The film takes place in Feudal Japan, where the era of the samurai is approaching its end and a sadistic young nobleman named Lord Naritsugu (Goro Inagaki) lives above the law, raping and killing as he pleases because he’s the half-brother of the current Shogun, Sir Doi (Mikijiro Hira). But even Sir Doi realizes the danger that Naritsugu presents should he succeed him as Japan’s leader, and so he secretly hires a trusted samurai named Shinzaemon (Koji Yakusho) to assassinate him. Though there are few worthy samurai still living within the country, Shinzaemon sets out to recruit a small group of warriors to ambush Naritsugu before he can reach the safe haven of Akashi and be promoted to second-in-command. But that’s easier said than done, especially after Shinzaemon learns that his old sparring partner, Hanbei Kitou (Masachika Ichimura), is Naritsugu’s private bodyguard – a position he holds with honor despite his master’s cruel ways.

And just what kind of perverse behavior is Naritsugu capable of? Fortunately, Miike doesn’t indulge in showing too much, although we do see the remnants of one of his “sex toys” – a limbless woman who’s had her tongue cut out that one of Sir Doi’s senior officials presents to Shinzaemon to convince him to join the cause. Apart from that one grotesque moment, however, the film is pretty tame when compared to Miike’s usual grab bag of depravity, which is a little surprising because Naritsugu makes for such an interesting monster, wonderfully played by Inagaki with a disturbing, child-like curiosity for violence. The rest of the actors aren’t nearly as memorable as him, although screen veterans Yakusho and Ichimura bring a quiet intensity to the long-running rivalry between their characters that makes the long wait for their inevitable face-off worth it.

“13 Assassins” will definitely test your patience, because the first hour crawls by at a snail’s pace, with Miike taking the time to give each samurai a proper introduction. In fact, it can even be downright confusing between the large cast of characters (most of whose names you’ll never remember) and a prologue that flies by so quickly, you sort of have to put the pieces together on your own along the way. Still, it doesn’t present as big of an issue as you initially might think, because the film is essentially just a men on a mission story with one helluva finale. Though there isn’t much in the way of action before the final showdown, the last hour is a wildly entertaining orgy of swords, blood, fire and mud that goes on longer than it probably should, and yet never gets tiresome.

The scope of the battle is simply incredible, and it’s the kind of set piece that would make even guys like Michael Bay walk away from the film speechless. Still, it’s not the only reason for its success. The visuals are gorgeous, with Miike utilizing a muted palette that gives the movie an almost monochromatic look, while the occasional comedic moments help to lighten the mood and prepare the audience for the rousing, stand-up-and-cheer climax that’s just around the corner. It may not carry the same emotional weight as Kurosawa’s samurai classic, but “13 Assassins” is way more fun.

The first was this year’s Cannes Palm D’Or winner, “Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives” from Thai director Apichatpong Weerasethakul, aka “Joe.” This is obviously a film and a director with many ardent admirers, including a lot of online cinephile acquaintances I respect, and I can certainly understand why viewers much more patient than I with the “contemplative cinema” aesthetic would love it.

It’s a sweet-natured and poignant magical realist non-story about a dying man and his family, with many striking individual moments but, by its own design, no narrative tension. Sadly, I seem to have a permanent allergy to the kind of deliberately slow-paced films that focus very intensely on the minutia of daily life with no particular story, even if, as in this case, it features plenty of arresting imagery and involves people who turn into half-monkey creatures and a ghost or two. I only nodded off once, but the gentlemen next to me was pretty much a goner at the 20 minute point. Snoring ensued.

I know as a cinephile I’m supposed to go for this sort of thing, but I’ve learned over and over throughout the years that the neorealist tradition and its filmic relatives rarely work for me. In “Uncle Bonmee,” a young male character takes a shower onscreen for about three minutes of screen time. I kept waiting for Mrs. Bates to enter with a butcher knife because I had no idea why we were watching this guy shower, as refreshing as the experience must have been for his character.

Vastly more up my ally was Takashi Miike’s “13 Assassins.” This samurai yarn has aroused some disappointment from fans of Miike’s past films because it’s a departure from Miike’s usual weirdness. A ridiculously prolific director with 70 films to his credit in a career of just 20 years, Miike is primarily known for a couple of “extreme” hits that I’m probably too squeamish to ever see, “Audition” and “Ichii the Killer,” as well as a rather delightful super-quirky musical-comedy horror film, “The Happiness of the Katakuris,” which I did see and very much enjoyed. The director has made non-transgressive films, including some outright family fare, which this certainly is not, but I gather he’s never made a major production quite this straightforward.

At first, some viewers might expect “13 Assassins” to become a transgressive samurai flick in the usual Miike style. It opens with a character committing a particularly painful form of seppuku. It turns out to be not an excessively graphic depiction, but through the actor’s performance and some disturbing sound effects, we’re definitely made very aware of just what this intentionally painful and gruesome form of ritual suicide involves. Later on, there’s a deliberately disturbing moment involving a naked woman who has been horribly maimed and maltreated.

All of this, however, is set-up for a refreshingly simple plot for a samurai film: a group of ronin are recruited to kill an extremely well-guarded, and extremely evil imperial retainer whose impending promotion and Caligula-esque behavior threatens the very stability of the shogunate. “13 Assassins,” a remake of a 1963 hit I now very much want to see, turns out to be a sort of blackly jolly salute not only to traditional samurai classics like “The Seven Samurai” but the “guys on a mission” genre in general. Indeed, it’s a far more straightforward homage to the subgenre than “Inglourious Basterds” and is often nearly as much as fun. It climaxes with an extremely lengthy and imaginative battle sequence that I think all self-respecting Asian action films will want to see. If this doesn’t  turn out to be Miike’s most widely seen film, I’m not sure if anything makes any sense.

This trailer, by the way, is in Thai and has no subtitles, but never fears, it speaks the international language of gloriously arranged mayhem.

h/t /Film

This trailer isn’t subtitled, but trust me, it’s worth watching.

Regular readers won’t be surprised to see that I’ve assiduously avoided Miike’s notorious “Audition” and “Ichii the Killer” but did see, and very much enjoyed his insane but actually rather restrained musical horror-comedy, “The Happiness of the Katakuris.” I think this might be my second Miike.