I was having a chat with Film School Reject and Fat Guys at the Movies co-host Kevin Carr last Friday about the Academy Awards. I naively thought that, because of the writers’ strike, this year’s show should be pretty brisk because they won’t have time to prepare any elaborate bits. But Kevin set me straight: he said, because the producers are doing the majority of heavy lifting, the show will be filled with self-congratulatory, back-slapping puff pieces.

Smart guy, that Kevin Carr.

I had an All-Star lineup of writers at my house last night, including Carr, fellow BE critic Jason Zingale, Film School Rejects editor in chief Neil Miller, Nights and Weekends EIC Kristin Dreyer Kramer, and From the Balcony EIC Bill Clark. About 20 minutes into the broadcast, all of us were singing Trey Parker’s “We Need a Montage” song. Holy cow, are the members of the academy proud of themselves. Here are some wacky moments from Oscars past. Here are a bunch of Best Actress winners. Here are a bunch of Best Actor winners. Here are ALL of the Best Picture winners. Thank goodness, then, for Jon Stewart’s tribute to periscopes and binoculars.

As for the awards themselves, there were some pleasant surprises and some pleasant non-surprises. I was thrilled to see Brad Bird get an Oscar for “Ratatouille,” likewise Javier Bardem getting the Supporting Actor award for “No Country for Old Men.” Marion Cotillard snagging Best Actress was a nice shocker too, as was “Falling Slowly” beating three songs from “Enchanted” for Best Song. Mega-bonus points to Stewart for bringing Marketa Irglova back out on stage to say her thank-yous after the orchestra drowned her out.

Something must be done, though, about the academy’s tendency to vote for someone in a category just because they liked the movie and want to make sure it gets some kind of recognition, even if the person in question doesn’t exactly deserve it.

Tilda Swinton, I’m looking at you.

My jaw hit the floor when Entertainment Weekly listed her as the favorite to win. Did they see the movie? She wasn’t all that memorable. Not that she was awful or anything, but between her, Clooney and Tom Wilkinson, she was easily the weakest link in “Michael Clayton,” and she sure as hell was no Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There.” This isn’t grade school, people; if someone doesn’t deserve an award, you don’t give them one just because you don’t want the movie to get shut out. Really, Swinton winning is a joke. It’s like Votefortheworst.com took over Price Waterhouse for a day. I would rather have seen Ruby Dee win than Swinton, and Dee had no business even being nominated. How many lines did she even have in “American Gangster,” six?

By the way, the group and I casted three biopics last night. Casey Affleck should play David Byrne, Amy Adams is the perfect person to play Kirsty MacColl, and Tilda Swinton as…David Bowie. Admit it, you were thinking it too when you saw her fiery red hair.

The producers of the Academy Awards know that their show has a reputation for being unnecessarily long. The strike gave them the perfect opportunity to correct that. They didn’t take it. They made montages. Lots and lots of montages. And in their “honor,” I present them with “The Montage Song.” Boneheads.