American Idol: You want uncomfortable?

Last night’s “American Idol” results show had its moments, but none worse than the last few minutes of the episode. Somebody needs to get a handle on things, and fast, because it’s peoples’ lives they are messing with. More on that in a bit.

First of all, when they introduced the judges last night, Paula Abdul was wearing these latex gloves. Was she going to give Simon a prostate exam after the show? Because that’s surely what it looked like. Call her Paula the Proctologist, or to use a “Seinfeld” term, “Asswoman.”

Then they joked about the theme of the show Tuesday, which had the contestants singing songs from the year in which they were born. They razzed Simon Cowell about how old he was, showing a video of a young Frankie Avalon singing “Venus” from that very year. Then they surprised us all by bringing Frankie out live to sing the same song. Dude looks good, like he probably stopped aging around the time all of the current contestants were born. Anyway, Frankie let us all know that the year was 1959, which means Mr. Cowell is going to be 50 this year. That’s October 7 for all of you celebrity gossip hounds.

Then came the group song, Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out of My Head,” and it was painfully one of the worst group efforts this season. Not that they all don’t suck, but this one took suck to another level.

On to the results….Adam Lambert, safe. Adam did another dark and somber falsetto performance of Gary Jules’ arrangement of Tears For Fears’ “Mad World.” I didn’t particularly love it, and Americans whose DVRs stopped before they could see Adam’s performance were annoyed, but Jules sure loved it, as his publicist passed this along to us: “It was fantastic,” said Jules. “(Adam) has a beautiful voice. … I heard his Michael Jackson cover and I heard some of his other stuff, and I think that he’s probably one of the most – if not the most – interesting performer I’ve ever seen on ‘American Idol.'”

Anyway, Kris Allen and Anoop Desai were asked to stand up — Kris was safe and Anoop was in the bottom 3. Then Flo’Rida came out to perform his new single, “Right Round,” which uses the melody in its chorus from the ’80’s Dead or Alive hit, “You Spin Me ‘Round.” I’m not sure, but I’m fairly certain Flo’s take on the song is about something, um, oral. Anyway, it was pretty awful, and when Ryan Seacrest asked Flo what the album title “R.O.O.T.S.” stood for, raise your hand if you understood what he muffled into his microphone.

Anyway, Danny Gokey and Matt Giraud, both safe. Scott McIntyre, bottom 3. Whew, could this be it, the week Scott finally goes home? Down to Allison Iraheta and Lil Rounds. Allison, who is drawing comparison to a young Kelly Clarkson, was safe, and Lil was in the bottom 3 for the first time.

After that, Season 5 alum Kellie Pickler came out and sang her new single, “Best Days Of Your Life,” which was not only typical Nashville schlock, but performed horribly. Kellie would have been kicked off last night if she was in the competition, no question about it.

Back to business, and you know they wanted to stay within the 60 minutes FOX allowed them for this show. Lil Rounds, back to safety, which left Anoop and Scott. Mrs. Mike and I were practically willing Scott to have the lowest number of votes, and our willing worked! Scott was going home! But wait……the judges have not used their “save” yet, and they were going to consider keeping Scott around one more week.

Are. You. Kidding. Me?

Then, to everyone’s horror, Scott performed that Survivor song again, this time without the guitar, but still with those screechy, awful high notes, and Simon announced that the judges were split 2-2 in their decision. Remember, this save thing has to be a unanimous ruling.
Clearly, Simon and Randy wanted to send Scott home but Kara and Paula were looking at Scott like they didn’t want to put a sick dog to sleep. It was a moment on the show that was, to use a Simon reference, excruciating. But then, as they left Scott dangling in the wind, Simon said, “okay, I will make a decision for the group….Scott, I’m sorry, but you’re going home.”
There was a collective groan from the audience, and a simultaneous sigh of relief from my bedroom. Paula then rambled about what an inspiration Scott was to “challenged” people everywhere. Kudos indeed to Scott, but Simon was correct when he said he looked at the other 7 contestants and saw Scott as the least talented of the group, which was absolutely correct. Still, they should not have put him through those few minutes of torture, and they need to get a grip on the save rule, and fast.

Whew. Finally, mercifully, Scott is going home, and now we can get down to the real business of crowning a Season 8 champ. Anoop, Lil, Matt, you three are likely next to leave. But it’s getting exciting, that’s for sure. See you all next week…

  

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