My wife was absolutely dumbfounded when I told her that I’d managed to spend 37 years on this planet without ever having seen Wes Craven’s “Deadly Friend,” but it’s true. In fact, not only had I never seen it, but I didn’t even know the first thing about it; it didn’t ring even the slightest bell when she gave me a one-line synopsis – teenage whiz kid uses his knowledge of robotics to try and bring his dead girlfriend back to life – and given that that’s the kind of plot that would’ve immediately grabbed the attention of the complete geek that I was in 1986, I really don’t know how I possibly could’ve missed it.

Now that I’ve finally seen it, though, I wish I had seen it back then; unfortunately, I say that because, at times, it feels far more like a historical artifact than a horror film.

Okay, so you’ve got a rough idea what the movie’s about, but here’s how the box text spells it out: “Lonely teenage genius Paul (Matthew Laborteaux), a specialist in brain research, has two best friends: his remarkable robot BB and the beautiful girl next door (Kristy Swanson). When tragedy strikes both his friends, he desperately tries to save them both by pushing technology beyond its mortal limits into a terrifying new realm. Like a modern-day Dr. Frankenstein, Paul discovers too late that he has created a rampaging monster.”

As “Deadly Friend” begins, you’re introduced to BB the Robot, and all I could think about was Number Five in “Short Circuit.” Or the Ro-Boz from “Riptide.” Or, y’know, pretty much any big-ass, non-streamlined robot from the ‘80s. BB’s got a wacky voice that sounds a little bit like Gizmo the Mogwai, which comes courtesy of Charles Fleischer (he also voiced Roger Rabbit), and we’re given the impression from the get-go that he’s on the verge of outgrowing his programming, which means that we won’t be surprised if he suddenly kills someone. That turns out to be a red herring, though…as is the suspicion that when Samantha (Swanson) finally meets her doom, Paul’s gonna somehow transfer her brain into BB. Alas, the poor robot gets shot all to hell by the neighborhood crazy lady, Elvira Parker – played by Anne Ramsey, who fit this role into her schedule between her roles in “The Goonies” and “Throw Mama from the Train” – but there’s definitely a Frankenstein element to the tale when, after Sam’s abusive father pushes her down the stairs and she breaks her neck, Paul takes BB’s chip and puts it into her brain in order to bring her back to life…and since I’m sure you were wondering, why, yes, things do go horribly awry!

For the most part, “Deadly Friend” plays like your average teenage flick, which is due in no small part to the decidedly average acting of Laborteaux, who’s forced to carry the film whenever Swanson isn’t around but is rather less than enthralling as a big-screen presence. As for his co-star, she’s charming and cute during her scenes prior to her death, but for the rest of the film, she’s forced to stalk around silently, wearing really dark eyeshadow to remind us that she’s only one step above corpsedom. (Good thing she’s got expressive eyes!) It’s the interesting premise that keeps us watching, though, along with curiosity about how it’ll be resolved; unfortunately, the film goes on for about two minutes longer than it should have, tacking on what may be the dumbest ending of any ’80s movie ever. Seriously, I was just left sputtering. In fact, here’s an exact transcript: “But…but…there wasn’t…it couldn’t have…she wasn’t…oh, God, that’s fucking dumb!”

Of course, even in one of his lesser films, Wes Craven still manages to produce two death scenes that made the film worth seeing.

• Sam bends her father’s hand back, throws him against the boiler in the basement, and snaps his neck like the proverbial twig…and when Paul finally discovers them, Sam’s got her father’s body lying so that his head is lying inside the boiler, where it’s just smoking and sizzling away amongst the flames. Mmm-mmm, nothing smells loving like Daddy’s head in the oven…

• When Sam breaks into Elvira Parker’s house to extract her revenge and to get back the basketball Parker swiped, Sam kills two birds with one stone by throwing the ball so hard at Elvira’s head that it fucking explodes.

Okay, okay, don’t twist my arm, here’s the YouTube clip of the latter:

So now I can scratch “Deadly Friend” off my list of ’80s Movies I’ve Never Seen…and, in an odd moment of serendipity, I can also finally scratch “basketball” off my list of Things I’ve Seen People Killed By In Movies.

Wow, this is the best Thursday ever!