24 8.18: You’re with stupid now

First, let’s meet the two newest members of of the “24” cast:

– Jim Ricker (Michael Madsen), an ‘I can get things’ kind of guy, off the grid and on the wrong side of a favor to Jack. Official “24” nickname: Mr. Blonde, of course.
– Mark Bledsoe (D.B. Sweeney), a ridiculously mustachioed private security agent who isn’t afraid to dabble in torture. Official “24” nickname: Toepick. My wife came up with that one, as you might imagine.

Welcome to the show, gentlemen. Now please, D.B., shave that damn thing on your face.

Do you want to know how busy Michael Madsen is? His appearance on “24” is already listed as the 34th most recent acting gig he’s done. That man’s a machine.

There is still something about President I.M. Weasels’ motives that bothers me. I’m convinced he still has at least one card, and maybe two, up his sleeve. He can’t just be looking for an image makeover, because he wouldn’t resort to extortion – poorly planned extortion, at that – in order to do it…would he? For as much as he’s supposedly playing the hardliner with the Russians, he’s also protecting them and himself by negotiating Starbuck’s release into Toepick’s custody, willing to live with the consequences in the event that “mistakes are made.” No, the extortion actually looks like a cover for something worse, possibly that he’s in league with the Russians, or a group that stands to take advantage of a post-treaty Russia. I don’t think we’ve seen the full weaselosity of Logan yet, which is saying something.

On the Starbuck front, something deliciously awesome just presented itself as a possibility: Jack and Buffy spring Starbuck, and the three work together to blow the lid on the conspiracy. Now, who saw THAT coming after Starbuck revealed herself to be a double agent? I thought her story ended with a bullet to the head, fired by her fiance. Now, they look like the “24” version of The Losers, government spooks trying to clear their name. Hopefully, this will turn out better than the movie.


“Well, self, are you ready to commit high crimes against the government?” “Bitch, please.”

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24 8.18: What price paradise

Nickname change: President Buck Buck Brawwwwwwwwk will now be referred to by his original nickname of President I.M. Weasel. Because holy fuck, man, he is the sleaziest character this show has ever seen.

The thing is, I actually loved his scene with Novakovich, where he put the ambassador over a barrel and said, “Get back to the table, or you’re done.” It was vintage Charles Logan, done with a nod and that greasy half-smile of his. However, now that Jack Bauer nearly blew the lid off of everything using good old-fashioned detective work – with no small amount of intimidation – we learn that Logan’s plan, in full, was as follows:

1) Blackmail the Russian government into accepting the treaty
2) Tell President Taylor nothing about how he persuaded them to change their minds
3) Hope that his secret never gets out

Huh. I’m not sure he thought this through.


“So can you actually feel the weasel rays I give off when I’m this close?” “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my soul screaming.”

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24 8.17: Bury my lovely…again


Someone damaged Renee Walker’s perfect breasts.

Two weeks ago, I said:

I was sure that Jackie was going to get picked off though, but it’s too soon for a dramatic death scene like that. That one comes in Hour 23. Book it, Dan-O.

This week, I get punched in the face. Actually, this was worse than a punch to the face – it was a full-scale mugging. My beloved Crazy Jackie, picked off by some douchenozzle Russian hit man. These guys haven’t meant shit to the plot for half the season, and now the Russians are suddenly the phantom menace. Fuck that.

Can you tell I’m unhappy about the latest development?


“I’ve lived a full life, and these are the eyes/breasts that I want you to remember.”

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24 8.15-16: I would die 4 U

In the interest of full disclosure, you should know that I’m writing this while hopped up on Oxycodone. And let me tell you, it’s awesome. The only catch is that the line between sleepy bliss and blinding pain is a thin one. So here goes nothing. If my writing goes off the rails…it’ll look like every other week! (*rim shot*)

Starbuck has finally been found out, and her demand to deal only with Jack struck me as curious, given his talents for persuading people to talk. You could tell by the way that she made the demand that she’s following orders, and that her employers have experience with him. I’ll still hold on to Alan Wilson as a possibility, and God help them if they hold Kim and her daughter hostage as a last resort. After the things that happened tonight, that would totally suck to have it undone by Kim, again.

Man, Samir’s people can act fast, can’t they? He’s a dozen blocks away from driving into an ambush, and is able to get the call from Starbuck and relay that information to the drop car in time to get into the one place they can make the switch. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but…it’s a hell of a thing, don’t you think?


Pity you didn’t get to die with your boots on, Slumdog.

Let’s get straight to the ending, shall we? While I don’t like seeing good guys die, it was nice to see “24” finally act like a show that has nothing to lose. Because hey, let’s face it, they don’t have anything to lose, so why not kill Slumdog President? And the thing is, from the moment Jack broke into that apartment, I had a bad feeling. I knew that their audio wizard had picked up an internet broadcast of Samir rather than Samir in the flesh, but I thought that it would turn out to be the wrong room, not the right room but much too late. Oh well, same result either way, I guess: Slumdog’s dead. Long live Slumdog.

So now what?

All of Samir’s men are dead, or close to it. He has no nuclear rods, and he’s killed the President. We have eight hours left, and nothing to play for. Starbuck’s deal was only good if they recovered Slumdog alive. Since that didn’t happen, I’d quit negotiating with her and put her alone in a windowless room with Buffy so he can hate fuck her to death. The Russians and President Buck Buck Brawwwwwwk look as though they’re being put in play, but it seems too little too late. I’m dying to hear the explanation for why Logan’s not dead though, since the last time we saw him, he was flatlining in the back of an ambulance.

All right, the meds are wearing off. It’s time to wrap this up. I usually finish with a video, but Prince is a right bastard about YouTube. See you next week, and hopefully this drug stuff is far behind me.


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24 8.14: Our time is running out

And it’s official: this will be the last season of Premium Hollywood’s “24” blog.

Did you like how I made Fox’s decision to kill the show all about me?

Truth be told, I’m relieved. Ask anyone who blogs about a show and they will tell you that the single-best way to ruin a show for someone is to write about it. Even really good shows like “Lost” get exhausting after a while (biggest, mythology, ever), but “24,” frankly, has been spinning its wheels for years now, and I know that my frustration with the show reflected in my writing. I really did try to make this as entertaining as possible, but that can be difficult when all you want to do is say “Fuck this show,” and hit Publish.

Now that I know it’s over (ooh, another potential blog title), though, I plan to have as much fun watching this show as possible, even if Starbuck is the sorriest excuse for a mole in TV history. And fingers crossed that I get another interview with Annie “Crazy Jackie” Wersching before they call it a day.


Insert your own gun joke here.

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