”

Fortunately, in a move reminiscent of NBC’s pre-premiere “Parks and Recreation” panel from the last January tour, Fox opted to pass out the script for the pilot to all attendees. Not only does the script make it seem as though the show has potential, but Whitford and Hanks were on fire during the panel, thanks in no small part to the amount of riffing opportunities provided by Whitford’s new ‘stache. “My growing this mustache,” mused Whitford, “I gotta say, it reminds me of a lot of the work DeNiro did in ‘Raging Bull.’’) Alas, we won’t know ‘til May how the end result will turn out, but my fingers are crossed.

Panelist most prone to talking in circles: Al Pacino, “You Don’t Know Jack” (HBO). When asked if doing an HBO movie felt any different than doing a theatrical release, Pacino replied, “Well, it’s television. It’s HBO, and so HBO is television. And television is you have to do a lot in a short period of time so that’s the difference, the only difference. Otherwise, it’s the same.” Oh, okay.

Then, on the matter of the film’s title, he said, “I don’t think a lot of people know can really say that they know Jack Kevorkian, especially when you get to know him or you get to get his read on things and get to know more about him. When you see the image that was portrayed of Jack Kevorkian during his time, and you get you get a sense of someone quite different than the personality that I got to know. Not that I got to know him personally, mind you, but just to the research I did and the work I did, in order to get closer to who I could sort of interpret. I think the title is apt because you don’t know this guy. And, hopefully, in the movie you still don’t.”

Al, I love you, but sometimes you make my head spin.

Best anecdote(s) during a panel: Louis C.K.

His new FX sitcom, “Louie,” offers a look into the stand-up comedian’s life as a divorced dad, showing both his interactions with his kids and his attempts to reenter the world of dating. During the course of the panel, he proceeded to tell a worst-case scenario situation from each side, and they were both pretty awesome.

On the topic of his worst date, Louis hemmed and hawed at first, explaining that pretty much all of his dates have been pretty bad. “Dating is horrible,” he said. “It’s awful. I don’t get it. It’s just…you’re standing there, going, ‘Hi, do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn’t?’ It’s horrible. And it’s awkward at 42 because I don’t have the body or the drive. I don’t have sex drive. I have sex sit-in-the-car-and-hope-somebody-gets-in. And I’m amongst young people, because most people my age aren’t dating unless there’s something wrong with them…like me.”

Finally, however, he conceded that maybe one of dates did kind of stand out. “I went out with a woman once,” he said, “and I flew her to New York City. I was living in Boston. I said, ‘Hey, I’m not going to tell you where we’re going,’ and I had this romantic image that we would get on the shuttle and go to New York and go to Tavern on the Green and then fly back, but it was just a debacle. The flights were delayed – y’know, security problems – and we got to New York really late, sat in a cab in Queens for about two hours, and Tavern on the Green…you can’t just walk in there. I’m an idiot. We got turned away. And I stand outside Tavern on the Green with her, going, ‘“I’m sorry, I guess I didn’t plan this well,’ and a pigeon shat directly on top of my head. Just a huge amount of shit. White pigeon shit. With black streaks.

“That one,” he admitted, “was pretty bad.”

Insofar as his kids were concerned, Louis focused on a moment with his daughter, and although you’ll soon see that the subject matter was, in general, about as unfunny as it gets, I couldn’t help but laugh, because as the father of a 4-year-old daughter, I’ve had to battle back from similar bouts of speechlessness in order to come up with a halfway intelligent answer to a very serious subject.

“I was on the subway with my daughter,” he said, “and she said to me that her friend in school told her that his grandparents were put in an oven during a war. And, I mean, this is the kind of high wire act parenting is, because you don’t get warned that you’re going to have this conversation. I’m just holding onto a strap, and she says (this), and I was like, ‘What the fuck?’ And she says, ‘Daddy, does that happen? Do people put each other in ovens?’ And what do you say, because you can’t just go, ‘No, your friend’s a liar.’ And you also can’t go, ‘Oh, yeah. That was Hitler, and just,” you know. And you also can’t just go, ‘Yeah, that happens sometimes. You never know. Sometimes somebody will grab you and shove you in an oven.’ So she’s standing there, waiting, and you have to come up with the thing. And what I ended up saying was…like, to me, with my daughter, it’s always the truth. I try to tell her the truth. And so I told her the truth, which was, ‘I don’t know what to say to you about this right now.’ I said, ‘I’m not sure you should know about it. If you really want to know, I’ll tell you.’ I was just buying time while my brain was working behind me. But she said, ‘Yeah, don’t tell me yet.’ She’s smart, but she doesn’t need to know about Hitler yet. She was six years old when this happened. How do you take a kid from Santa Claus to the evil of Hitler and Stalin and all that shit? I don’t know.”

I don’t know, either, of course, but I know that Louis should be very proud of his daughter: not every little girl would allow their father to retain his dignity in such a manner, let alone give him a story that he can use during the TCA tour.

Largest panel that really only needed to consist of two people: “The Pacific,” HBO. Surely the network knew full well that the cast of this upcoming WWII miniseries weren’t going to be asked nearly as many questions as its producers, Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg, but it was a pleasant surprise to find Hanks taking the reins of the panel as often as not. He tackled the first question – about the differences between this program and its predecessor, “Band of Brothers” – with the seriousness it warranted, but when the second question was posed, he began, “If I can be so bold to continue talking and not let anybody else have a moment…”

Spielberg soon managed to find his way into the conversation with some frequency as well, though he and Hanks often slipped into Abbott and Costello mode when trying to determine who was going to get to answer a question.

Tom Hanks: Go ahead.
Steven Spielberg: You go.
Tom Hanks: No, no, no. Go ahead, because I’ll pontificate for an hour and a half. I’m going to sound like Ricky Gervais in 20 minutes.
Steven Spielberg: Now I can’t follow up, because I was going to get really serious here
Tom Hanks: Oh, please.

When Spielberg cracked a joke about how they maintained their relationship with HBO because the network gave them a lot of money, Hanks added, “I’m going to assume that all you cracked members of the fourth estate can appreciate sarcasm when it comes your way.” With that assumption made, he then later claimed that the network had approached them about continuing their collaboration by saying, “We are more successful, we make more money than all the commercial networks combined, we’ve got $250 million to blow. Do you want to do anything with it?”

Eventually, fellow producer Gary Goetzman acknowledged that he and his fellow panelists knew their place in the proceedings and, as such, weren’t even trying to answer any of the questions. “Why would we?” he asked. “We’ve got Steven and Tom!”

Best opening line from any interview that I did during the tour: Jonathan Demme. I opened by telling him that I was a huge fan of his Robyn Hitchcock concert film, “Storefront Hitchcock.” His reply: “I love you very much.”

Best one-on-one interview with a fabricated American: Warren the Ape. I hope to talk to him at greater length before his new MTV series premieres, but in the meantime, I’ll always have these moments to treasure.

Best one-on-one interview with a human: Patrick Stewart. And, believe me, no other human even comes close.

We were originally only supposed to chat for ten minutes, but when his publicist came back to check on us at the 10-minute mark, we’d talked solely about Shakespeare, so I asked if I could ask him a couple of questions about his work in comedy. The next thing I knew, I’d virtually doubled my interview time and was left reeling from the fact that not only he was telling me about how much he enjoyed the “Phil McCracken, Scottish Therapist” sketch he’d done on “Saturday Night Live,” he’d actually launched into the character for a line or two.

It’s a testament to Stewart’s career that it wasn’t until I stood up to leave that I finally managed to mention “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” Turns out we both have the same favorite episode: “The Inner Light.” You know, I knew there was a reason I liked that guy…

Most unnecessary event by a cable network: TV Guide Network’s “‘Curb’ Your Appetite” Luncheon, which the network staged mostly to let critics know that they’d soon be running “Curb Your Enthusiasm” reruns, throwing in a reminder about their then-upcoming Golden Globes coverage. Yes, it was nice to see Cheryl Hines, and her remarks about the experience of working with Larry David were entertaining enough, but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one who beat a hasty retreat as soon as they’d finished their meal. I kind of wanted to talk to Hines for a minute, but it wasn’t worth having to feign interest in chatting with the network’s red-carpet regulars, Carrie Ann Inaba and Chris Harrison.

Best party by a cable network: the Discovery Networks’ 25th anniversary reception.

Even though there isn’t a single 100%absolute-must-see series for me anywhere within the Discovery family of networks, there was just way too much going on at this function for me to give the award to anyone else. There was barbeque and ribs from the guys from “BBQ Pitmasters,” cupcakes from the “Cake Boss,” and a huge cast of characters from the various series, including Ed Begley, Jr., Bill Nye, Stacey and Clinton from “What Not to Wear,” the Little Couple, and – courtesy of Animal Planet, of course – a baby giraffe who was quite happy to accept some leaves or even a pat on the nose.

On a side note, this was also the event which found me witnessing one of the funniest moments of the tour, but I’d feel guilty if I called out the person who was involved, as she’s such a complete sweetheart. As such, I will only say this: if you’re about to approach someone who you think is Adam Savage from “Mythbusters” but not you’re not 100% sure it’s them, be sure to lead by asking, “Are you the guy from ‘Mythbusters’?” Because if it turns out they’re actually Mikey from “American Chopper,” it could be really embarrassing.

The party by a broadcast network that I was clearly supposed to think was awesome, even though I was personally only “meh” to it: CBS’s gala to celebrate the 10th anniversary of “Survivor.”

I am assured by the network’s press release that it was the largest gathering of former “Survivor” contestants ever, but if I’m to be honest, I’ve only ever watched one episode of the show (the season finale of the first season), and the only person I had any real interest in meeting – Rudy Boesch – is from my area, anyway, so it’s not like I had to fly to California to accomplish that. Still, I did remember a buddy of mine telling me that Jonny Fairplay from Season 7 was from Danville, VA, where I went to college, so I approached him and told him that I’d attended Averett University. He replied, “Oh, so you paid too much for your education, huh?” He then proceeded to reply to my request for a photo with the following pose:

That’s right, Jonny, keep it classy. You’ve got a reputation to keep up, after all.

Best all-star party by a broadcast network: Fox. You know how you can tell Fox is #1? The open bar at their all-star party offered 18-year-old Scotch.

I wasn’t the only one impressed by this, either: by evening’s end, I was getting tips on the proper way to drink the beverage by Tyler Labine (soon to be starring in “Sons of Tucson”), a scenario made even more surreal by the fact that he was imparting me with this wisdom with Tim Roth sitting next to him. I’ve been led to understand that I might’ve been less impressed with the festivities if my goal had been to talk to the kids from “Glee,” since most of them were apparently in possession of personal publicists who were trying to shield them from conversations lasting longer than 60 seconds. Personally, though, I had a blast.

Best cocktail party by a broadcast network: CBS. I might’ve been indifferent to the “Survivor” function, but CBS really came through for me by kicking off the first night of the tour with “Drinks with the DiNozzos,” an “NCIS”-themed cocktail soiree which served to spotlight the then-upcoming 150th episode of the series.

The pluralization of Michael Weatherly’s character’s last name was due to the appearance of the man who played Tony’s father in the episode: Robert Wagner. As someone who grew up worshiping at the altar of “Hart to Hart,” just being able to meet RJ – it’s totally cool to call him that, btw – was enough of a thrill for me, but as ever, it was wonderful to once again see my photo buddy, Pauley Perrette, who remains one of the sweetest people I’ve met during the course of my TCA tour experiences. I also had the opportunity to speak with Cote de Pablo (Ziva) for a few minutes, as well as to ask executive producer Shane Brennan about the challenges of making southern California look like the Hampton Roads area of Virginia, but the best bit definitely came when I was chatting with Wagner and Weatherly together.

When I told Weatherly that I hailed from Norfolk, he said, “I might’ve told you this one before, Will, but…hey, RJ, I’ve got a joke for you.” He then launched into a joke which, rather than relate in full, I’ll just tell you that the punchline was, indeed, “Norfolk, Virginia,” with the second half of “Norfolk” pronounced with a decidedly obscene inflection. We all had a good laugh, I turned off my recorder, and as the conversation closed, Wagner and Weatherly decided to work out their golf plans for the next day.

“Now,” said Wagner, “you should go home to your wife.”

“What are you going to do, RJ?” asked Weatherly…and RJ, with a perfectly deadpan expression, told him rather explicitly what he was planning to go do. Immediately after doing so, however, he adopted a horrified look, and I watched his eyes move from Weatherly down to my recorder.

“Oh, no, don’t worry,” I said. “I turned that off back at ‘Norfolk, Virginia.'”

RJ roared with laughter and clapped me on the shoulder. “You’re a good man,” he said, then strolled off to, I can only presume, do exactly what he’d said he was going to do, the lucky bastard.

I should add that, while this was the first thing that I attended after arriving in Pasadena, it wasn’t the first event of the tour. It was actually the third. I’d planned to attend all three, but…well, therein lies a tale.

Biggest disappointment of the tour: missing the opportunity to visit the sets of ABC’s “FlashForward” and NBC’s “Community.” Since I live in Virginia and don’t always have the opportunities afforded by my L.A.-based peers, I’m always excited by the prospect of a visit to the set of a TV show. The idea of hitting the “FlashForward” set was intriguing, given that the show’s had some turmoil, but since I’d declared “Community” to be my favorite new series of the 2009 fall season, I was really psyched at the thought of touring the campus of Greendale Community College. Heck, I’d even checked in with my Facebook friend Yvette Nicole Brown to tell her to keep an eye out for me! As such, when I arrived at the airport in Newport News and got word that my flight was delayed such that I would likely miss my connecting flight in Atlanta, you can probably guess how crestfallen I was. Still, I am a professional, so I sucked it up and only wept openly for about five or ten minutes. Later, one of my peers told me that the cast of “Community” made them laugh ‘til they cried, and I rationalized that I’d been given the opportunity to cut to the chase and avoid all of that time-consuming laughter.

Most awesome visit to the set of a network show: “How I Met Your Mother.” Although it’s tempting to include “Glee,” particularly since both Lea Michelle (Rachel) and Amber Riley (Mercedes) gave us phenomenal performances of “Maybe This Time” and “Don’t Make Me Over,” respectively, I cannot describe the trip to the set of “How I Met Your Mother” as anything but legen…wait for it, and I hope you’re not lactose-intolerant…dary. Not only we were treated to breakfast while sitting in McClaren’s (or, at least, on the set of it, anyway), but we were witness to the cast’s table read for an upcoming episode (“Hooked”), and although Carrie Underwood was unavailable to read her part (she plays Ted’s new girlfriend), Bob Saget turned up to read his narration in person.

Cheapest thrill of the tour: shaking hands with Alyson Hannigan after the “How I Met Your Mother” table read.

I’ve always been a sucker for a redhead, but, c’mon, this is a redhead who manages to be both cute as a button and sexy as hell…which is, for the record, why she’s one of very few actresses who could successfully play a kindergarten teacher who loves porn.

I was so caught up in my enjoyment of the table read…seriously, it’s one of the funniest episode this season…that I managed to resist blatantly staring at her, but when things wrapped up, even though we were being hustled back to the bus, I couldn’t resist going up to her to shake her hand, thank her, and tell her that I’d had a great time. I realize I’m reading between the lines here, since all she did was smile and say, “Oh, thanks,” but I’m pretty sure it was good for her, too.

Coolest moment of the tour that had to be seen to be appreciated: Chevy Chase doing a double-take when he turned around to do an interview with me.

Most awesome live performance of the tour: Nope, it’s not the “Glee” kids here, either. It’s Mary Chapin Carpenter, who turned up to help hype PBS’s upcoming airing of Rounder Records’ 40th Anniversary Concert.

Like the majority of her fans, I came aboard with the release of Come On Come On, so the fact that she opened with “The Hard Way” and closed with “Passionate Kisses” was enough to make the evening worthwhile for me, but he also threw in some songs from her more recent records, along with two tracks from a forthcoming release that were good enough to make me want to pre-order it the moment the house lights came up.

Best off-site visit that was in no way connected to the tour: Pie ‘n’ Burger. I can’t vouch for any other items on the menu, but if the goal of this Pasadena institution was to name themselves after two things that they make spectacularly well, then, by God, they succeeded in spades.

I actually ended up hitting this fabled joint on two occasions – first with one of my closest friends and her beau, then again with some of my compatriots from Popdose.com when, even after a delicious and filling Mexican dinner, my description of the pie proved far too tempting a lure to resist – but it was my initial trip which resulted in concrete proof that I can’t escape from the TCA even when I try.

Within five minutes of sitting down for a well-done cheeseburger and a piece of coconut meringue pie, Jorge Garcia, a.k.a. Hurley from “Lost,” strolled in. Guess I wasn’t the only one who was disappointed by ABC’s decision to take a pass on offering an evening event. Fortunately, we both found solace at the Pie ‘N’ Burger.

Best in-joke amongst a small handful of TCA members: Zombie Harry Chapin. There is very possibly no way to make this funny to anyone who either wasn’t part of the original conversation or doesn’t enjoy zombie humor, but I’ll give it a shot.

It all started with someone in the midst of the panel / performance for PBS’s “Rounder Records 40th Anniversary Concert” forgetting the name of the actual performer, Mary Chapin Carpenter, and asking if it was Harry Chapin playing. After explaining that Harry Chapin had been dead for almost 30 years, someone began to riff on the idea that we would soon be seeing a rare concert appearance by none other than Zombie Harry Chapin. Soon, we began to consider ZHC’s possible between-song patter (“Here… another… song… about… brains…”), and by the time the Golden Globes had rolled around, we were imagining how he might accept his award. (“Zombie… Harry… Chapin… not… know… where… to… begin…”).

Rather than ending with the tour, this strange one-note joke has since expanded to include a Facebook presence (Zombie Harry Chapin – Official Fan Group), and with the recent announcement that AMC has greenlit a pilot based on Robert Kirkland’s zombie comic, “The Walking Dead,” I have every reason to believe that Zombie Harry Chapin is poised for global domination…but, then, what else would you expect a zombie to do?

Funniest case of mistaken identity than was funnier to me than the other person involved: Right before I left, I had a copy of David Bianculli’s new book, “Dangerously Funny: The Uncensored Story of the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour,” sent to me at the hotel, but although it was scheduled to have arrived on the first Monday, it never made it to my room.

I went down to the front desk and asked about it, and they said that, yes, it had arrived, yet no one could seem to figure out where it had gone. I said, “Well, it’s not in my room, and it’s not in the TCA suite, so I’m pretty sure I can guess where it is.” You see, there’s a suspicious character in the TCA who goes by the name of Bill Harris. He writes for the Toronto Sun and, owing to his encyclopedic knowledge of all things “Simpsons,” he refers to me as “Senor Spielbergo,” since I’m his non-union American equivalent. I told the concierge, “I guarantee it was accidentally delivered to his room.”

Within a few minutes, there came a knock at my hotel room door, and it was a hotel employee holding the book in one hand and the press release and envelope in the other. “You were right, sir,” he said. “It was delivered to him. He wasn’t in his room, so I just went ahead and picked it up. Unfortunately, he’d already opened it. I hope that’s all right.” Stifling a laugh, I thanked him, then sat down and composed an apologetic E-mail to Bill entitled “The Case of the Mysterious Disappearing Book,” explaining that he could request a copy of the book from the publicist. He accepted the apology, but he admitted, “That’s just not nearly as much fun as getting your copy.”

Best trend of the tour: confirming that Facebook has helped me create friendships rather than just fly-by-night encounters. Okay, that sounds dirty, so let me clarify that a little bit. As a work-at-home writer who sits in front of his computer all day, it’s somewhat of a given that I tend to frequent Facebook on a way-too-regular basis, but in order to feel a little less guilty about it, I tend to befriend folks I’ve interviewed, publicists that I regularly deal with, and, of course, my fellow TV critics. As a result, I felt more a part of the TCA tour than ever before, and it was awesome.

Worst trend of the tour: actors with belligerent or just plain rude personal publicists. The problem with complaining about this issue, however, is that you don’t know for sure if the problem is really the publicist. It’s possible that the actor has simply given the publicist specific instructions to be the bad cop. I have heard through the grapevine, however, that the network publicists are generally no more thrilled with the personal publicists than we are. It doesn’t change anything, but, hey, at least we both get someone to commiserate with.

And on that note, allow me to close with…

The If-You-Don’t-Want-To-Be-Here-Then-Why-Don’t-You-Get-The-Hell-Out-Already? Award: Jerry Seinfeld. After offering up an entertaining performance during the panel for NBC’s new reality show, “The Marriage Ref,” on which he’s serving as an executive producer, Jerry decided to take up residence in a little alcove within the area serving as the location of the network’s all-star party. Sounds great, except for one thing: he apparently decided from the get-go that he wasn’t going to be doing any interviews.

When I first spotted him, nestled in his little hideaway, he was having a bit of wine with Chevy Chase, but when Chevy departed to fulfill his own publicity duties, I approached the gentleman hovering on the fringes of Jerry’s private area and, as there were no other writers nearby at the moment, politely asked if I could just ask Jerry two questions. The gentleman said, “I don’t think so, but just a moment.” He leaned over and talked momentarily to a woman who I cannot definitively identify (but who others seemed to think was Seinfeld’s missus), then returned to me and said, “No, I’m afraid not. He’s very tired.”

Really, Jerry? Sorry, but at the risk of maintaining the status quo and never getting an interview, I really feel as though I have to ask: why did you bother to attend the party in the first place? It’s not as though it was held as a social event. It was a working function for the television critics to chat with the cast and producers of NBC-Universal’s new series. If you wanted to have drinks with Chevy, then the least you could’ve done was go somewhere where your presence wasn’t serving solely to taunt the critics with the possibility of an interview that they were never gonna get.

Hear me and hear me well: the day will come…oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld…your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face, and I’ll be there in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!

By the way, I totally stole that last bit from the “Seinfeld” finale, but, oddly enough, I think the sentiment works just fine here, too.

* Regarding the decision to place the new reality series “Undercover Boss” in the plum spot following the Super Bowl, she said that it was a combination of good timing and a good series. “We’re very high on the show, but we spent a lot of time talking about what the right strategy would be,” she said. “We’ve seen five or six episodes of ‘Undercover Boss’ by now, and there is a tone and a quality to the show that we felt was a great fit after the Super Bowl. It is aspirational. It is a feel-good program.
Everybody who is sitting and watching the Super Bowl, be you 8 or 80, can stay right there and enjoy the program. I think 15 years ago, that spot was used to launch new programming. Obviously, in the last 10, 15 years it’s been used more as a platform to get greater exposure for existing shows. But we thought, ‘You know what? We have a great project, we’re very high on it, and we think we’re going to launch another big-branded reality show.'”

* Obviously, NBC’s continued fall from grace via the great failure that was “The Jay Leno Show” was a topic of conversation that everyone wanted Tassler to weigh in on. “Through it all, we have to realize that ABC, CBS and FOX…we’ve all fared, I think, very well during this experimental phase for NBC,” she said. “But if we can harken back to when there was that grand proclamation about 8 o’clock at NBC…? Remember? We all wrote about that: 8 o’clock was over at NBC. They were going to have a whole different strategy developing for 8 o’clock. And then along came 10 o’clock, and they were going to have a whole different strategy for 10 o’clock. You know, I think ultimately, there is no substitute for developing great shows, working with great talent, and getting your program on the air.”

“The unfortunate thing is that our creative community was to some degree somewhat bruised by this,” she continued. “I think that the talent as this was taking place, a lot of people were put out of work. A lot of people really saw this as having a pretty negative impact on our business. But I think right now for us, it just allowed us to get a bigger piece of the ad revenue pie at 10 o’clock, and again, what I have the most trouble with is for their company, their decision to do what they did, to sort of turn that and say that his is a reflection on the whole network business, I think is misguided. Our business is thriving right now. We are enjoying success with new hit shows, as is ABC, as is FOX. So I think at the end of the day, it was an experiment that obviously did not work, but for us, like I said, there’s no substitute for just developing and producing and launching great shows.”

There’s certainly no question that a couple of CBS earned some additional success from viewers’ indifference to “The Jay Leno Show.” As Tassler observed, “We moved ‘The Mentalist’ to 10 o’clock on Thursday night and launched ‘The Good Wife,’ so 10 o’clock has been good business for us.”

“So, Bill, did you hear CBS canceled my show again? Goddammit!”

* The same, however, cannot be said for at least one of the network’s 9 PM shows, “Three Rivers,” which Tassler confirmed has been canceled, despite liberal use of the word “hiatus” in most statements. “We’ve all known each other long enough to say when something’s on hiatus, it’s code for something else,” she said, earning a huge laugh.

She sobered the room a bit, however, with her next statement. “The reality is we are very proud of that show, and it’s not too often that you get mail that lets you know as a network that eight lives were saved as a result of the organ donation that people became aware of because of that show,” she said. “At the end of the day, knowing the fact that that show was on the air and had that kind of impact is pretty extraordinary.”

* Regarding the decision to pit “Survivor: All Stars” against the Olympics, Tassler responded, “We are so high on this season of ‘Survivor’ that we think it’s certainly going to continue to do well in its time period. I think it’s sort of a mixed bag between new shows and repeats, but our strategy is to continue putting the shows out there, letting the fans come to the shows as they see fit, and whoever is going to watch the Olympics is going to watch them anyway. They’re also different audience bases. So I think we’ll be fine.”

* When asked about Charlie Sheen’s recent arrest and domestic abuse charges, Tassler indicated that it had not resulted in any problems at the network or on the show, describing things as “business as usual.” “Right now we’re being very sensitive to the fact that this is a very personal and very private matter for Charlie,” she said. “There’s been no impact on the network right now. The show is proceeding along its regular project schedule and taped a show last night, so right now there’s been no impact. I really have to credit Chuck (Lorre); he runs a wonderful show.”

* Tassler concedes that “American Idol” remains in her mind “still the Death Star,” but that the network’s counter-programming of “NCIS” will stay the same. “‘NCIS’ does well against it,” she said, “but (‘American Idol’) is still a force to be reckoned with.”

* Fans of the network’s Canadian imports, “Flashpoint” and “The Bridge,” will be pleased to know that CBS is sitting on 18 and 13 episodes of those series, respectively. They will be less pleased, however, to learn that it’s not yet confirmed when we’ll actually see any of them. “We had a high-class problem this season: we had a terrific fall launch, we had a lot of shows that we’re working, so we had more content than we had real estate for,” she admitted. “So we’ll wait and see what happens. We’ve got both shows, and obviously, they’ll make it to air at some point, but right now, the schedule is stable and doing well. Like I said, it’s a high-class problem.”

* Despite both being the work of producer Jerry Bruckheimer, there are no current plans for the network’s new drama, “Miami Medical,” to cross over with “CSI: Miami.”

* Insofar as the future of “The Amazing Race” goes, Tassler said that it will last for as long as it continues to perform. “We had a great season this year, in particular,” she said. “Bertram (Van Munster) is a magician, and when he goes out in the field and when they’re investigating and designing new routes…I mean, they’re very, very smart about the way they select their routes and are very plugged in as far as the situations and countries around the world. They have never been a complacent production. They are always looking for new challenges. And the beauty of having a reality show like ‘Race,’ like ‘Survivor,’ like ‘Big Brother,’ these brands that continue to succeed, is because each cycle, when you go into the casting process, you really get an opportunity to almost reinvent yourself. So the combination of great casting, with Bertram finding wonderful, unique and unusual routes, I think just contributes to the longevity of the show.”

* “Let’s Make a Deal” is doing “comparatively better” than “Guiding Light” had been doing in that timeslot. “What’s really interesting is I think we’re looking at daytime through a whole new prism,” said Tassler. “We are looking at it perhaps as it once was, which was a pretty diverse daypart where you had talk, you had soap, you had game. And then as we look ahead, we are considering that, as well. ‘Price is Right’ is hitting all-time highs. It’s doing really well. ‘The Bold and the Beautiful’ and ‘The Young and the Restless’ are doing well. ‘Deal’ is doing well. So for us, it is looking at it with a fresh, new perspective and saying we have an opportunity to mix things up a bit, which is what we are doing.”

“I tell ya, Billy, they just don’t get me!”

* Tassler admitted with a smile that she doesn’t yet have a date for when “CSI” might finally adjust to William Petersen’s loss and find Laurence Fishburne’s character, but she acknowledged that they’re doing better and that Fishburne himself is coming along, too. “I think you can’t deny that Fishburne is a powerful actor and a force to be reckoned with,” she said. “What has happened last season to this season, he certainly has assimilated more into the ensemble. Audiences have found that as he’s more comfortable with his team, the team is more comfortable with him. And you are really now able to build greater intimacy with the relationships. And I think, yes, we have changed his wardrobe, which does reflect, to some degree, how comfortable he is now with the team and with the ensemble. But from all of the fans and our research entertainment panel, I mean, clearly people feel that he has arrived. He’s settled. He’s part of the team, and people are now able to see him actually have more humor. And I think as you look forward to the episodes that are coming up the second half of the season on ‘CSI,’ you’re going to find more irreverence. You’re going to find those sort of more iconic stories that we’ve done in the past that just kind of turn the whole Vegas experience on its ear.”

* Both “Numb3rs” and “Medium” remain in contention for pick-up next year, the former being somewhat of a surprise, given that it seemed to be a veritable certainty that it would be its final season, but Tassler explained, “We just had to cut back on the number of episodes because we had to make way to get ‘Miami Medical’ on the air.”

1. The Addams Family, “Halloween with the Addams Family”: The Addams family are all busy preparing for their favorite holiday, but their celebration is bolstered by a pair of bank robbers…one of whom is played by Don Rickles…who they welcome as trick-or-treaters.

2. The Andy Griffith Show, “The Haunted House”: Maybe it isn’t officially a Halloween episode, but it first aired in October 1963, and it focuses on Barney and Gomer trying to retrieve a baseball from a supposedly haunted house and finding some strange goings on inside. As far as I’m concerned, that’s close enough for jazz.

3. Angel, “Life of the Party”: Lorne throws a Halloween party for all the firm’s clients and employees, but during the gathering, his advice to his friends starts happening literally: Fred and Wesley get drunk after Lorne tells them to loosen up, Spike and Harmony dance the night away, Angel and Eve do the horizontal bop, and, Gunn, uh, relieves himself after being told to “stake out his territory.” Good times.

4. Beavis and Butthead, “Butt-o-ween”: It starts simply enough, with the guys trying to master the concept of trick or treating, first without costumes, then wearing Beavis’s “monkey sheets” and going as ghosts. Eventually, however, Beavis + Halloween candy = Cornholio. The equation was ever thus, and here it leads to a quest for more candy…and, y’know, some T.P. for his bunghole.

Bevis and Butt-head-Butt-O-Ween

Dreamer Neverending | MySpace Video

5. Beverly Hills 90210, “Halloween”: The stock line is that Halloween costumes allow a woman to bring out her inner slut, and when the gang from West Beverly goes to a Halloween party, Kelly’s seductive costume leads a college student to translate “no” as “yes.” It’s absolutely inexcusable, of course, but – whew! – you can’t say she doesn’t make an impression. Meanwhile, Brenda and Dylan go as Bonnie and Clyde, Steve is Zorro, and Donna comes as a mermaid, a move which seriously hinders her dance moves.

Watch the episode at CBS.com!

6. The Big Bang Theory, “The Middle Earth Paradigm”: Penny throws a great Halloween party, and she makes a pretty kitty, too, but it’s hard to top the meeting of the four Flashes.

7. Bones, “The Mummy in the Maze”: Booth and Brennan are called in to investigate after the mummified remains of a teenage girl are found in a Halloween-themed maze. Then the mummified remains of another teenage girl are found at a Halloween amusement park funhouse. Basically, when the team finds out a third teenage girl is missing, they realize that they’ve got an Oct. 31st deadline. But who am I kidding? The best bit about this episode is seeing Emily Deschanel filling out a Wonder Woman costume.

8. Boston Legal, “Witches of Mass Destruction”: Shirley and Denise represent two groups of parents – one Christian, the other Wiccan – who are suing to get rid of a school’s Halloween pageant, specifically because of the witch involved. The Christians feel their faith is being marginalized by a satanic symbol, and the Wiccans claim that Halloween images stereotype them. If this sounds like heavy stuff, don’t worry: the sight of William Shatner and James Spader dressed as pink flamingos does wonders to lighten the mood.

9. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Halloween”: Damn that Ethan Rayne! This was the first appearance of Rupert Giles’s nemesis within the Buffy-verse, and the contents of his costume shop led the Scoobies to become that which they were dressed as…which is to say that Willow became a real ghost, the gun Xander bought combined with his existing military fatigues to grant him valuable military knowledge, and Buffy’s beautiful 18th century dress makes her think that she’s actually from the 18th century. Bonus points for the Oz / Willow storyline (“Who is that girl?”), even if we now know that their relationship was doomed from the start.

10. Curb Your Enthusiasm, “Trick or Treat”: Are you kidding me? One of the world’s great curmudgeons has to deal with a bunch of punk trick-or-treaters who turn up at his door without costumes and demand candy. You know it’s comedy gold.

11. Everybody Hates Chris, “Everybody Hates Halloween”: One of the most underrated sitcoms of the ’00s offered up a classic Halloween episode in its first season, where Chris is asked by his mother to accompany his siblings while they “trick or treat” on Halloween. Later, when Drew is invited to a party by Keisha, Chris goes in his place, dressed as Prince. Meanwhile, Julius buys inexpensive generic brands of candy – you know, like Two Musketeers?…which leads to a counterattack from Rochelle. Unfortunately, the episode isn’t available online, but at least YouTube has a couple of clips. The first one shows off Julius’s cheap-ass candy choices…

…but, unfortunately, I can’t embed the second one, which shows off Chris’s Prince costume, so you’ll have to click here to see it.

12. Freaks and Geeks, “Tricks or Treats”: In the great transition from child to teenager, there are few losses greater than that of the rite of trick or treating, so you can understand why Sam kind of freaks out and decides to go out and score one last haul of Halloween candy. As with most Halloween episodes, just seeing the characters getting into their costumes is half the fun (especially when a concerned Neal looks in the mirror and muses, “Looking for Chaplin, only seeing Hitler”), but there’s also an equally classic subplot with Lindsay getting involved in the dark side of the holiday: vandalism.

13. Friends, “The One with the Halloween Party”: Hey, Monica’s throwing a Halloween party! Highlights: Joey does his impeccable Chandler impression, Chandler gets stuck in a giant pink bunny costume for the night (thanks for nothing, Mon), a pregnant Rachel gives all the candy away to the first little girl who says, “I love you,” Ross dresses as Spud-nik, and Phoebe finds herself torn about whether or not she should tell her twin sister’s fiancee (played by Sean Penn) how awful a person Ursula really is.

14. Home Improvement, “Crazy for You”: Annual Halloween episodes were a staple of this Tim Allen sitcom, but if you have to pick just one for inclusion, this one – where Jill gets revenge on Tim for years of pranks – is probably your best bet. It all starts when Tim gets cookies from a fan named Rose, who starts calling him. Stalker alert…? We’ll never tell. But we will say that it probably couldn’t hurt if Tim watched his back.

15. How I Met Your Mother, “Slutty Pumpkin”: It was four years ago…oh, wait, I don’t want to ruin Ted’s story if you haven’t heard it yet, but this first-ever Halloween episode for the series features a storyline which, knowing this show, still has significant potential to come back into play in a future episode. (Creators Carter Bays and Craig Thomas have never been afraid to loop back and reference past scenes.) Lily and Marshall have some awesome couple costumes – one in the present, one in flashback – and what a surprise: Robin isn’t couple-y enough to follow her new boyfriend’s lead and go with his idea of dressing up as Hansel and Gretel. That’s almost as not-shocking as Barney’s costume. Wait, was that devil outfit a costume?

16. Little House on the Prairie, “The Monster of Walnut Grove”: I have “Little House on the Prairie: The Complete Series” sitting on my shelf, and I’m not afraid to admit it. Why? Because if I never watch a single other episode, at least I’ll forever have access to this one, which completely creeped me out when I was a kid and, frankly, still does even now. I never did trust Mr. Oleson…

17. M*A*S*H, “Trick or Treatment”: There’s an oft-repeated blanket statement that the last few seasons of “M*A*S*H” were too damned serious for their own good, which is a fair cop, but they still managed to slip a classic in once in awhile, and this one definitely qualifies. Everyone’s decked out in their Halloween best – Hawkeye is Superman, B.J.’s a clown, Margaret a geisha girl, Colonel Potter a cowboy, and Klinger’s Al Capone – but the arrival of more wounded causes an end to the celebration. Best remembered for two moments: one funny (Winchester helps George Wendt get a billiard ball out of his mouth), one serious (Father Mulcahy saves a life when he realizes that a supposedly dead soldier has shed a tear).

18. My So-Called Life, “Halloween”: Angela takes a long, strange trip back to 1963 for Halloween, and Graham and Patty get Medevial on your asses, but this is still very much a definitively ’90s show, as evidenced by Rayanne showing Angela the Rolling Stone cover declaring Kurt Cobain’s death at one point. Some say this is the weakest episode of the series’ brief run, but I say that, merely by being an episode of “My So-Called Life,” it’s a must-see nonetheless.

19. NCIS, “Chimera”: I don’t mean to undercut this episode by writing very little about it, but when it comes down to it, you only need a mere two words to explain why it’s a must-see: ghost ship.

20. NewsRadio, “Halloween”: Joe may say that the whole point of Halloween and the holiday’s associated parties is to sit in the corner and make fun of all the dorks wearing costumes…and, yes, this is where you’d insert a joke about Matthew’s gay biker costume from last year (“The label clearly said ‘motorcycle enthusiast'”)… but, as Dave rightly points out, “An open bar really rekindles the childhood spirit.” Obviously, the gag about Bill McNeal learning the date of his death from a psychic isn’t as funny now as it was then, but, really, you can’t go wrong with any “NewsRadio” episode from the Phil Hartman era. That this is a Halloween episode is really just a bonus.

21. Night Court, “Safe”: The title comes courtesy of Judge Stone, who – while practicing an escape act for his Halloween party magic act – accidentally locks himself inside a safe and nearly suffocates to death, but Dan Fielding has the best plot line, selling his soul for $100 to a man in a devil costume but then getting antsy when the guy seems to know way too much about him. Sure, it’s funny, but it’d be a whole lot scarier if we hadn’t already seen Dan do dozens of things during the previous four seasons that’d get anybody consigned to Hell.

22. The Office, “Halloween”: Is there any better time to lay someone off than All Hallow’s Eve? Talk about the perfect day to give someone a scare. But who to let go? “It’s not a popularity contest,” admits Michael. “Although it does makes sense to fire the least popular, because it has the least effect on morale.” There are some classic costumes on display, including Kelly as Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz,” but if you’ve only seen Dwight’s Joker attire from last year’s Halloween episode, then you absolutely need to go back and see him rockin’ the Darth Schrute look.

23. Reaper, “Leon”: Even as great as this series already was, there is no show that can’t be made at least 75% better by a guest appearance from Patton Oswalt, who plays a demon with a gun for an arm. Sure, he spends half the episode trapped in a snow globe, but even when he’s in there, we still get to hear his voice. Oswalt totally dug the experience of “getting to work with those actors, all of whom are so cool and really intelligent,” though he admitted that they were all bummed because they’d just gotten word that The CW had declared that, instead of crafting a mythology and doling it out in a serialized fashion, the producers were to stick to a more self-contained episodic format. In closing, allow me to offer my most profound apologies that the only available clips of the episode are found within a CW-sponsored recap that’s totally tainted by a complete douche named Jason C.

24. Roseanne, “Boo!”: The first in a long line of Halloween episodes for the series, which may be why it feels like the freshest of the bunch. Parents will enjoy watching Dan and Roseanne torture their kids with a claim about a psycho neighbor who escaped from the mental institution, whereas husbands and wives will enjoy battle of parks between the two of them. Dan may well be “the master,” as he claims throughout the episode, but only Roseanne would utter a line like, “Now clean up this blood and finish your breakfast,”

25. Route 66, “Lizard’s Leg and Owlet’s Wing”: This suggestion comes to us courtesy of Bob Westal, and although this was the first I’d heard of it, now I feel like I need to head to Netflix so that I can see it. It’s a pretty flimsy premise – Tod and Buz are working as guest liaisons at a motel just outside of Chicago where Boris Karloff, Lon Chaney Jr. and Peter Lorre are meeting to discuss whether the old monster costumes they used in films will still scare a TV audience today – but the idea of seeing the three horror icons together is really all you need, anyway.

26. Saturday Night Live, “Host: Donald Pleasance, Musical Guest: Fear”: This episode is historic even before the theme song plays, as the cold opening features the final appearance of John Belushi on “SNL” (all he does is look into a mirror and raise his eyebrows, but it’s more than enough to elicit a roar of approval from the studio audience), but in addition to having an icon from the original “Halloween” franchise hosting the show, Fear brought more punk to the show than has ever been seen before or since, including a mosh pit full of skinhead slam-dancers. According to Dennis Perrin’s book, “Mr. Mike: The Life and Work of Michael O’Donoghue”…

During the slow, opening chords of ‘Beef Baloney,’ the skinheads stirred at the front of the stage, ready to explode. When the band broke open at high speed, the slamming, diving, stomping, and shoving commenced with a vengeance. Fear played a set of three songs during which band members dodged and at times collided with the dancers. Lead singer Lee Ving dove into the frenzied crowd while bodies spilled across the stage, the action oddly in sync with Fear’s driving rhythm. It all seemed to be taking place in an abandoned warehouse on teh edge of town rather than in the confines of NBC. “SNL”‘s traditional music segment was thus beautifully vandalized in front of millions of onlookers.

O’Donoghue was elated. Now this, he felt, was good television. (Producer Dick) Ebersol, however, was sickened by the sight before him. At the peak of the action he crouched near the skinheads and tried to direct their movements, but to no avail. Someone yelled “New York sucks!” into a microphone that had fallen to the stage, and Ebersol raced to the control room and ordered a fade to black. As Fear launched into “Let’s Have a War” and a dancer was about to smash the show’s Halloween pumpkin, the mikes went dead and a short film filled the screen. In the studio, Fear ceased playing at the skinheads walked off the set. Ebersol remained angry and reportedly raged in the control room. But for sheer drama, nothing could top the New York Post, which ran an item the following Tuesday in which “inside” sources spoke of “a riot, mindless, out-of-control destruction of property,” and other horrors. “This was a life-threatening situation,” said a source. “They went crazy. It’s amazing that no one was killed.” Ebersol responded swiftly and seriously to the Post’s fabrications, but O’Donoghue simply laughed away the negative reaction to Fear. “They’re just a band like the Carpenters,” he said.

I’ve read about this episode for years, but I’ve never actually seen it, so if you know of anyone who has a copy that they’d be willing to dub for me, just leave your contact info in the comments. Yes, seriously.

27. The Simpsons, “Treehouse of Horror III”: Really, you could go with any of the early ‘Treehouse’ episodes, and we’ll gladly admit that the industry standard is probably #5, what with the “Shining” parody and Homer’s time-traveling mishaps, but #3 has the classic “King Kong” spoof (“King Homer”), an imminently quotable riff on zombie flicks that’s capped off with a joke at television’s expense (“Man fall down. Funny.”), and the hilarious “Clown without Pity.” (“Help, Marge! The doll’s trying to kill me, and the toaster’s been laughing at me!”) If it ain’t the best, it’s as good as.

28. South Park, “Korn’s Groovy Pirate Mystery”: Best Scooby Doo parody ever…well, except for “Night of the Living Doo,” that is…and one of the few legitimate excuses for liking Korn. The only possible competition for this episode within the “South Park” canon is “Spookyfish,” but while it earns bonus points for its “Star Trek” parody, the “Spooky Vision” concept – which involves putting pictures of Barbra Streisand at the bottom corners of the screen – is less funny than just distracting.

Watch the episode at SouthParkStudios.com!

29. Square Pegs, “Halloween XII”: The Halloween dance gets canceled when Muffy spends the entire budget on decorations, so an alternative plan is brought into play: a slumber party at Ms. Loomis’ house. (Too bad nobody told Mrs. Loomis.) Patty and Lauren decide to attend, but when the night is crashed by a few members of the opposite sex, it all goes downhill. “Great, now we’re being seen by an actual boy in these nightgowns,” says a horrified Lauren. “Will the horror of this evening never end?” asks Patty. Take a tip from Stanley the Safety Elephant: you won’t want to miss this one.

30. That ‘70s Show, “Too Old to Trick or Treat, Too Young to Die”: Great Jethro Tull reference in the title, but this is mostly a tribute to Alfred Hitchcock, including unabashed homages to “Rear Window”, “Vertigo”, “The Birds”, “North By Northwest,” and “Psycho.” Shame about having to see Fez dressed in Dr. Frank N. Furter’s old lingerie, though.

31. Two and a Half Men, “Hi, Mr. Horned One”: Charlie’s Satan-worshiping girlfriend has a knack for the supernatural and seems to be the cause of some strange happenings around the Harper house. Shockingly, Charlie at first ignores Alan’s suggestions that he get rid of her…not that you can blame Alan for making them, given that she’s threatened to put a curse on his manhood…but he begins to change his tune when she tries to blackmail him to impregnate her with “the horned one.” Even if you’re not a big fan of the show, this is definitely a classic episode, with Jake coming within an inch of selling his soul for some candy, Evelyn’s true identity at last revealed, and a money shot of the guys’ costumes to wrap it all up.