Consider Crano incredibly lucky for getting the actors that he did, because it’s hard to imagine “A Bag of Hammers” working quite as well without them. Sandvig and Ritter are especially good in the film’s more comedic moments, while even Rebecca Hall manages to make the most of a role that requires she wear a silly waffle hat and perform an ever sillier dance. The real standout, however, is Preston, who delivers what is easily the most heartbreaking performance that I’ve seen this year as the hopelessly desperate single mother. Additionally, while the constantly shifting tone between quirky comedy and grim family drama may annoy some people, Crano actually handles it remarkably well, particularly when the movie enters some pretty dark territory midway through the story and never looks back. It’s a shame that he didn’t see that version of the film through to the end, because while there’s nothing wrong with the happy ending he opts for, “A Bag of Hammers” would have been so much more memorable with the disheartening, more realistic finale that he teases just before it.

But we’ll get back to that.

Since I’ve already watched and written about the show, let’s go ahead and just tackle the events of the season finale first, beginning, of course, at the beginning.

So Eric and The King are just, y’know, kinda hanging out in the parking lot and catching some rays, like good buds sometimes do…except, of course, that good buds don’t tend to be handcuffed together (unless they’ve taken their friendship to a, uh, higher level), and being exposed to the rays in question means imminent death. In the case of The King, it’s kind of a good-riddance-to-bad-rubbish situation, but for Eric’s, it’s definitely a case of suicide by sunshine. So is the spirit of Godric really visiting him, or is it just his rational mind trying to get his attention? Either way, Godic’s pleas for Eric to forgive The King fall on deaf ears. Meanwhile, Sookie’s running through the forest to catch something that looks like a cross between E.T.’s ship and a chandelier, but it turns out to be something like running toward the light, since she suddenly wakes up from what was apparently a dream and slaps the shit out of Bill for betraying her again…except that, really, he only pretended to betray her in order to save her again. Yawn. As soon as she realizes that Eric’s outside, sacrificing himself in order to rid the world of The King, she refuses to allow it, instead running outside and allowing The King to goad her into using her fairy powers to separate Eric and The King from each other. Rather than save them both, however, she slams The King against a wall, dragging Eric inside and leaving The King to burn…although, frankly, I don’t know why she didn’t do something to actively finish him off, given that he was continuing to threaten her even as she departed.

Oh, that’s why: Sookie offers up her blood to save the day, and once Eric’s in better shape, he announces that he wants to spare The King. Yeah, good plan: he sure talks and acts like he’s really going to be sparing humanity when he gets released. Sookie sits around, reading Star Magazine and listening to The King rattle on with huge monetary bribes, but she’s not letting him out of his chains. As a backup, he tries to make her feel paranoid about the value of her blood to Bill and the other vampires. She openly mocks him for believing that he can bring his lover back to life with her blood. Instead, she pours his remains down the sink and cranks up the garbage disposal. Ew.

Tara’s watching Nan and Rev. Steve on the news as Sam whips up a bit of post-coital breakfast for them (mmmm…pancakes), but he’s really only using the food to help ease her into accepting that he’s a shapeshifter. I’ll give her credit: it’s about time someone called out the completely insane goings-on in the town. Indeed, she seems to be trying to work her way through PTSD. First, she decides to run home to her Mama, only to find that the Reverend has made a house call. I loved how Tara opened her comments to her mother by saying, “God knows I don’t have any business judging anybody,” but her mama has decided that she’s found her calling: as a minister’s wife…after, of course, the minister leaves his current wife. Tara clearly doesn’t believe her mother is destined to find happiness, but she gives her best wishes and drives away.

Eventually, she makes her way back home, and there’s a momentary thought that she might stab herself to death with a pair of scissors, but, no, she’s just going to give herself a quick trim. After a brief heart-to-heart talk with Sookie, where the two friends rekindle their relationship, Tara hops in her car and heads off to parts unknown…or, at least, they’ll be unknown ’til next season, anyway.

Jason, meanwhile, is trying to help save his girlfriend’s family from being invaded by the DEA, his future career in law enforcement be damned, but her daddy isn’t exactly what you’d call grateful. Once again, Jason turns out to possess a voice of reason, but he doesn’t get a chance to convince him before her brother shoots Daddy in the head. He threatens everyone unless she leaves with him, but Jason keeps telling her to leave. She thinks the best of her brother, though, and she decides that Jason’s the one who needs to take over for her father and keep her people safe. Time to step up to the plate, Jason! We never get to see what he does, though, aside from tipping the family to the upcoming assault and helping them find safety. Another “to be continued next season” moment, naturally. Maybe that’s when we’ll also finally see Sheriff Andy take a hit of vampire blood. Now that’s something I’d like to see…

Hoyt’s mother, ex-girlfriend, and, uh, the high school guidance counselor gang up with poor Hoyt at his work site, staging a vampire intervention. It’s a waste of time, though: he loves Jessica, he’s pissed off at his mother, and he knows the counselor keeps a stash of liquor in his desk. In the end, all it does is convince Hoyt that he really does want to spend his life with Jessica, so he goes off and buys a house, then promptly asks her to marry him. Clearly, they’re not going to live happily ever after, since we also get to see Hoyt’s mama stocking up on Rev. Steve-approved firearms, presumably to take Jessica down for the long haul. Also, what was that on the floor of Hoyt’s new house? A doll…? I couldn’t see it clearly enough to tell.

Lafayette’s still having some serious vampire flashbacks – including one which, rather surprisingly, involved a momentary cameo from Michael Raymond James, reprising his role of Rene – which leads him to call Jesus in a panic. He manages to pull it together before returning to work, though, and when Jesus turns up, he reveals that he knows magic, resulting in Lafayette responding incredulously, “You’re a witch who’s a nurse who’s a dude.”

Sam tries to find out what’s up with Tommy not answering his phone, and he finds his place in disarray, all the money gone, and – rather inexplicably – all signs pointing to a desperate attempt to get the place as cold as possible, with the A/C apparently cranked up and the refrigerator door open. What’s that about? Oh, well, it doesn’t matter, because Sam heads back over to Merlotte’s, finds that Brother Dearest has swiped the money from there, too, and hits the road to find Tommy. He eventually does, of course, and their last scene of the season ends with Sam firing his gun in Tommy’s direction, though – shocker! – we don’t know whether or not he actually shot Tommy.

Alcide – you may know him as Werewolf Boy – is back in the picture briefly, having returned to repay his father’s debt by assisting in Bill’s big plan, though he does manage to take time to flirt a little bit with Sookie. Bill’s big plan, by the way, involves wrapping The King in silver, then encasing him in concrete. Not a bad idea. What I didn’t expect, however, was for Bill to knock Eric flat and try to do the same to him, not to mention sending off someone to kill Pam as well. Thinking Eric no longer a viable concern, Bill turns up at Sookie’s place, tells her that he’s knocked off both The King and Eric. She’s unsurprised about the former, but it’s clear that she’s horrified by the news of the latte. Bill swears it was something he had to do in order to keep her safe, which he assures her that he will do forever, even at the expense at his own life, saying, “I have never loved nor will I ever love as I have loved you.” Cue Eric’s appearance on the front doorstep, alive, well, and dripping wet concrete, in order to out Bill’s sordid past.

So, wait, all you have to do to get a vampire out of your house is to rescind your invitation, at which point they go flying out the front door? Somehow, that seems too easy.

Time for the final wrap-up. TVampire Queen of Mississippi shows up, dressed to the nines in her best widow attire, thrilled to death about Russell’s demise. She’s waiting to indulge on Sookie’s blood, but Bill informs her that she’s fallen for his clever ruse, that he’s instead planning to take her down, since he now has nothing left to lose. Cue the Matrix moment where they both leap into the air, then toward each other. Sookie, meanwhile, goes to the graveyard to commune with Gran, but she’s told by the fairies that she’s not alone, at which point she takes their hand, joins the light, and disappears with them.

And, so, another season of “True Blood” is behind us…and, frankly, I think it might well be the last one I’ll be blogging for Bullz-Eye.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been a fan of this show over the years and have certainly enjoyed a great deal of it, but this season just wasn’t doing it for me, and the one moment that seemed like it was going to be an absolutely kick-ass game changer – The King ripping out a newscaster’s heart on live TV – might as well have never happened for all the ultimate effect it seemed to have on the world at large. Instead, we got Jason and the Hill People, Sam’s shape-changing family, Tara’s PTSD, and a whole bunch of fucking fairies. There were entertaining moments in Season 3, yes, but Russell should’ve ruled the remainder of the season. Instead, he turned into a cross between Gollum and the Phantom of the Opera. As such, I can’t call it anything other than a major disappointment to me.

What were your thoughts?

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let me applaud Alan Ball and his crew for offering up an awesome nod to the competing programming – yes, the Emmys – by kicking off tonight’s episode with “True Blood: In Memoriam,” which was a little bit of genius…and, if I’m to be honest, was more effective that the Emmy’s “In Memoriam” segment. (Loved the song, Jewel, but the pacing of the whole thing was off, possibly because they’re not used to scoring it to something other than just some plain old orchestral music.)

On to the episode proper. Bill blows into Fangtasia on a quest to find Sookie, but on his way toward the basement, he’s stopped by Pam, who tries to tell him that he just needs to chill out and put things into their proper perspective. He ignores her and heads for the stairs, but he’s taken down by Pam’s handy-dandy silver spray. As it happens, Sookie looks to have another savior: Eric’s Russian stripper girlfriend, who’s bitter at being blown off by him – possibly because he’s been underestimating her (who knew she was a cardiologist?) – and decides to let Sookie go…and the timing couldn’t be more perfect, since she pops up and saves Bill from Pam’s wrath. Pam’s kinda pissed about the situation, since she’s of the belief that things are going to go to hell if Eric isn’t able to present Sookie as a gift to The King.

Lafayette and Jesus are coming down from their crazy-ass trip. Jesus was clearly moved by the experience, but Lafayette, while admitting that it was pretty unique even for him, isn’t particularly interested in revisiting the situation again…and that was before he had his first flashback. But how about that second flashback, with all of the dolls coming to life and talking to him? Loved it.

So Jason’s girlfriend is a were-panther, eh? You can’t blame him for being a little upset at this revelation, especially since – as he informs her – he’d figured that her big secret was “shoplifting or something.” He bristles at her suggestion that he might not be a real man, but, hell, compared to the guys in her family, he actually is kind of a wuss. With no one to talk to, Jason finds himself wandering over to the the football field, where he finds his young high-school student nemesis from earlier this season alienating his girlfriend and pissing off his teammates from working them so hard, but I can’t tell if it’s because he’s on something or if it’s because he’s just kind of an obsessive jerk. (It’s probably both.)

Hey, Jessica and Hoyt are back together! But is it over again before it starts? At first, I thought it might be, what with her admission to him about the trucker, but, no, he’s clearly decided that if she’s going to put all of her cards on the table, then he’s going all in, too. I could probably follow that line with a couple of other “all in” jokes, starting with her fangs and moving down from there, but I’ll stop while I’m ahead. While that’s going on, however, Hoyt’s ex-girlfriend Summer comes crying back to Hoyt’s big, fat mama, who apparently set the poor girl on the path to get her son to marry him. Boy, these two are a perfect pair. Perfectly awful, that is. God only knows what Hoyt’s mama means when she says they’re not done by a long shot, but it can’t be good.

The King is battling with his tenses before battling with Eric, who arrives, explains why he’s so pissed off at him, and does an impressive job of keeping it together when The King unabashedly mocks him for having killed Talbot because he misses his mommy and daddy. Indeed, for a brief moment, it looks as though Eric’s actually willing to team up and help The King conquer the world and elsewhere, but The King’s not having it…until, that is, Eric pitches the possibility of being able to walk in the sun, even going so far as to say, “If I’m wrong, kill me tomorrow.” The King is impressed by the way Eric is wielding temptation as a weapon, but I think it’s fair to say that Eric’s credibility took a bit of a hit when we learned that his ringtone for Pam is “Ain’t We Got Fun.”

Tara’s crying over Eggs’s grave. Boy, that girl’s really falling apart this season. Meanwhile, Arlene’s still conferring with Holly over her pregnancy – that’s not going to go well, I just know it – when a ridiculously drunken Sam blows into the bar, demanding his whiskey. Terry tries to talk Sam down and gets nothing but abuse for his trouble (I can’t imagine I’m the only one who cringed when he used the phrase “shell-shocked motherfucker”), and in the end, Sam’s such a jackass that his waitresses walk out of him, too. Tara strolls in, but she refuses to help out, instead taking a seat with Sheriff Andy. I love that guy and all his drinking-hot-sauce-out-of-the-bottle ways, but she clearly scared the hell out of him when she told him that she knew the truth about how Eggs died. Similarly, though, I think she was as surprised as I was when he burst into a tearful apology.

What the hell’s going on with Sam and Tommy? Now Sam’s the one who’s pissed off and Tommy’s the one who isn’t sure how to deal with the situation. It was nice to see Sam and Tara get that quiet scene together, and I guess it was arguably even nicer to see them drift into each other’s arms, even if it was only for some quick, meaningless sex.

And how about Holly? She certainly thinks she’s got otherworldly powers, but I don’t think Arlene’s completely convinced. She’s still willing to take a shot at putting her faith in this plan, even though she’s also still kind of trying to convince herself that she’s doing it for the right reasons. Me, I’d think that any plan which involves taking a dagger, drawing blood, and letting it fall into your beverage is probably something you’d probably want to stay away from…and given the state of the sheets after she wakes up, I’m even more convinced of it. I felt bad laughing when Arlene, covering in blood, told Terry, “I think we’re losing the baby,” especially after he started crying, but I felt better about it when, amazingly, it turned out that the baby was fine! (How is that, exactly?)

Yep, High School Boy is on V, which might be why he’s such a jackass, but I’ve got a feeling that Jason’s competitive nature is going to lead him to try and match this kid…and I’ve got a bad feeling that it might involve him taking V, too. In the meantime, though, he’s going back to his were-panther girlfriend, having decided that his situation isn’t as bad as it could be (I feel like his standards are getting lower with each subsequent season), even if he does possibly have to fight alongside her family in a battle that has nothing to do with him.

Bill’s trying to be all sweet and romantic with Sookie while they’re on their drive, but it’s clear that A) he’s worried that she’s falling for Eric, and B) he’s right to worry. Still, she’s willing to try and imagine a rose-colored future with Bill…which lasts right up until they come up on The King and Eric standing in the middle of the road. D’oh! It’s back to Fangtasia the four of them go, and the conversation starts to get pretty heavy between Sookie and The King before they slip inside. Meanwhile, Eric says he has a plan. Suuuuuuuure he does…and apparently part of it involves telling The King that Sookie is a faerie, something which he finds positively laughable. The other part, however, involves Eric having to prove that drinking the blood of a faerie will allow vampires to go out in the sun. That does pique The King’s interest, and the next thing you know, they’re both taking a hit off Sookie. As you’d imagine, Eric’s first steps into the sunlight are tentative, but the look on his face when he realizes that it’s worked is pretty sweet. It’s short-lived, of course, but he puts on an amazing front, allowing himself to be burned a bit in order to tempt The King to step out. One quick flip of the cuffs later, and Eric utters the words that have given us the title to this week’s blog.

There’s no way Eric’s going to be departing the series anytime soon. Russell’s future, however, seems far less certain.

I know *I* certainly was.

It was therefore mildly disappointing to have the episode begin not with The King but, rather, with Bill finally revealing Sookie’s true identity to her. Fortunately, Sookie’s reaction served as an instant salve for the wound: “I’m a fairy? How fucking lame!” I think you’d have to say that Bill didn’t exactly do the best possible job of playing up Sookie’s ancestry, and things only got worse when he was forced to admit that her people were reportedly wiped out of existence by vampires, owing to fairy blood being magically delicious. He can’t exactly confirm that the stories are true, but he can at least vouch for the awesomeness of Sookie’s blood. This immediately makes her suspicious of why Bill’s interested in her, but he swears up and down, “It’s not your blood I love. I love you – your mind, your heart, your soul – and I will foreswear ever feeding on you again if that’s what it takes to convince you of that.” Aw, isn’t he just the sweetest vampire?

After coming off as a total bad-ass at the end of last week’s episode by killing Franklin with wooden bullets, all of Jason’s bravado abruptly vanishes in a puff of PTSD as he flashes back to killing Eggs at the end of last season…and then to killing Eddie way back in Season 1, an event which I’d practically forgotten about. It’s more than a little bit late for remorse, though, and Tara’s clearly not asking him for have any, anyway. Together, the two of them make sure that there’s nothing left of Franklin.

Lafayette and Jesus are trying their best to help get Crystal’s dad someplace where they can get him medical attention, while Sam’s chugging whiskey and seems to have a flurry of feelings running through his head…including his own flashback, which shows a side of him we’ve never seen nor even imagined. It never occurred to me that he’d used his great powers with great irresponsibility, but I reckon he got what he deserved, now, didn’t he? As we learn over the course of the episode, Sam’s past is much darker than we’d heretofore known about. Clearly, he’s not a man to be trifled with…and never has been. Meanwhile, Lafayette’s stock of vampire blood serves to save Crystal’s daddy, but he’s not exactly grateful for their efforts, and he’s still pissed off at his daughter for stepping outside of her own community…whatever that is. Jesus, however, is fascinated by the power of vamp blood. I’m not really a big fan of these moments where they try to parallel something from the real world – in this case, drug addiction – with something from the world of vampires. It always feels too heavy-handed to me, and this was no exception, coming across like a vampire-translated take on “Trainspotting” or “Requiem for a Dream.”

All things considered, I don’t think it’s the worst plan in the world for Erik to be making sure his estate is in order, given that The King’s first order of post-newsman-killing business is likely to take him down. Shame about how Erik’s new dancer got screwed in the last will and testament, but I laughed out loud at the way the phrase “you gold-digging whore” was both in subtitles and spoken in straight-up English.

When Bill turns on the TV, Ms. Flanagan is back on the news and, unsurprisingly, she’s decrying The King’s actions, likening him to Jeffrey Dahmer. Nice try, but I’m guessing it’s not going to sway the tide of negative sentiment toward vampires but so much. Erik turns up, and he and Bill have one of their typically tense heart-to-heart chats, with Bill updating him on the effects of Sookie’s blood and Erik offering a tsk-tsk at how disappointed Sophia’s going to be. It quickly descends into a back-and-forth about Sookie, which is promptly interrupted by Sookie herself, who mouths off to Erik. In return, he offers a moment of surprising tenderness with his farewell to her, then vanishes into the night.

Hey, look, Rev. Steve is back! I guess all it took to bring him back to the forefront was The King’s shenanigans on national TV. Naturally, Arlene is cheering him on, though she really should’ve known better than to mouth off in front of Jessica, who quickly takes her to task for her loudmouth manner. She’s embarrassed, but Tommy thinks her actions are hot, which manages to further embarrass her. Meanwhile, Hoyt’s new girlfriend, Summer, is continuing to annoy the living hell out of him, but she’s playing the sex card. Give him credit for maintaining restraint. (I’m not sure I could’ve been quite so strong if my girlfriend had put my hand on her breast and basically said, “Take me, I’m yours.”) When we next see Jessica, however, she’s got a whole new problem to deal with…and, ohh, man, here’s another real-world point of comparison: crosses being burned in vampires’ front yards. That might even be more heavy-handed that Lafayette and Jesus’s chemical-induced voyage through time. Thankfully, there’s little focus on this event, and the next time we see Jessica, she’s being handed the opportunity to get back together with Hoyt…and dismisses it. Ouch. Tommy sure as hell deserved the punch in the face he got from Hoyt, but, holy shit, I can’t believe Tommy attacked him like that, especially since the end result was Hoyt and Jessica bonding like they’ve never bonded before.

Jason and Tara cross paths with Sookie and Bill, and to call it a tense encounter would be an understatement, with Tara’s experiences with Franklin clearly having soured her on all vampires. Specifically, she’s blaming Bill for his refusal to assist her, but I think you could easily argue that she’s more than within her right to be develop an anti-vamp stance at this stage of her life. For his part, Bill is putting his faith in Jason to protect the ladies in his absence…but that might be misplaced. At long last, Jason finally opens up to someone – his sister – about Eggs, who tells him that he really needs to be honest to Tara. She says he should be honest, and he says that she wouldn’t know anything about honesty since she can already tell what everyone else is thinking. (Nice comeback.)

Things are pretty weird around Merlotte’s in the wake of Sam’s explosive behavior the previous night. He’s pretty calm, but everyone else is walking on eggshells for fear of accidentally setting him off again. He claims to be fine, but is he? I reckon we’ll soon find out. The scene with Terry and Arlene outside of the bar was hilarious up until the point where Arlene had to go and spoil the mood by telling him who the father of her baby was. Leave it to good ol’ Terry to say just the right thing. What a guy.

When Erik turned up and Sookie was convinced it was a dream, I wasn’t entirely convinced that that was the case. It was, of course, but I wouldn’t put anything past that guy. After she jolted herself awake, the story switched to Jason, who delivered breakfast to Tara and tried to find the words to tell her about what he’s done…and, shockingly, he wasn’t very successful. Tara, however, thanked him profusely, thereby making him feel worse. (One thing: despite Tara’s comment, I’m pretty Jason isn’t just pretending to be dumb.) After a kiss, though, he’s jolted to his senses and finally tells her the truth. It goes over about as well as you’d expect…but, really, how could he possibly have expected anything else? I mean, that’s like being surprised to discover that his sister has gone out on her own. Where’s she gone? To see Erik, of course…and this time, it’s no dream. There’s a whole lot of kissin’ going on at Fangtasia…but, hey, it’s like she said: she’s irresistible and intoxicating. Is Erik really picking Sookie over Pam? Surely not. And, yet, again, you never know with that guy.

Bill’s royally pissed at Jason for letting Sookie out of his sight, but, frankly, Jason’s a little pissed, too, and he’s not afraid to lash out at Bill, officially rescinding his invitation to allow him inside the house. I’m not quite sure about the ins and outs of the whole vampires / invitations thing, but Jason’s words clearly had an immediate effect on Bill, sending him hurtling out the door. But Jason’s not alone: instead, he’s got a blank panther in his room…a.k.a. Crystal. Oh, mama…

Remember how I said that it was mildly disappointing to have the episode kick off with Sookie rather than The King? Well, you can imagine how annoyed I was, then, to have His Majesty not actually make an appearance until the 49-minute mark of the proceedings. Looks like The King is busy shopping for a new boy toy, but all he’s seeing is Talbot’s ghost…which is darned unfortunate for the rent boy he’s picked up, as he stabs the poor bastard. Vampire therapy is harsh, man.

Things wrap up with Erik throwing Sookie over his shoulder, carrying her down to the basement of Fangtasia, and putting her in lockdown. I’m sure he’d say it was for her own good. Somehow, however, I don’t think Bill’s going to buy that…

Things kicked off tonight with Eric zipping into Fangtasia and, with an absolutely-warranted tinge of panic to his voice, informing Pam that he’s just staked the lover of the Vampire King of Mississippi. Nice one, sir. Immediately after blowing off Pam’s suggestion that they hide out at Sookie’s house, good ol’ Ginger strolls into the office. “Ginger, dear, where do you live?” he asks, casually. Good idea, bad timing: a battalion of V-Feds have already established a beachhead, with the dark and despicable (yet somehow still kinda hot) Ms. Flanagan glowering at Eric, thoroughly annoyed that his actions have taken her away from pursing the ratification of the Vampire Rights Amendment. After an apparently extreme search of Fangtasia’s basement which brings up nothing (“I’m a Virgo,” says Eric, “I like to be neat”), Ms. Flanagan sits down sexily and proceeds to take Eric’s formal statement, broadcasting it by webcam to the members of The Authority…which, for some reason, immediately brought to mind Springfield Republican Headquarters on “The Simpsons.”

Eric dives headlong into his back story, adding his comments about and thoughts on The King’s philosophies, including the highly contentious statement, “Fuck The Authority,” then wrapping up with a heartfelt explanation about how he wants The King’s death to be at his own hand. Ms. Flanagan isn’t buying what Eric’s selling, however, putting him and Pam on lockdown. Pam doesn’t understand why Eric’s never told her about the depths of his haunted past, but he basically says, “It’s not your problem,” instead changing subjects and telling her that it’s time for her to become a Maker. Woo-hoo! Promotion!

The King runs in to find the decidedly disgusting remains of Talbot, which he promptly smears himself with. Ew. Just…ew. Then he sees that Eric’s stolen not one but two of his most precious possessions, the other being the artifact which dates back to the King’s destruction of Eric’s family. Oh, yeah, he’s really pissed.

Sookie’s looking more than a little worse for wear after “making up” with Bill, but after a further bit of action in the shower, there’s some healing goin’ on amongst the water. You’d think it’d put a damper on her mood to walk out and find a dead werewolf corpse in the living room, but she doesn’t even flinch, instead just telling Bill “there’s an old tarp out back.” She does, however, acknowledge that moving dead bodies aren’t exactly the activities of a normal couple. Is she back to trusting him? Not until she gets more information about this secret file she’s recently learned about. Bill says it’s because he wants to know why Eric’s so interested in her, but Sookie calls the whole thing “creepy” and tells him to stop thinking of her as some precious little thing that needs to be protected. The look on his face shows that he knows where she’s coming from, but old habits die hard.

So Jesus’s Jaguar tattoo holds power over the universe? No, actually, it was just his high school mascot. Funny stuff…and, yet, it’s clear that Jesus does have a certain amount of sway over Lafayette. Ruby seems to approve of the end result of the relationship, too, what with her observation, “I’ll be damned: maybe God does love fags.” Nice.

Jason blows into Crystal’s place to try and save her from her supposedly evil fiancee, but it quickly becomes clear that there’s more to this situation than she’s been letting Jason in on. Not, of course, that he notices anything particularly amiss. When she made the comment about how “he can escape handcuffs,” I immediately thought back to John’s assumption that Crystal and her kin are werewolves. I guess that theory would still hold water, especially given that she pulls vampire blood out of his jacket. They tie him up, carry him into the woods, and Jason calls the police and, in a funny voice, tells them where to find him…but, uh, didn’t he do that on his own phone? That’s so Jason. The next day, he finds out that Deputy Kevin followed Jason’s instructions, turned up at the location, and found himself in the middle of an ambush. That’s right, you’d better look guilty, Crystal! Jason, however, tries to use the occasion to make himself look good, though he looks a little nervous when Sheriff Andy starts reeling off law enforcement acronyms. But what’s this…? Andy hasn’t sent the vampire blood off to the lab. Why is he hanging onto the stuff? Is he using?

Tara’s at Sam’s place, looking more than a little bit on edge. She’s apparently bared her soul to him (I didn’t see the episode, so I’m just guessing), and the end result has him hinting that she might want to consider therapy, an alternative which she clearly has no interest in pursuing. Before the discussion can go any further, however, Terry calls to complain about the “girl noises” coming from the apartment where Sam’s little brother is camping out. When he arrives, li’l bro Tommy is nekkid…and so is his buxom new babe, Nicole. Nice pull, Tomster. Sam plays so much of the authority figure that, after he leaves, Nicole asks Tommy, “That’s your dad?” In Sam’s absence, Tara apparently searched the ‘net to find a rape counseling group, where she finds her new co-worker, Holly. Bons Temps surely is the smallest of worlds, ain’t it? Seemed more than a little bit coincidental, and when Holly sat down to console Arlene about Tommy swiping her tips and her eyes got thin at the mention of the “evil” father of Arlene’s baby (who, based on Arlene’s comments, pretty much has to be Rene), I started to wonder what might be up with Holly. Is she evil?

As Sookie flips through a scrapbook of articles about her family (not sure if it’s something of Gram’s or part of Bill’s file), she gets a call from her cousin, pleading with her to come see her at the aquarium in Monroe, which Sookie does post-haste. Cuz spills the beans about her situation with the Queen of Louisiana and tells her to get the hell out of Dodge…uh, I mean, Bon Temps…but she also wants to know if her son Hunter has the same psychic abilities as Sookie. He does. This is possibly not a good thing for the lad. At the very least, her mother certainly doesn’t think it is.

Back at Merlottes, Hoyt tries to introduce his new girlfriend to Jessica (it initially goes just about as well as you’d expect it would, but it has a surprising conclusion, with Jessica trying to bury the hatchet only to find Hoyt admitting that he can’t actually stand his new girlfriend), Jason tries to make sense out of the situation he’s going through with Crystal (like that was ever going to go well, though she offers an interesting twist by suggesting that not all werewolves follow the same path as her fiancee), and Lafayette flirts openly with Jesus, thereby outing his relationship to Tara, who – despite her instinct to snap at her cousin – indicates her approval while hiding her depression about her own lack of happiness. A few minutes later, Crystal’s dad pops by the place, at which point Sam’s had all he can stand and can’t stands no more, beating the living shit out of the poor bastard. Despite everything Daddy dearest has done to her, however, Crystal’s still in his corner.

Franklin’s back…or is he? My wife immediately said, “Maybe he’s not really there.” Is this another case of PTSD on TV? Apparently not, but, damn, I would’ve sworn that he was just a figment of her imagination. That was a pretty harsh scene, and I didn’t expect Jason to be Tara’s savior, but rather than killing Franklin off, it seems like it would’ve been more effective if Franklin had swooped off and left Tara forever wondering when he might come back to finish her. Instead, it was, like, “Hey, look, Franklin’s not dead after all…except, whoops, now he actually is.”

Bill’s having a strange dream where he’s walking on pedal-covered water and seeing…Claudine, I guess? Well, if I’m wrong, I’m sure someone will correct me. How strange that Bill and Sookie enter the same dreamworld when they’re asleep…or is it a dreamworld? Suddenly, I see why John referred to the sequence in 3.7 as a “WTF moment.” Whatever it is, the link apparently resulted from Bill drinking so much of Sookie’s blood, and this long, strange trip has provided him with the answer to exactly what the hell Sookie is….though, of course, we won’t learn that answer ’til next week. Not that Bill doesn’t try to tell Sookie about his experience, but he can’t get a word out before Sookie tells him what she’s learned about the Queen.

Quick question: did anyone else get a serious “Dr. Phibes” vibe from The King when he addressed Talbot’s remains? As he vaults forth from the rooftop, we learn that The Authority wipes its hands of the whole incident, preferring to pretend that they don’t know anything at all about anything that’s happened between Eric and The King, leaving Eric to solve the situation himself. When he suggests he may not be up the task of defeating him, Ms. Flanagan snaps, “Bring me his fangs or I will have yours.” With that, she busts out of the joint and hops her flight to Oregon, but her decision to indulge in a bit of thigh diving is interrupted by…well, I didn’t see that coming…The King interrupts a live TBBN newscast on the VRA by punching through the chest of the newscaster, ripping out his spine, and closing with a rant which effectively destroys human / vampire relations and serves as a full-fledged game changer not only for the season but, quite possibly, for the entire series.

Greatest “holy shit” moment of “True Blood” ever…? Possibly.

Now, time for the weather. Tiffany…?