The Raven

Let’s just get this out of the way, this movie looks like shit, which is unfortunate given some of the names involved. “The Raven” was directed by James McTeigue, who was an assistant director for the “Matrix” trilogy before making his directorial debut with “V for Vendetta” in 2006. The cast includes Brendan Gleeson (“Braveheart,” “Gangs of New York,” “Harry Potter”), and stars John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe.

Poe’s death is shrouded in mystery, so the filmmakers took more than a few creative liberties in this fictionalized account of the writer’s last days. When a serial killer begins using his work as the inspiration for a series of gruesome murders, police enlist Poe to help bring the assailant to justice.

Reviews have been bad, hovering around 20 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, and not without reason. Edgar Allan Poe was a fascinating human being. In 1836, at age 27, he married his 13 year-old first cousin. The man was a great many things: author, poet, alcoholic, opium addict, and the inventor of detective fiction. He uneqivocally was not an action hero or some macabre version of Sherlock Holmes. With such an intriguing life story, there was no reason to make him into such.

“The Raven” is the 241st film or television adaptation of Poe’s work. That leaves you 240 options that might not be garbage, so pick one of those. Or, better yet, pick up some of his written work, which is in the public domain (that means it’s free).

Safe

In “Safe,” Jason Statham plays Luke Wright, “the Big Apple’s hardest cop, once up on a time.” Now, he’s a a second-rate cage fighter who drives fast, kicks ass, and always has a wry one-liner up his sleeve. That is, Jason Statham plays Jason Statham doing Jason Statham things, only he’s got an American accent (sort of). In this case, his excuse for coating the streets in blood is protecting a 12-year-old Chinese girl who’s memorized a valuable code from some Russian mobsters. Purely by coincidence, they’re the same Russian mobsters who murdered his wife.

“Safe” couldn’t have a more appropriate title. It’s another formulaic Statham action movie that’s split critics right down the middle because even though you know what’s going to happen, you can’t help but be entertained. Perhaps Aaron Hillis of The Village Voice put it best: “Safe” is a “preposterously enjoyable—or enjoyably preposterous—action-thriller.”

If “Safe” is your style, go and enjoy it, you’ll get no argument from me. But since you already know the endings anyway, you might as well rent “Snatch” or “Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels” instead.

The Pirates! Band of Misfits

This 3D stop-motion film from the creators of “Wallace and Gromit” and “Chicken Run,” has received widespread critical acclaim. The Hollywood Reporter calls it “a delightful romp whose varied pleasures should please kids all along the age spectrum.”

“The Pirates!” stars Hugh Grant as the Pirate Captain, “a dreamer with grand notions, a blustering optimism and a deficient skills set,” who could be Wallace’s ancestor. The Captain yearns to win the coveted Pirate of the Year award, but always loses out to rivals like Black Bellamy (Jeremy Piven) and Cutlass Liz (Salma Hayek).

The Captain’s rag-tag crew includes a number of faces (or voices) familiar to those partial to British television. There’s Martin Freeman, who’s been cast as Bilbo Baggins in the upcoming adaptation of “The Hobbit” and played Tim in the UK version of “The Office,” and Ashley Jensen, Ricky Gervais‘ co-star in “Extras.” Along the way, the group enlists the help of Charles Darwin, played by David Tennant, best known for his role as the tenth doctor in the BBC’s “Doctor Who.”

The film was released a month ago in the UK, albeit with a different title: “The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists,” which is also the title of the book the film is based upon. Strangely and sadly enough, Sony Pictures felt the need to alter the title for the American release, because God forbid science or gasp evolution, be considered fun. Think of the children!

The Five-Year Engagement

It’s hard to go wrong when Judd Apatow’s name follows “produced by.” Take that home, throw in a screenplay by Jason Segel and Nicholas Stoller, add some Chris Pratt and Alison Brie, baby you got a stew going!

Along with writing the film, Segel and Stoller, who’ve previously teamed up for “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” and “The Muppets,” starred in and directed “The Five-Year Engagement,” respectively.

Segel plays chef Tom Solomon, who proposes to his girlfriend Violet (Emily Blunt) after a year of dating. A wrench gets thrown in their plans when Violet gets a job at the University of Michigan, delaying the wedding by two years. Of course, this is the five-year engagement, so ultimately that time gets extended further.

Segel and Blunt are well supported by Pratt, best known as Andy in “Parks and Recreation,” who plays Tom’s best friend, and Brie, of “Community” and “Mad Men” fame, as Violet’s younger sister.

All this sounds fantastic, but the critical consensus is that “The Five-Year Engagement” is good but not great. While the film has its moments, it’s far from the best work of its relatively star-studded cast and crew, and it runs a bit long. As Bullz-Eye’s Jason Zingale put it:

Beginning where most romantic comedies usually end, you can’t fault “The Five-Year Engagement” for trying to deliver a fresh take on the genre, but although it boasts some really funny moments, like most Judd Apatow productions, the movie doesn’t know when enough is enough. The ensemble cast saves it from being a total disappointment, but the film definitely isn’t as good as it should have been.

Much like a stew, “The Five-Year Engagement” seems like it’s made up of leftovers. It’s not greater than the sum of its parts. Zingale says “Stoller and Segel appear so dead set on including every single one of their ideas that it drains the movie of some of its charm… ‘The Five-Year Engagement’ does just enough to keep audiences entertained, but with the talent involved, you’d expect better.”

That said, while “The Five-Year Engagement” may be average relative to some of its cast and crew’s previous work, Apatow, Segel, and the rest remain among the comedic juggernauts of our time, so even their middling productions are well worth the price of admission.

*  I suppose the big news today is that it really appears as if there’s already an Edward Norton replacement after his departure as the Hulk from “The Avengers” was egregiously mishandled by Marvel’s Kevin Feige. The choice appears to not be Joaquin Phoenix but the first-rate, not nearly famous enough Mark Ruffalo. He is the deceptively low-key actor I’ve been rooting for since catching him in “You Can Count On Me” back in 2000. (It was my favorite movie of that year and also made me a life-long fan of Laura Linney.) Ruffalo is currently in the year’s probable indie-smash, “The Kids Are Alright.” As sussed out from various reports by Kevin Jagernauth of the Playlist, it appears he’s still in some pretty serious negotiations that are not yet really anything like a done deal. He’s a shrewd choice for Marvel and this would be a good way to salvage a thoroughly unfortunate situation.

* Joaquin Phoenix might not be the Hulk, but the probable mockumentary (or not) about him made by his brother-in-law, Casey Affleck, has been picked up by Magnolia. I’m not looking forward to the already infamous “Cleveland steamer” scene. Just FYI, much as I admire John Waters, “Pink Flamingos” is on my short “never see” list, but that infamous final scene is a lot worse, I suppose. I get ill just thinking about it.

* The fascinating outlandish career of arthouse poet turned stoner-action-comedy specialist David Gordon Green may take another fascinating turn if he really does remake Dario Argento’s “Suspiria” — which, I somehow managed to sit through some fifteen years or so back despite my squeamish/scaredy cat ways, because, among other reasons, it’s so freaking beautiful. Also, I’ve always had the hots for Jessica Harper.

* If you want to know who the best, most essential, and most thoughtfully cinephilish bloggers and blogs are, check out the terrific blogroll from the Film Society of Lincoln Center. Congrats to my old bloggy compadres Dennis Cozzalio, Kimberly Lindbergs, Farran Smith Nehme, and Greg Ferrera, among others, for making the prestigious list.

* Nathaniel Rogers didn’t get a mention, though he certainly deserves it. The openly actresexual blogger did, however, get a very nice interview with his idol, Julianne Moore, who I kind of idolize myself. More congratulations are in order.

* I suspect that those old Steve Reeves Hercules movies will wind up being a lot more watchable than whatever Brett Ratner makes of the mythical strongman. I’m sure he can’t top the Disney animated film, even if it wasn’t the greatest of the studio’s nineties animation output. Cue the “do you like to watch gladiator movies”  jokes.

* If you’re wondering why the post two posts below this one has no video, here’s why. Somebody let me know if there’s a new version up, since the whole thing is a bit of a legalish technicality.

* Note to my friend, Zayne: Yeah, I missed this reconstruction of a lost ultra-obscure exploitation gangster film tonight about kidnapping the Pope (and asking for a $1.00 from every Catholic in the world — though  these days I doubt they’d pony up). I’m therefore bummed.

* Alison Nastasi has an interesting response to a fairly thoughtful rant by Dustin Rowles on the controversy around the new cover art for the remake of another film on my probably never-see list, “I Spit On Your Grave.” The poster is obviously in horrible taste, but isn’t that kind of the point?

* Now that a fourth tape is out, I wonder if Mel Gibson will get the message and give up the drunk dialing.

* I’m confused. If the planned film with Jeremy Piven and Thomas Jane is in any way actually closely modeled on John Cassavettes’ “Husbands,'” as director Mark Pellington seems to say, then I don’t think it should be called a “thriller.”

I might be a liberal native Californian, but I’m no vegan and no fan of the animal rights absolutists at PETA. On the other hand, I make an exception when it comes to eating or capturing animals that might be self-aware. “The Cove,” from National Geographic photographer and first-time director Louie Psihoyos, exposes a crime that is arguably the moral equivalent of genocide, but that’s only the beginning. This likely documentary Oscar nominee chronicles the efforts of a diverse group of activists, including onetime “Flipper” trainer Rick O’Barry, to videotape the secret mass killing of dolphins by Japanese fishing interests. Much has been made of the “caper” aspects of “The Cove” in chronicling how the footage was illegally obtained. It’s strengths, however, lie in the clear line it draws between the slaughter of animals who might be our intellectual equals — there but for the lack of an opposable thumb go we — and the ecological horror behind it. The dolphins are not being killed primarily for their meat, which is so mercury laden you’d be far better off consuming Jeremy Piven, but was nevertheless criminally forced on local schoolchildren. The true motive for the crime turns out to be to eliminate a competitor for the dwindling supplies of seafood, a key source of our increasingly hungry world’s supply of protein. Despite all this, the dolphin is not yet an official endangered species, but then, neither are we.

Click to buy “The Cove”

You know that a movie isn’t very good when the studio comes running to you with an interview opportunity after opening weekend (speaking of which, check out Will Harris’ chat with producer Adam McKay), but although “The Goods” may not be very funny, it’s still a better-than-expected comedy thanks to its ensemble cast. Jeremy Piven stars as Don Ready, a smooth-talking car salesman who’s made a living by conning his way to the next big sale. But when his traveling team of liquidating specialists (including Ving Rhames, David Koechner and Kathryn Hahn) is hired to save a flailing dealership by selling every car on the lot, Don discovers that the job might be too big even for him. Though the idea is ripe for some pretty funny material, the story feels a little too safe compared to the crude humor that appears throughout. Thankfully, director Neal Brennan is completely unforgiving of the film’s vulgar tone, and it ends up working to its benefit. Piven’s confident, fast-talking schtick is tailor-made for the lead role, but it’s character actors likes Ken Jeong, Rob Riggle (playing a 10-year-old boy with a pituitary disorder), and Craig Robinson who end up stealing the show. “The Goods” isn’t for everyone, but for fans of the comedians involved, it’s probably worth checking out.

Click to buy “The Goods”

After five seasons, “Entourage” finally lived up to its name this fall. While E, Turtle and Drama each enjoyed meatier storylines than normal this season, Vince’s role in the proceedings essentially amounted to an imaginary stalker and a random fuck scene of the week. But Vince’s marginalized contributions led to one of the strongest seasons of “Entourage” in a long time, culminating in one hell of a finale tonight.

Let’s hit the main arcs from least to most interesting, beginning with the saga of Turtle and Jamie-Lynn. I recently wrote in a comment on a different episode that Turtle’s UCLA co-ed was hotter than Jamie-Lynn, and I saw nothing tonight to make me alter that stance. I mean…good, GOD. And while it was nice to see Turtle resist her advances in the name of true love, I’m fairly confident that scene would have played out far differently in real life. Girls like that don’t get turned down that often, not by guys like Turtle, and especially not when they’re wearing outfits like that. I found it hilarious that they didn’t even bother to completely shut the vertical blinds in the room, but the topper was when Turtle offered his condolences for leaving after getting her worked up by asking, “You want me to go down on you or something?” Hey, Turtle is nothing if not generous. He’s also single now, after getting dumped right before his plane to New Zealand took off. May as well hop on over to Rome then, right?

I’ll lump Drama and Vince together here, if only because Vince’s auxiliary storyline couldn’t carry a paragraph by itself. Who would’ve thought that Turtle of all people would inspire Drama to figure out what’s truly important to him? You knew he wasn’t going to give up acting for good, but would he change his mind before the credits rolled tonight? Would it be too late? Turns out he killed at his “Melrose Place” audition but the network wants to go younger with the cast. I’ve got to say that the thought of building a show around Drama makes me chuckle. I just hope we get to see some of it next season. Of course, even better is that now Drama is free to go to Italy with Vince. Ah, but not before Matt Damon and his buddy LeBron James (um…what was with the glasses, LBJ?) railroad Vince into giving a bunch of hungry children $150,000. Actually, there were three great cameos tonight, if you include Bono showing up on Damon’s laptop. There were several classic lines in tonight’s episode, but one of the finest was when Damon bullied Drama into handing the phone to Vince. “Sorry, he Jason Bourne’d me,” Drama explained to Vince. Sounds reasonable to me.

I was tempted to rank Drama ahead of E but that would be underestimating just how shocked I was when E proposed to Sloan. In hindsight, maybe I should have expected it – I mean, what was so special about a lunch date at a restaurant the two of them used to go to? – but right up until E mentioned making a commitment to Sloan, I was oblivious. It was actually a pretty cool scene, capped by Sloan’s very believable reaction to the proposal. I feel almost embarrassed about the fact that I thought it was even remotely possible that they’d leave us hanging on Sloan’s answer until next season. I can’t remember an “Entourage” finale that didn’t have all the loose threads sewn up by the end of the episode, and tonight was certainly no different.

It’s not exactly a great sign that Sloan already tested E with that trick at the airport, and lord knows these two haven’t exactly had the most stable relationship over the years, but I’m thinking the engagement sticks and they’ll go through with the wedding next season. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the wedding is part of a series finale next season. E’s career is undoubtedly on the upswing and he’s now on the verge of having the family he’s wanted for a while; Drama is having a show made just for him; Turtle’s going back to school and is on one hell of a roll after landing Meadow Soprano and the insanely hot UCLA chick; and Vince once again is living the good life after avoiding last season’s career implosion. Could next season be the swan song for “Entourage”? At least on the surface, things seem to be advancing toward the show’s Happily Ever After.

Of course, without question, that also includes Ari and his recent business opportunity. There’s a chance I could find an episode or three through the show’s first five seasons to rival Jeremy Piven’s performance tonight – the guy has three Emmy Awards for a reason – but they’d have to be damn good to top this one. It started in the counseling session with the always lovely Mrs. Ari when he finally admitted that he wanted to destroy Terence, Adam Davies and Lloyd with an absolute classic Ari rant, highlighted by this gem: “And I would sell that Benedict Arnold, Adam Davies, into white slavery if we lived in a place that had a market for it.” But he sealed the deal and convinced his wife to cough up the cash needed to secure his loan by saying, “Please, support me like you always have, and I will deliver for us like I always have.”

So with his loan locked up, Ari arrives to finalize his purchase only to find that Terence is now insisting that his agency retains its name after the sale, a request Ari doesn’t seem all that fond of when he storms out of the meeting shouting obscenities and saying the deal is off. Fortunately, Terence comes to see Ari at his office, which leads to a memorable teacher-pupil moment that not only once more shows us just how human Ari is underneath all of his bluster (the guy just wanted an apology) but also ushered in perhaps the episode’s finest moment when Ari issues his own apology to Lloyd before showing him his new office as a Miller-Gold agent. The feud between Ari and Lloyd was one of the season’s better storylines but I doubt it was anything that anyone really would have enjoyed to see stretched out for too long.

Of course, there’s no way I can wrap this up without mentioning Ari’s awesome paintball rampage and merciless firing of what he viewed as the dead weight in his new agency. “I represent ‘Jon & Kate Plus 8’!” Did that poor guy actually think that would save his ass? And did Adam Davies actually think Ari would show him mercy? Please. He forgave Terence but Davies wasn’t getting off that easily.

With the bow put on another season of “Entourage,” it’s only fitting to close with the question that closed the episode: Which one of the guys will be the next one to get married, now that E is on his way? Let’s hope nobody is next, if only because one married guy in the group would be more than enough. But that didn’t exactly seem like a throwaway exchange between Drama and Vince, so I wonder what might be in store for us next season. We’ve got plenty of time to ponder that now.