When all the dust had cleared, all that was left were fake smiles of the losers and P.R. people promoting why you should see nominated films yet again. Nevertheless, there were awards that should’ve been handed out for only the best of reasons.
1. Best actress in a bout with gravity – Jennifer Lawrence. She could beat out a dozen teens trying to kill her for food in the “Hunger Games,” but she couldn’t walk in a dress without eating Oscar stairs. She got the last laugh taking home Best Actress for “Silver Linings Playbook,” but I guess being hot and coordinated was too much to ask.
2. Best Actress who left her headlights on – Anne Hathaway. Anne made an impression that only Mr. Skin could truly love. The only thing perkier than her upper chest region was the 9 year-old in the audience who probably asked her parents “Was she good enough to be the main actress likes me?
3. Best Host who was damned no matter what – Seth MacFarlane. Word is the senior members in the audience thought he was crude and unfunny. Of course, he got to be clowned by the 81 year-old William Shatner and made out with 66 year-old Sally Field. You’d think he’d get free AARP membership just for that alone. Check out the reaction shots from his “We saw your boobs” song and you’ll see why he needed an escort to his car.
4. Actor who will be referred to as “Mr. Meryl Streep” – Daniel Day Lewis. Winning an Oscar is great. Winning twice is exceptional, but winning three is just showing off. The uber-method actor is the Phil Jackson of acting right now. He’s one superhero role away from making people hating him for just being that good.
5. And the Who can get fired on Oscar night goes to…. – The Onion employee who tweeted a highly offensive comment about Quvenzhane Wallis. Quvenzhane is 9, cute and was nominated for Best Actress. The twittersphere unleashed their fury at the Onion and they rightfully suspended/reprimanded the employee in question. He or she is anonymous now, but people are already calling for their identity to get an additional pound of flesh (with dipping sauce and a biscuit).
God bless you, Hollywood.