Thoroughly undermining the return of new episodes of their Monday night comedy line-up (and, ahem, how about you guys hurry up and get that renewal of “How I Met Your Mother” out of the way, huh?), CBS is ringing in Tuesday by announcing a really awful sounding new reality series: “Secret Talents of the Stars.”

Ugh.

Actually, the announcement was slipped into a commercial break last night, trumpeting George Takei’s heretofore-unrevealed abilities as a country crooner. Clearly, this isn’t too much of a shock, given how many other “Star Trek” alumni have proven to be top-notch singers…

…but there’s far more fright ahead than the potential for Sulu Sings! showing up in your friendly neighborhood record store.

Stay tuned to see Clint Black (performing stand-up comedy; Malcolm-Jamal Warner accompanied by a Hip Hop Orchestra on bass guitar as they perform an original song; Marla Maples presenting her gymnastic abilities with The Anti-Gravity Troupe featuring unusual gear, aerials, flips and bungee mechanics; Sasha Cohen exhibiting her agility as a contortionist by performing with the “New Shanghai Circus,” a Chinese Acrobat Troupe featuring Kate Kong, renowned contortionists and additional background performers; Ric Flair surprising viewers with his salsa dancing skills; Joe Frazier showcasing his smooth moves as a rhythm & blues singer; Bridget Marquardt soaring as a trapeze artist with the former masters of Cirque du Soleil; Mya demonstrating her tap-dancing prowess; and Danny Bonaduce maneuvering a unicycle with members of The Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus.

Go on, be honest: how obvious was it that the above paragraph came straight from the press release? Well, so’s this next one.

In addition, Sheila E. (singer/drummer) will juggle with The Flying Karamazov Brothers; Roy Jones, Jr. (boxing champion) will rap; Cindy Margolis (spokesmodel/actress) will perform magic; Ben Stein (pop culture personality) will dance The Jitterbug.

Ben Stein: Dancing Machine®.

My Maxim-style review of this series which I have yet to actually see: while I would actually pay good money to see Ben Stein dance The Jitterburg, I would not even walk from my living room into my kitchen to see any of the other acts. It will, therefore, probably be a huge hit when it premieres premieres on Tuesday, April 8, at 10 PM, and end up running for several seasons, with the Ben Stein episode being the lowest rated of the season.

That’s pretty much how my opinions tend to pan out, you know.

ADDENDUM: In response to the ceaseless clamoring from the PH readership, I felt as though I should give equal mockery to another “great” moment in the history of singing “Trek” stars…

…but, c’mon, if I’m doing that, then I need to give a “Next Gen” shout-out as well, right?