It felt like there was more star power on hand than usual for a winter tour…but, then, having Oprah in your midst kind of skewers your perceptions on that sort of thing. I suppose it’s a testament to how many famous people I’ve met over the years, though, that one of the biggest reasons I look forward to the tour is not because of who I might interview but, rather, because I’ll get the chance to hang out with the friends I’ve made within the TCA. All told, it was another great time, but, as ever, when it was over, I was more than ready to get back home to my family and share my memories with them…and with you, too, of course.

Well, let’s get on with the reminiscing, shall we?

Oh, but one word of warning: if you followed my daily dispatches during the tour, then a couple of these stories will sound strikingly familiar, but please rest assured that the majority of the material has not been copied wholesale and is, in fact, 100% new. Swear to God.

Most entertaining panel by a broadcast network: “Made in Spain” (PBS)

Not being a foodie, I wouldn’t have known José Andrés prior to his kick-off of PBS’s first day at the TCA tour if he’d been standing next to me…and, even then, I wouldn’t have known that I was supposed to care who he was. After several minutes of clips from the first season of “Made in Spain,” however, I was already in love with the series, and when Andres himself took the stage, it was impossible not to be charmed by him. He’s a sweetheart of a guy for whom food truly is life, but he’s also a hoot.

Most entertaining panel by a cable network: “An Idiot Abroad” (Science Channel)

I was seriously bummed when I heard that no one from “An Idiot Abroad” was going to be in attendance for the show’s panel, but I figured, “Okay, at least they’ll be there via satellite.” In retrospect, there’s no way they could’ve been funnier if they’d actually been onsite. Naturally, just being in Karl Pilkington’s presence was enough to inspire Ricky Gervais and Steven Merchant to dissolve into a fit of giggles, but they were utterly warranted this go-round.

Here, see for yourself:

Most annoying panel: “Platinum Hit” (Bravo)

Between Kara DioGuardi handling a question about “American Idol” about as poorly as she possibly could have – read more about that here – and Jewel dropping names like they were hot potatoes (“I was talking to Steven Spielberg…”), I’m hard pressed to think of any panel that left a worse taste in my mouth.

Panel which had the least need for an audience: “The Best of Laugh-In” (PBS)

It wasn’t entirely surprising that a panel consisting of Lily Tomlin, Jo Anne Worley, Ruth Buzzi, Gary Owens and George Schlatter would be able keep things moving along without any of the critics in attendance actually needing to ask a question, but they kept passing the conversational ball back and forth until someone in the crowd finally had to stand up and ask if it was okay to ask a question. Schlatter instantly shot back, “We’re trying to talk here!” Laughter ensued, as did plenty of questions about the history of “Laugh-In.” “Are you guys having fun?” Schlatter asked later. “Because we’re having a ball!” Must be what keeps them looking so young: you’d never in a million years believe that Worley – that’s her in the feathered boa, in case you hadn’t guessed – is 73 years old.

Funniest panel that you probably had to be there to appreciate: “Community” (NBC)

The only person not in attendance was Chevy Chase, who was described as being “very under the weather,’ but his co-stars more than made up for his absence. If I tried to tell you about it, though, you’d probably just stare blankly at me. Some of the funniness came from the giggling of the various panelists, some it involved one-liners which would require a lengthy amount of set-up for you to appreciate, some of it was totally visual, and…well, you get the idea. But it really was hilarious, I swear. The most easily-translatable moment is probably Donald Glover’s story about how they had to teach Betty White the lyrics to Toto’s “Africa” on the set. “I assumed she knew ‘Africa,’” he said. “I was, like, ‘Everybody knows that song!’ But, like, that song was out when she was already old. She was already 50-something.”

Greatest Moment of Complete Honesty During the Tour: When I approached Jack McBrayer (“30 Rock”) to ask him a question, he agreed, but then he looked down at my recorder and said, “Oh, my! You’re not going to record this, are you? I’d rather you didn’t.” At this point, he performed a perfect mock aside, holding a hand to his mouth and whispering, “I’m a little bit tipsy!” So I turned off my recorder. Kudos to you, Mr. McBrayer. Would that more actors had that blend of good humor and common sense.

Most common recurring question during the panels: “Who’s the moral center of your show?”

I am at a loss to understand why this vaguely pretentious-sounding query suddenly became the must-ask of the tour, but I’m sure I heard it asked half a dozen times, maybe more.

Most promising new cable program that I didn’t know much about before going into the tour: “Too Big to Fail” (HBO)

Even without knowing the subject matter of the film (it’s about the whole Lehman Brothers financial saga of a few years ago), just seeing the list of cast members is enough to make the title seem apropos. Dig these names: William Hurt, Paul Giamatti, Topher Grace, Billy Crudup, James Woods, Bill Pullman, Matthew Modine, Tony Shaloub, Cynthia Nixon, Michael O’Keefe, Dan Hedaya, Kathy Baker, and Ed Asner as Warren Buffett. Seriously, how can this thing go wrong?

Least promising new broadcast network program that I didn’t know anything about before going into the tour: “America’s Next Great Restaurant” (NBC)

One of the critics asked, “Do you remember Rocco’s DiSpirito’s TV show, ‘The Restaurant’?” I do not. And I won’t remember to watch this one, either. Who cares?

My best opening salvo for an interview: telling Malcolm McDowell that I really loved his audio commentary for “Caligula.”

It could’ve backfired horribly on me, but given that it’s one of my all-time favorite commentaries (and given how thoroughly amused he seems to be throughout the proceedings), I had to lead with this unique piece of praise. As it happens, his eyes lit up immediately as he informed me that he’d wanting for years to do a one-man show about his experiences working on the film, assuring me that he’d saved a few stories for just such an occasion.

Favorite moment during a one-on-one interview: Phil Morris channeling the spirit of Lord Buckley.

We were talking about the character of Jackie Chiles, which Morris played on “Seinfeld” and has recently revived for FunnyOrDie.com. Morris – now on TV One’s “Love That Girl!” – was trying to explain how Jackie’s delivery was what made the character funny, but while trying to come up with a name, he kept saying, “F. Lee…F. Lee…” F. Lee Bailey? “No, I mean, uh, Buckley.” Before he could clarify that he meant William F. Buckley, I laughed and suggested that he might be referring to Lord Buckley. At this reference, Morris raised his eyebrows and launched into a perfect impression of the mustachioed hipster comedian, which just about knocked me backwards. “Come on now, how often do you get to break that out?” I asked. Morris burst out laughing and offered a fist bump, praising me for “digging deep,” but I dare say the same praise could be lavished on him as well.

Favorite one-on-one interview overall: Tyler Labine, “Mad Love” (CBS)

I’ve got to go with Mr. Labine on this one. I met him during my first TCA tour in 2007, back when he was pimping the premiere of “Reaper,” and between Facebook, phoners, and further TCA events…well, I wouldn’t be so presumptuous as to say we’re friends, but we’ve definitely built a comfortable rapport when it comes to our conversations. As such, his first words involved apologizing for the fact that we couldn’t kick back and drink scotch this time (that’s what we did when he was promoting “Sons of Tucson” for Fox) because he had to be back on the set in a few hours. Still, he’s a nice guy, he’s got a nice beard, and, once again, we had a nice – if woefully alcohol-free – interview.

Most intimidating roundtable interview: Tommy Lee Jones, “The Sunset Limited” (HBO)

Everyone warned me. They said, “He’s not a good interview, he hates doing press, and if you’re not planning to bring your A-game, then you might as well not come at all.” But, dammit, it’s Tommy Lee Jones. How do you turn down the chance to sit in the presence of that guy? Better yet, I’d watched and really enjoyed his adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s play, “The Sunset Limited,” which he’d directed for HBO and starred in as well, along with Samuel L. Jackson. Sure, I was intimidated, but I’d done my research, I had my questions, and I was ready to roll.

As it turns out, Mr. Jones was everything I’d been promised and more, but while I had gotten out without having any of my questions insulted or dismissed, my original perception of the experience was heavily colored by one of my fellow journalists being informed at one point, “You know, I’ve already said that. I’ve already answered that question.” Listening back to the recording, though, I actually did better than I’d recalled: of the three writers who were there, I was the first to get a halfway decent answer out of him, and if I never really hit any out of the park, at least none of my questions resulted in a full-fledged swing and a miss. Still, if there’s such a thing as a badge of courage for TV critics, I feel as though one should be sent my way post-haste.

Least successful one-on-one interview: Mike Tyson, “Taking on Tyson” (Animal Planet)

When he swaggered into the evening event which was held by the OWN Network but encompassed all members of the Discovery Channel family, I thought, “Okay, I work for a guys’ website: I have to talk to Mike Tyson.” I approached him and asked him a question revolving around how he’s suddenly a media presence again, first with “The Hangover” and now with this new series. Before he could answer, one of his “handlers” ran up and said, “Hey, Mike, I found ya some food!” At this, Tyson grabbed himself something to eat and walked away, my question unanswered.

Later in the evening, it had become de rigueur to go up to Tyson and ask if he’d be willing to let you take your picture with him. I restrained myself at first, but then I finally decided, “Well, maybe I’ll just try again with my question, then someone can take a picture of me while I’m talking to him.” So I approached him once more and said, “Hey, Mike, can I ask you a quick question about the new show?” He glanced at me…and said, “Nah.” No less than 10 seconds later, he was taking more photos with people. That’s what I get for trying to work.

My 7 Favorite Cheap Thrills of the Tour:

1. Meeting the Fonz. Yeah, I know, Henry Winkler hasn’t been the Fonz in decades, but he’ll always be the Fonz to me. I’m thrilled for him, though, that the work offers are coming in fast and furious: he was at the tour as a cast member for both Adult Swim’s “Childrens Hospital” and USA’s “Royal Pains.”

2. Breathing the same air as Oprah. I’m pretty sure this means I’ll never get cancer!

3. Calling Elijah Wood on fucking up my shopping at Amoeba Music last tour. Wood was at the Fox party to promote his new FX series, “Wilfred,” and when I found a chance to chat with him, I said, “First, I’ve got a photo I want to show you.” I broke out my iPhone and showed him a shot I’d taken of him at the turntable at Amoeba. “Oh, yeah,” he said, “I was DJ’ing that day!” “Yeah,” I replied, “and you were also totally blocking the bargain bin. I only get there once, maybe twice a year, dude. That totally sucked.” He laughed, but he still looked appropriate chagrined, and he apologized. Given how much of a music geek he is, I think he probably even meant it.

4. Interviewing Paris Hilton. What can I tell you? She’s hot.

5. Successfully asking Jerry Rice a question about football, despite the fact that I don’t know anything about football, let alone Jerry Rice. Let it never be said that I’m not up for a challenge.

6. Spending 20 minutes with Bruce Jenner talking about nothing but his acting gigs from the late ’70s and early ’80s. I don’t keep up with the Kardashians and don’t plan to start anytime soon, but I do enjoy the chance to ask people about projects that they haven’t been given the chance to talk about in awhile. And that is why I have 20 minutes of anecdotes from Jenner about serving as a defacto replacement for Erik Estrada on “CHiPs” for several episodes, working with Harry Belafonte, LeVar Burton, and Dennis Haysbert on “Grambling’s White Tiger,” and, of course, all the dirt he cared to dish on the experience of working with Valerie Perrine and the Village People on “Can’t Stop the Music.” The only time his family’s TV series came up was when one of his daughters called to tell him that they’d won the People’s Choice Award for Guilty Pleasure…and it didn’t even occur to me to ask which daughter!

7. Just being in the same room with Jeff Bridges. How could this not be on here? He’s The Dude, for God’s sake.

Most awesome visit to the set of a network show: “Parks & Recreation” (NBC)

I admit that it took me a little while to get past my general indifference to the first season of this show, but having devoured the Season 2 set and quickly moved on to the six episodes of Season 3 that were sent out to critics in advance of the tour, I was psyched when I heard that we’d be visiting the nerve center of the Pawnee government. I was bummed that Chris Pratt wasn’t in attendance, but I was part of the group which was toured around the set by Adam Scott and Michael Schur and given up close looks at the offices of Lesley Knope and Ron Swanson, along with some of Pawnee’s most (in)famous murals. Plus, I…well, at the moment, if I told you that I had my picture taken with Li’l Sebastian, it wouldn’t mean anything to you, but I promise you that when the time comes for the episode revolving around the Harvest Festival, you’ll be all, like, “He got his picture taken with Li’l Sebastian! Sweet! That dude is awesome!” Or, at least, that’s what Tom Haverford would say, anyway.

Most awesome visit to the set of a basic cable show: “Conan,” TBS

I guess “awesome” might be overdoing it a bit, but I’m a big Conan fan, so it was just cool to be able to check out the set. Unsurprisingly, Conan himself – flanked by longtime pal and producer Jeff Ross – had lots of funny stuff to say, much of it self-deprecating. But, then, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

Best piece of swag: If you were to ask my daughter, it’d probably be the game of Jenga that was offered up during Fox’s “Raising Hope” breakfast, which, although she’d never played it before I brought it home, has taken to it like a duck to water. Frankly, I thought she’d like the Mickey Mouse ears with her name embroidered on it more. Just goes to show that fathers don’t know the first thing about their daughters. For my part, it would’ve been the Greendale Community College shirt, except that it was a large rather than the XXL that I’d need to ever wear it in public. (Note to network publicity departments: given that you’re dealing with a group of individuals who spend the majority of their day sitting in front of their television sets, it wouldn’t be the craziest idea in the world to upgrade the sizes you send out. I’ve been a member of the TCA since 2007, and I think I’ve been able to fit into maybe two of the 50+ promotional shirts I’ve gotten in that time. On the other hand, my daughter has a lot of really awesome nightshirts.) In the end, though, I’ve got to go with the bloody bathmat left in front of the tub for us by Fearnet. Thank God I was given advance warning that it was waiting in the room for me…

Best off-site visit that wasn’t connected to the tour: to The Vanguard for the taping of two episodes of “The Green Room with Paul Provenza.”

At the end of 2010, I pulled together a piece which featured my favorite quotes of the year. After doing so, I sent the link to all of my interview subjects who were on Facebook, thanking them for being a part of the piece and wishing us both the best in 2011. Paul Provenza immediately wrote back, saying, “Thank you! Let’s do other stuff.” A few days later, I received an invite to attend tapings for the second season of his Showtime series, and since the dates happened to be in the heart of the TCA tour, I took him up on his kind offer, bringing my friends Christine Becknell and Eric Field with me.

What an incredible evening: free food, an open bar (I don’t mind telling you that the Newcastle was going down smoooooooth), and some seriously funny people, including Lewis Black, Ron White, Kathleen Madigan, Jamie Kilstein, Richard Lewis, Margaret Cho, Jeffrey Ross, and Kumail Nanjiani. Other comedians, including Rick Overton, Doug Stanhope, and David Feldman, were in the house, as were Sugar Ray Leonard and Ron Jeremy.

I think my personal favorite one-liner came when Ron White denied being an alcoholic, explaining, “I only drink when I work,” then adding, “But I am a workaholic.” What I’ll inevitably remember most, though. All in all, though, it’s hard to top Ron Jeremy repeatedly falling asleep during the taping of the second episode. Like that wouldn’t be embarrassing enough, but the poor bastard did it directly in front of Jeffrey Ross, who ripped him to shreds every time he caught him. (“Hey, look, Ron Jeremy must have an erection! He’s passed out from all of the blood rushing to his cock!”) Good times, to be sure.

Most awesome live performance of the tour: David Foster, promoting “Great Performances: Hitman Returns – David Foster and Friends” for PBS.

PBS really did right by us on this tour. For the first of their two evening events, they provided us with a performance from Harry Connick, Jr., who blew the roof off the joint in suitably jazzy fashion. Ultimately, though, he couldn’t hold a candle to David Foster, who opened with the love theme from “St. Elmo’s Fire,” followed with a medley of his biggest hits, along with clarification as to which of his ex-wives owned the rights to them, and then brought out a couple of friends to join in the fun. Although Charice – you may recall her from her appearance on “Glee” – knocked Eric Carmen’s “All By Myself” out of the park, she still couldn’t defeat Donna Summer, who minutes earlier had turned the Langham into a discotheque with a breathtaking rendition of one of her signature songs, “Last Dance.” Damn, that woman’s still got some pipes!

Best party: Fox

It’s so weird: during the summer, it feels like Fox goes out of their way to put us in the loudest, most distracting environment possible (the amusement park on the Santa Monica pier), thereby making it almost impossible to conduct decent interviews. This is the second winter tour, however, where they’ve rented out Villa Sorriso for their evening function. Why can’t they do that in the summer, too? Sure, it’s crowded, but it’s a hell of a lot more conducive to conversation. Plus, they’re not afraid to offer up 12-year-old Macallan’s, which, as it turns out, is pretty damned conducive to conversation, too.

Most pleasantly surprising party: Hallmark Channel

I know the cool kids can’t in good conscience admit to watching either the Hallmark Channel or its sister movie network, but I don’t mind telling you that they know how to throw a classy party. It was a sit-down affair – the only one of the tour – where the food was delicious and the wine only stopped flowing when we walked out the door, at which point we were handed a bottle of Brut champagne as a parting gift!

Worst party: ABC / CBS (tie)

I understand that the networks don’t feel the need to go quite as all-out with their winter tour functions as they do during the summer, but the ABC and CBS network families took cost-cutting to a depressing low. Okay, I understand why ABC would only offer up talent from their mid-season shows, but given that most TCA members only get out to the west coast twice a year, it was depressing not to have the chance to interview cast members from their other series. Meanwhile, CBS didn’t even have a party. Well, not really, anyway. Instead, it was all, like, “Oh, hey, we sent home everybody who was here to promote their new CBS and Showtime series, but here are the people who were just onstage for the panels for The CW, so stand in the lobby and ask them questions!” Yeah, but…they were just onstage. Oh, well, at least it gave me the chance to have a pleasant conversation with Sara Rue, right?

Oh, wait, I forgot…

Most annoying moment of the tour: having Sara Rue’s personal publicist start tapping her watch at about 90 seconds into my attempt to interview her client.

I love Sara Rue. I think she’s as cute as can be, I’ve thought so ever since she was starring in ABC’s “Less Than Perfect,” and her guest appearances on three different CBS comedies (“Two and a Half Men,” “The Big Bang Theory,” and “Rules of Engagement”) have only cemented my appreciation of her work as a comedic actress. As such, you can understand why I gravitated toward her during The CW’s post-panel cocktail party in an attempt to grab a brief one-on-one interview with her about her new gig as the host of “Shedding for the Wedding.” The good news: Ms. Rue herself was as sweet as could be. In fact, from what I can tell, her only real fault would seem to be her taste in personal publicists.

The publicist was standing outside of Rue’s line of vision when the tapfest began. Frankly, since I was focused on my interview subject, I only half-realized what I was seeing at first. In fact, I pretty much convinced myself that it couldn’t have been what I was seeing, and I kept right on with another question. About 30 seconds later, however, the tapping resumed, this time more furiously and now accompanied by a look which hovered between annoyance and anger. Having little choice in the matter, I wrapped the interview and thanked Rue, who seemed to have enjoyed our short time together, but my plans to do a full-length piece offering a look at “Shedding for the Wedding” as well as an exploration of Rue’s earlier career had been shot all to hell.

What happened? Best guess: the publicist didn’t know me, wasn’t familiar with Bullz-Eye, and only gave me the time she did because she was in a room filled with CW executives and couldn’t get away with refusing me altogether. Next TCA tour, though, I’m thinking about wearing a t-shirt to all press events which reads, “Just because you don’t know me doesn’t mean I suck.”

Okay, last time I ended on my most annoying moment of the tour, and it felt woefully anticlimactic, so this time I’m going to end with a few laughs and offer up…

The Top 11 Quotes from the TCA Tour (one for each day of the tour):

1. “I got a little bit nervous when they told me that I had to be speaking in front of TV critics. I knew I was coming here to share time at PBS, but all of a sudden it’s, like, ‘The room is going to be full of TV critics.’ Great: all my life dealing with food critics one by one, and now I’m going to have to be dealing with an entire room of TV critics…?” – Jose Andres, “Made in Spain” (PBS)

2. “What is this Betty White business? This is silly. Really, it is very silly. You’ve had such an overdose of me lately. Trust me. I think I’m going to go away for a while. It’s hard for me to say no to a job because you spend your career thinking if you say no, they’ll never ask you again, and if you don’t take the job, you know, that may be the end of it, but my mother taught me to say no when I was a girl, but that wasn’t about show business. So the result is I’m trying to cut down. I really am.” – Betty White, “Hot in Cleveland” (TV Land)

3. “Betty White is in the building. Did you hear that? I hope I get to touch her. I just had cataracts, and I’m still adjusting, but what I see is looking pretty good.” – Ed Asner, “Working Class” (CMT)

4. “The one note we did get (for ‘Children’s Hospital’), it was from Warner Brothers…I hesitate to even tell you this, but when we turned in our first script for the web series, Warner Brothers called us up and said, ‘Um, do you think you could cut the shot where we actually see the Twin Towers burning?’ And we were like, ‘Yeah, do you know what? That’s a great note.’” – Rob Corddry, “Children’s Hospital” (Adult Swim)

5. “My opinion don’t mean nothing. I’m here to talk about pigeons and stuff. Anything other than that, I’m a schmuck.” – Mike Tyson, “Taking on Tyson” (Animal Planet)

6. “If Oprah would have asked me to ride a unicycle naked and backwards at night, I would have asked her, ‘Where do I sign up?’ It’s Oprah.” – Mark Burnett, Your OWN Show (OWN)

7. “I wanted to be a substitute for Joan Lunden. And the agent at the time told me there weren’t going to be any more black people on network television. He said, ‘They’ve already got Bryant Gumbel.’ And I said, ‘But that’s another channel.’ And he said, ‘No, no. They’ve already got Bryant Gumbel. That’s not going to happen.'” – Oprah Winfrey, Owner of OWN

8. “I think the expectation that women be attractive as well as funny has just always been there. We even need attractive news anchors who are telling us about death and destruction and they still need to be pretty. I don’t know why it is. Some sociobiological level. We need to look at females and think, ‘I would hit that.’ I think that the gentlemen may need it.” – Julie Bowen, “Modern Family” (ABC)

9. Q: Are you going to have to put Steve on a five second delay on (’American Idol’)?
Steven Tyler: Fuck, no. (Pauses) I question whether I should have done that just now.

10. “‘The Good Wife’ was always meant ironically. I think it’s actually very descriptive. I think the comment I made was it would have been nice to be ironic and call it ‘The Sexy Wife’ or ‘The Sexy Wife Whose Husband Goes Down On Her’ or something like that. That might have brought in more people.” – Robert King, “The Good Wife” (CBS)

11. “Do you guys ask questions for a profession? You’re pretty good. You don’t look like much as a group, but…good questions.” – Steve Young, “Year of the Quarterback” (ESPN)

Bullz-Eye: Hello?

Megyn Price: (Sounding startled) Hello. Uh, hi, is this Will?

BE: Yes, it is.

MP: Oh, hi, it’s Megyn Price calling. (Laughs) I’m sorry, you sound exactly like my husband. I’m just, like, “Oh, crap, I called the wrong number!

BE: I’m sorry to have totally freaked you out.

MP: You did, you totally freaked me out. But it’s okay…and I’m sorry I’m a little bit late. I was being killed by a small woman who’s training me.

BE: (Laughs) Well, that’s quite alright. At least you have a good excuse.

MP: I’m training for another triathlon, and this crazy woman is trying to make me croak or throw up in the middle of the day.

BE: Awesome. Well, hopefully this’ll be at least a little less stressful, then.

MP: And I pay her for that, too, by the way.

BE: Even better.

MP: It’s very messed up. Can you hear me okay on these headphones? ‘Cause that’s what I’m using.

BE: Yeah, you’re fine.

MP: Okay, good.

BE: You and I actually have chatted in the past, at least slightly, in the past. I was at the TCA tour, standing next to you and Drew Carey for a little bit.

MP: Oh, yes, of course. Oh, I totally know who you are. Yes!

BE: I’m looking forward to the new season. I’ve been a fan of the show since the beginning.

MP: Well, that’s very sweet of you.

BE: I talked to Patrick (Warburton) at the beginning of last season, so I wanted to spread the wealth. So what can we expect from this season? It looks like, from the press photo that I saw, that you’ve formally added a new cast member.

MP: Well, I don’t know what the press is sending out, but, yes, Adhir Kalyan has joined the cast, who played David Spade’s assistant, Timmy, and he’s just the greatest addition to our cast. They’re like an old married couple, those two…and, sadly, they’re like that in real life as well. So that’s one change which I think is a good change, because it sort of makes David part of a couple. (Laughs). You know, I feel like every year I’ve said, “It’s the best it’s ever been,” and then this year…I mean, they’ve tweaked our writing staff again, and every season it’s just sharper and sharper. And this is…it’s so odd to me, because I’ve done a lot of series…I mean, I’ve been on series for years at a time…and it always works so that the first day of our work week the script is rough, and by the end of the week the script is tight, and this year…I swear, the first day of the week, it’s almost the exact same script as it is by the end of the week. It is so good. The writers have…I mean, they have totally figured out our voices and where all of the relationships are at their best, you know? They’ve really figured out what works and what doesn’t work. And it is such a joy to go to work. It’s, like, there’s no stress; it’s just all funny, all the time. I’m just never stressed that the script isn’t going to work out or that it’s going to be difficult to do the show. It’s always easy because it’s so well written now. It’s unbelievably fun. I feel like we’re in our tenth season because it’s just so smooth, you know?

BE: Well, you and Patrick had an instant chemistry from day one, I thought.

MP: I am so married to him, it’s ridiculous. It’s retarded. I was on jury duty and I called him. Like, I was feeling sad and out of sorts, and I called Patrick from my house. What? Not that my own marriage isn’t wonderful, because it is, but it’s, like, Patrick’s a different kind of husband. He’s a big, tough, burly husband.

BE: When I talked to him, he said that we would know “Rules of Engagement” had officially jumped the shark if the two of you ever got pregnant on the show.

MP: Oh, God, every time we read even hints of that, we’re, like, “That can’t happen.” It’s not going to happen. Our writers have addressed it this season. I don’t know if I’m supposed to say this, but…they hinted that I’m getting a surrogate. That’s how much they don’t want us to be pregnant. It might be the first sitcom ever with a surrogate. It’s crazy. Yeah, I’m, like, “Forget it, dude, I’m not wearing the fat suit.” I’m not doing it. We’re not going to have a baby. It wouldn’t work.

BE: Well, that answers my question of how the dynamic is going to change this season.

MP: Yeah, well, I’ll tell you what: those writers, any time they get access to a computer and they get to write a script, it’s nudity, nudity, nudity. It’s their favorite thing. I swear, there was a script where the writers actually, after we read the script out loud, they came to me with that look, like, “Are you going to hit me? Are you going to hit me?” There’s so much nudity. I’m, like, “You guys, I’m not 16. What are we doing with all of these nude things?” They’re, like, “What? We like it. We think you look good.” Okay, so I’m naked on camera all the time. It’s terrible.

BE: Hey, you were the one who just told me you were working out, so it seems like you’re going to be set.

MP: I know, right? As the wardrobe girls said, “You know, those guys would have written it whether you were working out or not, so you’re just lucky that you’re actually in good shape.”

BE: So who would you say is the person that you get to work with the least within the ensemble that you would like to work with more?

MP: Oliver (Hudson). We’re great friends in real life, and our kids are the same age and we hang out. And every time we come to work, we’re, like, “Hey, why don’t we ever get to be in scenes together?” Then Oliver says, “there would be too much chemistry. They just wouldn’t believe that we’re only neighbors.” (Laughs) It’s our joke. Yeah. He’s the one. I’m never in scenes with Oliver, and he’s one of my favorite people. I can’t say he’s my favorite because, you know, that would sound bad.

BE: Well, sure.

MP: But he’s my favorite person that I work with, and we never have scenes together.

BE: Will there be more Audrey / Jennifer episodes?

MP: You know it’s strange, because I feel like the dynamic with the women and the men separately is much better than the women together. Like, I feel like when Audrey and Jennifer are in the same room, we’re kind of, like, “Yeah, I know, me, too.” You know, there’s not a lot of conflict with those two. I mean, occasionally there is, but I feel like the conflict which is more funny to watch comes from the male characters with the female characters. There’s such a disconnect between the logic. II feel like when Jennifer and Audrey are in the same room, it’s just, “Yeah, I know.” You know what I mean? There’s not a lot of conflict, so I don’t really like those scenes as much as I thought I would. I mean, I love Bianca (Kajlich), I think that we are very good friends, but I feel like those characters are written to be buddies rather than to have, you know, sort of a snipey relationship. Like, the guys have a snipey relationship amongst themselves, but I like the girl/guy things better. Also, when we’re in a group, I think that’s always really fun. When we have diner scenes where it’s all of us, that’s always the most fun… (Laughs)…jamming us all into those booths and then all of us attacking each other.

BE: I love the episodes when Audrey and Russell team up, particularly the episode where we find out that he loves musicals.

MP: Absolutely. I think that was probably my favorite episode to shoot. There’s another one this season that, again, it’s so brilliantly written. It’s written like a play, in that everything happens kind of on two different sides of the stage. It’s, like, there’s rapid fire lying…it’s between Jeff and Audrey, of course. We’re lying to each other for no personal gain…just, you know, lying because that’s how they are. (Laughs) And it snowballs and it is just quick, quick cuts. And David is, I think the funniest he has ever been in his entire life. I mean, to the point where we had to do so many retakes from all of us cracking up. And it’s basically Jeff lies about going to a bachelor party that was canceled. And I know that he’s lied, and then I lie about something else that was canceled, and he knows that I’m lying. And we all kind of know the other one is lying, but we never give it up. Up to the end, with this insane…me smoking four cigarettes at the same time, trying to prove that someone who smokes had been in the room. It’s insanity. And it is so fun and silly and…I feel like it is old school Broadway, the kind that doesn’t even exist anymore, you know? But it’s been so much fun, I can’t even believe it’s my job, you know? That they pay me to show up.

BE: Now that Adhir is going to be in the cast also, is he going to be interacting more with other characters besides just David?

MP: Yeah, actually, Adhir and I got to do a really fun episode last year that was…he and I were in a car, and it was, like, this very tightly shot scene where it seems like it’s entirely sexual and…it’s not. I don’t mean at all what he thinks I mean. It’s another case of just brilliant writing. He is such a good actor. You know, he’s a crazy actor. I’m sure we’re going to see him in a Merchant Ivory film in between sitcoms. He’s so specific in what he does, and he has this whole method that he uses. He’s really a fascinating guy.

BE: So who can we expect for guest stars? I read somewhere that Jaime Pressly was popping up.

MP: She is. Once again we hearken back to the old surrogate idea. It’s frightening. Alan Ruck shows up as our marital counselor, which was so fun. He’s, again, just such a historically hilarious actor. I mean, he’s iconic. He walks in the room and everyone’s, like, “Oh, my God, it’s Cameron from ‘Ferris Bueller’! Oh, my God!” (Laughs) So, yeah, he shows up, and…I’m trying to remember all of our other guest stars. I feel like they did so much with our core cast that we really got to explore that group a lot. I go back to my office which, again, involves me getting in trouble and a lot of nudity. Beth Littleford came back, and so did Susan Yeagley, who played the funny girl in my office from last season. But I’m trying to think if we had any other guest stars…

BE: Did anyone’s parents or siblings return?

MP: No, and that makes me sad. I’m dying to see who my mother is. I keep hearing it thrown around that it’s going to be Oliver’s actual mom, that it’s going to be Goldie Hawn who’s going to play my mom.

BE: Oh, wow.

MP: Which to me would be a dream come true, because she has to be my favorite actress, really, of my whole life. I mean, really, it was a little weird when I met her. I’m, like, “Oh, my God!” (Laughs) I think my first movie in the theater was “Foul Play,” and, I mean, my mother raised me from the time I was four years old watching Goldie Hawn. So, yeah, I would love for her to play my mom. That would be great.

BE: I wanted to ask you about a couple of other sitcoms you have been on. First off, I’m a huge fan of “Grounded For Life.”

MP: Oh, thank you! Me, too, actually. I don’t think I realized how funny it was until I watched it in rerun.

BE: I’ve always described it to people as being almost like a “Memento” of sitcoms, because of the structure.

MP: Oh, yeah, completely.

BE: That must have been somewhat hellish to film as a result, though, because of the structure.

MP: The funniest thing about that crazy show is that I had…well, they didn’t cast me until 15 minutes before the first table read because they thought I was too young. So they kept saying, “She’s too you, she’s too young,” and then they kept saying, “But she’s funny!” “But she’s too young, she’s too young.” So whatever, I was only ten years older than my 16 year old daughter on the show, you know, whatever. It’s TV, it’s magic. (Laughs) So I was cast…literally, they called me up, I was in my pajamas, playing the piano, and they said, “Get in your car and come over here; you got the job.” What? What? Okay, so I show up and that day is when they say, “Well, tomorrow morning you have a six AM call, and we’re starting the shooting for the…” I said, “Wait, no, no, no. This is a sitcom. We don’t do film shooting. What are you talking about?” I had no idea. So, yeah, we shot film two or three days a week, and then we also shot a full audience show, where they would play back everything that we had shot on film earlier. So, yeah, it was crazy. It was so fun, but it was nuts.

BE: Has there ever been any talk of bringing any of the cast members of “Grounded” on for guest appearances on “Rules of Engagement”?

MP: We have talked about Kevin Corrigan, who I actually got to have lunch with last week, he’s shooting a movie in L.A. And I think Kevin has to be beaten over the head and dragged into Los Angeles, because he’s really a New York guy. And, you know, Donal Logue is always working. He’s in Vancouver right now shooting something. So it’s kind of rough to get my peeps back. Although I have pitched a couple of times Richard Riehle, who played the father-in-law from “Grounded.” He had worked with Tom Hertz, our creator, on another show. He’s such a fantastic actor. So I pitched him to play my dad, it just hasn’t come up yet, that I’ve had any parents. But that was such a joy, to do that, to do “Grounded” because, I mean, as actors, we’re such great actors. It was just so incredibly fun. And talk about being married, I mean, Donal and I were basically married for five years. (Laughs)

BE: I’m also the proud owner of “LateLine: The Complete series.”

MP: Are you really?

BE: I am, yeah.

MP: You know that show almost made me quit acting?

BE: Really? I liked it.

MP: No, I mean, when they canceled that show.

BE: Oh, okay. That I can believe.

MP: Oh, I just said forget it. It made no sense to me. I really have a hard time even talking about the show without getting weepy. I still think it’s great. One of my best friends is the creator of that show. It was so brilliantly done. I think it was so ahead of its time, too.

BE: I loved it. I mean, going in, I obviously loved Al Franken, but I’d been a big Miguel Ferrer ever since I had seen him on “Twin Peaks”.

MP: Who’s also one of my dear, dear friends. It was just such an amazing experience, too, to shoot that. And we shot it in New York. Yeah, it was incredible, and it was incredibly exciting, too, to work with…I mean, talk about great actors. I think Robert Foxworth is a legend; Miguel is a legend. You know, Al is hysterically Al. I mean, everyone from that show has just gone on to just work, work, work. Oh, that’s so sweet that you have that. I love that you have the complete series!

BE: Well, keep in mind that I am a TV critic. But, still, I actually paid money for that set (Laughs)

MP: Well, yeah, but you’re a TV critic. That means a lot.

BE: Well, thanks. But, y’know, then again, you were also in “Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector.”

MP: (Laughs) Well, that’s how I got out of doing another sitcom that they wanted me to do. I didn’t want to do this other sitcom when they kept offering me more money, and it was getting ugly. So I was, like, “I’m going to do a movie.” And I’m telling you, Larry the Cable Guy, that guy, he is the greatest human being. I mean, I know his comedy is a little rough and whatever, but he is such a great guy! That was, again, such a joy. We shot in Florida, in August. It couldn’t have been more disgusting, and I couldn’t have had more fun. (Laughs) I really just couldn’t have had more fun. Those people were just great people.

BE: Oh, yeah, he’s one of those guys…I mean, I would not begin to claim that I’m a fan of his comedy, but from what I’ve read, he definitely seems like a heck of a nice guy.

MP: Do you know…there was this show that he did in, heck, I can’t remember, some city in Florida, that we all went to when we were shooting. And he stayed after…he did a two and a half hour show, and then he stayed for three hours after his show signing autographs and taking pictures with fans. Who does that? He sold out a stadium and then hung around for three hours afterwards, just so his fans could say “hi.” I mean, he’s such a nice guy. He’s over and above the call of duty, that guy. He’s so not a star, you know? Meanwhile, we’re all making jokes about, “Can I have the ten million dollars? That wouldn’t hurt ya, right? Can I have a check?” (Laughs) “Can I have a plane? Hey, Dan, can I have a plane?” (Writer’s note: Larry the Cable Guy’s real name is Dan Whitney.)

BE: Well, obviously, I mentioned talking to you at the TCA tour when you were talking to Drew. Had you been friends with him since you appeared on his show? It was a small role, I guess, but…

MP: He’s another guy who…I mean, I’m telling you, since day one, that guy…I had a tiny role on his show, and he treated me like I was his long lost sister, you know? He was just…all of those guys on that show, Ryan (Stiles) and Diedrich (Bader), they were just so kind. And it was, again, such a fun set to work on. And that was my first sitcom, really. I mean that was, like, I just got that role, it was just “Waitress.” There was nothing else to it. But, yeah, he’s such a great guy. Drew is also a guy who I think is so genuine. And, I mean, you know that from talking to him.

BE: Oh, yeah, definitely.

MP: He’s so what you see is what you get. I just love that. I think I’ve been really lucky, too, in my career, because I have worked pretty much nonstop since I started. And I really never worked with jerks, you know? I’ve really always worked with great people, and I don’t know if that’s because I choose well or if I’m just a regular girl and I’m not really attracted to divas, but I really have been so lucky. No one wants to hear those stories, though. They always want to hear the diva stories.

BE: Well, I will wrap up here by telling you that, by standing around that conversation between you and Drew, it resulted in me hearing the greatest anecdote of the entire press tour.

MP: (Excitedly) What? What was it?

BE: Your story about going to see “Footloose” The Musical” with David Cross. Oh, my God, I’ve told that story to more people than I can count.

MP: (Laughs) Oh, that’s hilarious. I’m going to tell him that. Oh, that was funny. I forgot I told that story.

“David Cross and I decided that we were going to go to ‘Footloose,’ because we were, like, ‘It’s gonna be so bad that it’s gonna be fun!’ So we’re sitting in the theater, and we decided at intermission that we were just gonna do shots. We were, like, ‘It’s gonna get better, because now we’re all drunk!’ So we go back in and we sit down, and these boys in front of us, who were, like, fifteen and were clearly there under duress from their mother, turn around and say to David, ‘Hey, you’re in ‘Mr. Show.’ We thought you were cool.’ And he was so bummed for the longest time! He was, like, ‘No, no, if you’ll just let me explain…! I’m here ironically!’”

BE: Oh, man, I laughed so hard. Actually, I do have one more I wanted to ask you. What’s your favorite project you’ve worked on that didn’t get the love that you thought it deserved?

MP: Well “LateLine”, obviously.

BE: Yeah, that’s what I was going to say. I thought it might fall back to that, but it’s kind of stock question of mine.

MP: It has to be “LateLine,” because I really feel, in all honesty, “LateLine” is one of those shows that could have gone on for ten years, easily. You know? It felt to me like one of those shows that was topical without being too self-aware. You can watch the reruns now and you don’t go, “Oh, wow…” You know, like, people referencing IM’ing or something. It doesn’t feel dated to me when I watch it. It still feels current. And it’s kind of one of those hybrid shows that didn’t know where it belonged and it got caught up in politics. I think it got canceled kind of through no fault of its own. There was a big change in execs at the network and, you know, the new guy doesn’t want the old guys stuff. It seemed like such a waste to cancel that show, because it was so brilliant.

BE: I know that you mentioned that there was a sitcom that you didn’t want to do, which led to “Larry the Cable Guy.” But has there ever been a pilot that you did that didn’t get picked up that you still can’t believe didn’t get picked up?

MP: No. You know, that’s the weirdest piece of trivia about me: I have never done a pilot that did not get picked up.

BE: That’s pretty impressive.

MP: Including one that I did that I didn’t do the series for. But the pilot still got picked up to series. Isn’t that crazy?

BE: What was that, just out of curiosity?

MP: The Freddy Prinze, Jr. pilot. Bruce Helford created it, and he’s the one who gave me my first job on “Drew Carey.” I was actually in New York, doing theater, and Bruce Helford called up and said, “We can’t cast this role, will you do it? Will you just do the pilot? Because you’re the pilot Buddha. Every pilot you do gets picked up. Will you help me get my pilot picked up?” And I said, “Absolutely.” So I came back on and shot it, and the pilot got picked up, but I was not signed on to do the series. And that was right after “Grounded for Life,” too. That was when I kind of needed a little bit of a break after that. But, yeah, I’ve never done a pilot that didn’t get picked up. So when pilot season comes around, there are casting directors who say, “Please, please. She’s the pilot Buddha. Please, just play a receptionist and then the pilot will get picked up.”

BE: I’m so honored to have spoken with the pilot Buddha.

MP: (Laughs) The pilot Buddha, yeah. I don’t know, it seems like a wild suspect claim to fame, but it is true. Yeah, I know lots of people who say, “Oh, whatever, just do the pilot.” I never just do the pilot. If I do a show, it’s because I think it’s a good show, you know? And the reason I did “Rules of Engagement” was it was Patrick; it was Tom Hertz, who I knew was the creator and is a great director; it was Adam Sandler’s project. You know, there were reasons. I don’t just take work for no reason. Which is probably why I don’t work all of the time, because I don’t like to just do garbage. I like to do stuff that makes me proud.

BE: Makes sense. Well, it’s been awesome actually speaking to you directly, as opposed to sharing a conversation.

MP: And as opposed to you telling my stories when I’m not around! (Laughs)

BE: (Laughs) Exactly.

MP: I love telling that one because it’s so good at David’s expense.

BE: Oh, man, but it’s so funny.

MP: (Laughs) Yeah, it really is.

BE: All right, well, maybe I’ll see you at the next press tour.

MP: Oh, I hope so! So let’s go over all the important stuff again before we go. (Laughs) On March 1, we’re coming back. Now, do they give you all the screeners?

BE: They do, and I’ve seen the first two episodes.

MP: I’m looking forward to seeing them myself! (Laughs) I’m telling you…and, again, I’m sure everyone says this, but…it is our best season we’ve ever done. It gets better and better. And now I’ve hyped it too much, so now you’ll be disappointed. (Laughs)

BE: I’m now officially afraid to watch.

MP: Hey, can I ask you a question?

BE: Sure.

MP: What’s your favorite show on TV?

BE: Let’s see, my favorite show at the moment…? Well, the obvious answer for a sitcom is going to be “Modern Family” or “Community,” but having just seen the opening two episodes, “Damages” is currently my favorite drama.

MP: Oh, really?

BE: Yep. I’ve just seen the first two episodes of the new season, and it’s, like, out of the box, I’m ready to tune in for the rest of the season.

MP: All right. Good to know, because I’m not…see, I never have time to watch TV, so I’ll TiVo. But I don’t even know what to TiVo, so I always…I have a friend who has totally opposite taste than mine and is always telling me what to watch, and I don’t like “Ugly Betty,” and, ah, whatever.

BE: Well, have you watched “Damages” at all?

MP: No. I haven’t at all.

BE: Well this is the third season, but usually they do a really nice recap before hand.

MP: I have Netflix, so I can do that.

BE: Okay, excellent. Yeah, you definitely should check it out. I mean, the whole run of the show is great. I’m actually revisiting season two right now because it just came out on DVD. But the new season, they’ve got Martin Short and Lily Tomlin doing dramatic stuff, and…

MP: Oh, my God, I love Lily Tomlin so much. I can’t even describe it. Did you see her on Kathy Griffin’s show? On “The D-List”?

BE: I did not.

MP: Oh, it is one of the best episodes on television, I’m telling you. Kathy Griffin goes like backstage with Lily Tomlin, and Lily Tomlin is just genius. By the way, I saw her live three years ago, and you would think…Lily Tomlin’s what, pushing 70?

BE: Got to be, yeah.

MP: Yeah, it would be like watching Phyllis Diller or Bette Midler or whatever. Lily Tomlin is unbelievable live. She’s unbelievable. Her jokes are crazy sharp. I mean, I’m sure she’s writing some and she has good writers, but she’s brilliant on stage. Even at whatever age she is, she’s just fantastic.

BE: Oh, and she’s obviously really quick too because they had the panel for “Damages,” and she was there by satellite. It was something like 11:00 in the morning, and you could see her titling a glass every once in awhile, so one of the critics was, like, “Uh, Lily, are you drinking wine this early?” She’s, like, “Oh, no, this is water. But I stopped drinking wine just a little bit ago.”

MP: Uh-huh, yeah. That was her the whole Kathy Griffin show. She’s drinking wine through the whole thing, and she’s absolutely hysterical. Talk about quick, man, she’s quicker than Kathy Griffin. I mean, she’s unreal. Yeah, she’s fantastic. We used to take pilates from the same woman and, I swear, I would bribe the pilates teacher to book me right after Lilly just so I could hang out with her for a few minutes. She studied for about seven minutes of her hour session, by the way. She would just gab and talk. (Laughs) Alright, that’s all the glamour that I have, so it’s over!

BE: (Laughs) But to answer your question, yes, absolutely, “Damages” I 100% recommend.

MP: Alright, I’m putting that on my list, because I need something good. I’m bored of TV, and I know it’s just because I don’t know the right things to watch. Cool, man, thank you!

BE: No problem. Well, again, thanks for chatting with me, and like I said, hopefully I’ll see you come this summer at the TCA tour.

MP: Absolutely. I will see you…or you should seek me out, because I’m probably easier to find.

BE: Given that crowd, yeah, probably. Alright, thanks a lot Megyn. I appreciate it.

MP: Alright, take care!

There’s only one problem when it comes to discussing Season 3 of “Damages” and it’s this: a key event occurs in the season premiere that I can’t possibly give away. As such, I’m forced to dance around it…which sucks, because, man, I reeeeeeeally want to talk about it with someone.

What we can talk about, at least, is the general premise of the season, which revolves around a suspiciously-familiar concept: a high-profile financier who turns his wealth management business into a massive Ponzi scheme that defrauds thousands of investors of billions of dollars. But, c’mon, this panel took place before an audience of intelligent critics (and, no, that’s not a contradiction in terms, thank you very much), so no one was going to ask, “So, is it a coincidence that this resembles the whole Bernie Madoff situation?” The better question, obviously, was whether or not any other news stories were in competition for use as the thrust of Season 3.

“Well, I don’t know if I’d call it competition,” said executive producer Daniel Zelman, laughing. “But there were several stories we were looking at, not just the Madoff case. There was an attorney named Marc Dreier who fascinated us. You may have seen; he did an interview on “60 Minutes.” But he had perpetrated some $700 million con essentially. And also, a businessman named Allen Stanford had basically created a bank in Antigua that supposedly had billions of dollars in it, but had nothing in it. So we were really drawn to all of these stories, and we’re using elements of all these stories in the story that we’re telling, although coming through the front door, it’s sort of more around the Madoff scenario.”

Those who’ve been watching “Damages” regularly have seen unexpected casting choices like Ty Burrell (“Modern Family”), Ted Danson (“Cheers,” “Becker”), and Darrell Hammond (“Saturday Night Live”) pay off handsomely, but even so, it’s a bit of a surprise to find both Martin Short and Lily Tomlin turning up in Season 3. For executive producer Todd A. Kessler, however, it makes perfect sense.

“One of the things that we try to strive for on ‘Damages’ is that nothing is as it seems,” he says. “Starting in the first season, when we cast Ted as Arthur Frobisher, it continues to just amaze us to work with actors and performers who aren’t always given the opportunities to do something other than what they’re primarily known for. When the casting came up this season…Lily plays the matriarch of a family that Patty Hewes is going after, and Marty plays the family’s attorney…we just thought it would be an amazing opportunity to work with both of them and then also have them embody this sense of ‘nothing is as it seems.’ And while there’s a familiarity with both of them as actors and their career work, on our show I think they’re both giving pretty iconic performances that are thrilling us daily.”

“I wouldn’t say I’ve done an endless amount of serious roles,” admitted Short, appearing at the panel via satellite, “but I think of myself as a character actor, and you play characters in a sincere fashion. Even if you’re playing Franck from ‘Father of the Bride,’ if you’re trying to be funny as that character, you won’t be. But if you sincerely play him as this eccentric person who exists in the world, then you’re basically acting the character, who happens to be an unusual character. So I don’t really look at it as a differentiation between comedy and serious. It, to me, is just what the role is, what it requires, how you can most effectively give the author what he had hoped to achieve.”

Although Short never clarified whether or not he was a fan of the series, Tomlin – also appearing via satellite – couldn’t stop gushing about her unadulterated “Damages” fandom.

“It’s the only show I’ve ever run home to see, no matter what,” she said, excitedly. “If I were working on another show even, I’d say, ‘I have to get out of here!’ That first season, it was on Tuesday nights, and I’d say, ‘I have to get home. I have to see it!’ And I wanted to see the 7 o’clock feed. I didn’t want to see the 10 o’clock; I wanted to see it from the get-go. And when I’d see Glenn (Close) anyplace at an event or anything, I would just jump all over her, and I’d say, ‘You’ve got to tell us. What’s going to happen? Why can’t you be on every night? Why can’t you be on all year? Why do I have to wait now?’ But I think what got me a part was I ran into Todd Kessler at a photography show in L.A., and when someone told me who he was, I completely lost it. You know how women throw themselves, like, they’ll jump on a guy they know really well and put their arms around his neck and their legs around his waist…? I think when it came to do the third season, they thought, ‘Remember that girl that jumped on you at that photography show? She really likes the show. Let’s see if she’s going to pass.” So I was thrilled to get it. I didn’t have a hesitation. I wanted to be on the show very, very much.”

And Close, for the record, is quite glad to have her…and Short, too, for that matter.

“My first scene with Martin and Lily is when I was deposing Lily,” Close said, “and I was sitting across from the two of them in our conference room on the set, and it was a very surreal experience, having watched them my whole career and loved them. I can’t tell you how invigorating, inspiring, fun it is. For me, it’s just pure fun. You get a well-written scene, and you have actors that can do anything that’s asked of them and have a million ideas. As Marty was saying the other day, because of the pace that we work at, in many ways it’s like an improv, because you have to be very quick on your feet. You have to be able to learn lines very fast and then to be able to kind of move around in those lines and make it authentic and believable. It’s just a great process. And to have people that are just so much fun! You two are not even here, but I’m jealous because I don’t have a lot of scenes with these two. There was a scene with Lily and Martin and Campbell Scott, and one of the crew guys said it was a gift to watch them, not only when they were in the scene, but what they did between the takes. They said the comedy, just the flights of fancy…”

“They never say that about us,” sighed Tate Donovan.

“No,” admitted Close, “they don’t. We’re the boring ones.”

We can’t say too much about what goes on with Ellen Parsons this season, mostly because it’s a given that she’s going to be in the heart of whatever happens, but without being too specific, we can at least acknowledge that, as a character, Ellen gets fleshed out a bit in Season 3.

“I think this season is exploring the theme of family,” said Parsons. “You get to see Ellen with her parents and her sister, and I think it reveals a lot about where she’s come from. (It’s) the polar opposite of the life with Patty and at the office, and I think it really reveals a lot of why she does what she does. When we meet her, she’s actually very different again this season from the last two seasons in that they’re actually quite separate when we first start. She hasn’t spoken to her for six months, and she’s really moved on in a real genuine kind of sense. Patty doesn’t get under her skin anymore, but the complexity of their relationship is definitely something that we still kind of end up exploring throughout the season.”

“From the beginning of the show, in the pilot, we didn’t want to give one specific label to Ellen,” explained Todd A. Kessler, “that she went to this law school and so she must be great, or she had this experience, and so that explains why she seeks out someone like Patty. We wanted it to develop, and we don’t really believe that there’s ever one formulative experience that defines someone’s existence. So in this third season now, we’re going to really be exploring Ellen’s relationship with her family and get more of Ellen’s past, in addition to Patty’s past. But it’s something that’s been very intriguing to us to kind of give pieces of that without having it be a nicely wrapped-up package early on before you actually see the person interacting with other characters.”

That’s just about all I can offer up from the panel without delving into stuff that, frankly, you’d be better served by learning yourself while watching the season premiere of “Damages” on January 25th. I can, however, close with a highly appropriate bit where, playing off Ms. Tomlin’s earlier comments, Ms. Close was asked if she ever does relent when someone comes up to her and asks for spoilers.

“I never let the secrets out,” Close confirmed. “And that’s very easy because I know they really don’t want to know. I’ve had people come up and say, ‘What’s in the box? Don’t tell me!‘ So, no, I never tell.” Turning to Donovan, she asked, “Do you tell?”

“All the time,” he replied with a grin, before quickly clarifying that “we don’t even know.”

“No, we don’t know,” agreed Close.”

“I would tell,” clarified Donovan, “but I don’t even know. The secret is that we don’t know the secrets.”

“I don’t even know if Todd and Glenn and Dan (Zelman) know the secrets in advance,” said Tomlin. “Maybe a few hours.”

“But that’s kind of the liberating thing,” said Donovan. “One of the liberating things about the show as an actor and anything else is that you don’t have time to judge yourself or your character or what’s happening or your scene partner because you don’t really know what’s going to happen and who you really are. I mean, I know that sounds terrible, and we as actor love to know our arc and stuff like that, but…I find it just so much fun to not know.”

Richard Schickel, however, is a more complicated case. Also a strong documentary filmmaker who mainly covers filmmakers of the classic era and his favorite contemporary director, Clint Eastwood, as well as a highly readable writer, I’ve nevertheless have always felt somewhat suspicious of him going back to his eighties reviews in Time Magazine. Those feelings crystallized to some extent when I heard him and critic Emanuel Levy take to task a rabbi on Los Angeles public radio while discussing Robert Benigni’s “Life is Beautiful.” They all but called him a bad Jew for not finding the film offensive and daring to admit he was moved by it, or at least that’s how I remember it.

Still, I’ve enjoyed not only several of his cinephile-friendly documentaries, but also some really good audio commentaries recently featuring Schickel discussing another one of his — and my — favorites, Howard Hawks. I’ve been in a forgiving mood.

Then, however, some editor at the L.A. Times had a very bad idea last week. I guess there’s no law that says, say, that if someone hates Picasso or Oscar Wilde or whomever, they should not review a new biography of them.  Ideally, I suppose, by itself that should not be a deal-breaker — as long as the writer in question can step away from their dislike of the subject enough to actually review the book rather than simply yell to the heavens that the revered creator being chronicled is wildly overrated while slipping in some snide remarks at the author’s expense for daring to think her subject is worth composing an entire book about.

Schickel, however, is clearly not big enough to do that, as he proved in writing this anti-Robert Altman screed disguised as a book review for the Los Angeles Times.  You can read Anne Thompson‘s take and then Patrick Goldstein‘s critique and defense of Altman, which also includes a letter from Altman’s one-time protegee, Alan Rudolph, a pretty strong and prolific filmmaker in his own right.

Again, there’s no law that says a critic cannot despise the output of a director widely seen as a great master. I happen to really and truly hate the three or four films I’ve managed to sit through by Michelangelo Antonioni, yet I know a lot of great critics and filmmakers have had their lives changed by his work. Even if we disagree, a certain amount of respect is due to all those people who are just as smart or smarter than me but who simply see something I don’t. At minimum, then, Altman’s many admirers deserve at least the respect of writing a proper book review.

Also, if you’re going to claim that you’re not disliking him simply for having a loose filmmaking style, citing such top-ranking classical formalists as Bergman and Renoir won’t get you very far. I’d like to know if Schickel has any respect for the more improvisational and experimental French, Italian, and English New Wave directors and neorealists (not my favorite style, by the way) who obviously influenced Altman far more.

As for me, I don’t see the relevance of whether or not Altman was constantly using alcohol and pot. Apparently, Winston Churchill was forever nursing a brandy, which allowed the possible ADHD sufferer to concentrate enough to fight Hitler and save Western Civilization. Whether or not Altman actually had a drug problem or was self-medicating is not for us to know or even care — whatever he was doing, he lived to eighty-one despite serious illnesses and made 45 films starting when he was about 45 with “M*A*S*H” (he’d made films previously, but he was primarily a television director before that), several of them regarded as masterpieces and a number of hits that also happened to be really good movies, and some really good movies that weren’t hits. To paraphrase Abe Lincoln, let’s find out what he was having and ship a case/pound of it to all our directors.

***

And now, two movie moments from probably my two favorite Altman films, Nashville and The Long Goodbye. Coincidentally, they both feature stand-out work from, among others, two  performers who became known via “Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In,” specifically Lily Tomlin in maybe my favorite scene in any film of the 1970s, and the late Henry Gibson.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that, were it a contest to see who got the best pull quotes out of Joan, Joel Keller of TV Squad – who preceded me in speaking with her – would have taken the victory (she hadn’t been aware that David Tutera was scheduled to have his own TCA panel, but when he brought it up, she let fly with her thoughts on him in her usual forthright manner), but I still managed to get a couple of good lines from Ms. Rivers about “Z Rock,” “The Celebrity Apprentice,” and “Rabbit Test,” and the closing moments of our conversation will live in my memory forever.

Bullz-Eye: It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Joan Rivers: And it’s a pleasure to…well, we’ll see.

BE: (Laughs) I’ve got only got a couple of minutes, but I’ll do my best.

JR: Ask whatever you want.

BE: You were talking earlier about your continued relevancy, and I just wanted to say that I’m a big fan of your work on “Z Rock.”

JR: I love “Z Rock.” Love “Z Rock”.

BE: How did that gig come about? How were you pitched the show?

JR: They sent me the pilot. Did you ever see the pilot?

BE: Yes.

JR: Can’t get funnier. “Stick a Statue of Liberty up your ass.” I mean, I laughed out loud. They said, “Would you do an episode?” I said, “I want to be on it.” I asked them, literally, and that’s how it started. Every time I’m in town and they’re in town and we get together, they put me on. I love the boys; I think Lynne is a genius. And, of course, I can’t remember the other comedian who is so brilliant on it, but…you know, the one that plays the gay…

BE: Oh, right, the bar owner. (Writer’s note: the comedian’s name is Big Jay Oakerson.)

JR: Oh he’s so good. He’s so good. It’s just a joy to work with them. And it’s improvisation. I come out of Second City, you know.

BE: So when you did “The Celebrity Apprentice,” was it always going to be you and Melissa, or did they approach you first? Or even her first?

JR: They approached us separately, but somebody was very smart. There was no mother/daughter team that really works. I think it was the smartest thing they did. I think it brought such another color to the show. The mother/daughter dynamic was obviously one of the high points of the show.

BE: Well, my wife was cheering you on the entire way.

JR: Isn’t that nice?

BE: Yeah, I was in the other room working, and she’s yelling, “You’ve got to come watch. Joan’s got to win! If she doesn’t win, I’m going to need some help!”

JR: (Laughs) Oh, that’s so great. That’s so great.

BE: Was there ever any point where you thought you might not win?

JR: All the time. I did not know, and…no one believes this, but we sat down (during the finale), and I still did not know. I thought he was going to say, “Joan, you’re very good, but you’re too emotional. And Annie (Duke) plays it tough and that’s what business is all about.” But it’s not what business is all about anymore. After Bernie Madoff, no. You play honorably. It’s not lie and cheat and steal to get your way. It’s get it right or don’t get it. So I truly didn’t think I was going to win. And she thought…she stood up. Go watch it. He goes, “Annie,” and she stood up…and then he goes, “Sorry.” It looked like she had osteoporosis. She shrunk.

BE: Joel (Keller from TV Squad) brought up your appearance in PBS’s“Make ‘Em Laugh” special a minute ago.

JR: Yeah.

BE: Did you see the entire special?

JR: I just watched parts of it. You know what the best part of that was? W.C. Fields. He can still make you laugh. And Fanny Brice can still make you laugh. When they’re good, they’re good. I love watching the ones to see why they were great.

BE: Is there any comedian who you would consider one of your peers, who didn’t make it as big as you always thought they should have?

JR: Yeah, there are a couple that didn’t make it as big as I thought they should. David Brenner, I think, should be further along, because his mind is a great mind. There’s a girl named Lynne Kop…uh, from…I’m very bad on names, but from “Z Rock.” Lynne….

BE: Oh, right, Lynne Koplitz.

JR: Right. She is so ready, you know, like a full bloom. And she’s not getting that recognition, and it kills me. If I had a late night show, she would be on it so fast. Yeah, I think she deserves recognition. Lily Tomlin, I think, she went into movies. She took a different turn. I think she was one of the incandescently wonderful on stage.

BE: How do you look back at “Rabbit Test,” which you wrote and directed in 1978?

JR: It’s funny. I think we got a very short shrift. You look at “Borat” and you look at “Brüno” and go look at “Rabbit Test.” It’s just as silly and funny. And the critics…we had one of the mothers in the film, she was having gas, but she took the meal, she wanted to be nice. So she sprayed it with Lysol, and then brought it out. Every critic said. “This is disgusting, this is terrible.” We were too soon. Too soon.

BE: Do you have any idea if it will ever see the light of day on DVD?

JR: Um, probably…not.

Joan’s assistant: Everybody asks that question.

JR: That, and “The Girl Most Likely To…” (which Rivers wrote) is another one that got lost in the shuffle.

BE: Well, it seems like if it does come out, you’d be ready to do the DVD special features.

JR: Oh, you’re damned right. You’re damned right.

BE: And last one, since I know I need to wrap it up: have you ever found it hard to be able to keep your risqué edge in standup, being a female comedian?

JR: Not now. The only good thing about…I said this before, but the only good thing about age is that I get out there and I say I’m working better than I ever worked. That started about seven years ago in Edinburgh. I just said, ‘Oh, what, am I going to censor myself?” I’ve been fired, I’ve been broke, I’ve been bankrupt, I’ve had to go to court to get my name back, I’ve been publicly humiliated. Screw all you. Now I’m going to tell you what I really think about Jennifer Aniston, that little miss boo-hoo. So, no, I don’t censor myself at all now.

BE: Actually, when I was watching your panel, I changed my Facebook status to read, “Joan Rivers is on stage. She has dropped at least seven f-bombs in the last 60 seconds. She is awesome.”

JR: Oh, that’s very sweet. But, you know, fuck is in the vernacular now. It was good enough for Shakespeare. When Jane Fonda can say “cunt,” it’s over. It’s done.

BE: Well, thank you very much, Joan.

JR: You said you’ve got a wife…? Where is your wife? Where is home?

BE: Home is Virginia, and wife will actually be arriving any minute. In fact, I should be getting a phone call from her any time now, saying that she’s at the airport.

JR: Great. Are you going upstairs to your room or staying down here?

BE: I am going to go check out the next panel, whatever it may be.

JR: Oh, I was going to send that to your wife. (Gestures to a rose in a vase, sitting on a nearby table)

BE: Well, I won’t refuse that.

JR: Want to run it up to your room?

BE: Sure.

JR: Run that right up to your room. Trust me, you’ll get lucky tonight.

BE: (Laughs) Thank you, Joan.

JR: Oh, sure.

Remember FUN? from Mitchell Squires on Vimeo.