Only two more shows until we have a new champion. I tend to think of it as the first championship, since I had never watched “Dancing with the Stars” until this season. Has there been another contestant on this show as good as Mya, the R&B singer about to walk away with the mirrorball? I doubt it. She really is a gifted dancer and I can’t imagine any celebrity from past seasons that match her ability.

My list of crushes growing up is hazy at best. I remember thinking Larisa Oleynik from “The Secret World of Alex Mack” was very cute. She may have been my first crush. At some point around this time, I saw Pras’ “Ghetto Superstar” music video. The song featured Ol’ Dirty Bastard and Mya, a young singer with a soothing voice and, in my eyes, the perfect face. Now its 2009 and she still looks great — now she’s even a terrific dancer.

Donny and Kelly will have to be phenomenal tonight if they have any chance at winning this thing.

We are down to the final four couples and I’m already fantasizing about how I’ll spend my Monday nights after they crown a champion. Will I take up bowling? Will I go on a weekly jog? Will I practice more guitar scales? Or will I just go to bed earlier? These are my fantasies.

To the delight of millions, a new season of “Dancing with the Stars” will probably begin shortly after this one. With my luck, next season will have twenty “stars.”

Each of the four remaining couples will perform three dances tonight. This has never been done in the history of the show. Kelly, Mya, and Joanna should be fine given their ages. I’m just concerned about Donny. He always looks exhausted after one dance — I don’t know how he can handle three. He’ll be able to memorize the routines, but his execution might be a tad grueling during his final dance.

We are down to five couples, producing a lopsided quarterfinal. One of these couples will be exiled from the ballroom tomorrow night. I’m not positive what route the elimination process takes from that point on, but I hope it’s respectful towards my patience. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care who won this thing, but I don’t want to find out in 2010. I admire those who have watched every episode this season. What were the producers thinking when they decided to start with 16 celebrities? It’s far too much dancing, most of which is an eyesore. Still, you guys stay strong, knowing a mildly interesting celebrity such as Aaron Carter or Joanna Krupa will win something called the “mirrorball.” Obviously, we don’t consider their “star power” at this point. We just want to see a fun performance. Considering those that remain, I think the judges and America nearly got it right.

Each couple will perform two dances tonight because, well, there’s a hefty time slot to fill. It is more of a challenge, however, to master multiple dances in one week, so the better contestants should prevail.

I wish there was a Laker game on, but hey, it’s “Dancing with the Stars!”

This blog was recently voted “Blog Least Likely to Inspire Anyone to Enter the Dancing Profession” and I have to say that, although I gave myself the award, the recognition is well-deserved. For three hours each week (including the results show), I plop myself in front of the TV and am reaffirmed that I will never learn how to dance. Aaron Carter — who has a frightening dedication to this show — is now in the seventh week. He still isn’t all that great. I couldn’t spend two months on a new hobby without seeing much progress. Like mastering chess or completing Guitar Hero, life is too short to waste time on certain things. (I apologize to all future Bobby Fischers and professional gamers everywhere.) Put me in a ballroom dancing class and I’m the guy leaving in a huff because he keeps tripping over his own feet.

Do I like dancing? Yes I do — after four shots of Jameson with Paul Simon on the juke box, which is surrounded by hip-looking girls in leggings. Can I dance? Of course I can — in my own mind. My feet usually receive the messages three steps too late. However, what this produces is a dance so bad and inappropriate that it is spectacular. So why learn to ballroom dance, when I’m already perfect at dancing horribly? Exactly.

Lord knows I’ll meet a woman who demands I learn the waltz, bolero, and Argentine tango. When that day comes, I’ll be on “Dancing with Stars.”

And now, your favorite blog about this show…

Last week, one of the stronger dancers was eliminated because America likes to reward inadequacy. It’s troubling to a new viewer such as myself who is more interested in the show’s competitive aspects. When Natalie Coughlin got the boot, I realized this show couldn’t be both entertaining and fair. If the producers wanted to acknowledge talent, the judges would decide the outcomes. Voters calling in currently affect half the decision, and this was enough to eliminate Natalie Coughlin before a weaker dancer like Kelly Osbourne. It was sad and stupid. The judges looked betrayed. They had probably expected Natalie to face Mya in the finals. Now, because America consistently roots for the underdog, that won’t happen. The show should lower the influence on the voter’s percentage and reduce the number from 50 percent to 25 percent. Don’t even tell the viewers. Just do it. I can’t believe Michael Irvin is still in this competition. I mean, what is wrong you people? You really wanted to watch him dance over Natalie? Give me a break.

Nine couples remain. At this rate, we should be done by the Super Bowl.

My hometown team just suffered an excruciating loss to the Philadelphia Phillies. This day started out wonderful and now I’m contemplating turning on the heater, sipping some Jameson, putting on a Sam Cooke record, and drifting off to sleep. I’m depressed and I need a remedy. Should I turn to “Dancing with the Stars” for support? Of course I shouldn’t, but it’s about to get started so I have no choice.

I have very little patience right now. Now that I’m familiar with the show, I seriously doubt that Aaron Carter is going to raise my spirits. Len Goodman better be funny and Joanna Krupa better be wearing something illegal. Ladies and gentleman, it’s “Dancing with the Stars!”

All the women are safe tonight. That goes without saying. Before last night’s episode, the only female contestant really in jeopardy was Melissa Joan Hart. But look at her now. Len Goodman has asked her and partner Mark Ballas to once again perform the Charleston. Melissa surprised everyone last night, finally improving after weeks of sub-par dancing.

I’m predicting either Chuck Lidell or Michael Irvin will get the boot tonight. I mean, who else would it be?

I didn’t even know Shakira was still around. She looks great, glaring and smirking at the audience. I would never listen to this song on my own time, but I would watch the music video on mute.

I’ve been watching every game from the MLB playoffs and am in the mood for some more competition! Will tonight’s episode of “Dancing with the Stars” be just as exciting? Probably not, but at least we’ll be treated to a laugh or two, won’t we?

This evening, each of the 11 remaining couples will have to perform a new style of dance. Given that it’s the fourth week, nobody should stink up the place.

Chuck Lidell with Anna Trebunskaya (two step)

It’s just silly. I don’t know how long America will let Lidell skate by with these sloppy performances.

Melissa Joan Hart with Mark Ballas (Charleston)

Good. I thougt they were going to keep that black and white effect on the entire time. Melissa is much improved this week. Her feet seem to glide rather than stutter. They just got a score of 28. I didn’t expect that given their performance last week.

Earlier, I predicted that either Debi Mazar, Michael Irvin, or Chuck Lidell would be eliminated on tonight’s results show. My statement sent shock waves throughout the Internet landscape, leading to vicious emails calling for my dismissal from the Single Men’s Dancing With The Stars Blogging Alliance. Listen, sometimes you have to be the bad guy.

I see bodies gyrating on my screen. Let’s do this.

During last week’s results show, Kathy Ireland and partner Tony Dovolani were sent home, leaving 13 couples remaining. I’m not too familiar with other competitions such as “American Idol,” but this new season of “Dancing with the Stars” began with 16 contestants — isn’t that a bit much? I originally thought two teams would be sent home each week. Well, that’s not the case at all. First, there’s a two-hour performance show, where nobody is eliminated. Then, the next day, there’s a results show, where one celebrity is retired. So we have thirteen weeks to go? Man, fans of this show must really be fans. I give you guys credit. If it weren’t for the female professional dances — courtesy of exotic nations around the globe — I’d be watching re-runs of something right now. I take that back. Len Goodman, my favorite rotten apple, is worth the price of admission alone.

And after missing all of last week, he’s back at the judges table tonight! We’re in for a good laugh or two. Apparently, tonight’s show is Latin-influenced, so I’m expecting some dances unfit for television.

Mark Dacascos with Lacey Schwimmer

Ah, the rumba. I actually did a paper on this dance in college for a music class. Still, I might as well have ditched every day since I don’t recognize what’s happening on my screen. It’s looked pretty fluid to me, but the judges want more personality as Dacascos looked like he was focusing too hard.

Joanna Krupa with Derek Hough

Jesus, who is this girl? Very sexy. I hope the rest of tonight’s dances have this amount of energy. This one had the intensity, and the judges rewarded them in kind.

Mya with Dmitry Chaplin

I have a pool going with rest of the staff around here and I’ve picked Mya to win this entire competition. Although I’m lying about the pool, I do think Mya has looked the best so far. Right now, she’s tearing it up, performing what I think is another rumba. This dance had chemistry, sensuality, and flexibility (yeah, you know). They received a score of 27, the highest that’s been given this season.