Dean Martin as a secret agent…?

Sold.

Actually, the Matt Helm flicks were a major influence on Mike Myers when he put together the “Austin Powers” movies, but, seriously, Dino coasts through these movies just like he did his TV series: with a wink and a smile…and a paycheck.

THE SILENCERS: The first of the series of Matt Helm films, the big cheese of Big O, an organization that wants to sabotage the American atomic missile system. It’s up to secret agent Helm to save the day.

MURDERER’S ROW: The handsome top agent Matt dies a tragic death in his bathtub - the women mourn about the loss. However it’s just faked for his latest top-secret mission: He shall find Dr. Solaris, inventor of the Helium laser beam, powerful enough to destroy a whole continent. It seems Dr. Solaris has been kidnapped by a criminal organization. The trace leads to the Cote D’Azur.

THE AMBUSHERS: A government space saucer is hijacked mid-flight by a powerful laser beam under the control of Jose Ortega, who then proceeds to rape the female pilot, Sheila Sommars. ICE sends agent Matt Helm to Acapulco with Sheila to recover the saucer, under the guise of Matt taking fashion photographs of beautiful models. Matt is temporarily sidetracked, falling prey to the seductive charms of enemy agent Franceca Madeiros.

THE WRECKING CREW: The count has stolen enough gold to cause a financial crisis in the world markets so I.C.E. sends in ace spy Matt Helm to stop him. As Matt works alone, the British send in Freya to aid Matt, but it seems that Freya causes more problems than she solves.

…but sometimes you stumble upon a Best / Worst list that makes you go, “Um…seriously? Really?”

Or, more specifically, it makes you go, “Look, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to see the mathematical equations you used to determine that ‘Quincy’ was one of the best TV series of all time.”

Check it out here.

Also, you’re gonna want to bookmark this page… because the Top 10 Worst Shows of All Time list ends at #4, explaining, “There are only four shows on the terrible show list because most shows have SOME redeeming feature, something that can save it from being included in this list. As soon as I experience more shows that I feel bear inclusion in this list, I shall post them. These four are the only ones I know of at this point that have no redeeming features whatsoever.”

Come on, you know you’re gonna want to check back every once in awhile, just to see if anything’s been added…

Well, it’s offical: “Alias” is no more. That is, after this season, which ends its run in May 2006. The news was announced today by president of ABC Entertainment, Stephen McPherson, and couldn’t have come soon enough. With the series suffering from ridiculous plot turns and star Jennifer Garner’s pregnancy, it’s nice to see that the network wasn’t afraid to axe the show before it got out of hand. Then again…

Do you know anyone who owns a yule log video? If you do, have you ever asked them why? What could be a more pointless gift? I mean, it’s not even a funny bad gift to give. And why would anyone purposely waste their own money on one? I can’t imagine anyone, while prepping their houses for Christmas with the yearly decorations, is rubbing their hands together as they pull out the yule log video, hotly anticipating the countless pleasures from viewing it.

I wonder if some couples dim the lights and make out to the yule log video. If I had ever been with some girl and she pulled out that tape to make out to, I would have excused myself on the spot. There’s nothing romantic about a fake fire (anyone with those phony fireplaces that have natural gas “logs” in them can attest to that). Hell, let’s just sit on the registers after the furnace kicks in and see how hot our asses get before we scream in pain and have to move to a cooler seat. Now that’s some holiday fun. People like to joke about fruit cakes being bad gifts, but seriously, they have nothing on the yule log video.

Jerry Lewis has got issues. I mean, I’m not French, but I appreciate what the guy has contributed to comedy…and I’m still saying he’s got some problems. But judge for yourself.

…and, by “favorite,” I mean they’re hot. (I’m not going to make any claims as to their actual acting abilities.)

First off, Ashley Williams is being added to the cast of “How I Met Your Mother,” which, incidental to her inclusion, is a damned funny show. (Neil Patrick Harris is hilarious, but so is Jason Segel, for that matter.) Williams was the sole reason I kept watching “Good Morning, Miami,” an otherwise-awful show…but she’s so damned cute that I kept coming back week after week solely to watch her.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, “Gilmour Girls” is bringing into its cast a woman who has the honor (relatively speaking) of being the only woman I ever had enough of a crush on to buy a poster of and tack it on my wall…and that includes Debbie Gibson. Ladies and gentlemen, I speak of the cherry-stem-typing maiden from “Twin Peaks” herself: Sherilyn Fenn.

Okay, so she doesn’t look like that anymore. She’s still eminently watcheable…

Every once in a while, someone stumbles onto the stage at “Saturday Night Live” that forces you to stand up and take notice. As I was skimming through last week’s episode, starring Eva Longoria (who seemed like a good sport), I fell in love with a girl, twice.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kristen Wiig.

In the show’s first skit, a very unfunny fake awards show on spam email, Wiig did a hilarious impression of “Will & Grace’s” Megan Mullally. A few skits later, during a parody of ’50s holiday specials, she went one better, doing the funniest Judy Garland you will ever see. Wiig is tall, she’s gorgeous, and she has to be making the other women on the cast nervous. Surely, Maya Rudolph is working out eight hours a day to get rid of her baby weight in order to get back onstage, and if her presence prevents Rachel Dratch from doing one more Debbie Downer skit, then the world is already a better place.

Oh, yeah. I am speaking about the two ladies of “WKRP In Cincinnati” here. I was only six years old when the show debuted, and man there was a whole lotta press for Loni Anderson in her role as Jennifer Marlowe. My older brother had a poster of her up in his bedroom (along with one of Wild and Crazy Steve Martin in his classic white suit with a fish in the jacket chest pocket), and I used to gaze at it quite a bit. Yep, Anderson was hot stuff.

But, as I got older and revisted the show through reruns, I couldn’t help but realize that it wasn’t Anderson, but rather Jan Smithers as Bailey Quarters who was the hot chick of the show. The glasses were sexy, the attitude was sexy…hey, blonde bimbos with boobs just didn’t do it for me anymore, I guess (or maybe it was just that weird-ass helmet hair Anderson seemed to have on the show). Anyway, my point is that the world needs some more Bailey. However, according to IMDB, Smithers hasn’t been seen on screen since 1987. What a shame. And why the hell was she married to James Brolin? Ah well, guess memories of Bailey will have to do. I’ll take ‘em.

Should I feel guilty for laughing my ass off at the sight of Earl getting chased (and caught) by a dude missing both his legs and one of his arms?

It was so funny that I had to ask myself - am I really seeing this?

One of my earliest childhood memories is sitting in a dark theater at the age of four, watching the first Death Star explode into a gazillion pieces. Back in those days, people actually applauded when the spirit moved them, so there was a big roar in the theater at the climax of the movie. I don’t remember much else from my first viewing of Episode IV, though my parents tell me that on the ride home, I stood up on the back seat of our 1966 Pontiac Executive (seat belts weren’t exactly in vogue then) and proclaimed, “That was the best movie I ever saw!� Aside from the fact that, at that point, it was the only movie I had ever seen, it was obvious that my first Star Wars experience had forever changed me. Now, twenty-eight years later, the double trilogy is complete. There was a rumor that Star Wars creator George Lucas envisioned a nine part series, but now it’s clear that there are no more Star Wars movies in the pipeline. So it was with a pair of misty eyes that I watched the credits roll on the final installment, “The Revenge of the Sith.� This is the first time in almost three decades that I don’t have a new Star Wars movie to look forward to and I’m not all that happy about it. (MORE)

As a kid, I used to love watching this mind-numbing spectacle. It was impressive to see all the goofy floats towering in the air. But of course, now I just couldn’t care less about it. Much like I no longer care for the Tournament of Roses parade and all those others. I think the end came for me when I saw Rue McClanahan atop some float and lip synching some god-awful song. It brought back memories of “The Golden Girls” and how anyone could think her character in real or fictional life was sexy was just…distracting, and not in a good way.

But what’s more annoying, the celebrity cameos or the running commentary on each damn float, marching band, and everything else associated with the parade? I don’t need to hear Katie Couric go on and on about some dog groomer that cuts the fur of famous celebs’ pets. And who could forget such winning moments as “Oh, here gomes Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde and Pac-Man! And right behind them hovering high in the air is UNDERDOG!”

I may have hallucinated that last bit, but I know that damn Underdog always appears. If ever there was a reason to get drunk before noon, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade is it.

So Abruzzi finds God and dies because of it - are we supposed to read into that?

It looks like the group is down to seven, but Scofield has to solve two problems before the gang can break out: 1) arrange for an alternate getaway plan now that Abruzzi is not in the fold and 2) somehow get his brother out of the trouble he’ll no doubt be in after cold cocking a guard. What was that, anyway? Is punching a guy the only way to stall him? How about “How are your kids, Bob?” or “Who does your nails?” Hell, instead of hitting the guy he could have hit on the guy and it would have created fewer problems.

…it ain’t gonna last. Which is too bad, because it’s a very cool network. I kept waiting in vain for the day when they’d re-run the episode of “Late Night with David Letterman” where I can be seen in the audience (guests are Jane Pauley and Bruno Kirby; you can see me during the shoe removal races segment), but it never happened. And, now, I guess it never will…

NBC Universal shutting down Trio network

DAVID BAUDER

Associated Press

NEW YORK - NBC Universal is shutting down Trio, but will keep the cheeky pop culture television network alive as a broadband offering.

Trio, perhaps best known for show business documentaries and its “Brilliant, But Cancelled” series resurrecting short-lived TV shows, is currently available in only 9 million of the nation’s 110 million television homes. It will sign off at the end of the year, NBC said Monday.

Its fate was effectively sealed last year when bought by NBC Universal, which also owns the similar and more widely distributed Bravo. Trio was subsequently dropped by DirecTV, taking away more than half of its distribution, and prospects for going wider were dim.

But it will relaunch on Jan. 1 as a broadband network under the BravoTV.com banner, a prospect that would have been laughable only months ago but now is a serious business prospect. MTV, VH1, Comedy Central and Nickelodeon have all recently started their own online networks.

Trio wasn’t able to say on Monday which of its programs would make the move to broadband, since use of any shows on another platform must be negotiated with the people who made them.

“It will feel like the channel,” said Lauren Zalaznick, Trio president.

Zalaznick said she hoped some of Trio’s documentaries, including ones about show business flops and the lives of Elvis Presley impersonators, could make the move to broadband.

There are no plans to keep any of Trio’s programming available on traditional television after it is shut down, but Zalaznick said it was possible some could find its way to Bravo if it proves popular on the Web.

…that The Scooby-Doo / Dynomutt Hour is coming to DVD. It was the last gasp of quality to come out of the series before the creation of the animated antichrist known as Scrappy-Doo. Okay, maybe it’s not as great as I remember it…but I remember it pretty well. In fact, I even have a Dynomutt and Blue Falcon action figure set. And I’ll just save you the trouble and add the following:

:::coughing::: GEEK! :::coughing:::

Anyway, here’s the description of the set, along with the special features included along with the 16 episodes:

The Scooby-Doo/Dynomutt Hour chronicles the outlandish animated union of man and beast to solve crimes - and brings comic relief to the kid in everyone! As the catchy theme song celebrates: “…while Scooby is haunted by a spooky ghost, Dynomutt is doin’ what he does most!” That means becoming a mechanical menace to the bad guys, faithfully assisting his action-hero comrade The Blue Falcon. Watch Scooby-Doo, Scooby-Dum (a dim-witted cousin first introduced here) & the Mystery Inc. crew and Dynomutt and The Blue Falcon whenever you feel like watching the dogs!

FEATURES:

* Featurette: Eerie Mystery of Scooby-Doo and Dynomutt’s History: A look at fascinating history of Scooby Doo as well as Dynomutt, dog wonder.
* In Their Own Words: The original Scooby Doo and Dynomutt voice actors share memories and voices from their days on these two popular shows.
* Photo Gallery: The Scooby-Doo/Dynomutt Files: Scooby-Doo/Dynomutt stills gallery with previously unseen treasures from the Hanna Barbera vault including original character sketches and more!

From DaneCook.com:

The dream that I had in 7th grade is about to become a reality. I’ve been asked to host Saturday Night Live! December 3rd! I did this with my stand up comedy. Not a tv career or a film career. I did it because I was a good guy with great intentions. I never got caught up in anything beyond the simple idea of bettering myself at this craft that I love and respect. More than anything I am doing it because my fans are some of the sharpest, coolest comedy fans on this planet and you got behind me and never left.

When I was a young boy I wanted to be a comedian. I had an instant respect for all types of performers in that field. In 7th grade I watched SNL one night and Martin Short was doing Ed Grimley. I was laughing my ass off and suddenly realized this show was my goal in life. To be on Saturday Night Live.

In 1996 I had the chance to audition for the cast of SNL but passed on even auditioning because I knew I was not ready. I did not have the chops or the confidence. I never regreted it but every once in a while my brain itched wondering if I missed out on something.

I went out and earned a fan base on my own through the years by being true to my sense of humor. I always talked about the things that mattered to me and made my friends and I laugh. And I stayed upbeat and honest.

Last year again SNL came calling and for a little while there was talk of me coming onboard. I flew to NYC and did a show for Lorne Michaels (the night Steve Martin was there and we had an amazing chat about comedy … you can find that on my myspace blog). The problem in my mind was I already was so busy and had a massive following. Did I want to move back to NYC? What about these other commitments? The talks ended but I had more respect for Lorne and the show than ever before.

After you guys put me on top by supporting my CD/DVD RETALIATION my life changed and more than that my career hit new heights. So many things have come to me and I am picking and choosing the things I’d love to create and things I desire to share with you and entertain the crap out of you with.

It’s 4:55 am and I’m wide awake thinking about the full circle that just came to a close after 20 years of dreaming. My mom is so proud of me and that makes me feel fucking wonderful because she is my biggest fan and has always supported me without pause.

The things you dream can become the things you have. The things you have should always be shared. I share this with you guys because, well, you’ve become part of this ride. We can all enjoy this together.

Hats off to Grey’s Anatomy for handling a character’s coming-out scene as an afterthought rather than an after-school special. Guy’s guy Joe the bartender (who bears no small resemblance to Ken Hudson Campbell, aka the Lust character from “Herman’s Head�) arrives at Izzie’s Thanksgiving celebration with his hot Asian boy toy in tow, and is met at the door by high-strung Cristina (Sandra Oh).

Joe: “Hi. This is my…boyfriend.�
Cristina: “Whatever. You got any liquor?�

That’s it. No fanfare, no soul-searching, no agonizing over just the right moment to drop the bomb. Just a slightly overweight, hetero-looking guy casually revealing that women don’t float his boat. Joe and Cristina might has well have been discussing the weather, for all the gravity of their conversation.

Kudos to the writers for recognizing that there doesn’t have to be a “very special episode� for every gay character on television. And extra props for instead emphasizing another issue that is all too real for many Americans, gay and straight alike: the importance of having alcohol on hand during the holidays.

Out on DVD this week:

1) War of the Worlds - PASS: Fans of Spielberg’s work will eat up the two-disc special edition of the film with hours of bonus material, but anyone else semi-interested should just take it for a test drive.

2) Alien Vs. Predator: Special Edition - PASS: This has generated about as little bit of buzz as humanly possible, namely because Fox released a not-so-special-edition of the movie less than six months ago.

3) Senifeld: Seasons 5 & 6 - BUY: How can you not buy these two seasons? This is exactly when the series realized its full potential and became a ratings giant for NBC. Also, with every DVD box set offering a collection of hilarious extras, it’s hard not to indulge.

Other notable titles releasing today include “The Polar Express” and “Aeon Flux: The Complete Animated Collection,” but if I were you, I’d hold out one more week when a number of great films debut on disc.

Well, it’s a day that ends in ‘y’, and that means it’s time for another woman named Mayer to abandon any semblance of rational behavior. This week, for once, it’s not Susan who’s embroiled in an embarrassing and public divorce from her sanity…it’s Susan’s mother.

Ms. Mayer the elder chooses the least likely, least opportune, and most unfortunate possible time to reveal the deepest of family secrets: during her own toast, at her own wedding reception. In front of the hundred-odd guests who only came to enjoy a nice party, some free booze, and perhaps a little wagering on how long marriage #4 will last, Mommy Mayer announces that Susan’s supposedly long-dead, war-hero father is alive and well — and living just across town.

Susan runs out in tears, Julie follows her, and everyone watching suddenly decides that Vincent D’Onofrio’s histrionics maybe aren’t quite as annoying as they had initially thought, and changes channels to watch “Criminal Intent.�

(more)

I guess it’s not so surprising that it took this long for a 16-minute documentary to make it to DVD, but at least it’s finally here…and contains two HOURS worth of special features. If you’ve never seen it, read this and see if you can avoid going straight to FilmBaby.com to order it…

HEAVY METAL PARKING LOT is considered one of the greatest rock & roll movies of all time, although it’s actually a hilarious documentary tribute to rock & roll’s GREATEST FANS. Filmed in 1986 at a Maryland concert arena parking lot before a heavy metal show, HMPL is an unvarnished anthropological study of American metalheads in their mid-’80s glory. It is the quintessential ’80s magnum opus, made complete with a vast display of muscle cars, spandex, bleach-blonde frizzy perms, bare-chested dudes, Mullets From Hell, faded denim metal chicks, and the largest collection of late ’70s Camaros ever seen in one location. Virtually unknown to mainstream audiences for two decades, HMPL was a VHS bootleg favorite among musicians, movie stars and cult-video fanatics worldwide. This limited-edition DVD includes a pristine digital-video transfer of the original uncut 16-minute documentary, plus over two hours of exclusive content! Viewer discretion: explicit language, drug references and loud music.

After last week’s blog entry, a reader wrote in wondering why I didn’t discuss the violent arena scene in more detail. My answer: I don’t know. The scene certainly deserves mention as it was one of the goriest scenes HBO has broadcast, and it almost makes up for the awful strobe-filled “battle scene� we saw in episode 7. But the best thing about the scene was the great display of the brotherly love that Lucius and Titus have for each other.

On to this week’s episode, which is also the season finale. Like another HBO franchise, “The Sopranos,� this series isn’t afraid to kill off a main character. Okay, everyone knew that Caesar was going to bite it soon, but who would have guessed that Niobe would take a header off a balcony? I’ll admit - that caught me by surprise. Servilia was the key that tied both storylines together. With the news of Niobe’s illegitimate son, she pulled Lucius away from Caesar’s side so that he wouldn’t be there to protect Caesar when the Senators made their move. It was actually quite brilliant.

Even more surprising than Niobe’s suicide was Titus’ former slavegirl pulling a 180 and grabbing the big man’s hand at the end of the episode. You would think that killing a girl’s boyfriend wouldn’t be the way to her heart, but apparently, you’d be wrong. The girl’s ex has to be rolling over in his grave at the thought of his murderer tapping his love, but there isn’t much he can do about it anymore. Darwinism, at its finest.

Looking forward to next season, it should be interesting to see how the new Republic moves forward and how Lucius deals with a boy that is not his own. Servilia’s threats towards Atia should provide material for another compelling storyline. Despite losing the considerable presence of Julius Caesar, the series is actually setting up pretty well for a second season.