24 7.22: If you build it, Kim Bauer will fall into it

Previously, on the “24” Blog:

Now watch us find out next week that it was Hillary’s contract killer that blew up the car. Wouldn’t that suck? I mean really, how boring, how logical.

Damn, damn, damn. I work up this super-fun conspiracy theory, only to discover that the reason they kept Janis around is for one last catfight with Chloe. Ugh. Even after Janis had won the battle, I pumped my fist in the air when Chloe told her that she’s not the person you come to for validation. God, I could kiss her. I’d still like to know why Janis was the one helping in Jonas Brother’s transfer, though. Was it just to get her some additional screen time? Or to mess with bloggers like me? I’m still holding out hope that there is still a chance that she’s a mole, but I realize that it’s not very likely.

I am amused, though, at how completely and totally fucked Hillary Clinton is at this point. There is practically a trail of bodies that follows her wherever she goes. Even Old Yeller is susipcious of her – which surely began the moment he shared an elevator with her after she’d just had sex, as one Mr. Codding astutely observed – to the point where he called Warden Norton to see if the digital recorder stashed in the office was still running. How awesome was Norton’s response: “I’ll be there within the half-hour.” It’s SIX IN THE MORNING, but Warden is both ready and willing to exact his revenge. How about that, the system works after all.

I was glad to see the whole canister thing get resolved – man, how about that beatdown Jack gave Tony? – but as Jibraan locates the bomb and begins to scramble out of the station, I’m thinking to myself, “Leave the bomb inside the subway car and tell the authorities to close the goddamn doors.” It wouldn’t be airtight, but once you’ve scared everyone off, it wouldn’t matter. Hell, John McClane would have thrown it down the subway tunnel, then shot it to pieces. Dunno, it just seemed like overkill to me.

“And Iiiiiiiiii-eeeeee-iiiiiiiiii-eeeee-iiiiiiiii will always, love youuuu-hooooooooo-ohhhhhhhhh…”

All right, Kim Bauer fans, it is time for you to come to Jesus. Why is it, exactly, that you like her so much? Because she’s cute? No question, Elisha Cuthbert is a lovely woman, but Kim Bauer is death incarnate. Look at how they handled those scenes of her at the airport. It was both clumsy and convenient at the same time. She’s suspicious of the federal agent – here’s an idea: have the agent walk up to Kim and tell her that Jack asked him to look after her, and get Daddy on the phone if she’s unsure – and then she just happens to befriend the two people assigned to abduct her? Meanwhile, the male goon, who’s the worst actor ever, kills the agent in the bathroom without anyone walking in on them, which is ridiculous on two levels. For one, that agent had a gun. Grab it and shoot the guy! The other problem with that scene is that it’s rush hour at a DC airport. Those bathrooms aren’t empty that time of day, ever. So now Jack has to break Tony (his smirk once Jack hopped in the van is some of the finest acting Carlos Bernard’s ever done) out of FBI custody again in order to save Danger-prone Daphne for the seventeenth time in the show’s history.

Kim Bauer is not worth this much trouble.

Remember, the girl of a thousand disguises can only hear Jack, which means she can’t see him speak to someone else using sign language or write a note saying “HELP ME!” Ugh. So much conflict, so little need. The only way they can make up for this is if the bad actor goon is strangled to death by a cougar trap, then shot by a guy who just held a standoff at a Kwik-E-Mart. Seriously, resolving the bomb attack two hours early was a severe tactical mistake. Now we have to pretend to care whether Kim Bauer lives to see the final clock tick, and I gotta be honest, I don’t care what happens to her. The rest of the time will be spent covering the downfall of either Hillary Clinton, Madame Prez, or possibly both of them, which would be a gross injustice to the show’s finest President since David Palmer. Can’t say that either of those prospects excites me. Sigh.

  

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