American Idol: no thing like a sure thing

Last night’s results on “American Idol” were about as predictable as Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest’s annoyingly uncomfortable banter. We all knew Paige Miles was going home, it was just a matter of how we got there.

The painfully 60-minute-long show began with a group performance of Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go,” which was enhanced by the fact that the 11 finalists recorded the track and then sang along with it. So every time you heard one of them sing, you heard two of them sing. Weird.

Then before getting to the results, Seacrest interviewed Siobhan and Katie. Siobhan’s glass-blowing boss was in attendance, admitting he won’t shave his scraggly beard until Siobhan gets kicked off, if she does at all. Um, dude, we can tell you haven’t shaved that nest in 20 years. She also had her friends, the “Shi-vombies,” on hand. This chick just keeps getting weirder, doesn’t she? Katie’s interview talked about her dad, who won’t be in the audience but instead prefers to hang out at a bar and let friends at home text him what is going on. Real slick.

Anyway, here we go…Siobhan, safe. Lee and Casey are next but Seacrest leaves them hanging, telling them to stand for a bit. Tim and Paige are after that. Guess what? Both are in the Bottom 3. Big duh there. Meanwhile, Seacrest goes to commercial but inadvertently leaves Lee and Casey standing there awaiting their fate. When they return, he announces that so far Siobhan, Lee and Casey are safe. Way to go, dude.

Next, this week’s mentor Miley Cyrus sings her new song, “When I Look at You,” and I’m going to try and be as polite as I can here. It was painful. She was nearly as pitchy as Paige Miles on Tuesday, and if she was in the finals of this competition, poor little Miley would stand no chance against Siobhan or Crystal.

Back to business. Aaron Kelly, safe. Didi Benami, safe. Michael Lynche, safe. Crystal Bowersox, safe, but not until she has the best snappy retort of the night. Seacrest said that Simon wanted her to keep playing the guitar and Kara didn’t, so who was Crystal going to listen to? “Me,” she replied. Even Cowell clapped at that response.
Down to Katie and Andrew. Katie was in the Bottom 3, someone texts her dad, he does another shot. Andrew is safe and lucky to be safe after that butchering of “Heard it throught the Grapevine.”

So it’s Tim, Paige and Katie. Seacrest sends Katie back to safety, someone texts her dad, he does another shot.

Next, Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato sing their new single together. Thankfully, both of these kids can actually sing, and it’s not painful to watch! What a concept.

Finally, we’re ready to face the results….Tim or Paige? It’s Paige, Tim is safe. Someone texts Katie’s dad, he does another shot. Katie’s dad is officially drunk.

But wait…there is the judge’s save, right? Wrong. Simon tells Paige not to bother singing for a save, she is going home either way. Wow. That was maybe one of the show’s finest moments, right up there with that kid who worshipped Clay Aiken only to have Aiken join him on stage and have the kid go into convulsions. And the judges actually got it right, because Paige was clearly not going to win. She’s not going on tour, either, at least not with the other 10 finalists.

So that’s it America. We’re down to the final 10 on Idol, and it’s surely looking like a Crystal/Siobhan/Casey show the rest of the way, with the others supporting. See you next week, for Usher an R&B week!

  

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