 I think I would have preferred that the DHL carrier just punched me in the face rather than deliver this to me.
“Witless Protection,” in theaters February 22. It is your civic duty to make sure this movie makes as little money as possible. Filed under: Movies and Actors and Humor and Movie Comedies and Horror Movies and Scare of the Day Comments: 1 Comment Digg this! Add to Del.icio.us |
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It’s a long scary day ’round my place, as I celebrate the final Scare of the Day for October by working my way through MGM’s awesome new box dedicated to that legendary scare-master, Vincent Price. I’ve actually been tackling one or two of these films as I’ve had the time, but I wanted to make sure they were all knocked out by the end of the day, so rather than wait ’til the wee hours to get this thing posted, I’m just going to update it as I go. I’ll make the acknowledgment right off the bat, however, that this is no way intended to be a comprehensive collection of all things Price; in fact, without even trying, I can think of half a dozen other horror films on his resume which are part of MGM’s Midnite Movies catalog. Does that mean we’ll get a “Volume 2″ come next Halloween…? We can only hope. Tales of Terror - Price found himself in the midst of Edgar Allan Poe adaptations plenty of times within his career, but few are more enjoyable than this trio of tales, directed and produced by the inestimable Roger Corman.
Though he’s teamed with Peter Lorre and Basil Rathbone in the second and third segments, respectively, it’s in the first – “Morella” – where Price is truly the star. He plays Locke, a man who has spent decades mourning the death of his wife, who died in childbirth. When Lenora, the child in question, returns home after an absence of many years, she’s shocked to find the family mansion in disarray and her father but a shadow of the man he once was; of course, she’s even more shocked when she finds that Daddy’s been keeping the decomposing corpse of Mommy lying around for all this time. Somehow, father and daughter manage to reconcile, but in the end, it’s Moms who gets the last laugh. The best of the three segments is unquestionably “The Black Cat,” which finds Lorre taking the lead role as Montresor Herringbone, a drunken lout who proves that just because you’re a drunk and a lout doesn’t mean you can’t be a clever – and deadly – son of a bitch. The entire story is played far more for laughs than horror, but the final shot is gleefully gruesome. Lorre goes all out with his drunk routine, though he probably had little choice in the matter if he wanted to match Price’s vigorously slimy performance as Fortunato, a pretentious wine connoisseur who ends up sleeping with Herringbone’s wife, the gorgeous Annabel (played by the gorgeous Joyce Jameson); the scene where Herringbone and Fortunato have a wine taste-off is, in and of itself, worth owning the film…if not this entire box set. Though “The Black Cat” inspires quite a few chuckles, “The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar” leads one to believe that Corman prefers to leave his viewers screaming rather than laughing. Here, Price plays the title character, a dying man who decides to provide a mesmerist by the name of Carmichael (Rathbone) with the opportunity of a lifetime: to hypnotize him at the moment of his death, to see if his passing can be prolonged via hypnotic suggestion. The experiment proves only half-successful; Valdemar remains in a half-dead / half-alive state, where his body is gone but his mind lives on, trapped within the lifeless vessel. Valdemar’s wife, Helen (Deborah Paget), and his longtime friend, Dr. Elliot James, demand that Carmichael release his subject, but Carmichael refuses, calling it the opportunity of a lifetime, providing him with the chance to find out what lies beyond this plane of existence. (You will not be shocked to discover that Carmichael soon gets the chance to learn about it first hand.) Rathbone is good and evil in his role, and Price’s ghostly voiceover is suitably spooky, making for a nice and creepy finale to three consistently enjoyable scares. Filed under: Movies and Movie DVDs and Actors and Actresses and Reviews and Horror Movies and External Entertainment and External Movies and External Movie DVDs and Scare of the Day Comments: None Digg this! Add to Del.icio.us |
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I gotta tell you, I haven’t a clue how long this has been sitting around my office, waiting to be reviewed; worse, my wife watched it when it first got here, and she can’t remember how long ago that was. The best I can offer you is that it was originally released on October 3, 2006, so we’re almost certainly looking at an entire year…and while I realize that I should feel embarrassed about the fact that it’s been loitering around here for so long, the best defense I have is that it’s a Sci-Fi Channel original film, and, statistically, those things are generally best left unwatched.
In the case of “Voodoo Moon,” I’ll at least say this: it’s a far cry from being the worst Sci-Fi Channel original film that I’ve ever seen. In fact, at times, it feels like a cross between “Fallen” (the Denzel Washington flick which probably blew most of its budget just to license The Rolling Stones’ “Time Is On My Side”) and “The Crow,” though the latter comparison probably only comes into play because the film’s lead, Eric Mabius (”Resident Evil”), walks around wearing a long black trenchcoat for the majority of the movie. Mabius plays Cole, who basically spends his life practicing voodoo and hunting demons, one of which - a dark fellow named Daniel (Rik Young) - keeps popping back into our realm when he’s not wanted. Daniel’s been a thorn in Cole’s side for years, growing stronger each time he returns, and, now, he’s back for a final battle. To draw as much strength as possible, Cole draws together a group of folks he’s helped over the years, and they’re more than willing to step up and help him defeat Daniel. Also in the mix is Cole’s sister, Heather, played by Charisma Carpenter; it’s pretty clear that Carpenter didn’t have to stretch much to play this role, which has her reacting to things in much the same way she did when she played Cordelia Chase on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel.” John Amos (”Good Times”) plays a biker buddy of Cole’s, and there are also appearances from horror flick stalwarts like Dee Wallace Stone and Jeffrey Combs. Amos is great, but that’s also probably the least surprising revelation about the film, given that he’s usually entertaining in any role; Combs, however, is part of the most entertaining subplot of the film, playing one of Cole’s cronies who gets killed on his way to assist him but refuses to let little things like death or rigor mortis get in the way of doing his part. Young is pretty entertaining with his portrayal of the evil Daniel, too: As with any Sci-Fi Channel flick, there are plenty of moments which will inspire you to yell at the screen because of their stupidity, but Jenn - my wife and my regular “Scare of the Day” viewing companion - became very vocal about her issues with a small moment in the movie. It occurred when Heather stepped into the hallway of the hotel where she and Cole were staying, only to get immediately stabbed in the leg with a fork by an old woman who’d been possessed by Daniel. Heather’s reaction was basically, “Ow, that hurt,” taking it pretty much in stride when Cole yanked out the fork. “Oh, my God!” yelled Jenn. “You would so NOT act like you’ve just gotten a slap on the leg if you’d been stabbed by a fork!” This really, really bothered my wife. Later in the film, Heather accidentally cuts herself on a broken glass and barely holds it together, at which point Jenn yelled, “Suck it up! You took a fork in the leg…and I know that hurt worse than that!” I won’t waste your time or mine by regaling you with the other fork-related references made throughout the course of these 89 minutes, but suffice it to say that the issue was still going strong even as I was typing this paragraph. The special effects range from the not-bad to the outrageously-crappy, with the battle royale between Cole and Daniel falling somewhere in-between the two poles, but probably the most annoying thing about “Voodoo Moon” is that it’s one of those movies where you’re always aware that there’s a good idea getting the shit kicked out of it by poor execution. The character of Cole is actually a rather interesting one, particularly the idea of a demon hunter who has a team of people he’s saved working with him (it reminds me of “The Shadow”), but the concept is wasted here. Oh, well. It’s not like I had high expectations, anyway. Filed under: Movies and Movie DVDs and Actors and Actresses and Reviews and Horror Movies and External Entertainment and External Movies and External Movie DVDs and Scare of the Day Comments: 1 Comment Digg this! Add to Del.icio.us |
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Damn you, Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez! Damn you all to Hell! I love those guys, don’t get me wrong, but it’s because of their “Grindhouse” flick that I received a couple of DVDs from BCI / Eclipse, each of which features two of the sort of exploitation films from the ‘70s and ‘80s that served as stylistic inspiration for “Planet Terror” and “Death Proof.” When I got them, I mistakenly thought that I might actually enjoy watching these old-school flicks and at least appreciate their kitsch value…and when I saw these descriptions, I thought, “This is Scare of the Day material if I’ve ever seen it.”
Black Candles: Carol and her boyfriend, Paul, travel to England after the unexpected death of her brother. Once there, she finds out her sister-in-law is involved in a satanic cult, and she finds out that Paul is being drawn into the cult. Evil Eye: Peter Crane is having nightmares about murdering someone. His psychiatrist, Doctor Stone, has him hospitalized for being unable to differentiate between dream and reality. Soon, people start turning up dead at the hospital. Is Peter really a killer, or is there something more sinister afoot? I…I don’t even know what to say about “Black Candles,” except that, despite the suggestion that this story is predominantly about a satanic cult, that aspect is quickly forgotten in the midst of more softcore sex scenes than you’d find on your average Saturday night on Skinemax. There’s oral sex, mutual masturbation, man on top, woman on top, orgies with not-terribly-attractive participants, guy on girl, girl on girl, girl on goat…and, yes, you read that right. A woman has sex with a freaking goat. I mean, you don’t really see anything, thank God, but let me assure you that it’s still no less disconcerting when she shifts from “ow, that hurts” into the unbridled throes of pleasure. In fact, I was reaching for the remote when the camera suddenly focused on the goat’s eyes, and the look made me laugh out loud. It was, like, “Dude, what the fuck?” (Yes, it’s confirmed: the idea of bestiality is just as weird for the beasts as it is for us.) In between all of this sex, you’re left with a movie that’d be perfect if The Playboy Channel ever decided to do its own version of “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” with bad foreign dialogue dubbed into bad English dialogue. Once you take the goat out of the equation, the only remotely scary moment during the first hour of the film occurs when a face unexpectedly appears in a window, which is pretty pitiful for a movie about a satanic cult. Mind you, ten minutes before the movie ends, we do get a thoroughly revolting sequence where a greasy fat man gets a sword shoved right up the ol’ poop chute, but it’s hardly a moment that you’d describe as a saving grace. When the movie ends with the revelation that all of its events were just a dream, your only wish will be that you could say the same. Then again, I should’ve known this thing was going to suck just based on the fact that its original Spanish title literally translated into “The Sex Rites of the Devil”; anyone who wastes a perfect good title like that by changing it to “Black Candles” clearly doesn’t know the first thing about quality motion pictures. On the flip side of the coin, “Evil Eye” is extremely entertaining…though, okay, it’s as much for the wrong reasons as for the right ones. There are some highly disconcerting moments here…and not the having-sex-with-a-goat-kind, but some legitimately creepy stuff. Unfortunately, there are also moments which are so awful that I’m still tempted to declare it to be one of the best bad movies I’ve seen in years. Frankly, it earned that honor with one line, then permanently secured it with another…but I’ll get to those in a moment. As noted above, the film’s premise revolves around a rich playboy named Peter Crane (Jorge Rivero) who keeps having nightmares about having murdered people. Director Mario Siciliano, who was also responsible for “Happy Sex,” “Erotic Family,” and “Orgasmo Non-Stop,” somehow manages to resist his baser instincts and avoid incorporating too many sex scenes into the proceedings, even scoring several legitimately creepy moments over the course of the film’s 90+ minutes, but it’s the dialogue that dooms “Evil Eye.” Blame the melodramatic dubbing into English if you wish, but the lines themselves are the real killer here, such as when Peter complaints to his psychiatrist (played by Robert Conte, a.k.a. Don Brizio in “The Godfather”) that he’s having awful dreams. When he’s asked if he takes drugs, he snaps back, “No way, I don’t like that crap…unless you count whiskey and tobacco as drugs.” My personal favorite amongst the film’s many completely surreal lines comes via this conversation, where Peter’s longtime paramour meets his psychiatrist’s lovely partner. Tanya: Who’s the lady? Um, what? “Evil Eye” is definitely a must-see film…as in, “You must see just how bad the dialogue is.” But unlike “Black Candles,” at least you won’t feel like you need a shower after watching it. I should mention, though, that the DVD offers the full “grindhouse” experience by providing the original trailers for other films in the series, and while I can’t say they necessarily look any better, they were enough of a hoot that I almost wanted to check them out. Almost. Filed under: Movies and Movie DVDs and Actors and Actresses and Reviews and Horror Movies and External Entertainment and External Movies and External Movie DVDs and Scare of the Day Comments: None Digg this! Add to Del.icio.us |
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Movies based on Stephen King novels and short stories are a dime a dozen, but it’s pretty well documented that King’s track record for his adaptation has never been spectacular, and it’s only gotten worse in the years since he’s starting embracing television. After watching “Sometimes They Come Back,” however, one wonders why he opted to make it a TV move rather than a theatrical release; it’s actually one of the better films to have been based on one of his works. Tim Matheson plays Jim Norman, an idealistic young teacher who returns to his hometown after a several-year absence – now with a wife (Brooke Adams) and son (Robert Hy Gorman) in tow – in order to teach at the local high school. The reason for his departure is an ominous one: his older brother was stabbed to death by a group of local hooligans, who promptly got their just desserts by having their car be hit by an oncoming train while they were still inside. Now, he’s back in town, but being older and wiser doesn’t mean isn’t still haunted by the events of his past…and we do mean that literally.
The second he’s back in town, Jim begins to find himself flashing back to the day of his brother Wayne’s death, and it only get worse when it turns out that the ghosts of the punks who killed Wayne have found their way back to town and into his classroom. They’re “up from Milford,” as they put it, and to make room for themselves in the class, they have to kill other students; unfortunately, no-one seems to see their death car, as it were, except for the victims and, naturally, Jim himself. It’s a horrifying situation for Jim, and it gets worse as the local law enforcement begin to suspect him in the deaths of his students; eventually, he realizes that the only way out of the situation is to confront the demons head on. “Sometimes They Come Back” is an enjoyable flick that keeps the suspense level pretty high throughout, but it’s also the kind of film that’s best appreciated when one turns their mind off and simply accepts the premise. Otherwise, you’ll be asking questions about the consistency of the ghost’s rules…like, say, why they can be seen when they’re in the classroom but not when they’re tooling down the highway in their muscle car. Just don’t worry about it; just be creeped out. But, y’know, honestly, I’m not entirely sure why “Sometimes They Come Back” has suddenly gotten a reissue; it might look better than it did in its previous release, but it certainly doesn’t have anything in the way of special features. Still, if you’re a King fan and this one’s flown under your radar for all these years, you might as well enjoy a version that looks pristine. Just stay away from the two sequels, which have precious little to do with either the original film or, indeed, anything King has ever written.
Filed under: Movies and Movie DVDs and Actors and Actresses and TV Dramas and Horror Movies and External Entertainment and External Movies and External TV and External Movie DVDs and TV Sci-Fi and Scare of the Day Comments: None Digg this! Add to Del.icio.us |
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This feels like a complete cheat of a Scare of the Day, but yesterday was a long damned day, and, frankly, I went for the shortest thing in my pile that was even remotely appropriate to the concept: a screener of the new Starz documentary, “Bloodsucking Cinema,” which - shocker! - offers up an hour-long history of the vampire as portrayed in motion pictures. (Given the title, I’m sure you in no way saw the subject matter coming.)
Unfortunately, the first reaction that the documentary is likely to inspire is the realization that there have been a lot…a LOT…of not-great vampire movies in recent years. It’s all but a universal truth that flicks like 1922’s “Nosferatu the Vampire,” with its uber-creepy performance from Max Schreck as the title character, and Tod Browning’s 1931 version of “Dracula,” which proved to be the defining moment of Bela Lugosi’s career (not to mention the albatross around his neck for the majority of his life), are all-time vampire classics. Unfortunately, it’s not like any of the principals from those movies are still among the living to discuss their experiences…but, hey, Uwe Boll and Kristanna Loken are chomping at the bit to chat about “BloodRayne”! Same with Len Weisman and the “Underworld” flicks, Stephen Sommers and “Van Helsing,” and Stuart Townsend and “Queen of the Damned.” Not exactly on the same level, is it? On the flip side of the coin, though, the conversations with Cheech Marin reminded me that it’s been too long since I last saw “From Dusk ‘Til Dawn,” and the interview segments with John Carpenter and John Landis and the clips from their respective vampire films - “Vampires” and “Innocent Blood” - made me think that I should give those flicks another chance, that maybe they’re better than I remember them. (In particular, the moments I saw of James Woods’ performance in “Vampires” during the special made me wonder why the film doesn’t stand out for me; he seemed to be having a ball, and yet I can’t for the life of me recall a thing about the flick, even though I know I’ve seen it.) I’m still not convinced, however, that watching Francis Ford Coppola’s “Dracula” again from start to finish wouldn’t leaving me feeling like a week had gone by, but, dammit, I was almost tricked into thinking otherwise. It was also nice to see Joel Schumacher reminiscing about “The Lost Boys,” though seeing Corey Haim only served to remind me how awful “The Two Coreys” was, and as a comic geek, I took great enjoyment in seeing an on-screen interview with Marv Wolfman, co-creator of “Blade.” (Oh, yeah, and writer / director David Goyer shows up to discuss those films as well.) To give credit where credit is due, however, “Bloodsucking Cinema” does offer a bigger-picture view of the vampire film, even if its talking heads tend to represent sub-par examples of the genre. It does indeed stretch all the way back to “Nosferatu,” then moves forward, stopping long enough to speak of Lugosi, Christopher Lee’s portrayal of Dracula in the Hammer Studios films, the underrated Mexican vampire films which served to inspire “From Dusk ‘Til Dawn,” and even offers brief mentions of comedies like “Once Bitten” and Mel Brooks’ “Dracula: Dead and Loving It.” The differences in the vampire mythos from film to film are compared and contrasted, and by the end of the special, things have gotten downright philosophical, with Carpenter musing about how he would deal with the curse of eternal life. “Bloodsucking Cinema” actually premiered on Friday night, but it’s being re-run on Halloween night at 9:00 PM EST. I know, it’s hard to accept that anything involving clips from “BloodRayne” is worth seeing, but this is worth catching. It’s certainly not all-inclusive (what, no “Blacula”?), but given the financial limitations inherent in cross-studio clip borrowing, they do they best they can, and the results are quite enjoyable. Filed under: TV and Actors and Actresses and Documentaries and External TV and Scare of the Day Comments: None Digg this! Add to Del.icio.us |
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Good evening, and welcome to the sixth and final entry in an ongoing series within “Scare of the Day.” Wait, let me guess: you didn’t even know I was doing an ongoing series, did you?
Well, there’s no reason you should, really, unless you’re really observant and noticed a recurring logo within the artwork of the last several films I’ve tackled, but Warner Brothers recently released a six-disc box set of horror films entitled The Twisted Terror Collection, and today’s the last of the bunch. It’s a strange mish-mosh of selections, with no seeming rhyme or reason aside from the fact that they’re all horror flicks, but if you like horror flicks, it’s a pretty good deal: individually, they hover in the $13 range, but you can get all six for under $38. So, anyway, tonight’s the night when we finally get to the sixth and final film with the set. We’re worked our way through “Deadly Friend,” “From Beyond The Grave,” “Eyes of a Stranger,” “Dr. Giggles,” and “Someone’s Watching Me” (see what I mean about how disparate they are), and, now, it’s time to get to the flick that I intentionally kept ‘til last, just so I’d have something to look forward to: “The Hand,” starring Michael Caine and written and directed by Oliver Stone.
If you’re anything like my fellow contributor David Medsker, this is the point where you say, with legitimate shock, “Oliver Stone did ‘The Hand’?” Yes, he did. And in case you think I’m trying to pull a surprise ending on you, yes, it’s the Oliver Stone, the same one who directed “J.F.K.,” “The Doors,” “Talk Radio,” “Platoon,” blah blah blah. But at this point, he had a decidedly shorter resume, having only directed one previous film (1974’s “Seizure”), but he had written an Academy Award-winning screenplay (“Midnight Express”), which was apparently enough to get him the gig on “The Hand.” Based on The Lizard’s Tail, the novel by Marc Brandell, “The Hand” stars Caine as comic strip writer and artist Jon Lansdale. He’s doing pretty well on the business end of things, but his personal life is another story; he’s got a cute little daughter (Mara Hobel, who soon scored cult film immortality by playing Christina Crawford in “Mommie Dearest”), but his relationship with his wife is strained at best, and…well, hell, you don’t give a good God-damn about his marital woes, do you? Of course not. You just want to know about the disembodied hand that goes around strangling people, which is just as it should be. I mean, I saw this movie when I was 12 years old, the reason I remember it so vividly ain’t because of the back-and-forth dialogue between husband and wife; it’s because you don’t forget the sight of a hand scuttling across the ground like a freaking spider! On the whole, “The Hand” isn’t nearly as scary as my memories would’ve had me believe, mostly because I’ve seen a lot of movies in the interim. Back then, I was so focused on the hand that I couldn’t fully appreciate back the fun of Michael Caine’s bug-eyed performance in the film, which he gradually takes so delightfully over the top that, by the end, you’re more likely to be cackling than shivering. That’s not to say that there aren’t some scares here, though. In fact, we’re only about six minutes into the proceedings when we get our first jump-out-of-your-seat moment, courtesy of a cat leaping and yowling into a shot…but it’s more than just a cheap scare. Stone’s already set the scene and shown us that the cat’s there; the big reason it proves so shocking is less to do with the feline and more to do with the fact that, only moments earlier, Lansdale has been cutting wood with an axe…which means that the audience, who already knows that he’s destined to lose a hand at some point, find itself wondering, “Is this how it happens? With an axe…?” Well, no, actually, it isn’t. But since we’re already distracted by the mere possibility, we forget about the cat in the scene, and, voila, a simple scare becomes more profound than it otherwise might have been. (The cat ends up shocking us again later, resulting in my wife jumping, then grumbling, “Stupid goddamned cat.” I immediately seconded her emotion.) When Lansdale finally does lose his hand…well, I can’t speak as to how medically accurate it is, with the ungodly amounts of blood spurting everywhere, but it certainly feels like there’s more blood than is actually necessary. Then again, his hand has just been completely ripped from his arm at the wrist, so maybe that’s just me wanting to believe that it should’ve been less bloody. However you feel about the gore, though, one thing that’s undeniable is that the choreography of that scene is the definitive moment within “The Hand” that’ll make you go, “Yep, even back then, Oliver Stone was already a hell of a director.” With the loss of a hand, specifically his drawing hand, Lansdale’s life as a cartoonist is effectively ended, and his marriage is already hanging by a thread, so it’s no wonder that he begins a descent into depression…but is it a descent into madness as well? He begins to dream that his hand, which was MIA after the car accident which severed it, is still out there somewhere…and crawling towards him. (There’s a very fun scene when Lansdale goes to search the field where the hand should’ve landed and we’re treated to camera work which effectively provides us with a “hand’s-eye view.”) As the film progresses, we’re left uncertain as to whether he’s been dreaming or not…and if you haven’t actually seen it, this is definitely one that I won’t spoil for you. The score by James Horner is suitably creepy, but there’s something very amusing about the scene where a slightly-crazed Caine is cruising down the road whilst cranking Blondie’s “Union City Blue” on the car stereo. (Don’t tell me Stone wasn’t aware of the lyric, “Power, passion plays a double hand.”) It’s also worth noting that “The Hand” is the only selection within the Twisted Terror Collection to feature audio commentary; Stone himself sits down and discusses the experience of making the movie and, as with most of his commentary tracks, it’s almost as entertaining as the film itself, in particular because he admits outright that he hasn’t seen it in years…not unlike myself. “The Hand” is an enjoyable blend of drama and horror, with the occasional bit of humor to lighten the mood; it might not be as scary as I’d remembered it, but thanks to the team of Caine and Stone, it proves entertaining nonetheless. Filed under: Movies and Movie DVDs and Actors and Actresses and Reviews and Horror Movies and External Entertainment and External Movies and External Movie DVDs and Scare of the Day Comments: None Digg this! Add to Del.icio.us |
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My wife was absolutely dumbfounded when I told her that I’d managed to spend 37 years on this planet without ever having seen Wes Craven’s “Deadly Friend,” but it’s true. In fact, not only had I never seen it, but I didn’t even know the first thing about it; it didn’t ring even the slightest bell when she gave me a one-line synopsis – teenage whiz kid uses his knowledge of robotics to try and bring his dead girlfriend back to life – and given that that’s the kind of plot that would’ve immediately grabbed the attention of the complete geek that I was in 1986, I really don’t know how I possibly could’ve missed it. Now that I’ve finally seen it, though, I wish I had seen it back then; unfortunately, I say that because, at times, it feels far more like a historical artifact than a horror film.
Okay, so you’ve got a rough idea what the movie’s about, but here’s how the box text spells it out: “Lonely teenage genius Paul (Matthew Laborteaux), a specialist in brain research, has two best friends: his remarkable robot BB and the beautiful girl next door (Kristy Swanson). When tragedy strikes both his friends, he desperately tries to save them both by pushing technology beyond its mortal limits into a terrifying new realm. Like a modern-day Dr. Frankenstein, Paul discovers too late that he has created a rampaging monster.” As “Deadly Friend” begins, you’re introduced to BB the Robot, and all I could think about was Number Five in “Short Circuit.” Or the Ro-Boz from “Riptide.” Or, y’know, pretty much any big-ass, non-streamlined robot from the ‘80s. BB’s got a wacky voice that sounds a little bit like Gizmo the Mogwai, which comes courtesy of Charles Fleischer (he also voiced Roger Rabbit), and we’re given the impression from the get-go that he’s on the verge of outgrowing his programming, which means that we won’t be surprised if he suddenly kills someone. That turns out to be a red herring, though…as is the suspicion that when Samantha (Swanson) finally meets her doom, Paul’s gonna somehow transfer her brain into BB. Alas, the poor robot gets shot all to hell by the neighborhood crazy lady, Elvira Parker – played by Anne Ramsey, who fit this role into her schedule between her roles in “The Goonies” and “Throw Mama from the Train” – but there’s definitely a Frankenstein element to the tale when, after Sam’s abusive father pushes her down the stairs and she breaks her neck, Paul takes BB’s chip and puts it into her brain in order to bring her back to life…and since I’m sure you were wondering, why, yes, things do go horribly awry! For the most part, “Deadly Friend” plays like your average teenage flick, which is due in no small part to the decidedly average acting of Laborteaux, who’s forced to carry the film whenever Swanson isn’t around but is rather less than enthralling as a big-screen presence. As for his co-star, she’s charming and cute during her scenes prior to her death, but for the rest of the film, she’s forced to stalk around silently, wearing really dark eyeshadow to remind us that she’s only one step above corpsedom. (Good thing she’s got expressive eyes!) It’s the interesting premise that keeps us watching, though, along with curiosity about how it’ll be resolved; unfortunately, the film goes on for about two minutes longer than it should have, tacking on what may be the dumbest ending of any ’80s movie ever. Seriously, I was just left sputtering. In fact, here’s an exact transcript: “But…but…there wasn’t…it couldn’t have…she wasn’t…oh, God, that’s fucking dumb!” Of course, even in one of his lesser films, Wes Craven still manages to produce two death scenes that made the film worth seeing. • Sam bends her father’s hand back, throws him against the boiler in the basement, and snaps his neck like the proverbial twig…and when Paul finally discovers them, Sam’s got her father’s body lying so that his head is lying inside the boiler, where it’s just smoking and sizzling away amongst the flames. Mmm-mmm, nothing smells loving like Daddy’s head in the oven… • When Sam breaks into Elvira Parker’s house to extract her revenge and to get back the basketball Parker swiped, Sam kills two birds with one stone by throwing the ball so hard at Elvira’s head that it fucking explodes. Okay, okay, don’t twist my arm, here’s the YouTube clip of the latter: So now I can scratch “Deadly Friend” off my list of ’80s Movies I’ve Never Seen…and, in an odd moment of serendipity, I can also finally scratch “basketball” off my list of Things I’ve Seen People Killed By In Movies. Wow, this is the best Thursday ever! Filed under: Movies and Movie DVDs and Actors and Actresses and Reviews and Horror Movies and External Entertainment and External Movies and External Movie DVDs and Scare of the Day Comments: None Digg this! Add to Del.icio.us |
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Amicus Productions often sat in the shadow of its better known countryman, Hammer Studios, but horror film aficionados will concede without hesitation that both firms provided the world with plenty of hours of chills, screams, and general creepiness, often even utilizing the same actors. (In particular, Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee proved to be familiar faces in both camps.) If there’s one thing that Amicus tended to specialize in over Hammer, however, it was in the field of horror anthologies, offering up classics like “Doctor Terror’s House of Horrors,” “Asylum,” “Tales from the Crypt,” “The Vault of Horror” a.k.a. “Tales from the Crypt II,” and…wait for it…“From Beyond the Grave.”
Yes, I’m well aware that, given that the title of the film was listed right in the title of the posting, that wasn’t exactly the most shocking reveal. But it felt right, dammit. British horror films from the late 1960s and early 1970s are almost always a joy to watch, if only because…and I’ve said this before, but I know others who agree with my theory as well…there’s something about a British accent that makes even the most preposterous dialogue sound like the God’s honest truth. Additionally, the Brits have always had a dark and nasty streak to their humor, which invariably shows up within the short and sweet tales of these anthologies. There are four tales within “From Beyond the Grave”: “The Gate Crasher,” “An Act of Kindness,” “The Elemental,” and “The Door.” Each story has been taken from author Ronald Chetwynd-Hayes’ 1971 collection of short stories entitled “The Unbidden.” The foursome are all interlinked via an antique shop which is curated by none other than Grand Moff Tarkin himself, Peter Cushing; in most cases, the reason for the characters to enter the shop is at best only tangentially related to their tale, but it hardly matters, since it’s mostly just fun to see the pale-as-a-corpse Cushing shuffle around the shop, sneaking up on his customers and asking them if he can help them find anything. “From Beyond the Grave” stars David Warner as Edward Charlton, a man who tricks Cushing into selling him an antique mirror at a highly discounted price by claiming it to be a fake; perhaps unsurprisingly, however, Edward gets his just desserts when the mirror turns out to be inhabited by an evil spirit who need fresh blood in order to get his strength up and escape his confinement. During a séance, the spirit possesses Edward and soon sends him out on a nightly basis to bring him another sacrifice, and as a bonus, he has Edward do the actual slaying for him as well; the conclusion is predictable, but Warner’s increased anxiety as the segment progresses makes it worth watching ‘til the bitter end. “The Gate Crasher,” which follows, is probably the most enjoyable of the four segments for several reasons. For one, there’s the cast, which features Donald Pleasance, Angela Pleasance (yes, she’s his daughter, both in real life and in the film), and Ian Bannen, a husband who’s forever henpecked by his wife, played by the voluptuous Diana Dors; for another, however, it offers a legitimately unexpected conclusion and a darkly funny closing line from Mr. Pleasance. (Unrelated sidebar: many Americans aren’t aware of Diana Dors, but Anglophile music fans may recognize her from appearances on The Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band and The Smiths’ Singles, which is how I came to know her name. What I didn’t know until very recently, however, was the story of her secret fortune and how it reports remains hidden somewhere out there, just waiting to be found by the person who can crack the code she left behind before her death in 1984.) “The Elemental,” which stars Ian Carmichael as a man with something decidedly larger than a chip on his shoulder, will make fans of the “Harry Potter” films laugh out loud, as Margaret Leighton plays a spiritualist who will instantly remind them of Emma Thompson’s take on Professor Trelawney; indeed, the similarity is so profound that you can’t help but draw the connection. Lastly, “The Door” features Ian Ogilvy and Lesley-Anne Down as a young couple who find that their new residence has an unfortunate connection with the late Sir Michael Sinclair, who’d prefer not to be quite so late any longer. The film comes to a conclusion by returning to Cushing and giving him a few moments to shine, presumably in a scene unique to the movie (i.e. not something composed by Chetwynd-Hayes), but it probably isn’t much of a spoiler to suggest that when he’s accosted by a gentleman who intends to rob the shop, something rather untoward occurs to the would-be thief. Immediately thereafter, he addresses the camera directly: “Aye, customers, come in, come in; I’m sure I have the very thing to tempt you. Lots of bargains, all tastes catered for…oh, and a big novelty surprise comes with every purchase. Do come in, any time. I’m always open.” It’s an offer you can’t resist, really. Filed under: Movies and Movie DVDs and Actors and Actresses and Reviews and Horror Movies and External Entertainment and External Movies and External Movie DVDs and Scare of the Day Comments: None Digg this! Add to Del.icio.us |
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When I helped pull together Bullz-Eye’s piece on TV transitions, which examined actors who tried but failed to make the transition from the small screen to the big screen, it turns out that there was at least one name that flew completely under my radar, possibly because her first shot as a leading lady turned out to be her last: Lauren Tewes, a.k.a. cruise director Julie McCoy on “The Love Boat.”
I’m not saying that Tewes’ lone headlining role in the 1981 slasher flick, “Eyes of a Stranger,” was necessarily bad enough to warrant such a sudden and dramatic conclusion to her career as a Hollywood leading lady…but, well, there’s a reason why the film is mostly remembered not for Tewes’s contributions but, rather, for the fact that the film served to introduce the world to Jennifer Jason Leigh. At the very least, it’s not going out on a limb to suggest that, even then, Leigh had the edge when it comes to range…but, then, you’ll see what I mean when you read about her character.
Tewes plays newscaster Jane Harris, who seems particularly stricken by the recent attacks on women by a nasty character who’s strangling and sexually molesting his victims. At first, it seems as though Jane’s concerns exist because she’s so protective of her deaf and blind sister (Leigh), but it soon becomes evident that there’s a horrible secret in her past which has raised her fear level. When she discovers who the guilty party is, Jane decides to play the “I Know What You Did” card by calling him and threatening him, which inevitably leads to a confrontation. The film’s gore effects are provided by the legendary Tom Savini, who offers particularly nice results to a decapitation (the head ends up floating in an aquarium), and director Ken Wiederhorn does manage to provide a few scares in the darkness, but, overall, the film’s only the slightest step up from TV movie fare. If you took away the nudity and gore, you’d find that the plot and dialogue wouldn’t even make the cut for a Lifetime production. Leigh obviously impressed someone with her work on “Eyes of a Stranger” - wow, she’s deaf and blind, but she can still make toast and coffee! - but given that Tewes slinked back to the Pacific Princess and Wiederhorn’s next project was “Meatballs 2,” it’s clear that Leigh was the only one. In closing, we’re stuck with another film without a trailer available, so let’s watch the video for The Payola$’ song, “Eyes of a Stranger.” Paul Hyde + Bob Rock = an awesome ’80s Canadian rock song. Okay, maybe not awesome…but it’s still better than the movie that shares its title. Filed under: Movies and Movie DVDs and Actors and Actresses and Reviews and Horror Movies and External Entertainment and External Movies and External Movie DVDs and Scare of the Day Comments: None Digg this! Add to Del.icio.us |
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Man, I can still remember when this film was originally released: I was just finishing up college, and there was a big ol’ cardboard stand-up in the local theater, proclaiming its imminent release. I was never a horror movie aficionado back then, and, frankly, this just sounded like an excruciating viewing experience, preying on all of my own personal medical nightmares, so I decided to take a pass on checking it out. What a fool I was. Not that “Dr. Giggles” is in any way a classic, but as a fan of really awful puns and one-liners, I laughed out loud a dozen times during the course of the flick…and probably groaned at least as often. Anyone who’s guilty of snickering when Arnold Schwarzenegger watches a guy get cut in a half and then says, “He had to split,” will love watching a film with a serial-killing doctor who throws out lines like… “Get ready to take your medicine.” If you’re one of those folks who likes to have a pop culture timeline, “Dr. Giggles” was filmed in the same time frame when Holly Marie Combs was just starting on “Picket Fences,” Glenn Quinn was just getting the hang of playing Becky’s boyfriend, Mark, on “Roseanne,” and Larry Drake was several years into his stint as Benny on “L.A. Law” but was already trying to make sure it wouldn’t be the only role he was remembered for. (He’d already played the villain in “Darkman” two years prior to this.) The film focuses on Evan Randell (Drake), whose father was the physician of the small, picturesque town of Moorehigh; Dr. Randell’s wife passed away, and he proceeded to remove the hearts from several townsfolk in an attempt to bring her back, but he was caught and stoned to death. (Gotta love that small-town justice, huh?) Young Evan, who’d assisted his father, managed to get away, vanishing into anonymity, but his natural tendency toward being batshit crazy led him to be institutionalized, and as “Dr. Giggles” begins, we’re introduced to Evan, all grown up, in the midst of performing a decidedly unauthorized operation on one of the suits at the asylum where he’s been held. This opening sequence is pretty sweet, actually, and I couldn’t help but think of Arkham Asylum, from the “Batman” comics. (When is someone gonna get around to adapting Grant Morrison’s graphic novel into a film, by the way?) As you’ve read, there’s a lot of ridiculously silly humor in “Dr. Giggles,” but it works because of Drake’s delivery. There’s really not as much gore as you’d expect, although there are a couple of scenes worth noting, including one where the good doctor operates on himself; certainly the most disturbing scene, however, comes via the flashback sequence where we discover that Evan made it out of his parents’ house because his father sewed him into his mother’s corpse! I’m mildly surprised that the film ended in such a way that a sequel is unlikely, but you can’t beat the way it does end, with Combs holding up two sharp knives, saying, “Take two and call me in the morning,” and stabbing Evan to death…though not before he gets in the closing line, “Is there a doctor in the house?” Not anymore! (Ho, ho.) Filed under: Movies and Actors and Actresses and Reviews and Horror Movies and External Entertainment and External Movies and External Movie DVDs and Scare of the Day Comments: None Digg this! Add to Del.icio.us |
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The back of the box for “Someone’s Watching Me!” proclaims the film to be “the ‘lost’ John Carpenter suspense classic,” which is a fair description, in that it’s never before been available on either VHS or DVD until now, but what it fails to mention is that it’s actually a TV movie…not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s just that it feels like a TV movie…or, at the very least, it looks like one. Still, I thought maybe it was just me until I looked up the history of the film and discovered its origins. Apparently, it aired on NBC in November of 1978…and since “Halloween” had opened only a month before and done boffo box office, wow, talk about your major coups! I mean, Carpenter had already directed two other theatrical features prior to “Halloween” (”Dark Star” and “Assault on Precinct 13″), so it’s not like he’d come out of nowhere, but, still, it’s like…well, imagine if NBC had debuted a TV movie directed by Steven Spielberg the month after “Jaws” had been released, and you kind of get the idea…sort of. Lauren Hutton plays Leigh Michaels, a single and attractive TV news director who moves to Los Angeles for a new start. She gets herself an apartment, finds herself a job at a local station, and even finds a potential new beau named Paul Winkless (played by David Birney), so everything’s looking hunky-dory…until, that is, she finds herself on the receiving end of a stalker’s affections. He’s all up in her business. He’s got a telescope to watch her from afar, he’s bugged her apartment so he can hear every word she says, and he’s got her phone number, so he’s calling her at all hours of the day and night, just to keep her on edge. Thankfully, Paul’s got her back, and her supportive co-worker, Sophie (Adrienne Barbeau), agrees to assist her in fighting back…but will they succeed before things turn deadly? Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. Though early in his career, it’s clear that Carpenter already had a flair for suspense. There’s a moment early in the film, not long after Leigh has moved into her apartment, when we get an unexpected glimpse of her stalker rushing out of the apartment that’ll give you the chills, and the POV shots used on various occasions prove extremely effective as well. The film’s climax, much of which takes place on the balcony of Leigh’s apartment, is mostly successful, though the limits of what could be shown on network television in the late ’70s result in a conclusion that’s not as chilling as it might otherwise have been. Still, it’s aided immensely by the work of composer Harry Sukman, whose Hitchcock-inspired sounds do well at upping the tension (and also served as a trial run for the work he would do the following year on “Salem’s Lot”). In closing, since “Someone’s Watching Me!” was a TV movie and there’s no trailer available for it, I’ll instead offer up the video for Rockwell’s “Somebody’s Watching Me,” mostly because that’s what I typed just about every goddamned time I wanted to type the actual title of this movie. Damn you, Rockwell…! Damn you all to Hell!!!
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Believe it or not, until today, I’d never seen a Stuart Gordon film. I’m not sure how I managed to make it this long without seeing any of his works, especially given how much praise has been heaped on “Re-Animator” over the years, but, actually, I’m less embarrassed by not having seen that film as I am by the fact that I have Gordon’s film adaptation of the David Mamet play, “Edmond,” sitting right on my DVD shelf and have never managed to put it into the player. I stand chagrined. Oh, well, as long as I’m just standing around being chagrined, I might as well discuss “From Beyond,” Gordon’s 1986 adaptation of another H.P. Lovecraft short story (”Re-Animator” was based on one as well), was pretty damned good. And creepy. And downright disturbing at times. I’ve never read the original Lovecraft tale, but I’m led to understand that Gordon’s film - written by the same trio who wrote “Re-Animator”: Gordon, William Norris, and Dennis Paoli - essentially adapts the story for the first part of the film, then continues along its own path for the remainder. Whatever the case, it’s fascinating. And complicated. And almost impossible to really wrap your head around. But still fascinating. Dr. Edward Pretorius (Ted Sorel) and Dr. Crawford Tillinghast (Jeffrey Combs) are a pair of scientists with really awesome last names who are trying to stimulate the human pineal gland and bring forth the so-called “sixth sense” abilities inherent in every person; as part of their experiments, they’ve built a machine called The Resonator. When The Resonator is turned on, it causes the pineal drives of everyone in its vicinity to go hog wild, which results in them being able to see into a parallel dimension which is apparently inhabited by creatures which resemble eels and jellyfish; unfortunately, it works both ways, and as soon as the scientists make a move, the creatures attack. Tillinghast gets bitten on the cheek, and Pretorious…well, he kind of loses his head. (Later, after the police have come to the scene, we see the headless chalk outline, which can’t help but stir laughter.) Freaking out, Tillinghast destroys the machine and narrowly escapes from Pretorious’s house, where they’ve been doing the experiments, but no-one believes poor Tillinghast when he tries to explain what’s happened, and he’s arrested and put in an insane asylum. Dr. Katherine McMichaels (Barbara Crampton) is fascinated by Tillinghast’s claims, and she takes him back to the house - along with police escort Buford ‘Bubba’ Brownlee (Ken Foree) - in order to determine the truth of the situation. She manages to get the machine working again, but the result is that Pretorious re-appears, having been possessed by the creatures from the other dimension, and wants the others to join him. The film is a unique mish-mosh of scientific mumbo-jumbo, special effects, gore, sexuality, and humor, and it’s enthralling. And, hey, the sexuality isn’t even forced: turns out that when the pineal gland is in overdrive (and you know when it is, because you can see their foreheads pulsating), the scientists find that their libidos are pumping away as well, which results in Dr. McMichaels putting on a black leather dominatrix outfit at one point. Good times. The creature special effects are right up there with John Carpenter’s “The Thing” for truly mind-bending transformations, and there’s at least one gory moment which will have you squirming in your seat. It’s a shame there’s never been a “From Beyond 2,” given how much territory is left unexplored with this concept, but, then, maybe that’s why this film works as well as it does: because it’s over before it’s outstayed its welcome. Damn. Now I need to go rent “Re-Animator.” Filed under: Movies and Actors and Actresses and Reviews and Horror Movies and External Entertainment and External Movies and External Movie DVDs and Scare of the Day Comments: None Digg this! Add to Del.icio.us |
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“Ask and ye shall receive,” sayeth the good book, and after today, I certainly can’t argue. Yesterday, I ended my review of “Buried Alive” by hoping that I’d be able to find something…anything…better to watch for today’s Scare of the Day. Lo and behold, this afternoon’s mail call brought just such an item: a copy of “The Paul Lynde Halloween Special,” courtesy of the fine folks at S’More Entertainment, and, people, this thing is awesome.
The show opens with Paul Lynde dressed in a Santa outfit, because…ho, ho, HO!…he’s gotten the holiday wrong! The gag continues with Lynde vanishing long enough to put on a full-body Easter Bunny costume, then reappearing to sing a verse of “My Funny Valentine” (which, thankfully, does not involve him wearing Cupid’s traditional attire). Eventually, however, his housekeeper, played by legendary Maxwell House spokeswoman Margaret Hamilton, buys him a clue; he wishes viewers everywhere a happy Halloween – adding, “Whoopie!” – and it’s off to the opening credits, where you won’t find a more definitively ‘70s list of guest stars without breaking out an episode of “The Love Boat.” Making appearances are…well, let’s not give away the whole game in the first inning. Given that Halloween is a decidedly child-friendly holiday, it’s no surprise that Lynde only hesitates for about half a second before launching into a lyrically-tweaked version of “Kids,” his signature number from the Broadway musical, “Bye Bye Birdie.” While belting out the song, which includes hip new lines like, “There’s too much Alice Cooper / Not enough Alice Faye,” Lynde is being chased around by dancing young’uns; although they all team up for a chorus line of Rockettes-styled kicks toward the end, the conclusion finds Lynde tied up and thrown in a trash can, with the lid put on by none other than…Donnie and Marie! (They both flash their pearly whites at the camera and give the “OK” sign.) From there, it’s off to the premise that keeps the rest of the show going. Lynde and Hamilton are off to visit her sister, but when they arrive, Lynde discovers that her sister is none other than Witchie-Poo (Billie Burke), and that his beloved housekeeper of the last 15 years is actually The Wicked Witch of the West. (For trivia buffs, it turns out that this particular appearance is officially the only time Hamilton deigned to put on the whole outfit, makeup and all, onscreen at any point after filming “The Wizard of Oz.”) Turns out that they’d like Lynde’s help in softening the image of witches, and they’re willing to offer him three wishes in return. He’s skeptical at first, which allows for guest appearances by Billy Barty and Betty White, but, eventually, he realizes that they’re serious about their offer. So what’s his first wish…? He, uh, wants to be a trucker. One magic wand wave later, and, God help us, Lynde is transformed into Big Red, a.k.a. the Rhinestone Trucker, so called because his driving outfit is a rhinestone-encrusted jumpsuit. (The front of the outfit is open clear down to the middle of his chest, revealing way more tufts of hair than anyone needed to see.) The CB radio jokes fly fast and furious for a few moments before settling into a storyline where we discover that Big Red and another trucker – played by Tim Conway – are both engaged to the same girl. If the CB jokes don’t nail down with some precision as to when this special was made, the actress who plays the girl does: it’s Roz Kelly, a.k.a. the long-legged, leather-clad Pinky Tuscadero on “Happy Days.” I mean, really, how long was the window where she was enough of a “name” to warrant a reference in the opening credits of a special like this one…? It can’t have been more than a year or two, tops. Anyway, the sketch ends up turning into a square-dance-styled number where Lynde, Conway, and Kelly sing and strut around a stage that’s dominated by two 18-wheelers. There’s a reason why they don’t make ‘em like this anymore, but, even so, you won’t be able to take your eyes off the screen. Next up, it’s KISS! The performance of “Detroit Rock City” is clearly lip-synched, but, fuck it, who cares? It’s the classic foursome in all their glory, so it hardly matters. From there, Lynde wishes himself into the life of a rich sheik that kidnaps a woman – played by Florence Henderson – and tries to woo her to become his bride, in the process sneaking in jokes with punchlines involving “Laverne & Shirley” and “Baretta” (gee, y’think this originally aired on ABC?). Upon his return to the witches’ homestead, they made a request to go to “a real Hollywood disco,” and, shockingly, Lynde says he can make that happen. After a quick raiding of Liza Minnelli’s closet for just the right satin-encrusted jacket, Lynde takes the ladies to a haunted discothèque where…what luck!…Florence Henderson just happens to be performing a disco-fied version of “That Old Black Magic.” AWESOME. Perhaps sensing that viewers would be a little too riled up after Henderson’s number, the producers decided to bring the mood down a little. Cut to Peter Criss sitting at a piano in full make-up, offering a heartfelt rendition of “Beth.” Eventually, Criss’s bandmates emerge from the shadows and flank him, and after the song ends, Lynde and Hamilton join them to trade one-liners for a few minutes. (Lynde: “I can take one look at you four and tell you how you got your name and how you got your act: you had a fight, and your mothers told you to kiss and make-up!”) Soon, however, it’s time for Lynde to make his last wish, and he’s so smitten with the foursome that all he wants is for KISS to play another song! Say, guys, how about “King of the Nighttime World”? Done and done. The show comes to its grand finale with the return of Roz Kelly, as she and Lynde duet on a god-awful song called “Disco Baby,” and all of the guest stars dance around the stage as Lynde hollers out, “I like that funky stuff!” Oh, wait, did I say all of the guest stars? Not true. Donnie and Marie never re-appear again (not too much of a surprise, since they weren’t mentioned in the credits to begin with), and the guys from KISS wisely ensconce themselves in the balcony, only looking down to frown at the shenanigans going on below. Paul Lynde closes by addressing the camera directly and offering his thanks to all the viewers, adding, “I hope that we were a howling success.” Oh, yeah, I was howling all right…with laughter. As an artifact of the ’70s variety era, this is right up there with “The Brady Bunch Variety Hour.” It’s a must-see. Just take a look for yourself: Filed under: TV and TV DVDs and Actors and Actresses and TV Comedies and External Entertainment and External TV and Scare of the Day Comments: 10 Comments Digg this! Add to Del.icio.us |
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From a cabin in the woods to a cabin in the desert: yes, that’s just the kind of scary-movie variety we offer you here at Premium Hollywood, folks. “Buried Alive” is an offering from Dimension Films’ new horror imprint, Dimension Extreme. The film is directed by Robert Kurtzman, who also helmed “Wishmaster,” but he’s far better known for his work as a special effects and makeup artist; given how boring much of this particular entry in his filmography tends to be, he’d perhaps be wise to keep his day job.
The basic plot of the film involves a bunch of college kids who head out to what’s referred to as a “remote desert cabin” but which looks like it was just furnished by a professional decorator about a week before they arrived. The reason for the trip revolves around Zane (Terence Jay) wanting to find out more about his great-grandfather and, more specifically, what happened to all the gold he was supposed to have had. Zane grabs his best bud, Danny (Steve Sandvoss), his cousin Rene (Leah Rachel), and the two pledges from her sorority, both of whom are wearing tight, skimpy animal costumes – one’s a dog, the other’s a cow – as part of their initiation ritual. Also on the trip is the geeky, Moe-haircut-sporting Phil, who, had this film been made 25 years ago, would’ve been played by Eddie Deezen; he’s got a speech tic which causes him to repeat things constantly, and it gets old really quickly, but the others have to put up with him because Phil’s the guy who does all the research and reveals that Zane’s grandfather may have buried his first wife alive in order to steal her family’s gold. It shouldn’t come as any surprise that there are quite a few bare breasts and nekkid asses in the film, given that the characters are actually described on the back of the box as “lustful college friends.” Zane’s constantly flirting with his cousin, but that doesn’t stop him from having a quickie with the blonde pledge, who’s so stereotypically blonde that she’s convinced that the stuffed rabbit with antlers that she comes across– it’s a jackalope, if you aren’t familiar with the breed – is alive. (“You know, there’s a rabbit over there you can walk right up to and pet…and it stands so still!”) Danny is also trolling for poontang, but given that his idea of a pick-up line is “I feel like I could fuck a buffalo,” the only reason to suspect that he’s ever going to get lucky is that his only real competition is Phil. Oh, sorry, did I slip into discussing the non-horror elements of “Buried Alive” too much? Well, that’s to be expected, given how often the film makes the wrongheaded decision to focus on conversations between the brain-dead teenagers over the ghost of Zane’s great-grandmother, who haunts the family cabin. Poor Phil gets split down the middle with an axe when he goes outside to see if he can get a signal on his cell phone, and the others end up leaving him out there by himself for, like, eight hours…or maybe it just felt like eight hours. When you’re forced to listen to God-awful lines like, “There’s a strange feel to this place, like we’re being watched,” time all but stands still, especially when the film is structured so that it’s scary moment, ten minutes of boredom, scary moment, ten minutes of boredom, rinse, repeat. In a roster of virtual unknowns, Tobin Bell is the “big name” of the cast, best known for playing Jigsaw in the “Saw” films. He plays Lester, a grumpy and slightly crazy taxidermist who serves as caretaker for the cabin, and it may not surprise you that Bell proves to be the best part of the movie. Lester’s the kind of guy who loves to bitch about city slickers and their fancy book learnin’, but he also likes sneaking up on dumb-ass teenagers and scaring the shit out of them, so he’s got that in his favor. Too bad he’s only in the movie for maybe ten minutes, total. I hear from David Medsker that Dimension Extreme’s other recent DVD release, “Black Sheep,” is a great flick to sit back, get drunk, and laugh at….and, coincidentally enough, so’s “Buried Alive.” Unfortunately, in the case of “Buried Alive,” I don’t think it was supposed to be funny. Based on the name of the imprint, however, it was, however, supposed to be extreme….but the nudity isn’t that significant, the scares aren’t that scary, and the gore ain’t that gory. God, I hope I can find something…anything…better than this to watch tomorrow. Sadly, I could find no trailer for “Buried Alive” on YouTube, so you’ll have to settle for the heavy metal band Venom performing a song entitled “Buried Alive.”
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A cabin. Why did it have to be a cabin? Today, I decided to finally try and get a jump on my Scare of the Day and not wait until the last possible second to write it. You may or may not have noticed a trend in recent days for my postings to show up about as close to the end of the day as one could possibly cut it…we’re talking in the 11 PM area…and, frankly, I’m getting tired of staying up so damned late. I went over to the big honking pile of horror DVDs that I’ve still got to choose from, and I started flipping through the options available to me, trying to figure out what the scare du jour would be. As I glanced at the descriptions on the backs of the various boxes, I noticed just how many of these flicks involve a cabin in the woods. I know it’s a staple of the horror genre for people to go out to an isolated shanty for fun and relaxation but instead meet with an untimely death, but it’s getting a little played out lately. In the case of “Blood Trails,” I’m pleased to reveal that, although the main characters do indeed head off for a romantic escape to the mountains, the cabin where they’re staying barely comes into play. No, their problems kick in when they decide to hit the bike trails.
The back-cover blurb describes the plot of the film thusly: “Feeling guilty for having had a drunken one-night stand with a stranger, Anne proposes a romantic escape to the mountains with her boyfriend, Michael. The fresh air and scene beauty do wonders for the couple as they sail down the bike trails of the exotic mountain range…until the stranger from that night appears…killing Michael and beginning his deadly pursuit of Anne!” (Don’t blame me for the spoiler about Michael getting killed off; it’s right there on the back of the box for everyone to see, so go yell at whoever writes the text for Lionsgate’s DVD releases.) The biking aspect of the film particularly caught my eye, if only because I can’t think of any occasion where biking has had any real part in a horror film, and it’s used to great effect on a couple of occasions. The most consistent usage occurs during Anne’s attempts to escape from her pursuer; watching her speeding down the bike trails is visually captivating, with the camera following both her tortured expression and her frantic pedaling. There’s another big bike moment, however, and I could be wrong, but I just have this feeling that someone came up with the |
