Now, I’ll be the first to admit that, were it a contest to see who got the best pull quotes out of Joan, Joel Keller of TV Squad – who preceded me in speaking with her – would have taken the victory (she hadn’t been aware that David Tutera was scheduled to have his own TCA panel, but when he brought it up, she let fly with her thoughts on him in her usual forthright manner), but I still managed to get a couple of good lines from Ms. Rivers about “Z Rock,” “The Celebrity Apprentice,” and “Rabbit Test,” and the closing moments of our conversation will live in my memory forever.

Bullz-Eye: It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Joan Rivers: And it’s a pleasure to…well, we’ll see.

BE: (Laughs) I’ve got only got a couple of minutes, but I’ll do my best.

JR: Ask whatever you want.

BE: You were talking earlier about your continued relevancy, and I just wanted to say that I’m a big fan of your work on “Z Rock.”

JR: I love “Z Rock.” Love “Z Rock”.

BE: How did that gig come about? How were you pitched the show?

JR: They sent me the pilot. Did you ever see the pilot?

BE: Yes.

JR: Can’t get funnier. “Stick a Statue of Liberty up your ass.” I mean, I laughed out loud. They said, “Would you do an episode?” I said, “I want to be on it.” I asked them, literally, and that’s how it started. Every time I’m in town and they’re in town and we get together, they put me on. I love the boys; I think Lynne is a genius. And, of course, I can’t remember the other comedian who is so brilliant on it, but…you know, the one that plays the gay…

BE: Oh, right, the bar owner. (Writer’s note: the comedian’s name is Big Jay Oakerson.)

JR: Oh he’s so good. He’s so good. It’s just a joy to work with them. And it’s improvisation. I come out of Second City, you know.

BE: So when you did “The Celebrity Apprentice,” was it always going to be you and Melissa, or did they approach you first? Or even her first?

JR: They approached us separately, but somebody was very smart. There was no mother/daughter team that really works. I think it was the smartest thing they did. I think it brought such another color to the show. The mother/daughter dynamic was obviously one of the high points of the show.

BE: Well, my wife was cheering you on the entire way.

JR: Isn’t that nice?

BE: Yeah, I was in the other room working, and she’s yelling, “You’ve got to come watch. Joan’s got to win! If she doesn’t win, I’m going to need some help!”

JR: (Laughs) Oh, that’s so great. That’s so great.

BE: Was there ever any point where you thought you might not win?

JR: All the time. I did not know, and…no one believes this, but we sat down (during the finale), and I still did not know. I thought he was going to say, “Joan, you’re very good, but you’re too emotional. And Annie (Duke) plays it tough and that’s what business is all about.” But it’s not what business is all about anymore. After Bernie Madoff, no. You play honorably. It’s not lie and cheat and steal to get your way. It’s get it right or don’t get it. So I truly didn’t think I was going to win. And she thought…she stood up. Go watch it. He goes, “Annie,” and she stood up…and then he goes, “Sorry.” It looked like she had osteoporosis. She shrunk.

BE: Joel (Keller from TV Squad) brought up your appearance in PBS’s“Make ‘Em Laugh” special a minute ago.

JR: Yeah.

BE: Did you see the entire special?

JR: I just watched parts of it. You know what the best part of that was? W.C. Fields. He can still make you laugh. And Fanny Brice can still make you laugh. When they’re good, they’re good. I love watching the ones to see why they were great.

BE: Is there any comedian who you would consider one of your peers, who didn’t make it as big as you always thought they should have?

JR: Yeah, there are a couple that didn’t make it as big as I thought they should. David Brenner, I think, should be further along, because his mind is a great mind. There’s a girl named Lynne Kop…uh, from…I’m very bad on names, but from “Z Rock.” Lynne….

BE: Oh, right, Lynne Koplitz.

JR: Right. She is so ready, you know, like a full bloom. And she’s not getting that recognition, and it kills me. If I had a late night show, she would be on it so fast. Yeah, I think she deserves recognition. Lily Tomlin, I think, she went into movies. She took a different turn. I think she was one of the incandescently wonderful on stage.

BE: How do you look back at “Rabbit Test,” which you wrote and directed in 1978?

JR: It’s funny. I think we got a very short shrift. You look at “Borat” and you look at “Brüno” and go look at “Rabbit Test.” It’s just as silly and funny. And the critics…we had one of the mothers in the film, she was having gas, but she took the meal, she wanted to be nice. So she sprayed it with Lysol, and then brought it out. Every critic said. “This is disgusting, this is terrible.” We were too soon. Too soon.

BE: Do you have any idea if it will ever see the light of day on DVD?

JR: Um, probably…not.

Joan’s assistant: Everybody asks that question.

JR: That, and “The Girl Most Likely To…” (which Rivers wrote) is another one that got lost in the shuffle.

BE: Well, it seems like if it does come out, you’d be ready to do the DVD special features.

JR: Oh, you’re damned right. You’re damned right.

BE: And last one, since I know I need to wrap it up: have you ever found it hard to be able to keep your risqué edge in standup, being a female comedian?

JR: Not now. The only good thing about…I said this before, but the only good thing about age is that I get out there and I say I’m working better than I ever worked. That started about seven years ago in Edinburgh. I just said, ‘Oh, what, am I going to censor myself?” I’ve been fired, I’ve been broke, I’ve been bankrupt, I’ve had to go to court to get my name back, I’ve been publicly humiliated. Screw all you. Now I’m going to tell you what I really think about Jennifer Aniston, that little miss boo-hoo. So, no, I don’t censor myself at all now.

BE: Actually, when I was watching your panel, I changed my Facebook status to read, “Joan Rivers is on stage. She has dropped at least seven f-bombs in the last 60 seconds. She is awesome.”

JR: Oh, that’s very sweet. But, you know, fuck is in the vernacular now. It was good enough for Shakespeare. When Jane Fonda can say “cunt,” it’s over. It’s done.

BE: Well, thank you very much, Joan.

JR: You said you’ve got a wife…? Where is your wife? Where is home?

BE: Home is Virginia, and wife will actually be arriving any minute. In fact, I should be getting a phone call from her any time now, saying that she’s at the airport.

JR: Great. Are you going upstairs to your room or staying down here?

BE: I am going to go check out the next panel, whatever it may be.

JR: Oh, I was going to send that to your wife. (Gestures to a rose in a vase, sitting on a nearby table)

BE: Well, I won’t refuse that.

JR: Want to run it up to your room?

BE: Sure.

JR: Run that right up to your room. Trust me, you’ll get lucky tonight.

BE: (Laughs) Thank you, Joan.

JR: Oh, sure.

Remember FUN? from Mitchell Squires on Vimeo.

The show’s host…? Joan Rivers. And, boy, does that woman know how to liven up a TCA panel.

“I don’t know about any of you,” she began, “but, you know, you walk down a street and somebody goes past you in a Maserati or a Lamborghini or whatever those stupid cars are, and you go, ‘How did they get so fucking rich?’ Our show is ringing the doorbells, walking in, and talking to nouveau riche people…and it is so great because they will answer you. They are stupid enough to tell you where their money came from. No ‘oh, well, I don’t think I should talk about it.’ No, it’s, ‘Oh, yes. It’s $4 million, and my husband made it in drugs.’ Our follow-up show is ‘How’d You Get So Fuckin Poor?’ That’ll be hosted by the Madoffs. And everyone will say the same thing: ‘Because of you!'”

But, seriously, folks, you can tell that she really does love the show…not that it stops her from making fun of some of the individuals who are spotlighted on it, or from coming right out and saying that some of the inventions that these people have gotten rich from are so dumb / obvious that they’ll make you want to kill yourself.

“One of them I love is Hoffman,” she said. “You know how you blow bubbles, and it makes a bubble? This guy made one that makes five bubbles. You understand? Big fucking deal, right? He lives next door to Barbra Streisand. Do you understand? His dog has…and I’m not making a lie, we have it in one of the episodes…a psychiatrist. He has a woman come in, and…you can’t laugh because you’re filming, you know. You’re, like, ‘Hmm, this looks interesting.’ And she’s making the dog feel relaxed. How much more relaxed can you be? You can lick your balls! I mean, I don’t know what more you want!

“It’s the most wonderful, amazing show because what we’re doing…it’s aspirational. You have an idea and you believe in the idea, and if it’s a good idea…I mean, they all work like dogs. There’s not one person that said, ‘9:00 to 5:00 is my deal.’ Every one that made it worked very, very hard. The Slanket guy…you know, the blanket you put your hands through? He’s 27 years old. $74 million he made on the stupid Slanket, which he made as a joke. He gave it to an uncle he didn’t like for Christmas because he thought it would be very funny, and the uncle called him up and said, ‘Can you get me five more?’ Something went, ‘Bingo,’ and he started making them. But he works without a stop. All of them work without a stop. It’s so amazing: you can make it on things that you’re doing at home now. Take a good look when you go home, because maybe that’s your ticket.”

Okay, now that you’ve got an idea about the show, let’s fill out the rest of this post with the off-color laughs Joan provided, shall we?

* “I must have washed lepers’ feet in a previous life. I am doing what I love. From the time I could put two words together, I wanted to be in this business, and I’m still in this business at 197…? And I’m still relevant…? And I fill rooms of college kids…? I’m not working hard. I’m playing every day, but, oh, yeah, really, it’s tough to go out in the street, makeup, hair, pretty clothes, and asking people questions. And getting a check at the end…? That’s not bad. That’s better than Auschwitz.”

* “The basic thing underneath (‘How’d You Get So Rich?’) is the old thing, ‘If they can do it, I can do it.’ That’s what this show is about. And it’s the old American way, isn’t it? No one built log cabins for them…because they weren’t Jews. They went themselves and cut down the trees. I would be saying, ‘Where is the tree cutter? Over there, please.'”

* On her ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ competition: “Annie ‘Douche.’ I didn’t like her. I wouldn’t have liked her if she played fucking bingo. It had nothing to do with poker.”

* On Jay Leno’s new show: “I think it’s brilliant that they put Leno at 10:00 now because Americans get bored more easily and go to sleep earlier, and that’s all I have to say about that. When was the last time you said, ‘Did you hear what Leno said last night?’ Never. So it’s nice for the Midwest because the crops will be greener.”