I’ve got a feeling tonight is the end of the line for either Kathy Ireland or Chuck Lidell. Kathy, because she hasn’t progressed since Week One and Chuck, because the larger American public doesn’t connect with him. Plus, you know his MMA buddies aren’t flooding the lines with their votes. Kelly Osbourne and Tom DeLay are on thin ice, but I think they’ll survive this elimination round.

Baz Lurhmann is sitting in for Len Goodman once again and he’s asked Mya and Dmitry to perform their Jive from the night before. Watching Mya, it’s clear she has more natural dancing ability than any of the other celebrities. What song is this, by the way? The female voice-over sounds like Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth.

Joss Stone disappeared for the last three or four years, correct? Her voice sounds like a mixture of Al Green and Janis Joplin. It’s surprising when you realize she’s a cute, skinny, white girl from England.

Now Selena Gomez, the next Disney susperstar, is on stage. Only 17, her new album, Kiss and Tell, is about to rake in millions of dollars and set little Selena for life. It’s sad. Disney doesn’t even try anymore. They’re just completely up front with how they manufacture their young talent. Soaked in reverb, echo, and overdubs, Selena Gomez sounds more like a mother of two than a teenager. When she steps slightly away from the mic while singing, you can actually hear her natural voice. Yeah, that wouldn’t sell too well, would it?

Was anybody else disappointed by that whole USC Marching Band/break dance showcase? I expected something more entertaining.

Joss Stone would perform “Son of a Preacher Man,” wouldn’t she? The oldie was popularized by Dusty Springfield and then Aretha Franklin. I’m really digging Stones’ rendition, supported by those popping backup singers.

I’m surprised it’s Debi Mazar, rather than Chuck Lidell, facing elimination against Kathy Ireland. Mazar’s Tango actually had “feeling.” While Kathy Ireland seems really sweet, there’s no way she should stay over Debi Mazar. And she’s not.

Why do they make the recent eliminations perform a “final dance?” It’s bad enough that they lost, but now they have to dance dejectedly in front of millions watching at home? At least Kathy took it like a champ.

“Dancing with the Stars” returns next Monday at 8 PM on ABC.

Along with millions of high school girls, single women, wives, and complacent husbands, I’m currently in front of my television awaiting the newest episode of “Dancing with the Stars.” I find it more enjoyalbe to write about this type of show in the moment, rather than trying to piece a recap together the day after airing. Isn’t “Dancing with the Stars” more exciting than thought-provoking, anyway? Oh, I see lots of tan flesh. Here we go.

“Moulin Rouge” director Baz Lurhmann is serving as a guest judge tonight and the live audience is thrilled. Unfortunately, my current favorite elderly Brit, judge Len Goodman, is absent. I hope he’s not gone long as he’s the funniest part of the show.

Joanna Krupa with Derek Hough

This performance, the first of the night, was pretty sloppy. I didn’t know “jive” was also a dance — I thought it was just a type of trash-talking. Funny enough, judge Bruno Tonioli says the dance is supposed to be “clean.” Joanna’s rendition definitely was not. Wait…what’s with the high scores?

Natalie Coughlin with Alex Mazo

Hell yeah. The couple is dancing to “I Want You Back,” made famous by the Jackson 5. I love this song. Natalie Coughlin is, without a doubt, the cutest celebrity on the show. Against “I Want You Back,” I thought this dance looked pretty fun.

Chuck Lidell with Anna Trebunskaya

Chuck Lidell and a cute Russian woman dancing the Tango to “Seven Nation Army” by the White Stripes. I’m positive this will never happen again on television.

Melissa Joan Hart with Mark Ballas

More. Good. Music. I don’t know who gets to pick the songs, but the choices have been consistently great. Melissa and her partner are dancing the Jive to “Long Tall Sally,” popularized by Little Richard, the Beatles, and the Kinks. Sometimes, I lose focus on the dance in front of me because the music is so good. This was one of those times.

Michael Irvin with Anna Demadova

Well, Irvin was atrocious last week, but he looks comfortable with the Tango. The judges are being much nicer tonight, so that’s good for guys like him. Man, I miss that unpleasant prune of a Brit.

Debi Mazar with Maksim Chmerkovskiy

This is one of the few couples with visible chemistry. I liked their version of the Tango as they brought a sense of back story to the dance. They just got “7”s across the board. Looks like they’re staying.

Louie Vito with Chelsie Hightower

I’m not sure what the judges are talking about. This was the most impressive dance thus far. Since Louie Vito is very athletic, these two kids were jumping all over the place and having a blast. The home audience better keep them alive as this dance was actually entertaining. Anybody know what song was just playing? It’s really bothering me that I can’t figure it out.

Aaron Carter with Karina Smirnoff

The judges were really impressed with Carter — dressed like a leprechaun from Southern California — and his pretty partner. I didn’t think much of it, but what do I know?

Kelly Osbourne with Louis Van Amstel

Is her head supposed to keep turning side-to-side like that? I would definitely get whiplash. I want Kelly to win this silly show, but I doubt she’ll get high scores for this dance.

Kathy Ireland with Tony Dovolani

Kathy and her partner had to do the quick-step. I don’t know. I was a bit bored by their performance. As this is the second week, it was imperative that she improve, and she didn’t. She might be going home fairly soon.

Mark Dacascos with Lacey Schwimmer

Although this couple doesn’t exude the same level of excitement as some of the others, they excel in the technical aspects. Considering each team is only given four days to prepare, nobody has been horrible. Dacascos is definitely staying.

Mya with Dmitry Chaplin

Wait. Wasn’t Mya in a music video with Christina Aguilera for a song from “Moulin Rouge?” She certainly picked the season to compete. After this nearly flawless performance, Mya has
to be the favorite, right? She used to dance in her music videos, so she has at least some experience.

Tom DeLay with Cheryl Burke

Despite the hurt foot, DeLay did a great job. It’s a shame he almost dropped his partner at the end. Like Carrie Ann said, they are an odd, yet perfectly-matched couple. Their attempt at the Tango was graceful and interesting — much better than the bulk of dances tonight.

Donny Osmond with Kym Johnson

Man, he nailed it. From a simple viewer’s perspective, I didn’t see any mistakes. Mya vs. Osmond in the finals?

Check back tomorrow for my thoughts on tonght’s Results Show.