But I know, you’re wondering, “Why 13 quotes?” It’s a weird number, so it’s a valid question. Originally, it was going to be 15 quotes, but for reasons unknown to me, we have yet to receive a transcription from our trip to the “Parks & Recreation” set, which contained at least two more solid quotes. Oh, well.

1. “I’ve said it before and I sincerely mean it, in the modern landscape of television there is only a few ways to stay on TV, and one of them is to be, you know, lucky as shit and have a huge giant hit, and everybody in the world watches you, and the other is to cultivate a loyal and hopefully intelligent audience that follows you around, and that is in no great part due to people that champion the show if they like it. First and foremost, I wanted to say that for those of you that don’t like the show, fuck you guys. But those of you who have really taken the time to champion the show and write about it and say nice things, I’m grateful. It’s not just for ego reasons, in this day and age it really means something.” – Bill Lawrence, “Cougar Town” (ABC)

2. “On April Fools’, I was talking to Usher, and I said, ‘You have three kids.’ He said, ‘No, I don’t.’ I said, ‘Yeah.’ He goes, ‘No, I don’t. Don’t you have research people that tell you?’ I mean, and he looks at the audience, and he says, ‘You would think that a host would do his research and know facts about a guest before he asks a question.’ And then he said, ‘April Fool’s.’ He got me, yeah.” – George Lopez, “Lopez Tonight” (TBS)

3. “I’ve never considered myself particularly interested in media. I mean, I’m someone who likes to come in and do my job, and then I like to go home and play with my kids. I wasn’t used to being a media story. It was never a goal of mine. So the strangest thing about immediately after the (end of ‘The Tonight Show’) was my wife decided the next morning, early on, we should just drive up to Santa Barbara and check into a hotel and decompress for three days because she thought this guy needs to decompress. He needs to. So we got up really early in the morning. We got in our car, and we pulled out of our house, and two cars followed right in behind us and followed us all the way to Santa Barbara and then just hung outside the hotel for three days. And, you know, I’m not Brad Pitt. I’m not George Clooney. You know, I’ve been blessed with their DNA, but I just thought, ‘Who are they following?’ So that was weird.

“And there were a lot of highs. I walked into a restaurant that day, and everybody in the restaurant applauded. And I thought, ‘Well, that’s nice. This is weird. And, also, this isn’t a living. I don’t see how to do this as a job, walk around and get applauded in restaurants.’ So there was an initial sort of high, but then I went back to my house, and we had a lot of stuff to figure out. And one of the first things I did was…you know, this show and these shows have been the organizing principle of my life for such a long time that I thought, ‘I’ve got to call my assistant and get to work.’ So I called my assistant, Sona, and I said, ‘We should get together and go over all of the things we need to do.’ And she said, ‘Okay. Where?’ And my wife wanted me out of the house, and so I said, ‘Okay,’ and we decided to meet at a Marie Callender’s pie restaurant.

“I’m not kidding. I hosted ‘The Tonight Show.’ I think the last show was a Friday. I hosted that ‘Tonight Show’ on a Friday, and on Monday, I’m in a Marie Callender’s pie restaurant, and my assistant has a laptop, and we are sitting there. And there’s two other customers in the place, you know, stabbing at a pie at 11:00 in the morning, and this was now my new headquarters. And I pass this Marie Callender’s a lot, and I think about that shocking…I mean, it was just the juxtaposition of these insane images of ‘Tonight Show,’ iconic, Marie Callender’s restaurant, meeting / office. This is where I work now. And that kind of summed up the madness, I think, a little bit of that time.” – Conan O’Brien, “Conan” (TBS)

4. “I think the expectation that women be attractive as well as funny has just always been there. We even need attractive news anchors who are telling us about death and destruction and they still need to be pretty. I don’t know why it is. Some sociobiological level. We need to look at females and think, ‘I would hit that.’ I think that the gentlemen may need it.” – Julie Bowen, “Modern Family” (ABC)

5. “The guy is usually like the star of (sitcoms). The show is usually built around the guy and (you) sort of feel like…you know, even from Jackie Gleason on, his wife on the show, Audrey Meadows, was very beautiful, but she was sort of his foil. She’s sort of his straight man. And that’s usually the role of the woman in the traditional sitcom or comedy thing: the woman is there to have the guy bounce the comedy off of. She’s there to make him look like an ass. In a good way that makes us laugh.” – Martha Plimpton, “Raising Hope” (Fox)

6. “Especially in late night, people focus on female writers, and I will say that from my perspective, when we started the show, we got about 120 submissions from writers to be part of the show, and of those 120, two of them were women, and we hired one of those two women. So there just aren’t as many women female writers. They’re just really aren’t as many and you don’t want to get in a situation where you’re hiring people just because of whether they have a penis and/or vagina or not.” – Jimmy Kimmel

7. “Everybody is asking about not playing the girlfriend roles. I have played the girlfriend roles for years and the finger-shaker and the one that’s like, ‘Oh, fill-in-the-blank comedian, when you’re done with your crazy little adventure,’ and I find it a relief to finally get to play a mom. It’s like, ‘Wait, so you like something about me other than you might want to bang me?’ I mean, I want to get old in this business – and by ‘old,’ I mean real old, like, saggy old and the face old and real things drooping down into my socks old – and there’s a handful of women who have done it. Betty White. Cloris Leachman. I’m sure you can name many more, but very few women. And it’s a terrible river to cross when you’re crossing it because you’re not sure if you’re going to get to the other side. So finally playing a mother of teenagers makes me feel like I’ve got a shot. They like something about me other than prospective bangability.” – Julie Bowen, “Modern Family” (ABC)

8. “I was talking to a guest last night about the idea (how) on talk shows now you have to be funny. It doesn’t matter. You could bring Dr. Kevorkian out there. It’s like, ‘All right, what anecdotes does he have to share with us?’ And I think it’s because it’s going to go off that path every once in a while, but really I think for the comfort of the guest, it’s nice to have an area you know you can go to to be funny and some people are better at it. Some of these stories, it’s like doing a little sketch with somebody and you’re pretending you don’t know the story. You’re like, ‘Really? Wow, you went to Africa, tell me about that,’ and it’s bullshit.” – Jimmy Kimmel

9. “A ‘Buffy’ movie without Joss (Whedon)…? I would crap on that.” – Alyson Hannigan, “How I Met Your Mother” (CBS)

10. Neil Patrick Harris: We film (‘How I Met Your Mother’) like it’s a big multi‑camera show, and yet there’s no audience there. You have to do this like quasi‑heightened reality as if there’s people laughing audibly at your jokes. It changes, kind of, the tempo of what it is we do. It’s a unique sort of weird hybrid style.
Jason Segel: Because there’s no audience, so you have to hold for a laugh that’s not there. You get to guess how funny your joke is. ‘I’m going to give this one four seconds.’ And then you see the episode, and then there’s, like, the canned laughter for three seconds, and then three second of silence. We’re all just sitting there.
Neil Patrick Harris: I think I’m going to start opening the door and then waiting for entrance applause. Start my line and then hold. Say the line, look out, finish the line.

– Neil Patrick Harris and Jason Segel, “How I Met Your Mother” (CBS)

11. “I think there is something about dark-haired women with deep voices of ambiguous sexuality that plays into dramatic programming.” – Janeane Garafalo, “Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior” (CBS)

12. “I personally think that (my character and I) dress completely differently. You might disagree. I think that we do. I can tell you that I have found some really cool dresses that I have gone to walk out the door and gone, ‘Uh-uh. I look like Penelope. I’ve got to go back upstairs and change,’ because she dresses really good. They borrowed in terms of…like, I think we both let our freak flags fly. I like dressing how I like to dress, and I look like a little art statement. And I think she likes to dress like that, but I think she makes her own art statement, and I have a glam squad that definitely does that. I think the part that they borrowed from is, like, ‘Oh, she can pull this off because, in real life, she dresses like a seven-year-old pirate from space.'” – Kristen Vangsness, “Criminal Minds” and “Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior” (CBS)

13. “I love getting to know actors, and Kevin (Biegel) does, too, and seeing what their real personalities are like and stealing from them. And one of the first things that I noticed when I met Courteney Cox is she pours herself a healthy glass of wine. She pours herself like the type that you could do wrist curls with. What did our prop guy say you could fit in (Jules’s glass) officially? A bottle-and-a-half of wine per glass. And she drinks maybe five or six in one show.” – Bill Lawrence, “Cougar Town” (ABC)

Originally broadcast on Comedy Central in February of this year, this one-hour show features over a dozen comics paying heartfelt tribute to one of the true comedy greats, with footage of Kinison routines both well-known and previously unreleased serving as the anchors to the topics that the comics discuss. There isn’t much here about Kinison’s life that hasn’t been covered before, but it’s still fun to watch guys like Denis Leary, Chris Rock and Ron White talk about Kinison’s influence while opening up about the differences between his on-stage persona and the off-stage teddy bear. The discuss his love of rock music (and even include the promo video and a live performance of “Wild Thing”), and how he brought the rock and comedy communities together, and even include a snippet of a religious sermon Kinison gave when he was still a preacher. The one thing they glossed over – and to be honest, we’re not at all surprised that they did this – was how much the quality of Kinison’s material dropped when the ’80s were over, when he stopped writing jokes and started screaming “Fuck You!” at the top of his lungs. It’s all right to acknowledge an artist’s decline and still love them; John Lennon was a shell of his former songwriting self when he died, but people still love him, and rightly so. It would have been nice to see these comics, and this special, do the same.

Click to buy “A Tribute to Sam Kinison”
Click to read Bullz-Eye’s induction of Kinison into their Comedy Hall of Fame
Click to read Bullz-Eye’s 2009 interview with Sam Kinison’s brother Bill Kinison

They’ve done this before, right? On “Idol Gives Back” night, they say they are going to eliminate a contestant and then they say they can’t on a charity night, and eliminate two contestants the following week. But not last night. Last night after a heartwarming (and I’m sorry, most of the time, DRAGGING) 2.5 hour show, Ryan Seacrest announced that one of the contestants was going home…..in effect, they were “giving one contestant back,” right? At least that’s how I was looking at it.

Anyway, before we get to the results, here is a blazing fast summary of guest appearances and funny moments…

The Top 12 finalists sang some pre-recorded cheese-fest decked out in all white clothes….Jennifer Garner and Sully Sullenberger, the pilot who landed his plane on the Hudson River, gave inspiration and hope and asked us to donate money to needy families everywhere….Queen Latifah co-hosted the show from a remote location and the first act there were the Black Eyed Peas and their new single, “Rock That Body,” which was positively a horrible song….George Lopez did some “rating the judges” schtick that was mildly amusing.

Then the results began. Crystal Bowersox, safe. Casey James, Bottom 3. No huge surprise. Aaron Kelly and Lee Dewyze….Lee, safe, Aaron, Bottom 3. No huge surprise there either.

Next up…Jeff Beck and Joss Stone…the former an aging rocker who doesn’t look like he’s aged in 30 years and a young Canadian white girl who sounds like Aretha Franklin….that was awesome….Then Alicia Keys, this week’s mentor, performed and didn’t sound good at all….at least not by her standards…..then Carrie Underwood performed and to be honest, at this point we were fast forwarding through stuff we didn’t want to watch! After that Wanda Sykes did a stand up routine and was really really funny. My favorite part was how she made fun of the way they eliminate each contestant by showing them their “journey” at one of the lowest moments in their lives.

Back to results. Mike Lynche, Tim Urban and Siobhan Magnus are left. Siobhan, safe. Mike, safe, again. Tim, Bottom 3. So the Bottom 3 was Casey, Aaron and Tim. No huge surprises again.

Then came a really, really, really long performance by Annie Lennox. Oh, and David Cook traveled to Africa and they showed that visit and he joined Seacrest for a few minutes on stage. After that was the all-star jam of “Stairway To Heaven” with Mary J. Blige on vocals and the likes of one Randy Jackson on bass and Travis Barker on drums and Orianthi on guitar. Holy crap, not only was it a nice job of not making the song sound old and tired, but Mary J. just rocked it out. I might even buy their version today. Finally, Elton John performed before it was all about the results……

Aaron Kelly, safe. Down to Casey and Tim. Tim Urban, you are going home. Finally. After hanging on for dear life the last few weeks, and even having a feature in USA Today this past week, ol’ Tim gave such a horrific performance Tuesday that America had no choice but to send him home. And hey, no charity this week for Tim….they really did send him home on “Idol Gives Back” night!

So here are my power rankings for your Top 6:
1. Crystal Bowersox
2. Lee Dewyze
3. Siobhan Magnus
4. Michael Lynche
5. Casey James
6. Aaron Kelly

What do you think? See you all next week, we’re getting closer and closer to the big finale!

P.S. and yes, despite my snarky blogs, I do intend to donate money to the cause.

Here’s the story, straight from TBS:

Comedy icon Conan O’Brien is joining TBS to host a late-night talk show that is expected to debut in November. The Emmy-winning comedian’s new program will be followed by “Lopez Tonight,” which will shift to a midnight time slot.

“For decades, late-night TV has been dominated by broadcast television,” Koonin said. “Now, with a young audience and a growing late-night lineup, TBS is set to be the choice of comedy fans for years to come.”

So what are your thoughts on Conan’s move to TBS? From my perspective, it was becoming increasingly clear that Fox was never going to successfully clear the hurdles set by their affiliates, and even if they had, they probably wouldn’t have been nearly as tolerant of fluctuating ratings – huge numbers upon his return, a probable big drop immediately thereafter, then middling out as people figure out which host they want to watch regularly – as TBS almost certainly will be. TBS can afford to let Conan build a presence on their network, whereas Fox…well, I think we all know how forgiving Fox is with their low-rated series.

With “Avatar” holding remarkably well last weekend to the tune of over $50 million, there’s every reason to expect another very strong performance over the coming Martin Luther King Day holiday. Still, along with the holiday, this is also the first weekend since Christmas where James Cameron‘s science-fiction adventure is facing some new decent genre competition.

That comes via “The Book of Eli,” another “Mad Max”-esque post-apocalyptic neo-western, this time starring Denzel Washington and featuring a bit of a religious element. The Warner Brothers film is getting mixed reviews and only rated 45% on the Tomatometer. Beneath the surface, however, I’m sensing that the film actually provides a bit of fun and while star power hasn’t been good for much lately at the box office, my hunch is the combination of a tried-and-true action-flick premise and this particular star is just strong enough to be reasonably potent here.

Directed by the Hughes Brothers who, rather unbelievably, haven’t released a theatrical film since 2001’s  fairly decent “From Hell” disappointed at the box office, “Eli” is expected to earn about $30-40 million. Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a very close result. Jolly Carl DiOrio nevertheless fully expects an “Avatar” victory and reminds us that it would be the first five-time #1 streak since “The Sixth Sense” wowed audiences back in 1999.

The week’s other major new release is “The Spy Next Door,” a family-oriented Jackie Chan vehicle from Lionsgate that has managed the neat trick of getting eactly 0% of critics to give it a positive review at Rotten Tomatoes. Still, if parents will fork over beaucoup bucks for a certain singing group from the genus rodentia, it’s just possible they’ll take one for the family team by sitting through this possible kiddie-pleaser as well. Jolly Carl is talking about as much as $20 million for “Spy,” presumably partly because of the family appeal of costars George Lopez and Billy Ray Cyrus. As an admirer of Chan’s great Hong Kong work, I have to say that I’m sorry he feels he has to has to work with the guy who brought us “Beethoven.”

That’s it for major new releases, but Peter Jackson’s movie version of Alice Siebold’s “The Lovely Bones,” is finally going wide this week. According to Box Office Mojo, it’ll be expanding from 13 theaters into 2,563, about 500-800 fewer than the major releases I’ve discussed so far. Considering the lackluster reviews and only so-so awards showing for this theoretical piece of awards-bait so far, I wouldn’t expect anything too huge here this weekend   — though apparently younger females have been liking the film, or at least that’s who the film is being marketed to these days. In any case, a surprise Golden Globe or two at Sunday night’s show wouldn’t hurt it’s MLK day Monday. It could use a miracle or two.