24 7.22: If you build it, Kim Bauer will fall into it

Previously, on the “24” Blog:

Now watch us find out next week that it was Hillary’s contract killer that blew up the car. Wouldn’t that suck? I mean really, how boring, how logical.

Damn, damn, damn. I work up this super-fun conspiracy theory, only to discover that the reason they kept Janis around is for one last catfight with Chloe. Ugh. Even after Janis had won the battle, I pumped my fist in the air when Chloe told her that she’s not the person you come to for validation. God, I could kiss her. I’d still like to know why Janis was the one helping in Jonas Brother’s transfer, though. Was it just to get her some additional screen time? Or to mess with bloggers like me? I’m still holding out hope that there is still a chance that she’s a mole, but I realize that it’s not very likely.

I am amused, though, at how completely and totally fucked Hillary Clinton is at this point. There is practically a trail of bodies that follows her wherever she goes. Even Old Yeller is susipcious of her – which surely began the moment he shared an elevator with her after she’d just had sex, as one Mr. Codding astutely observed – to the point where he called Warden Norton to see if the digital recorder stashed in the office was still running. How awesome was Norton’s response: “I’ll be there within the half-hour.” It’s SIX IN THE MORNING, but Warden is both ready and willing to exact his revenge. How about that, the system works after all.

I was glad to see the whole canister thing get resolved – man, how about that beatdown Jack gave Tony? – but as Jibraan locates the bomb and begins to scramble out of the station, I’m thinking to myself, “Leave the bomb inside the subway car and tell the authorities to close the goddamn doors.” It wouldn’t be airtight, but once you’ve scared everyone off, it wouldn’t matter. Hell, John McClane would have thrown it down the subway tunnel, then shot it to pieces. Dunno, it just seemed like overkill to me.

“And Iiiiiiiiii-eeeeee-iiiiiiiiii-eeeee-iiiiiiiii will always, love youuuu-hooooooooo-ohhhhhhhhh…”

All right, Kim Bauer fans, it is time for you to come to Jesus. Why is it, exactly, that you like her so much? Because she’s cute? No question, Elisha Cuthbert is a lovely woman, but Kim Bauer is death incarnate. Look at how they handled those scenes of her at the airport. It was both clumsy and convenient at the same time. She’s suspicious of the federal agent – here’s an idea: have the agent walk up to Kim and tell her that Jack asked him to look after her, and get Daddy on the phone if she’s unsure – and then she just happens to befriend the two people assigned to abduct her? Meanwhile, the male goon, who’s the worst actor ever, kills the agent in the bathroom without anyone walking in on them, which is ridiculous on two levels. For one, that agent had a gun. Grab it and shoot the guy! The other problem with that scene is that it’s rush hour at a DC airport. Those bathrooms aren’t empty that time of day, ever. So now Jack has to break Tony (his smirk once Jack hopped in the van is some of the finest acting Carlos Bernard’s ever done) out of FBI custody again in order to save Danger-prone Daphne for the seventeenth time in the show’s history.

Kim Bauer is not worth this much trouble.

Remember, the girl of a thousand disguises can only hear Jack, which means she can’t see him speak to someone else using sign language or write a note saying “HELP ME!” Ugh. So much conflict, so little need. The only way they can make up for this is if the bad actor goon is strangled to death by a cougar trap, then shot by a guy who just held a standoff at a Kwik-E-Mart. Seriously, resolving the bomb attack two hours early was a severe tactical mistake. Now we have to pretend to care whether Kim Bauer lives to see the final clock tick, and I gotta be honest, I don’t care what happens to her. The rest of the time will be spent covering the downfall of either Hillary Clinton, Madame Prez, or possibly both of them, which would be a gross injustice to the show’s finest President since David Palmer. Can’t say that either of those prospects excites me. Sigh.

  

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24 7.20: Baby did a bad, bad thing

I just realized something: “24” has been liberal in the past with product placement shots of Ford F150s barreling through the streets of Los Angeles, but not once can I recall anyone on the show drinking anything that would either help with either hydration or the fact that it’s four in the morning and all concerned have to be freaking exhausted. No coffee, no soda, no Red Bull…no way, dude. All I know is that if I’m Chloe, I’ve got a Big Gulp filled with Diet Pepsi next to my keyboard (and a flask of Jack Daniel’s in my top drawer to slip into it once the situation is officially under control). It’s a natural fit in terms of realistic product placement. The Red Bull, that is, not the Jack.

It was a rather atypical “24” episode in that only one man died, but that man was the man. Godspeed, Jonas Brother. You will be missed. (Loved his line about his new alias of Robert Tippett: “Sounds like a breed of dog.”) Of course, I knew that he was going to bite it even after Hillary Clinton realized the limits of her self-absorbed righteousness, because that’s just what happens on this show. But here’s my working theory on this, and I don’t think this is a stretch: Hillary’s contract killer didn’t do the job. Let’s face it, they don’t kill people pro bono. It’s too risky. No, I think the shadowy company with whom Jonas was in league orchestrated that hit, but for them to pull it off, there must be one more person on the inside that could have provided them with Jonas’ travel arrangements.

Janis.

“I worked at a box factory? Really, that’s my new back story? Man, you guys suck at this. Oh well, it doesn’t matter, because I’ll be dead in five minutes anyway.”

Let’s examine the circumstantial evidence. She can monitor everything the Feds are doing to find the weapon. (This would also explain why she was so paranoid about Billy Walsh earlier in the day.) She whines about racial profiling and Big Brother, which is a great cover for a military contractor’s informant. She knew Jonas Brother’s itinerary, because we saw her in his room shortly before he was released. But most importantly, from a storytelling perspective, her character has nothing else to offer at this point. Chloe’s doing all the tech work. Janis’ role for the last two hours has been to impede the investigation with her righteous bleating. Hello, mole!

Now watch us find out next week that it was Hillary’s contract killer that blew up the car. Wouldn’t that suck? I mean really, how boring, how logical.

I was impressed with the way the brother of the framed Muslim shattered the mirror and dispatched the hostile in about 9.8 milliseconds. That was a pretty dope move for a civilian. Hmmm…

It’s clear to me that Hillary Clinton is going to get her ass handed to her before all is said and done. The only question is for which one of the many offenses she committed today. There is a quote from her in the scenes for next week’s episode (cover your eyes, Mr. Paulsen) about how the Justice Department is inquiring about her whereabouts, but if that’s true, then it must be looking into time she spent outside of the White House. Does the camera phone sex video come back into play? And maybe they’ll seize the opportunity to portray a leaked sex tape as a bad thing? (Seriously, sex tapes are calculated career moves for C-list celebrities these days. How fucked up is that? End of rant.) Can’t wait to see the look on Madame Prez’s face when she’s forced to watch that puppy. The only way that scene would be better is if afterward, she bends Hillary over her knee and spanks her like the insolent child that she is. Hey, a blogger can dream.

  

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24 7.20: Synchronize your watches, there’s still time to kill

Hi everyone, I’m back. So, what did I miss? (*thinks about using emoticon, decides to move on*)

Thanks to the many people that sent in quotes for the captions. They were all quite entertaining, though the one of Jack and Senator Dumbass supposedly looking at a woman with a horse was easily my favorite. It was crude, yes, but smartly written. Nicely done, Jay. And now, back to the blog…

The people that write Entertainment Weekly’s “In the Bullseye” section love Sprague Grayden and her Hillary Clinton character. I want whatever drugs they’re taking, because she makes me craaaaaaaaaaazy. When is someone going to finally grab her by the scruff of her neck and say, “This isn’t about you, Olivia”? Nothing about her character rings true to me. She’s a clock killer, a device the writers have installed when they need to manufacture a little conflict. Jonas Brother may be a sociopath, but he’s a hell of a lot more fun to watch. She’s both a pain and a bore. Kill her now, please.

On the plus side, we get Chloe back, and not a moment too soon. Not even Janis’ own people seem thrilled to have her on staff at this point, as she took verbal dress-downs from both Bauers Jack and Jacqueline (Chloe resorted to her usual passive-aggressive snide remark). I pictured GiantGary waving his arms in the air like he was at a Sunday revival in the deep south when Jack laid into Janis. Even though he said David Palmer instead of Allison Taylor, he still PWND her. I guess I don’t understand Janis’ reluctance to use CTU’s server. It’s a government database, and they need to find a bioweapon. What’s the problem?

“Can I count on you to do the right thing?” “If by that you mean completely fuck up everything you put in motion for my own selfish interests, then I’m your girl, Mom.”

Lastly, we must discuss Tony Almeida’s sudden transformation into Woody Harrelson from “Natural Born Killers.” Dude popped three people this week alone, which has to be a record for him. With his official Dead Feds count at three (*pours out a 40 for Dudley Do-Right*), I think it’s safe to say that there is no way that Tony is still undercover as the dude playing the dude disguised as a bad dude, if that makes any sense. He has to be bad and nothing but bad. Otherwise, he would have wounded those agents tonight and only knocked Larry out. The only question is just how far Jack shoves his foot up Tony’s ass in the final minutes. After Kim saves Jack from the Howard Hughes bioweapon, of course. “It’s the way of the future, the way of the future…”

All right, one more thought. I found it very curious that that shots were fired in Tony’s Sleaz-E Motel room, and yet that did not arouse the suspicion of management. You have to think that at least one guest at that hotel is not a wanted fugitive and would be spooked, right? Maybe they’re all sound sleepers. It is three in the morning, after all.

  

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24 7.19: Nothing good happens after 2:00 AM

Hello, my fellow Bauerphiles. Did you like tonight’s episode? Let’s hear your thoughts, your hopes and fears. And if you have a minute, why don’t we go somewhere only we know…I’m telling you, fatherhood has turned me into a giant sap.

But enough about my girliness. I have some more photos that need captioning. Do you feel funny? Well, do ya, punk? Let’s see it.

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I will announce the winners for each caption in a special blog next week. Tune in next week, dammit.

  

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24 7.18: Well, that just happened

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m writing this post on Wednesday, April 8, because I do not want to leave you good people hanging while I disappear for a couple weeks to spend some time with my new kiddo, hence the generic title for this week’s blog. The downside to taking next week off is that just yesterday I interviewed Jacqueline Bauer herself, the lovely Annie Wersching, and she said she was going to check out my blog this week. D’oh! Please come back in two weeks, Annie. I swear I’ll make it worth your while.

Update: Holy fucking shit, I picked a bad week to go on baby leave. Tony killed Dudley! Nooooooooo!

In the meantime, faithful “24” blog readers, let’s have some fun. I’ve attached some “episodic photos” from various episodes of this season’s “24.” Your assignment is to come up with a killer caption for each.

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This one’s for you, GiantGary…

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I will announce the winners for each picture when I return on April 27. In the meantime, we will post another blog entry – and more photos, yay! – the following Monday night to give you guys the chance to vent about that week’s episode. Have fun!

  

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