Things kicked off tonight with Eric zipping into Fangtasia and, with an absolutely-warranted tinge of panic to his voice, informing Pam that he’s just staked the lover of the Vampire King of Mississippi. Nice one, sir. Immediately after blowing off Pam’s suggestion that they hide out at Sookie’s house, good ol’ Ginger strolls into the office. “Ginger, dear, where do you live?” he asks, casually. Good idea, bad timing: a battalion of V-Feds have already established a beachhead, with the dark and despicable (yet somehow still kinda hot) Ms. Flanagan glowering at Eric, thoroughly annoyed that his actions have taken her away from pursing the ratification of the Vampire Rights Amendment. After an apparently extreme search of Fangtasia’s basement which brings up nothing (“I’m a Virgo,” says Eric, “I like to be neat”), Ms. Flanagan sits down sexily and proceeds to take Eric’s formal statement, broadcasting it by webcam to the members of The Authority…which, for some reason, immediately brought to mind Springfield Republican Headquarters on “The Simpsons.”

Eric dives headlong into his back story, adding his comments about and thoughts on The King’s philosophies, including the highly contentious statement, “Fuck The Authority,” then wrapping up with a heartfelt explanation about how he wants The King’s death to be at his own hand. Ms. Flanagan isn’t buying what Eric’s selling, however, putting him and Pam on lockdown. Pam doesn’t understand why Eric’s never told her about the depths of his haunted past, but he basically says, “It’s not your problem,” instead changing subjects and telling her that it’s time for her to become a Maker. Woo-hoo! Promotion!

The King runs in to find the decidedly disgusting remains of Talbot, which he promptly smears himself with. Ew. Just…ew. Then he sees that Eric’s stolen not one but two of his most precious possessions, the other being the artifact which dates back to the King’s destruction of Eric’s family. Oh, yeah, he’s really pissed.

Sookie’s looking more than a little worse for wear after “making up” with Bill, but after a further bit of action in the shower, there’s some healing goin’ on amongst the water. You’d think it’d put a damper on her mood to walk out and find a dead werewolf corpse in the living room, but she doesn’t even flinch, instead just telling Bill “there’s an old tarp out back.” She does, however, acknowledge that moving dead bodies aren’t exactly the activities of a normal couple. Is she back to trusting him? Not until she gets more information about this secret file she’s recently learned about. Bill says it’s because he wants to know why Eric’s so interested in her, but Sookie calls the whole thing “creepy” and tells him to stop thinking of her as some precious little thing that needs to be protected. The look on his face shows that he knows where she’s coming from, but old habits die hard.

So Jesus’s Jaguar tattoo holds power over the universe? No, actually, it was just his high school mascot. Funny stuff…and, yet, it’s clear that Jesus does have a certain amount of sway over Lafayette. Ruby seems to approve of the end result of the relationship, too, what with her observation, “I’ll be damned: maybe God does love fags.” Nice.

Jason blows into Crystal’s place to try and save her from her supposedly evil fiancee, but it quickly becomes clear that there’s more to this situation than she’s been letting Jason in on. Not, of course, that he notices anything particularly amiss. When she made the comment about how “he can escape handcuffs,” I immediately thought back to John’s assumption that Crystal and her kin are werewolves. I guess that theory would still hold water, especially given that she pulls vampire blood out of his jacket. They tie him up, carry him into the woods, and Jason calls the police and, in a funny voice, tells them where to find him…but, uh, didn’t he do that on his own phone? That’s so Jason. The next day, he finds out that Deputy Kevin followed Jason’s instructions, turned up at the location, and found himself in the middle of an ambush. That’s right, you’d better look guilty, Crystal! Jason, however, tries to use the occasion to make himself look good, though he looks a little nervous when Sheriff Andy starts reeling off law enforcement acronyms. But what’s this…? Andy hasn’t sent the vampire blood off to the lab. Why is he hanging onto the stuff? Is he using?

Tara’s at Sam’s place, looking more than a little bit on edge. She’s apparently bared her soul to him (I didn’t see the episode, so I’m just guessing), and the end result has him hinting that she might want to consider therapy, an alternative which she clearly has no interest in pursuing. Before the discussion can go any further, however, Terry calls to complain about the “girl noises” coming from the apartment where Sam’s little brother is camping out. When he arrives, li’l bro Tommy is nekkid…and so is his buxom new babe, Nicole. Nice pull, Tomster. Sam plays so much of the authority figure that, after he leaves, Nicole asks Tommy, “That’s your dad?” In Sam’s absence, Tara apparently searched the ‘net to find a rape counseling group, where she finds her new co-worker, Holly. Bons Temps surely is the smallest of worlds, ain’t it? Seemed more than a little bit coincidental, and when Holly sat down to console Arlene about Tommy swiping her tips and her eyes got thin at the mention of the “evil” father of Arlene’s baby (who, based on Arlene’s comments, pretty much has to be Rene), I started to wonder what might be up with Holly. Is she evil?

As Sookie flips through a scrapbook of articles about her family (not sure if it’s something of Gram’s or part of Bill’s file), she gets a call from her cousin, pleading with her to come see her at the aquarium in Monroe, which Sookie does post-haste. Cuz spills the beans about her situation with the Queen of Louisiana and tells her to get the hell out of Dodge…uh, I mean, Bon Temps…but she also wants to know if her son Hunter has the same psychic abilities as Sookie. He does. This is possibly not a good thing for the lad. At the very least, her mother certainly doesn’t think it is.

Back at Merlottes, Hoyt tries to introduce his new girlfriend to Jessica (it initially goes just about as well as you’d expect it would, but it has a surprising conclusion, with Jessica trying to bury the hatchet only to find Hoyt admitting that he can’t actually stand his new girlfriend), Jason tries to make sense out of the situation he’s going through with Crystal (like that was ever going to go well, though she offers an interesting twist by suggesting that not all werewolves follow the same path as her fiancee), and Lafayette flirts openly with Jesus, thereby outing his relationship to Tara, who – despite her instinct to snap at her cousin – indicates her approval while hiding her depression about her own lack of happiness. A few minutes later, Crystal’s dad pops by the place, at which point Sam’s had all he can stand and can’t stands no more, beating the living shit out of the poor bastard. Despite everything Daddy dearest has done to her, however, Crystal’s still in his corner.

Franklin’s back…or is he? My wife immediately said, “Maybe he’s not really there.” Is this another case of PTSD on TV? Apparently not, but, damn, I would’ve sworn that he was just a figment of her imagination. That was a pretty harsh scene, and I didn’t expect Jason to be Tara’s savior, but rather than killing Franklin off, it seems like it would’ve been more effective if Franklin had swooped off and left Tara forever wondering when he might come back to finish her. Instead, it was, like, “Hey, look, Franklin’s not dead after all…except, whoops, now he actually is.”

Bill’s having a strange dream where he’s walking on pedal-covered water and seeing…Claudine, I guess? Well, if I’m wrong, I’m sure someone will correct me. How strange that Bill and Sookie enter the same dreamworld when they’re asleep…or is it a dreamworld? Suddenly, I see why John referred to the sequence in 3.7 as a “WTF moment.” Whatever it is, the link apparently resulted from Bill drinking so much of Sookie’s blood, and this long, strange trip has provided him with the answer to exactly what the hell Sookie is….though, of course, we won’t learn that answer ’til next week. Not that Bill doesn’t try to tell Sookie about his experience, but he can’t get a word out before Sookie tells him what she’s learned about the Queen.

Quick question: did anyone else get a serious “Dr. Phibes” vibe from The King when he addressed Talbot’s remains? As he vaults forth from the rooftop, we learn that The Authority wipes its hands of the whole incident, preferring to pretend that they don’t know anything at all about anything that’s happened between Eric and The King, leaving Eric to solve the situation himself. When he suggests he may not be up the task of defeating him, Ms. Flanagan snaps, “Bring me his fangs or I will have yours.” With that, she busts out of the joint and hops her flight to Oregon, but her decision to indulge in a bit of thigh diving is interrupted by…well, I didn’t see that coming…The King interrupts a live TBBN newscast on the VRA by punching through the chest of the newscaster, ripping out his spine, and closing with a rant which effectively destroys human / vampire relations and serves as a full-fledged game changer not only for the season but, quite possibly, for the entire series.

Greatest “holy shit” moment of “True Blood” ever…? Possibly.

Now, time for the weather. Tiffany…?

This episode was one of the few in the series that didn’t begin with a legitimate bang. Bill had just saved Sookie’s life, and all that was left was Sookie’s (screaming) reaction when she saw Bill again. Nobody in that hospital room was about to die, so after Sookie settled down and ‘broke up’ with Bill, life went on. Bill doesn’t really explain why he went crazy on Sookie’s blood, but she explains it away later (to Jason, I think) saying that Bill was near death and couldn’t control himself. Um, okay.

This episode was written by Raelle Tucker (her 6th of the series) and directed by Lesli Linka Glatter, who is an experienced director but hadn’t directed an episode of “True Blood” before. The show always has several balls in the air, but it felt especially scattered in this episode. It wasn’t until the final 10 minutes that anything actually happened.

Everything else was just setup for that final sequence or for some episode down the line. For example, there was Arlene’s vision of Rene, which literally had no impact on anything else that happened in the episode. I’m sure it was entirely necessary, but it only made the hour feel all the more frenetic, and not necessarily in a good way.

So let’s hit the high points. To me, the most interesting storyline was Eric’s continued infiltration of the King’s trust. He was playing both Russell and Talbot in order to put himself into position to avenge his family’s death. He had to flirt with Russell and get down and dirty with Talbot to get there, but he certainly got there, and it will be interesting to see what happens to him now that he’s staked Talbot. It’s not like he can blame it on someone else — both Russell and the bodyguards knew that they were together that night.

Eric’s actions essentially saved Bill’s (and Sookie’s, by proxy) life, because Russell felt Talbot’s death and flew off into the night just as he was about to put Bill out of his misery. The fight at Sookie’s house was intense, and she’s lucky that Bill and Jessica (who just went through a sweet combat training experience at Bill’s house) showed up to help. When Jessica ran outside to chase one of the werewolves, Bill was left with the choice of following her or going upstairs to save Sookie, and he chose Jessica, possibly because he had to, being her maker and all. Once Russell left, Bill went upstairs and he and Sookie made up in a big, big way.

Meanwhile, Jason’s relationship with Crystal takes another turn when she shows up at his place soaking wet after running away from her betrothed. One can only assume she and her kin are werewolves, and Jason’s confrontation with her father is only going to put him squarely in their cross hairs. But my main problem with the storyline is Crystal’s assertion that she had never been out of Bon Temps — if that’s the case, how in the world did she not at some point cross paths with Jason Stackhouse? In a small town, that would seem to be entirely impossible.

Other than Sookie’s flirtation with Alcide, everything else that happened this week seemed to be swirling about on the fringe — Tara’s strange recovery, Lafayette’s mom and Jesus’s arrival, Sam sending his own mom away, and Holly, the new waitress.

Taking a step back, I can see how some might compare the romantic triangle between Sookie, Bill and Alcide with what apparently goes on in “Twilight,” but the books that “True Blood” were based on were published a full four years earlier. So, if anything, “Twilight” is a watered down version of “True Blood,” not the other way around. (I’m not saying it is, I’m just saying that the “True Blood” story came first.)

Anyway, Will Harrris will be back at the keyboard next Sunday, so my time steering the ship has come to an end. Moving forward, while some have been critical of the third season, we have all the makings for a strong finish. (Namely, one crazy, pissed-off, 3000-year-old vampire.)

My esteemed colleague, Will Harris, asked me to cover the “True Blood” blog for a couple of episodes while he does his thing at the TCA press tour. So before we move on, let’s go ahead and lower those expectations.

Lowered? Good.

First, there’s the issue of Lorena, who is about to kill Sookie in the woodshed. (That sounds a little like some backwoods version of Clue, doesn’t it?) Lorena marvels at how good she tastes, underlying the ongoing question of the third season — just what is Sookie Stackhouse?

Bill manages to jump Lorena and hold her down while Sookie stakes her. Killing off a minor, yet important character is always an interesting way to start an episode, and it looks like Lorena’s hold over Bill is finally over.

There were a couple of scenes in the episode where Thin Lizzy’s “Jailbreak” would have been an appropriate soundtrack. First, to get off the King’s compound, Alcide had to kill Cooter and lock his ex-girlfriend in the shed — instead of putting her down, which will no doubt come back to bite him, pun intended — before loading Sookie, Bill and Tara up in the truck to get them the hell out of Dodge. During the escape, he kills another werewolf, which will only serve to embolden the pack’s desire to track him down.

The other jailbreak was Sam’s adventure to the dogfights, which have to be one of the most despicable ways to spend a sunny afternoon. After cheering him on when he let all of those dogs loose, I laughed out loud (literally LOL) when he convinced that Rottweiler that he’d be far better off making a run for it than standing there snarling at him.

One question that I have with regard to Tommy’s involvement in the fights — why doesn’t he just shapeshift into the biggest, baddest pit bull in Louisiana?

Back to the truck — Sookie offers up her blood to Bill, and he partakes — oh man, does he partake. It’s obvious that her blood has an effect on Bill, because he doesn’t have any recollection of what happened when he comes to. Funny that Lorena didn’t have the same reaction — it must be something specifically about Bill, right?

Anyway, Tara leaves him at the side of the road, and Sookie’s blood has apparently made him resistant to being in the sun. He bolts off in the other direction, which makes me wonder — why didn’t he just use his superspeed to keep up with the truck?

The scene with Jason and Hoyt (and later, Summer) at the house is a great example of why “True Blood” is so entertaining. Creator Alan Ball has so many knives in the air at one time, and does such a great job of keeping track of them all. In this scene, Hoyt pushes Jason forward on his quest to discover the truth about Crystal. Jason wouldn’t think to interview the drug dealer he locked up so Hoyt has to think of it for him. Then sweet/stalker Summer shows up for a quick scene that will no doubt set up a few scenes in a future episode. I’d love to see how the writers organize all of these storylines.

As for Jason’s ‘interrogation’ of the drug dealer… He discovers that Crystal is the dealer’s cousin, and almost finds out what’s up with that ‘a-hole she’s living with’ before the dealer stops himself and says, “Oh, you’re smart.” That has to be the first time anyone has said that to Jason Stackhouse.

Andy only made a brief appearance in this week’s episode, but it led to a great exchange with Jason:

Andy: “What the hell, Stackouse? You ain’t supposed to be back here.”
Jason: “I’m just sweepin’.”
Andy: “Yeah? Where’s your broom?”
Jason: “That’s a good point.”

To spill the beans about Crystal, the dealer wants meth, so Jason heads to Merlotte’s to see if Lafayette can hook him up. Tara calls to tell him about Sookie, so they both head to the hospital, where Lafayette has one of the best lines of the episode after a nurse starts to talk to Jason about his ‘options.’

Lafayette: “Listen to me. F**k her. This s**t ain’t over.”

Truer words were never spoken.

While Sookie was under, we finally got a glimpse into her true nature, but it was more of a WTF? moment than anything. She had a cryptic and entirely uninformative conversation with someone named Claudine and then all of the dancing fairies (for lack of a better term) hightailed it into the pond when the darkness came. Before Claudine left, she said to Sookie, “Do not let him take the light from you.” Um, okay…

The setup for Sookie’s vision was Erik’s interrogation of the Queen’s human, Hadley, who apparently spilled the beans about why everyone’s favorite mind-reader is so important to Sophie-Anne. They used the ol’ dying-whisper-in-the-ear trick so that Erik would find out before the audience. Whatever she said, it surprised him, as all he said was: “Well, I sure wasn’t expecting that.” Now that he knows the reason behind Bill’s interest in Sookie, it will surely lead to a few interesting conversations in future episodes.

To wrap up the hour, we head back to Fangtasia for arguably the best scene of them all. Erik, the Queen and the King show up to confront the Magister, who goes on and on about ‘the authority’ that he’s loyal to.

Finally, the King has had enough — “Perhaps you have not quite grasped the subtex of our earlier exchange, but THERE’S A NEW F**KING AUTHORITY IN TOWN!”

When the Magister is finally convinced to marry Russell and Sophie-Anne, he thinks the King will spare his life.

Not… so… fast.

Russell surprises everyone and chops off his head. The closing credits role as PJ Harvey sings “Hitting the Ground.” Fitting.

I’m sure there won’t be any consequences to that decision. (Yeah, right.)

The King drags Sookie into the royal mansion as Lorena’s coming down the grand staircase, Eric and Talbot stroll in, and Bill – who’s kind of been bringing up the rear – is thrown to the floor and declared to be a traitor. Instead of giving up the ghost, though, Bill stakes the King’s bodyguard and attempts to take down His Majesty, too. It proves a laughable effort, however, as Bill is shunted upwards into the ceiling and then comes crashing down on the staircase. Ouch…but now we cue Eric, who steps in and immediately starts sucking up to the King, telling him he’d better hold on to this fine new filly he’s found himself.

Really, you can’t blame Sookie for her response: “Eric, what the fuck?”

There’s a whole lot of pissed-off people in the royal mansion: Talbot’s annoyed that the King isn’t giving him any say in what goes on in their homestead, and Lorena’s angry that Bill’s being sent to the slave quarters to be slain. I’d love to see a cat fight between Lorena and Sookie, I surely would. Lorena might want to wear Sookie’s ribcage as a hat, but I still wouldn’t count Sookie out of any such fight.

The clientele at Merlotte’s is far more discerning that I would’ve expected. Anyone asking the help how the peas are served in that place deserve whatever answer they get…or whatever they find in their peas. Obviously, there’s still some serious flirtation going on between Lafayette and Jesus, but we’ll get back to that in a moment. First, we should have a laugh at the whole Arlene / Jessica plot thread. I laughed at just about every moment those two shared tonight, whether it was Jessica’s fangs popping out when Arlene cut her finger, Arlene’s completely horrified reaction (particularly her concern that her pregnancy made for an added temptation), or – most hilariously – Arlene’s assurance that she takes garlic supplements. In the end, Jessica offered an olive branch of sorts by getting Curlers to offer up a tip before offering herself up as a snack…and, hey, nobody got killed! Looks like Jessica learned something from Pam after all…

Okay, back to the Lafayette / Jesus flirtation. Jesus talked about his past, and, amazingly Lafayette actually seemed to be falling for him, though he clearly was taken aback by the concept of taking it slow. Things looked like they were getting pretty sweet between them…and then, a little later, they suddenly weren’t. Oh, sure, they did double-team the hillbillies like they were Jean Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman, but as soon as Jesus learned that Lafayette was a dealer, things went south in a hurry. This, of course, begs the question as to whether or not Lafayette cares enough about Jesus to consider trying to get out of the game…and if Eric will let him do so.

I still don’t know what to make of Jason’s new lady friend. They’re still making out hot and heavy, but it struck me as more than a little ominous when he observed how warm she was, and when she started crying about how she just wanted a taste of something that she’d remember forever and soon started sniffing the air…? To borrow a line from Wire, there’s something strange going on tonight, and it’s not quite right. But I laughed when she ran off, saying, “Just forget me.” Boy, you really don’t know this guy, do you? The next thing you know, he’s at her doorstep with a big bouquet of flowers and…pardon me while I snicker…wearing his high school letterman’s jacket to impress her. Still, you had to feel bad for Jason when her fiancee answered the door and, when he called for her, her reaction was to claim that she’d never seen him before. So, of course, Jason being Jason, he has to get his annoyance about the situation out of his system by smacking around his current high school equivalent…and while he’s trying to bang his sweetheart. That’s just not cool, man.

“My patience is not without its limits,” says the King to Sookie, taking her to his den and, after lighting a fire for proper dramatic effect, entering into a Q&A session with her. It didn’t start out that way, of course, but he’s bemused by her…to a certain extent, anyway. It’s an educational conversation, though, with the King making her question her humanity with his comments about her powers, question Bill’s motives by revealing the file that he’s been keeping on her family. She tries to be as honest as possible, but he’s not fucking around: he wants to know the deal with her powers. He clearly believes her when she says she doesn’t know, later giving her a tsk-tsk and sighing, “Oh, sweetheart, you really don’t know anything at all, do you?”

As usual with Lorena, I find myself leaning toward the concept of “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” The sequences with her and Bill were, to be blunt, fucking disgusting. I mean, she cuts him down the middle of his chest, cuts her own fingers, intermingles their blood, and then goes on to flay him. Bill comments that he would’ve liked to have seen her before the darkness set in, and I think he meant it, but it’s far too late for her to turn back at this point. The grotesquery continues, and when the redneck werewolves entered the picture…ugh. Just…ugh.

Tara and Franklin are still sittin’ in a tree, occasionally k-i-s-s-i-n-g, but mostly Tara’s just scared out of her ever-loving mind…and, frankly, she’s getting much worse at hiding her emotions. Franklin doesn’t seem to care, though. He’s crazy in love with her…emphasis on the crazy. Still, she’s trying her best to manipulate him and his silk pyjamas, and she seems to really make the most out of his request of her to bite him. Time to adapt the Blondie song to “Rip HIM to Shreds,” methinks. I have to admit that I didn’t expect her attempt to bash in his skull to succeed…and since she didn’t actually stake him, I feel certain that we’ll see him again before long…but you can’t say she didn’t make the most of the opportunity provided to her.

I liked the conversation between Eric and the King in the car, with Eric discussing his hatred of werewolves and the King explaining how he uses them by giving them the blood, followed by the King reminiscing about the good ol’ days, talking about how Hitler was right: there is a master race, it’s just not the humans. It isn’t long before they’ve arrived at their destination: the Queen’s pad. How sad was it to see her scratching lottery tickets in a desperate attempt to get her fortune back? I feel as though Talbot would be less than thrilled to learn of the King’s marriage proposal to the Queen, but it’s clear that this would be a marriage of convenience, anyway, given the way he sneered those disparaging comments about her royalty. I knew Eric would jump into the conversation before too long, and so he did, apparently surprising the King with the depth of his threats to the Queen.

I still have no real idea what to make of the storyline with Sam’s family, but I always enjoy seeing the news shows in the background, so it was nice that they let the focus settle on this one for a few minutes. I’m skeptical at Tommy’s claims that he’s not scared of his daddy, but when Mama showed up with her homemade corn fritters and Sam took ’em off to Merlotte’s, it was certainly an intriguing conversation about Daddy dearest that also served to reveal that Mama isn’t nearly as big a fan of Sam as we’d been led to believe. I was afraid that was going to prove to be the case. Sad to see I was on the right track. So you’ll forgive me if I was getting a bit sleepy toward the end of the episode, but…am I right in my suspicion that Sam thinks that Tommy’s involved as a contestant in the dog fights? That’s some crazy stuff, man.

So things wrapped up tonight with Sookie narrowly avoiding the redneck werewolves, Tara crossing paths with Alcide, and Sookie finding Bill, proclaiming her love, and then getting her ass thrown against the wall by Lorena. We’ll see what happens next week, but since I think it’s fair to say that Sookie isn’t dead, it’s not quite as rough a cliffhanger as it might have otherwise been.

“Mmmm, spicy!” So says Talbot, the close personal friend of the Vampire King of Mississippi, as he takes a big whiff from Tara, who’s tied up next to the dining room table. Franklin tells him to piss off, and so it is established immediately that these two aren’t exactly thrilled with each other, a fact which is decidedly underlined by the breaking out of the fangs a few moments later. (In fairness, Franklin called Talbot “the cleaning lady.” Not cool, man.) Before the two can really get down to business, though, Bill, Lorena, and the King are back in the building…and, oh, the look on Tara’s face! And it only gets worse when Bill is totally dismissive of her plight. While meeting with the King, we learn that Franklin has a history of causing trouble amongst humans, but for what it’s worth, he seems to legitimately like Tara…not that it makes him any less batshit crazy.

So was it just me, or was that a ridiculously anticlimactic departure from the were-club? Unless my memory is failing me, Alcide told Sookie to run, she ran, and…the next thing we see, they’re driving off together in the truck? I feel more than a little bit gypped. Anyway, Wereboy’s busy reminiscing about the good ol’ days with his ex-girlfriend, Debbie, while Sookie’s intuition has convinced her that Bill’s connected to Russell in some capacity or other. That girl’s got a nice set of instincts on her. There’s also a touching moment when Debbie stops by to scream at Sookie, at which point it’s like we’ve stepped into an episode of “The Jerry Springer Show,” but the scene serves to confirm that Debbie doesn’t know anything about Bill.

Eric turns up at the King’s pad, duly impressing Talbot, who’s pretty clearly undressing him with his eyes. Unfortunately, the discussion between Eric and the King goes south almost immediately when Eric tries to blame Bill for all the shenanigans back in Bon Temps, only to have Bill step out of the shadows behind him. As usual, the tension between Bill and Eric was palpable, which was good to see again, and I loved the expression on Eric’s face when he absorbed the information that Sookie was now a free woman. So maybe everyone can work together like one big happy vampire family? Yeah, I’ll believe that when I see it…

I just don’t know what to make of this whole Franklin / Tara storyline. She’s petrified, he’s crazy…nah, I’m just not seeing a future in it. And, clearly, neither is Tara, given the way she manages to cut herself free and make a run for it. I’m a little skeptical that she could’ve succeeded in escaping from literally under a vampire’s nose, but it doesn’t matter, anyway, since she ends up getting chased and captured by a werewolf. So he’s planning to turn her and make her his vampire wife, huh? Cue another freaked-out expression from Tara.

Things in the sheriff’s office have clearly gone to shit since Sheriff Bud left. Looks like Andy’s dealing with Jason’s threats of blackmail by giving him a gig, and, man, are the deputies pissed about it. Clearly, the desk job isn’t exactly what Jason signed on for, as was proven with the comedy montage of him performing that brilliant paperclip limbo, smearing fingerprint ink everywhere, and so forth. It was deeply dumb, yes, but I laughed in spite of myself. Andy’s managed to pull some strings for Jason, but even so, he’s still got to take a handwritten exam, which is his worst nightmare…literally. A bit later, while he was out washing cars, he spotted the cute blonde driving by. Frankly, I’d all but forgotten about Jason seeing that girl in the woods, but I enjoyed the Flatt & Scruggs styled music playing while he was in hot pursuit. Again, watching him approach her truck wearing nothing but pants and sunglasses was so completely ridiculous that I had to laugh. Although he invites her to meet him at Merlotte’s later in the evening, it looks as though she’s stood him up…until he strolls outside and sees her walking away. They end up wandering into the woods, where they make out and she says cryptic things like, “There’s no forever for us, only now.” What’s her deal, anyway?

So Sam’s family’s moving into their new place, and they’re still acting about as white-trash as they have been all along, though Sam’s dad is acting even more weird, if that’s possible. Although Sam’s given Tommy a job at Merlotte’s, it’s clear that his absence from the homestead is not going well with Daddy dearest. I knew something was up when he called the place looking for him, so when Tommy asked to stay the night at Sam’s, I wasn’t entirely surprised when things escalated and Dad stopped by for a visit. Damn, I was impressed with Sam’s yelling, but what was all that “I own him from head to toe” stuff? There’s clearly a secret to be uncovered in this family relationship, and I expect we’ll find out what it is sooner than later.

Sookie’s clearly pissing Alcide off by checking in on his thoughts, but you can’t say she doesn’t get results. Once again, he goes against werewolf tradition by taking her to meet his pack leader, at which point they discover that things are even more rough than they’d believed. The pack leader’s advising silence, says there’s nothing he can do about the King, and his only suggestion is that they just let him do what he wants to do ’til he goes away. Yeah, good plan.

I’m not going to lie to you: I thought the Lafayette storyline tonight was just cute as a button. He’s out having a smoke with Tommy when Jesus shows up, and, naturally, he’s convinced that the guy’s stopped by because his mother’s dead. But, no, he’s swung by for a social visit…and, by God, he’s willing to hang out at Merlotte’s for nine hours ’til the guy gets off work. Lafayette’s clearly pleased by the kid’s intentions, if only because it’s so unlike the guys who usually hit on him, and the nervous grin on Jesus’s face when he stepped into Merlotte’s showed that both of these guys are out of their element. After watching them interact during their game of pool, I’m actually kind of rooting for them to become a couple. Of course, there’s no way Jesus survives the season. Nothing good ever happens to Lafayette.

Just an offhanded comment about the Jessica / Arlene situation and how funny it was that Jessica hypnotized those customers to not give Arlene a tip. Also, what’s up with Hoyt bringing a date to Merlotte’s? I realize there’s not a lot of places to go for dinner in Bon Temps, but, seriously, that seems a little uncool.

Bill reacts poorly to the very brusquely-delivered rumor that Sookie’s having relations with a werewolf, kicks some ass, and steps out to find his former ladyfriend…which he does in rapid fashion, of course. Before that, though, we see Eric looking decidedly shocked at Lorena’s presence in the King’s domicile, only to have his mind blown even further when Talbot re-introduces him to a crown that causes him to flash back to his Viking origins. Great sequence, by the way, and let me just say for the record that, all things being equal, I would much rather be blogging about a show where Vikings battle werewolves every week, so if some network could get that series greenlit, I’d really appreciate it.

Things wrapped up, of course, with Bill finding Sookie, telling her once again to get lost, although in this case it really was for her own good. It’s too late, though: The King and all of his men burst into Alcide’s pad and try to take Sookie away, only to have her respond by exploding forth with a giant ball of light…not unlike she did to Maryanne, if memory serves. “Fantastic!” says the King. I’ll second that.