Last night’s season finale of “American Idol” had a bit of everything. It even had another somewhat surprising ending, at least from where I sit. Ryan Seacrest promised that there would be a few tributes to outbound Simon Cowell during the night, and there were. But here is how the rest of the show went down, and we’ll sum it up as quickly as we can:

The Season 9 Top 12 sang Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out” and once we saw the school kids dressed like Alice Cooper we knew the man himself would make an appearance and he did. But he didn’t sound very good.

Last season’s champ, Kris Allen, sang his single “The Truth”…it was a B-plus performance

Then came the first of the Simon Cowell tributes, followed by Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly doing The Bee Gees’ “How Deep Is Your Love,” during which the two living Bee Gees (Barry and Robin Gibb) came out and performed with them. That was cool, but they didn’t sound great either.

Michael Lynche came out and sang The Doobie Brothers’ “Takin’ It To the Streets,” and Michael McDonald joined him on stage. McDonald sounded great in spots, not so great in others.

Dane Cook did a tribute to Simon Cowell and I’ll say it again…this guy is absolutely not funny at all. He never is and I don’t get it!

Lacey Brown and Didi Benami started Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” and were joined by the other women from this season, and then finally by Christina, who wound up finishing with a song by herself. Man, can that girl belt it. The finalists from this season had to be thinking, “holy crap.”

Then Lee and the other guys started a Hall & Oates medley and were joined by Daryl Hall and John Oates. Those guys sounded very good.

Then a quick check in with former contestants Janell Wheeler in Crystal’s hometown of Toledo and Matt Rogers in Lee’s hometown near Chicago.

Crystal came out and sang Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic” and was joined by Alanis herself. That was pretty cool, but the two of them walking around nervously on stage was hard to watch.

Carrie Underwood sang her new single, “Undo It,” co-written by Carrie with judge Kara DioGuardi. I’m happy to report that we forwarded through this entire performance.

Then Kris Allen presented two custom-decorated Fords to both Lee and Crystal, and they could not have looked more unenthusiastic. Pretty funny stuff.

Then came one of the night’s great moments…..Casey James started strumming and singing Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” and I got chills as I knew what was coming….Bret Michaels. He got one of the biggest ovations of the night and rightly so, as the man battled for his life with a brain hemorrhage this past month. And he was just crowned the “Celebrity Apprentice” a few nights ago!

Then Lee Dewyze performed with the band Chicago to symbolize his roots. Yawn.

Another great moment in the show’s history followed, as General Larry Platt returned to sing “Pants on the Ground,” complete with dancers and a band. Even ol’ Larry could dance! He was joined by former contestant William Hung. Just heartwarming, I tell you.

Then Paula Abdul came out and did what looked like a comedy skit to pay tribute to Simon, but it just made me uncomfortable. How about you? I mean, that was beyond weird. After that, Kelly Clarkson and every American Idol champ except David Cook came out to sing together, and they were joined by other former contestants such as Justin Guarini, Diana DeGarmo, and Jason Castro. Then Simon joined them on stage and made a tearful goodbye speech that may have been rehearsed, but probably not.

Then Janet Jackson performed and was half singing, half lip-synching.

Finally it was time to announce the winner, who certainly would be Crystal, right? Well, no! It was Lee Dewyze, ladies and gentlemen. I admit I thought Lee really came on the last few weeks, and was peaking, but Crystal just annihilated him on Tuesday night. But, just like the last two seasons, the person we thought would win did not.

Still, Lee is a humble and worthy champion, and he was overcome by emotion because I’m pretty sure he didn’t think he would win. As Mrs. Mike pointed out, though, Crystal will now get to make an album the way she wants to, and Lee will have to make that co-written 19 Entertainment schlock. Mrs. Mike said this after throwing pillows at the TV!

Thanks for reading everyone, and enjoy your summer!

Last night began the rounds of “American Idol” in which we as Americans have our turn to vote on the talent, and specifically which twelve contestants go home over the next three weeks, and which twelve make up the finalists. And what I saw last night was a case of the judges having done a bad job of delivering us talent. Because there weren’t many women who stood out from the twelve that performed on Tuesday, and yet the judges kept going on and on about how loaded this year’s crop is. Um, not really. At least not where the female contingent is concerned. Let’s recap what we saw, and let’s say that I agreed with almost everything Simon Cowell had to say….

THE GOOD

The best performer last night was Lilly Scott, the 20 year old from Denver who has been living out of her car and performing on the street to survive. Are you kidding me? How does someone like that not suck? Well, she didn’t suck, and she did a kickass version of The Beatles’ “Fixing a Hole.” It was mostly original, maybe a little Lily Allen-ish, but there is no denying Lilly’s talent as a singer. Ellen DeGeneres, making her live Idol debut, said “That’s what we’re talking about!” and that it was distinctive and Lilly had a great stage presence…..Simon said she was the best of the night so far (she went fourth) and that it was a good song choice, but that he didn’t see Lilly’s star potential just yet….Kara said it was believable and Lilly was at ease on stage, and Randy said he liked that Lilly came across as a true indie artist. I agree with all of that.

Katelyn Epperly, 19, was next and she did another Beatles’ song, “Oh Darling.” This girl can also sing her butt off, and I have to be honest…I didn’t know much about her at all before this, and that’s because I think the producers did a lousy job of showcasing the true talent in the auditions. Anyway, Simon said the performance was a bit messy but that it was a good song choice, and that he likes Katelyn….Kara said she knows her own voice well and it was a good choice…..Randy said she paid attention to tone and likes Katelyn’s look…and Ellen said that while it was hard to figure Katelyn out at first, she was interesting and strong, and has an amazing voice. Yes to all.

THE IN-BETWEEN

Paige Miles, 24, had the daunting task of going first, and you may remember she did a killer version of Stevie Wonder in her last audition before this. Well, Paige goes and chooses Free’s “All Right Now,” a classic rock and wedding band staple, and it sounded like a wedding band performance. But you could definitely hear her strong voice in there. Simon said he believes Paige has the best voice among the women, but that this was a wedding singer song (duh)….Kara said she disagreed and that she thought it was a brilliant performance (really Kara?)…..Randy said it wasn’t the right choice, but that Paige has a big voice…and Ellen said she knows it’s hard to go first and that she thought Paige sounded “fantastic” (really Ellen?). Look, it wasn’t horrible, but a really weird and bad song choice.

Michelle D’Alamor, 22….um, who? Hey, producers, seriously…who is this? Well, Michelle has a day job of being a corporate singer. That’s a fancy way of saying she sings in a cover band. She took on Alicia Keys’ “Fallin'” and it was not bad, but not great when you compare her to Alicia Keys. Ellen said it was fantastic, but she thought it may have been a bit safe and easy for Michelle….Simon said she did well but sounded like a professional singer, and that wasn’t exactly a compliment in this context….Kara said it was “mostly great,” and Randy said Michelle chose a tough song but that it was “pretty good.” Pretty much yes on all of that.

Didi Benami, 23, is originally from Knoxville and now waits tables in L.A. while pursuing a music career. You may remember Didi lost her best friend a few years ago and she continues to honor her pal. Didi did Ingrid Michaelson’s “The Way I Am” and it sounded, well, like Ingrid Michaelson with a few vocal runs. It was just too much like the original for my taste, but she isn’t bad. Simon said it was good but he felt there are too many contestants trying to sound like the original, and that means no creative spark. Amen Simon! But he thought Didi had a nice voice….Kara said it was a good choice and she liked that Didi made a few changes to the phrasing (yeah Kara, that was really impressive!)….Randy asked the question all of us were thinking, “Where is the star factor?” and then he used the word “sleepy.” Ouch…..Ellen thought that for her first performance, it wasn’t representative of what Didi can do.

Siobhan Magnus, 19, who is one of my dark horses (Simon even said so), is a glass blowing apprentice for her day job. Now that’s a day gig! Waitress? Boring. Glass blower? Awesome. Anyway, Siobhan chose a weird song for her, Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game.” Still, she pulled it off but they showed a clip of her also singing Stevie Wonder in Hollywood week, and this did not compare to that at all. Kara said she wouldn’t have picked the song for Siobhan but that she liked it….Randy wondered where her “big pipes” were….Ellen said she was “entertained” and Simon said “You are a funny little thing, aren’t you?” and then added that it wasn’t as good as the Stevie Wonder performance they all loved. Exactly.

Crystal Bowersox brought her guitar and did Alanis Morissette’s “Hand in My Pocket.” She has a good voice but this performance was just too Lilith Fair for me, and there wasn’t much original about it. Randy said he thought it was original, but that he didn’t like the song choice (huh?)….Ellen said she was a Crystal fan…..Simon said what I thought, that it was good but that there are thousands out there just like Crystal, a.k.a. a “soundalike,” but that he likes her…..and Kara said Crystal was good but not great and that it was “too coffeehouse.” Exactly.

Katie Stevens, 17, also chose a weird song for her, Michael Buble’s “Feeling Good.” It wasn’t bad but seriously…..this song? Ellen thought it was good but too conservative of a song choice, and that she wants to see Katie act her age….Simon agreed with Ellen and said the performance even started to be annoying….Kara said it was a bit pitchy and not like Katie, because she has a natural gift….and Randy said that she was pushing so hard that some notes were going sharp, and that the song was “too old” for Katie. Yep, pretty much, but she should be safe.

THE BAD

Will somebody tell me how Ashley Rodriguez made it this far? Ashley did Leona Lewis’ “Happy” and it was pretty bad and pitchy, and she was trying too hard to BE Leona Lewis. Kara said it was a big song to take on but had nice moments, not great moments….Randy said it was a good job but not great compared to the original….Ellen agreed with Randy and said that Ashley needs to step out and be different…Simon pulled no punches, saying it was clumsy, not a good arrangement and that Ashley is “going backwards” and could be in trouble with the voting this week. I totally am with Simon.

24 year old Janell Wheeler was next and she took on Heart’s “What About Love,” another extremely risky choice when you consider, as Kara pointed out, that Ann Wilson has one of the best voices in rock history. Add to the fact that Janell shouldn’t be here to begin with, and you have the recipe for disaster, which is what this performance was. Randy said it was not his favorite song choice, and that it just didn’t work….Ellen said she liked the choice and that Janell “mostly” sang well (really?)…..Simon said Janell gave 100% but delivered 65%….and Kara said it was way too big of a song. The only thing Janell has going for her, beside the fact that she dated Tim Tebow, is that there were a few performances that may have been worse.

Haeley Vaughn was one that I thought should not have made it this far as well, and she also made a weird song choice, The Beatles’ “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.” Haeley had some harsh high notes, and I mean really harsh. Kara said it was technically all over the place but that Haeley was having fun…..Randy said she is unpredictable and had trouble with the high notes…..Ellen said she enjoyed it, but I’m not quite sure she was watching the same thing I was….and Simon said what most of us were thinking–that it was “verging on terrible,” and sounded like a wind-up doll. He then used the word “mess.” There you go. Now why did you guys let her get this far?

Lacey Brown, 24, made it almost this far last season, and this time had her chance to perform for America’s votes. Well, Lacey’s votes will be in direct proportion to the number of family members she has. She did Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” and it was pitchy and weird. Randy said it wasn’t the right choice, and he even used a Simon word–“terrible”…..Ellen said she thought Lacey was a better artist than what she showed last night….Simon called it “depressing” and “indulgent”…..and Kara said Lacey did not hit the high notes with ease. Um, what high notes are in that song?

So there you have it. This was not a great night for “American Idol” and I think the judges really screwed up by letting some of these women in. Of course, I don’t expect the really bad ones will still be there in a month. Of the four I thought were bad, I’m going with Haeley and Lacey to head home, with Ashley a distinct possibility as well. Janell will be safe based on her wine sales clients and the Florida football team voting for her. Tonight it’s the guys, and hopefully they will deliver a better collective performance than the ladies.

See you tomorrow with the recap!

Kevin Nealon: Hey, Will! How are you doing?

Bullz-Eye: Hey, Kevin, good to talk to you!

KN: Yeah, you, too!

BE: So this is not your first time around the block for TBS.

KN: No, it’s not! It’s starting to add up. (Laughs)

BE: So how did you come to hook up with them in the first place?

KN: Oh, gee, let me see if I can remember. It’s been about…oh, I’m guessing eight years now? Seven or eight years. I think they just kind of came to my agents with this offer to host this show, and I always loved funny commercials. You know, one of the reasons – like a lot of people – that I watch the Super Bowl is for the commercials during it, so I was into that. And, also, I went to school for marketing and learned a lot about commercials then, and I was going to be in advertising, but instead I went into comedy. So there’s a big interest there for me.

BE: Do you have a favorite commercial from this most recent special that really stands out?

KN: Well, there are a couple that I like. There’s one…I think it’s for Berlitz Language School, where a guy’s on the phone and he’s trying to find out how to spell “Def Leppard” because he’s doing a tattoo on somebody’s back. And it’s all in subtitles, but the woman goes, “Do you mean ‘deaf’ as in hearing, or ‘death’ as in dying?” He goes, “Um, I’m not sure.” Then he looks to the person’s back, where he’s just made the tattoo “deaf.” That’s a cool one, and there’s another one for Tabasco that’s from Belgium, where they show a streaker running across a soccer field, the cops are chasing him, and then they stop the action and say, “An hour earlier,” and they show him in a restaurant having Tabasco sauce. They kind of back up the whole thing, from the soccer field leading back up to when he used the Tabasco.

BE: So where did you film this special? I know you film them on location in various places.

KN: Oh, yeah, we’ve done them everywhere! Well, not everywhere, but we’ve done them in California, in Paris, New York. This one happens to be in Chicago, which is great, because I love Chicago.

BE: You’ve also still got “Weeds,” which continues to roll along nicely.

KN: Yes, “Weeds” is doing great. We’re in the fifth season, about nine shows into filming, and the second one’s aired already, so that’s going good. People are liking it.

BE: I know you’ve got a couple of high-profile guest stars this season. You’ve had them in the past, but this time you’ve got Alanis Morissette playing an obstetrician.

KN: Yes, she plays the OB/GYN / abortion doctor. (Laughs) And we’ve got Jennifer Jason Leigh playing Nancy Botwin’s sister.

BE: So how have you felt about the way your character has evolved? At the end of last season, you kind of told your wife to bring it on, as it were…

KN: Yeah, well, we’ve seen his whole marriage fall apart from the beginning, and him having a job at the beginning, having some guidance in his life. And now he’s not married, has no real job, and…he’s kind of in a free fall.

BE: Where do you see him going?

KN: Well, he’s definitely going to rock bottom… (Laughs) …especially if he doesn’t alter his course. But hopefully he’ll fall in love, and this woman will straighten him out, or at least try to straighten him out. But he doesn’t usually have a good sense of character when it comes to meeting women.

BE: What led you to write your book, “Yes, You’re Pregnant, But What About Me?” Was it a spontaneous decision?

KN: Well, I had met Judith Regan, who’s a publisher, a couple of years ago, and she had just seen my act and wondered if I’d ever written a book. I said, “No,” and she said, “You should think about writing one.” And I said, “Well, I’ve thought about it, but it just seems like it’d be a lot of work.” But she said, “I’d like to work with you on something,” and for about a year and a half, I was trying to think of something. We’d call each other once in awhile, and finally I came up with…well, I should say that first my wife got pregnant, and then I finally came up with the idea of talking about going through the pregnancy as an older dad-to-be. And then once I started doing that, it kind of stirred up a lot of my own childhood memories and what my parents were like, so it kind of became sort of an autobiography.

BE: Actually, you mentioned your stand-up. Are you still touring around with that? I certainly enjoyed your performance when I saw you in Virginia Beach.

KN: Oh, thanks! Yeah, I’m still doing it. I don’t have any specific tour, but I go out a lot here and there. Since we’re filming “Weeds” right now, I’m not going out much, because I’m stuck in L.A. But come August and the autumn, I’ll be out touring around for a few months.

BE: I know “Aliens in the Attic” is forthcoming, though I didn’t know it until I saw the stand-up in the theater the other day.

KN: Yeah, I have a small part in it. I play the father, and I take my family on a fishing trip and try to reconnect with my son, and I’m joined by my brother, who’s played by Andy Richter, and his family. And the kids have this little run-in with these small, aggressive aliens.

BE: Lots of family fun?

KN: A lot of family fun. We shot that in New Zealand, which is supposed to look like Michigan, I guess.

BE: I hear they look very similar.

KN: Well, it looks just like Michigan, except for all the kiwi trees.

BE: When does your new series, “Glenn Martin, DDS,” premiere?

KN: On August 17th, I think.

BE: Can you tell me a little bit about it?

KN: Yeah, it’s about a family who’s traveling around the country in an RV called the Molar Express. I play Glenn Martin, DDS, and I’m working my practice out of the RV. My wife is played by Catherine O’Hara, and we have a couple of kids. It’s a dysfunctional family, and it’s along the same lines of “Family Guy” and “The Simpsons.” We go to different parts of the country each week and get into a bunch of trouble. It’s Claymation, stop-motion animation, and they really did a good job with it. I was really impressed with the results.

BE: The obligatory “SNL” question: do you have a favorite sketch that didn’t actually make it to air that you still have a fondness for?

KN: I did a character called “Mr. No Depth Perception.” I did it once, and I just could not get the second one on. I kept bringing it up at table read, but it never quite made it to air. That’d be one.

BE: Of the various “SNL” films that you’ve appeared in, do you have any favorites of your cameos?

KN: Do you just mean regular films, or…

BE: Well, I was referring to films starring members of the “SNL” family, like Adam Sandler and…

KN: Oh, okay. Well, it’s mostly Sandler films I’ve done, though I did do a (David) Spade movie. What was that one called?

BE: That’d be “Joe Dirt.”

KN: Ah, yes. (Laughs) I had a small part in that one. But I think my favorite would have to be “Happy Gilmore.”

BE: What’s your favorite project that you’ve worked on that didn’t get the love you thought it deserved?

KN: My first marriage…? (Laughs) Boy, y’know, I’ve written a couple of screenplays, and…in fact, me and Conan O’Brien and Robert Smigel – he used to write for “Saturday Night Live” – and Dana Carvey wrote a script called “Hans and Franz: The Girlyman Dilemma,” and it was going to be co-produced with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and he was going to co-star in it. We had a deal with Sony, we got paid to write it, and it was a musical, but it never got made because…I think Arnold kind of backed out at the last minute because he was getting cold feet because “The Last Action Hero” had come out, where he was parodying himself. But it was a really funny script, and I wish it could’ve seen the light, because I think it would’ve done really well.

BE: What was “Champs” like? I never caught it, but a show produced by Gary David Goldberg and Bill Lawrence…? It seems like it would’ve been great.

KN: Yeah, “Champs” was a really well-written show. It was the show I went to after leaving “Saturday Night Live,” and Gary David Goldberg created it. It was produced by DreamWorks; it was their first sitcom. It was well-written, but I think maybe it had a little too much heart, and it took too long for people to connect into it. But I thought it was good, and it had Tim Busfield, Ed Molinaro, and Paul McCrane. The character I played was interesting. He was going through a divorce and kind of moping around. I wish that had gone. I’ve done a couple of sitcoms that didn’t take.

BE: I remember “Hiller and Diller,” with Richard Lewis.

KN: Yeah, that was another high-profile one. We were in a great timeslot, and it was by Babaloo Mandel and Lowell Ganz, produced by Imagine. So I was good hands both times. I don’t know what happens with thoset hings, if it’s too many cook sin the kitchen or too high expectations, but that one fizzled out after about eight airings, too.

BE: Anything else going on in the near future you’d like to plug?

KN: Yeah, I’ve got a stand-up special that’ll be airing on Showtime in October. It’s called “Now Hear Me Out,” and I’m excited about that. Oh, and I just finished filming a movie with Nick Swardson called “Born to Be a Star,” but I’m not sure when it’ll be out.

BE: I’ll see if I can hunt up a date. (Writer’s note: it’s set for 2010, and the premise of the film sounds funny. Per AceShowbiz.com, “A small-town nerd stumbles upon a family secret, His quiet and demure parents were famous porn stars in the 1970s. This motivates him to leave Northern Iowa for Hollywood, hoping to follow in their footsteps and fulfill his destiny as the biggest adult-film star in the world.”) Great talking to you, Kevin!

KN: Good talking to you, too, Will!