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Dancing with the Stars 9.12 — Round Six

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Last week, one of the stronger dancers was eliminated because America likes to reward inadequacy. It’s troubling to a new viewer such as myself who is more interested in the show’s competitive aspects. When Natalie Coughlin got the boot, I realized this show couldn’t be both entertaining and fair. If the producers wanted to acknowledge talent, the judges would decide the outcomes. Voters calling in currently affect half the decision, and this was enough to eliminate Natalie Coughlin before a weaker dancer like Kelly Osbourne. It was sad and stupid. The judges looked betrayed. They had probably expected Natalie to face Mya in the finals. Now, because America consistently roots for the underdog, that won’t happen. The show should lower the influence on the voter’s percentage and reduce the number from 50 percent to 25 percent. Don’t even tell the viewers. Just do it. I can’t believe Michael Irvin is still in this competition. I mean, what is wrong you people? You really wanted to watch him dance over Natalie? Give me a break.

Nine couples remain. At this rate, we should be done by the Super Bowl.


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Dancing with the Stars 9.10 — Round Five

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My hometown team just suffered an excruciating loss to the Philadelphia Phillies. This day started out wonderful and now I’m contemplating turning on the heater, sipping some Jameson, putting on a Sam Cooke record, and drifting off to sleep. I’m depressed and I need a remedy. Should I turn to “Dancing with the Stars” for support? Of course I shouldn’t, but it’s about to get started so I have no choice.

I have very little patience right now. Now that I’m familiar with the show, I seriously doubt that Aaron Carter is going to raise my spirits. Len Goodman better be funny and Joanna Krupa better be wearing something illegal. Ladies and gentleman, it’s “Dancing with the Stars!”


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Dancing with the Stars 9.9 — Round Four: Results Show

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All the women are safe tonight. That goes without saying. Before last night’s episode, the only female contestant really in jeopardy was Melissa Joan Hart. But look at her now. Len Goodman has asked her and partner Mark Ballas to once again perform the Charleston. Melissa surprised everyone last night, finally improving after weeks of sub-par dancing.

I’m predicting either Chuck Lidell or Michael Irvin will get the boot tonight. I mean, who else would it be?

I didn’t even know Shakira was still around. She looks great, glaring and smirking at the audience. I would never listen to this song on my own time, but I would watch the music video on mute.


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Dancing with the Stars 9.8 — Round Four

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I’ve been watching every game from the MLB playoffs and am in the mood for some more competition! Will tonight’s episode of “Dancing with the Stars” be just as exciting? Probably not, but at least we’ll be treated to a laugh or two, won’t we?

This evening, each of the 11 remaining couples will have to perform a new style of dance. Given that it’s the fourth week, nobody should stink up the place.

Chuck Lidell with Anna Trebunskaya (two step)

It’s just silly. I don’t know how long America will let Lidell skate by with these sloppy performances.

Melissa Joan Hart with Mark Ballas (Charleston)

Good. I thougt they were going to keep that black and white effect on the entire time. Melissa is much improved this week. Her feet seem to glide rather than stutter. They just got a score of 28. I didn’t expect that given their performance last week.


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Dancing with the Stars 9.7 — Round Three: Results Show

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Earlier, I predicted that either Debi Mazar, Michael Irvin, or Chuck Lidell would be eliminated on tonight’s results show. My statement sent shock waves throughout the Internet landscape, leading to vicious emails calling for my dismissal from the Single Men’s Dancing With The Stars Blogging Alliance. Listen, sometimes you have to be the bad guy.

I see bodies gyrating on my screen. Let’s do this.


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Dancing with the Stars 9.6 — Round Three

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During last week’s results show, Kathy Ireland and partner Tony Dovolani were sent home, leaving 13 couples remaining. I’m not too familiar with other competitions such as “American Idol,” but this new season of “Dancing with the Stars” began with 16 contestants — isn’t that a bit much? I originally thought two teams would be sent home each week. Well, that’s not the case at all. First, there’s a two-hour performance show, where nobody is eliminated. Then, the next day, there’s a results show, where one celebrity is retired. So we have thirteen weeks to go? Man, fans of this show must really be fans. I give you guys credit. If it weren’t for the female professional dances — courtesy of exotic nations around the globe — I’d be watching re-runs of something right now. I take that back. Len Goodman, my favorite rotten apple, is worth the price of admission alone.

And after missing all of last week, he’s back at the judges table tonight! We’re in for a good laugh or two. Apparently, tonight’s show is Latin-influenced, so I’m expecting some dances unfit for television.

Mark Dacascos with Lacey Schwimmer

Ah, the rumba. I actually did a paper on this dance in college for a music class. Still, I might as well have ditched every day since I don’t recognize what’s happening on my screen. It’s looked pretty fluid to me, but the judges want more personality as Dacascos looked like he was focusing too hard.

Joanna Krupa with Derek Hough

Jesus, who is this girl? Very sexy. I hope the rest of tonight’s dances have this amount of energy. This one had the intensity, and the judges rewarded them in kind.

Mya with Dmitry Chaplin

I have a pool going with rest of the staff around here and I’ve picked Mya to win this entire competition. Although I’m lying about the pool, I do think Mya has looked the best so far. Right now, she’s tearing it up, performing what I think is another rumba. This dance had chemistry, sensuality, and flexibility (yeah, you know). They received a score of 27, the highest that’s been given this season.


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Dancing with the Stars 9.5 — Round Two: Results Show

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I’ve got a feeling tonight is the end of the line for either Kathy Ireland or Chuck Lidell. Kathy, because she hasn’t progressed since Week One and Chuck, because the larger American public doesn’t connect with him. Plus, you know his MMA buddies aren’t flooding the lines with their votes. Kelly Osbourne and Tom DeLay are on thin ice, but I think they’ll survive this elimination round.

Baz Lurhmann is sitting in for Len Goodman once again and he’s asked Mya and Dmitry to perform their Jive from the night before. Watching Mya, it’s clear she has more natural dancing ability than any of the other celebrities. What song is this, by the way? The female voice-over sounds like Kim Gordon from Sonic Youth.


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Dancing with the Stars 9.4 — Round Two

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Along with millions of high school girls, single women, wives, and complacent husbands, I’m currently in front of my television awaiting the newest episode of “Dancing with the Stars.” I find it more enjoyalbe to write about this type of show in the moment, rather than trying to piece a recap together the day after airing. Isn’t “Dancing with the Stars” more exciting than thought-provoking, anyway? Oh, I see lots of tan flesh. Here we go.

“Moulin Rouge” director Baz Lurhmann is serving as a guest judge tonight and the live audience is thrilled. Unfortunately, my current favorite elderly Brit, judge Len Goodman, is absent. I hope he’s not gone long as he’s the funniest part of the show.

Joanna Krupa with Derek Hough

This performance, the first of the night, was pretty sloppy. I didn’t know “jive” was also a dance — I thought it was just a type of trash-talking. Funny enough, judge Bruno Tonioli says the dance is supposed to be “clean.” Joanna’s rendition definitely was not. Wait…what’s with the high scores?

Natalie Coughlin with Alex Mazo

Hell yeah. The couple is dancing to “I Want You Back,” made famous by the Jackson 5. I love this song. Natalie Coughlin is, without a doubt, the cutest celebrity on the show. Against “I Want You Back,” I thought this dance looked pretty fun.

Chuck Lidell with Anna Trebunskaya

Chuck Lidell and a cute Russian woman dancing the Tango to “Seven Nation Army” by the White Stripes. I’m positive this will never happen again on television.


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“Dancing with the Stars” kicks off new season with three-night premiere

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Although “Dancing with the Stars” is already in its ninth season, I’ve somehow avoided watching a complete episode during its five-year run. Girls I know, my mother, and friends’ parents have had the show on in my presence, but I instinctively ignored it. Inexplicably, I’ve always lumped reality programs and reality competition in the same category, but after watching the first episode of this new season, I realize that was unfair. “Dancing with the Stars,” “American Idol,” and “America’s Got Talent” are not the same as “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila,” “Rock of Love with Bret Michaels,” or “I Love New York.” Those last three are shows my friends and I define as “trash TV.” We, the audience, are laughing at the contestants, simply hoping to witness their humiliation. On the other hand, “Dancing with the Stars” exudes a genuine sense of fun. Celebrities train — rather vigorously — with attractive dancers and later perform in front of quirky judges. Pretty safe television, but it’s a formula perfect for a broad American demographic. The judges (Len Goodman, Bruno Tonioli, Carrie Ann Inaba) and hosts (Tom Bergeron, Samantha Harris) keep things fun, professional, and competitive. So, here we go. Written below is one young man’s interpretations of the show every female present in his life has previously forced upon him. The new season is in the midst of a “three-night-premiere,” but will return next Monday at 8:00 PM to its weekly time slot.


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